coming out in AA

[Guest Jo-Ann]

I wanted to share my experiance today i dont normally come check this forum so i dont know what kind of experiance anyone else has maybe it might be good to talk about it.I think its very hard for a transgender person to be alcoholic and be in AA because i think we all know the boys with the boys and the girls with the girls.I can only speak for my own experiance that is is posible to stay sober with a male sponsor even before i learn of my gender issue of wanting to be a girl but it was very hard for me at first because i wanted to be a girl right away and get treated like a girl right away.I think that really hurt me and disconnected me from people that could have been of service to me.It came a point were my wanting to be a girl so bad and being on hormones was causing me depressing thoughts of suicide it was hurting me being sober because all i had was my hrt and the support groups twice a month.I dont know what anyone should do but for me i needed to come out and i did just that and im still in the process of coming out I told some people what i was doing and some people already knew.So i went to my first meeting today out as me or the person i am becoming.

Jo-Ann Sydney

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

Congratulations. That is very brave of you and I hope it turns out for the best.

A

[Guest rita63]

WOW! A big round of Applause, the kind you get for staying sober at AA anniversaries.

Being honest especially with yourself is important in recovery. I wonder how many people have considered their to be a character defect and tried to bury it. My crossdressing and bi nature have been with me all my life and dealing with them will have to be part of my recovery.

You are an inspiration.

Hugs rita63cd

[Michelle 2010]

Good posts!

I was 5 years sober and doing well before i came out to my sponsor. I had told him in my 5th step that I may need to talk to a therapist regarding one part of my life, so I was honest at the time but i never followed through because life got better and I just let it go on...

Ultimately, I had to deal with it and life has gotten infinitely better. By systematically sharing this part of myself with select people in the past year, I have lost the fear of exposure and have adapted a healthier attitude towards who I am.

Best wishes to both of you on your journey in recovery. I have no regrets about coming out. Its nice to be accepted for the first time in my life by people who know exactly who I am

Huggs

Michelle

[VickySGV]

My situation in the AA clubs around my area is that I can come as R or Vicky, but not R gonna be Vicky, or Vicky used 2B R. A couple of people who belong to the group I attended as R have met me in the meeting I have been to most recently, and with a coffee cup in hand outside the room, this is fine, and I and they have little problem grinning and joking. The problem I am up against is that Vicky is and has been sober all along. It was when R kicked her out of his scene four years ago that the bird hit the fan and became shredded tweet. Translated -- R relapsed. Telling this story in a meeting of cis folks is confusing and distracting to beginning people who need the focus on alcohol, and to the bunch with court cards (who could be a safety issue), and I have been asked to be one person or the other. Uggh. Vicky has all the need for the program that R did, but to share, needs to be the one who pulled all of R's drunken stunts for the sake of the group conscience. I can live with being stealth, lets face it, whichever gender I wear today is still the person who had the un recovered life of un controlled alcohol abuse. Someplace in this, honesty is gonna take a beating, and it can be harmful to a lot of people, but since both alcohol abusers and TG's are remarkable truth stretchers when unrecovered or fully in the closet, its a bit like a dog chasing its tail sometimes. What a life.

[Guest NyB]

I can identify with these posts a lot. I started out in AA as Lisa, then as time passed this sobriety I had to do something to address my transgender truth. I now, go by Lee/Li in the AA meetings. I had a few groups I made home groups and this time around I made lots of contacts. I am changing my name again, I feel like saying that like Forest Gump did when he said, I went to see the president again, to Tommy, it feels like it is a name I like and fits and li or lee was a half measures kind of pick, so long story short, o need to change the name everyone is calling me in AA because I can't go on having 5 names people call me. And it is $&@" uncomfortable. Even the Glbt meetings have judgement and NY can be kinda judgemental too, especially some of the meetings I go to, but, I need to go to meetings so I guess it is time to face those fears and move beyond them. Working on step 4 now and fear of judgment or fear of my family not loving me or evenbfear of losing Lisa for good comes up... Yet I have to move forward... I may have veered from topic a bit here, hope my share helped.

[VickySGV]

Only one of you can recover!! Who is it going to be? One of you has a foot in reality, and feet are more useful in doing steps than rear ends are, so find the best set of feet!! You can do it, the program will help.

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am really lucky to have a transgender and allies NA group to call my home group. It is hard for trans people to find a support group within a cis community, but not impossible. It is also hard to separate the addiction from the effects of being trans. I have found the 12 steps to be helpful in my transition. I am living full-time and I attend womens meetings and I'm looking for a new sponsor and I don't know where I will find her. The NA home group I attend has only a few with extended sobriety and they are transmen. I don't have anything against them, it is the attraction that is the problem. I am attracted to both sexes and from fem to manly and everything in between. I dont want anything more than a sponsor. But I have been around long enough to know that things can go otherwise between a sponsor and sponsee if they are attracted to each other in other ways.

Huggs

Emily

[Michelle 2010]

So we have 927 views on this topic since its inception and 7 posts. Clearly there is a lot of curiosity by real and potential AA folks on the issue. So here is my update.

Since posting in November of last year I have continued to come out individually to AA members I am friends with and ones who's program I respect. I started doing this because I recognized I was living two lives again, like when i actively drank and that i needed to bring my worlds together. As a Two Spirit TG I am in the awkward position that i can be a fence sitter and not come out as part of a larger full time transition. Yet, in 2010, I recognized the need to do come out of the closet, overcoming a lifetime of fear.

Today I am out to many folks in AA and I don't know if they gossip. I have recieved such respect and support that I no longer live in fear of what people think. This is a huge shift for me. In every case where I disclosed my situation, I have had respect and support. The amazing thing is the immediate rapport that is established, and the degree of sharing by those I tell, who in turn tell of the challenges and trauma in their lives. It is a profound revelation to me that when I become real with them, they reciprocate and get real with me. I have heard that the best way to alter another persons behavior is to change our own, and I believe it completely.

Now, this approach is different than showing up at a meeting in a dress announcing my new name. That approach may be totally appropriate to many, particularly if embracing full transition...but for me the intimacy of one on one talks has deepened relationships and created others. My belief is that people in recovery who have what I want, are folks who went through their own personal Hell, and have achieved redemption and a new way of life. Those are the people who i gravitate to, not the drama queens and the folks that refuse to work the steps. My trust has been rewarded every time. Additionally, I come out to people who I think it will help understand the miracle of recovery.

Today I hostess dinner parties of people from my trans support group, spouses, a neighbor or two, and AA friends; people brought together over a dinner table engaging in lively sober discussion of any and every thing imaginable. Though different challenges have been overcome, everyone in attendance knows what it is to struggle to become the best person they can be when life has been filled with often strange and frightening twists and turns. There is total mutual respect and rapport. It is literally a dream come true. But... it meant stepping outside of my fear-based comfort zone, trusting god, and taking healthy risks in sobriety...

So to those 900 folks who view and wonder is AA and TG can co-exist, and whether the risk of being our real selves is an acceptable one, well, this is my story and maybe there is something in it that is helpful

Michelle

[Guest JoannaSydney]

I think this was a really good post michelle.I really hope transgender alcaholics can find aceptance in AA and be who they are.

[Charlize]

AA gave me sobriety but it also gave me the ability to grow into the person i am now. I had stopped going out after getting sober. I told my sponsor about my dressing during my 5th step and he didn't say much at all! That was amazing to me but a bit disappointing because i really thought it so important. While i was drinking i had started going to gay bars where i found some acceptance and others who were on similar paths. I loved it. I could be myself with others. In sobriety i lost that feeling. How could i go out and be with people in a meaningful way without the bar scene and the booze to give me bravery? I gave it up and was miserable. I didn't drink but the promises were not mine. On a trip out of town i packed some clothes and went to a women's meeting. The topic was honesty. i was honest and was still accepted! I had found a real home. Since then i've joined a GLBT meeting and have grown to love and be loved by many wonderful men and women who supported me when i came out to my straight group of 5 years. I'll finish by saying that the promises are coming true for me. Life has never been better. I'm living full time as myself. Another thing AA gave me. Thank you all for being there for me.

[gennee]

• Congratulations, Joanna. You can be yourself no matter what others may think or say. I'm sure that you feel much better about doing so. I'm sure that it helps as you travel the road to sobriety.
  

[Guest JoannaSydney]

• Congratulations, Joanna. You can be yourself no matter what others may think or say. I'm sure that you feel much better about doing so. I'm sure that it helps as you travel the road to sobriety.
  

omg thank you your so sweet

[Guest rita63]

I was reading the 3rd tadition in 12 & 12 and they talk about AA accepting "beggers, tramps, asylum inmates, prisoners,queers, plain crackpots, and fallen women". I suppose if you "confine you remarks to your' problems with alcohal" none of that needs to come up. But it does come up and AAmembers are supposed to care about the alcohalic and their sobriety, thats whats important. I have seen all different kids of folks at AA and that is a strength that makes it work.

hugs rita

[Michelle 2010]

Going to my LGBT meeting at in a half hour. About two months into the experience. It's nice to be able to claim my seat and to have everyone know exactly who I am. Led the meeting a couple weeks ago and put it all out. We don't need to apologize for who we are, right?

Seems to me that if I'm attending meetings where I'm not comfortable being me, I should find a meeting where I am... and so I have

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest JoannaSydney]

Going to my LGBT meeting at in a half hour. About two months into the experience. It's nice to be able to claim my seat and to have everyone know exactly who I am. Led the meeting a couple weeks ago and put it all out. We don't need to apologize for who we are, right?

Seems to me that if I'm attending meetings where I'm not comfortable being me, I should find a meeting where I am... and so I have

Hugs

Michelle

Thats wonderful michelle im so happy for you

[Charlize]

Hi all.

Being trans probably contributed to my becoming an alcoholic. Although it was a storm of many events and really ultimately my HP's will not mine.

It is amazing to me how much my recovery has contributed to my dealing with my trans issues and with the help of my HP its been almost easy when i think about it. AA gave me a voice as a woman and a safe place to explore myself outside of a bar. The rooms are so accepting of all and with the third tradition should always be accepting. I love to see the others in this forum feeling that same acceptance. For me it gave me a deeper understanding of the power of the fellowship and my HP.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest JoannaSydney]

I agree with you charlie and feel the same way that being transgender did contribute to my downfall with drugs and alcohol

[Guest eyzik20]

I don't know how much my being trans contributed to my becoming an alcoholic, because I feel I was born an alcoholic just as I was born trans. But I know I did drink over a lot of the issues surrounding my transness in my life. I haven't come out to my local group yet, I just enjoy being another one of the guys at this point, I don't know if I will ever be out to the entire group, at this point in my transition I don't know if its necessary, so I'm not sure if I feel I need to do that...today. Haha But just today talked to the man who has apparently been my sponsor for over a week (long story) and told him that I had to tell him something and if it was a problem for him we didn't have to work together anymore, I could find someone else. I finally got enough testicles to tell him I'm trans, and he basically had no reaction to it other than to tell me that who I am is who I am and that is all he would expect me to be. It was an awesome freeing experience. I feel so much mroe comfortable with him being my sponsor now than I did before.

I'm so happy I found this forum, it's great to connect with other recovering alcoholics who are trans:)

[Michelle 2010]

Nice to have you here Eyzik. We usually have a nice little core group on Sunday nights with occasional guests (no celebrities, lol) dropping in. Chat is a separate registration and is worth setting up in advance in order to avoid the gremlins that occasionally infest us, things like Java issues not fleas! Hope to see you there.

Since your new here it would be nice if you drop by the Introductions forum and say hi to the rest of the population. there are some pretty nice non-alcoholics here too While heading over there take a look at the rules and regulations to familiarize yourself with the no-no's and the its-ok's.

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest]

AA was how I can out bit by bit. I was the guy in skinny (girl) jeans and a Unisex shirt, I got to know the groups and the people in them. "Stick with the winner" isn't just a catch phrase. Winners know and live program and the acceptance. I started to go to one G&L meeting a week, to my surprise one of my friends from my TG support group is a member there. That AA group is very safe and supporting. They were my test bed for my progressively female fashions. That helped me come out in main stream AA groups and on the street. Take baby steps and it doesn't matter what they think of you, just what you think of you and what you think of them. My transition was my last secret and I know I am only as sick as my secrets. I can now be authentic and live a transparent life. My connection with my higher power has been rocketed into the fourth dimension and I live here clean and sober. Now that's a miracle from the old runnin and gunnin macho me!

I have Three sponsors one straight male, one straight female and one lesbian female. None have a problem with each other or me. I also have many mentors. Build your self a sobriety network as I have. These are not musts they are suggestions. My AA introduction is; "Hi, I'm an alcoholic, please call me Jody" In time all do unless they want to be rude. Usually the old-timers will stop them for me. The baby steps are; Trust God, clean your side of the street and go to meetings. Geez I sound like an AA parrot. but hey it works for me. I pass. giggle Jody

[Michelle 2010]

!200 views since this topic was started last year... Very nice. It can be fearful, can't it. Since my first post in this thread in November 2011, I am just about done and transparency is about complete. Since my journey has not been to full time transition, it has made things a little different than for others here. I am out to all I care about, to many others, some of who are learning every week. Attending a new church as openly trans has brought me in contact with AA people I respect but who did not previously know.

It has become a matter of fact disclosure rather than a big deal because I am not the same person I was in November of last year. In order for me to move out of fear it was necessary for me to move my feet. Move a muscle, change a thought. I could act my way to honorable thinking better than thinking my way to honorable actions. Today I made an appointment to have lunch with a man who was a mental stumbling block for me. It is the last small hurdle. The purpose of the lunch is for my benefit, tho I believe he will respect my journey. Whether he does or not, I will be free of the fear I used to have of being judged by certain types of guys. No matter what he thinks of my journey and my trust in god to accompany me, I no longer fear what other people think. That is coming a long way in my life from November 2011.

My journey in AA has shown that the very large majority of people I come in contact with respect that a person is coming in concious contact with a higher power and trusting god in the important decisions they are making in their lives. This is the "practice these principles in all our affairs" part of the book. And the simple reality is that people that don't respect that principle are not worthy of our fearing their judgement because they are spiritually sick, and haven't grasped the ultimate destination in AA which is to develop a relationship with god.

If you are new in AA, and you keep coming back, and you take healthy risks, trusting the program, your life will change in ways that are hard to imagine.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest]

Well said Michelle, You go girl! Jody

[Guest eyzik20]

Well,

I've had 3 sponsors since I entered AA. I'm on my fourth now, he seems to finally be the right guy for the job. My first one didn't attend meetings anymore. My second was a temporary who I never saw. My third took me through all 12 steps in 2 days. My current has been a member for over 20 years, he goes to a meeting daily, has a home group, and seems to be one of the most humble old timers I've met yet. He told me he'd work with me if I stopped being wishy washy. He's right, I was being wishy washy, mostly because I was afraid of how possible sponsors would react to finding out I transitioned. The past 3 didn't seem to care at all (the first one transitioned as well), so by my current sponsor my fear has subsided and I really didn't care what his response would be I figured out it would be fine whenever and however I told him. I'm not sure if he wants to be called my "sponsor" but I am "working with him". Seems like trying to figure out the title with someone you're dating...anyway. It didn't come up in conversation (I've had some other things going on and renting space in my head) until today. We were talking about my bull s****ing myself over a friendship I have with a girl in the program, he said I have the option go out, get drunk, and get laid, like the old days, but then I'd have to worry about if I got STDs or if I got the girl pregnant. So I said well, I can't really get anyone pregnant, I'm transgender. I said it so nonchalantly that he asked me if I was being serious and I said yes. He ended up accepting it as not a big deal, and it was cool because we agreed on the issues surrounding the trans thing. My therapist has told me time and time again that if I approach the subject in a calm manner- as if it's not a big deal, other people will most likely accept it with the same feeling, but if I approach it in a nervous/anxious/cautious manner because I'm scared of how others will react, people will be more questioning of it and more critical of it becuase of how I behave and present the issue. This is the first time I talked about it and protrayed it in the "this is not a big deal this is just a fact" manner, and surprisingly (or not surprisingly) it was reacted to the same way my therapist said it would be. Now how about that. Hopefully this is the last time I'll have to come out to a sponsor, not because it's a big deal, but because I hope I stop being wishy washy.

[Michelle 2010]

Alot of high quality information in your post Eyzik. While there are some clinkers in the wonderful world of Sponsoring, I really like the story of the old timer. I have a friend who is mtf who has an ol timer for a sponsor. The old timer doesn't pretend to understand but he practices the principles in all his affairs and can teach the steps and how he learned to stay sober. I think its AA at its best.

I love your therapist quote as well:

My therapist has told me time and time again that if I approach the subject in a calm manner- as if it's not a big deal, other people will most likely accept it with the same feeling, but if I approach it in a nervous/anxious/cautious manner because I'm scared of how others will react, people will be more questioning of it and more critical of it becuase of how I behave and present the issue. This is the first time I talked about it and protrayed it in the "this is not a big deal this is just a fact" manner, and surprisingly (or not surprisingly) it was reacted to the same way my therapist said it would be. Now how about that.

That has been exctly my experience. While it was a big deal to come out initially, I am now comfortable with who I am and it shows when I tell people. I have had many discussions about how our nonverbal manner contibutes so much to what we try to communicate. Further, people want to be comfortable, and when we are confident it puts people in their comfort zone. If we are edgy and nervous, whether talking or shopping, it makes those around us nervous and critical. So, by all means take the therapists words to the bank, lol!!!

I was "out" at a meeting while on vacation, and was pleased that people to paid more attention to my share than my appearance. several came up and said they were glad I stopped in while on vacation. It was reaffirming of the 3rd tradition, that is we can claim our seat in any meeting if our desire is to stop drinking.

Hugs

Michelle