I'm confused about who I am, but I feel like I'm getting warmer...

[Guest hoffnungsvollharuna]

I've envisioned myself as someone with male parts since I was very young. I feel like a person with male parts living inside of a container that has female parts. This hasn't really brought me distress until I was coerced into a sexually abusive relationship when I got to college. I had not had any sort of sexual relationship before then with anyone. I had not been in any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. I was confused. I thought I was a lesbian...but I had not even begun to acknowledge my attraction to men. I felt an attraction to men, but not as a female. When I experienced attraction to men, I experienced it as a male. The same went for my attraction to women, though I didn't really understand this at the time. I didn't understand any of this until recently. I didn't really learn that there were others like me - androgynous males - until recently, either. I don't see androgynous males in my community, so I didn't ever really think that I could be male but still embrace the "feminine" aspects of my identity.

-I hope I'm using the appropriate language. I'm used to just completely rejecting gendered language because I get so frustrated with it, so please let me know if I'm not appropriately or respectfully using the right words. My social anxiety doesn't help ^^;.

So, anyway, that's why I feel sort of lost about who I am. Well, felt. I feel like I'm content with the identity of androgynous male. I think I'm just really scared.

I'm seeing a therapist, but I don't think that this person is a gender therapist. I started seeing her for my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. I had been feeling pretty depressed and locked away, shut off from reality for a really long time, but this 4 year abusive relationship that I experienced made me feel even more disconnected from myself and the people around me. I felt so broken and strange afterwards. Violated. I didn't really know about my identity, so of course I had not communicated this identity to my "partner" at the time - I really don't know how to refer to her because I'm still not fully out of the state of mind that I was in that relationship because it hasn't really been officially over even a year yet. I don't speak with her anymore, though. I'm still afraid of her, nonetheless, because she has my contact information and she works with my dad. I'm scared that one day she'll out me as a "lesbian" to my parents. I tried coming out to them as a lesbian once before, which is a whole separate story.

But, the experience of me trying to come out to my parents in addition to constant hate speech flying around in my house makes me feel that it unsafe for me to seek the help of a gender therapist to help me sort through everything so that I can see where to go with the little I have realized about myself. I'm looking for work right now since I'm a recent graduate, and once I get some money saved up and get started on paying back my student loans (sooo stressful...) I will be OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE (YIPEE!!!). Then seeing a gender therapist won't be a problem. But until then I just feel...really...stuck?

I don't know. A few of my real life friends have been really supportive of my attraction to any and all sexes and gender expressions. I really don't know how they will take my identifying as a different sex than that which they have become accustomed to seeing me as. So, I don't really feel like I have anyone that I can talk about this with in detail. I've recently made a few friends online who are very accepting and understanding, so that's nice. I'm looking to explore my identity more here, and with my current therapist if I can continue to feel comfortable with them.

I'm optimistic (today) though. Some days are worse than others. I'm just really happy to be here.

[Guest Mia J]

Not sure where you are but if you have not seen a gender therapist yet is there a GLBT center or support group anywhere close to where you live? You may be able to get at least some support there.

Please feel free to explore the site here and share with us as we are here to help with each other.

You have a good plan to see a gender therapist as soon as you can but the key is being able to survive in everyday life until you can.

Know that you are not alone here. We are all in this together.

Mia

[Guest hoffnungsvollharuna]

Thank you Mia for your wonderful welcome + happy birthday posts and for your comment on this topic. I honestly don't know if there's a GLBT center or support group around here. I'll definitely check! I've never looked for one close to home because I'm just so used to hiding that I don't think to look for support anywhere near my home. All the support I have - friends, and my therapist - they're all in my college town. I get panicky whenever I think about bringing my life home with me. But you're right, it'll probably be useful in terms of day-to-day survival to find a GLBT center in my area. It's frightening to think about but I'll give it a shot! <3!

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, I think you have your priorities straight, now all you need is a little patience. The time will come soon when you will have your independence and can begin your journey of discovery. Until then, learn all you can and do the things you can do without causing a stir at home. Get the kind of clothes and accessories you need, research G.T.'s and clinics and support groups in your area, and get prepared.

It is not surprising that you're confused; how gender and sexual attraction interplay can be very complex. But the key is that there is no wrong answer. How you feel is how you feel, and you need not conform to anyone's expectations, not even mine. Do what makes you happy, and brings you inner peace. Those are strivings that all of us have in common.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest hoffnungsvollharuna]

Hon, I think you have your priorities straight, now all you need is a little patience. The time will come soon when you will have your independence and can begin your journey of discovery. Until then, learn all you can and do the things you can do without causing a stir at home. Get the kind of clothes and accessories you need, research G.T.'s and clinics and support groups in your area, and get prepared.

It is not surprising that you're confused; how gender and sexual attraction interplay can be very complex. But the key is that there is no wrong answer. How you feel is how you feel, and you need not conform to anyone's expectations, not even mine. Do what makes you happy, and brings you inner peace. Those are strivings that all of us have in common.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Thanks for the tips Carolyn Marie . You're so correct in understanding why I'm confused ;. It's really helpful to hear that there is no wrong answer. I have to be reminded of that sometimes. I try to remember to just be who I am. That which I am looking for within labels will likely come naturally if I'm true to myself.

<3!