Autobiography + outreach

[Guest _Guest_]

I figure that many of you have experience in these matters and could lend a future mtf a hand through the beginning stages of her transition. By reading this thread and replying you have the potential to drastically impact my life and I will forever be grateful for whatever advice I receive.

Ok, let me begin by giving a brief history of my feminineness. I have always been turned on by transformations, even from a young age, watching cartoons I would be turned on by men changing into women, aliens and werewolves. Something about becoming a new person appealed to me. One notable example is the first Scooby doo live action movie. During the scene when the gang switches bodies and Fred enters Daphne’s, I became insanely jealous. I desperately wanted what he had and wished for some supernatural power to sweep me up and into a woman’s body.

Growing up, I had a recurring series of dreams where I would wake up in a woman’s body and have to turn to one of my more sexually educated friends for assistance. I remember, waking up and almost breaking into tears figuring out it wasn’t reality. It crushed me knowing that I was still a man. I should have connected the dots there, but I wasn’t even aware of the amazing medical abilities to change genders, to me it would seem to forever remain a dream.

Seventh and eighth grade went by and I started my freshmen year of high school. Along with my freshmen year, I also began puberty. I remember always being envious of women and their shapely figures. Sophomore year, in biology class one day, we managed to get the teacher off topic and somehow stumbled onto a discussion about transexuality. This peaked my interests. Hearing him say that men trapped in female bodies and vice-versa can be set free by medical procedures gave me butterflies in my stomach. That night I looked up the procedures and found some recipients of the operations and regimens. And I thought it was just a fetish… (HA!)

As sophomore year went on I got more and more into it. I began shaving, trying out female voices and walking like a female (all in private of course). One day, it just hit me; that should be me. I should be one of these women. It is now junior year, I’m 16 years old and I think about it every day. As of two weeks ago, I’ve been cross-dressing privately and it just feels so right. Recently, I’ve begun letting out my “inner-female” in public with the hopes of hinting at my transexualness. This is hard for me though because I’ve put up so many walls to keep people away from the true me. Not expressing my feelings and letting people get on an intimate level with me is the first of my many problems you will need to help me sort out…

For starters, I go to an all boy school and am on the swim team. Had I managed to begin secretly or with the help of my parents, (my next problem) it wouldn’t remain a secret for long. The puffy nipples and breast growth would be a dead giveaway and going full-time girl would mean that I couldn’t go to that school anymore.

You might just say, “Quit swimming!”, that, however, is not an option with my parents. My Dad is the stereotypical conservative type (afraid of anybody who is different really) so transitioning would not fly in his household. My Mom, on the other hand, is a very open minded and loving woman. She would be confused and sad at first, but eventually come back to loving me. The main problem with her though is that she would doubt I was telling the truth and instead think I was doing this for attention or was just a phase (she wouldn’t see the catastrophic down-side of waiting until I was older). I almost forgot to mention my homophobic older brother who I fear would label this as a joke and never recognize me for who I really was.

My current plan of action:

(Remember, this post is the first time any of this has left the comfort of my of head - Deep within the closet!)

-Come out to my mom who would then schedule me for the therapist appointments and hint to my dad that she thinks I might be transsexual.

-After hinting to him, she would then have him ask me if I was and then I’d admit it. (pretending she didn’t know)

-Then, as a family, we would fill my brother in. If my dad and mom will support it, he will too.

-If this went smoothly, I’d tell them the reasons I wanted to quit swimming for so long and they would most likely submit. (they’ve forced me into it for almost 8 years now)

-I could then begin the hormone regimen while still in high school and within a year and a half develop everything I can, except the hair. (remaining in the closet to everyone at school, hiding everything I could)

-After graduation, I would then be allowed to grow out my hair, and go full female mode by the end of the first semester of college. (I would be 18 at the time)

I’m terrified at even the thought of telling anyone and almost throw up when I so much as think about it, but I know that when I do, I have the potential to be a beautiful girl:

Negatives:

-big hands and feet ( size 13, ughhh)

-6’1” and growing (most of my family is over 6’2”)

-medium to large masculine nose (correctable of course)

Positives:

-Small chin

-late bloomer on male puberty

-nearly no adam’s apple

-mom if very well off on the female features

-big blue eyes

-Toned body

I know I can do this with the support of my family and the internet. What do you guys think about my plan and how I will do? Will college be a more accepting place (looking to go to somewhere in California)? Will I be able to hide the beginning stages well enough?

Thank you for your time, patience and future responses. Hopefully, I’ll be in your shoes one day and be able to give another girl a chance. <3

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jade,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. I think your plan will succeed if you have the mind set to go ahead with it. It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight but it is doable. It would benefit you greatly if you could get counseling from a gender therapist.

MaryEllen

[Guest _Guest_]

It's so nice to hear from someone Mary, thank you and I hope I can muster up the strength.

[Carolyn Marie]

Jade, your plan seems very reasonable. However, as with all plans, things are subject to change, and very often it won't work out the way you envision it. So build in some options, or at least leave open the possibility that you'll have to change your plans mid-stream. What we often say is that you should hope for the best, and plan for the worst. People's reactions are far from predictable. I do give you credit, though, for coming up with a plan in the first place.

Regarding your physical issues, please don't stress over all that. Some of the most beautiful natal women I've known have been 6 feet or taller, and at your age, hormones will have significant effects on your appearance. They won't give you a smaller nose, but lots of other good things can happen.

Take MaryEllen's advice, and once out to at least one parent, see if you can get them to schedule you with a G.T. It will be worth it in so many ways.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Jade,

I wish I could give advice, but I'm now on my 4th attempt at Transition. The only valid advice I can give, is please accept yourself early, and take it slow. The Journey is never easy. I wish you the best, and my heart goes out to you.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[Guest katy622]

Jade, I can relate to you in so many ways. I have also thought about going through the transformation as a teen while its not too late because of puberty. I have similar body features, big feet (14) and hands, I am currently 6'3" and still growing, yet i don't have a slender figure, and thankfully, I don't have close minded parents. I haven't gotten to the stages of cross dressing, even in secret, but I know that a woman is who I want to be. So many parts of your life I can relate to, and I have thought about coming out, yet I don't know how everybody close to me would react. I hope the best for you and that you one day find happiness, you have inpsired me to tell my story, too, and hopw for advice. best of luck