Coming out to my NA group?

[Guest Nova Maria]

I've been clean for over two years, and I've been with my home group for at least 18 months...now that I'm starting HRT, I feel like I really need to talk to my group about it. But I'm scared.

I've rarely talked with my group members about LGBT-related topics because we're busy talking about recovery. Consequently, I have no vague understanding of what kind of environment I'd be coming out into. I'm scared.

Ahhh! Anybody done this? Advice???

Nova

[VickySGV]

First item -- Have you come out to your sponsor? This would be a first step in doing it. Your sponsor can give you some insight into what the group conscience would be able to deal with if you came out. Over on the AA board, Michelle 2010 has pointed out that she at last realized that she would not be fully in the program, and likely to have a problem if she was not honest about the condition to her sponsor, because it would make the step incomplete. She did come out to her sponsor and was quickly accepted.

My experience is in AA but the whole thing is similar. You may not be able to bring it up as part of the actual meeting discussions, but conversations during the pre meeting, coffee break, or post meeting times will probably be ok if it is someone you know, and who is not in the very fragile beginnings of recovery. When enough of the group learns about you, then down the line it may become an important part of your "qualifcations" as to who you are, and what part your' becoming fully honest about yourself about the GD will be accepted for the general stuff. Big point is to ba able to gauge where it becomes an integral part of your recovery.

I have a friend who is out fully to her NA group, and in fact is the secretary of the group for the next year!

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Nova, I applaud your willingness to deal with this in a forthright manner. A couple of issues that will help you put it in context...

1. Physically, how do you present now and how will you present in the next year?

2. Are you active in your group and respected for your program and service?

3. Is your plan to fully transition?

4. Like Vicky said, do you have a sponsor and have you confided?

My strategy was to come out selectively to people who knew me and respected me. Having been in the closet for many years, I had to overcome fear of people judging and disapproving of this essential part of who I am. Having come out to @ 15 people in AA with no rejection, my fears have dissipated. Btw, most were not members of my home group. The experience has increased my faith in my higher power and helped me get to the point that i believe that if and when i run into people who have a problem with who I am, it is their problem, not mine.

Personally, I would not "make a speech" and announce it as a central issue in a meeting. There are those who would say it is not part of the primary purpose of the meeting and they may be right. If you tell a few people and don't swear them to secrecy, I'm sure the word will get around. Additionally, if you were doing a speaker meeting, it could be used as an example of coming to grips with issues of self acceptance, but again, I wouldn't do a 'coming out" speech in NA.

Lastly, I think some of it will become self evident. My appearance has changed considerably. I do service work in and out of the group, I share openly and honestly, trying to remain in the solution rather than the problem when sharing. So on many levels, my integrity and actions are what they have always been. However, who I am on the inside is becoming more obvious on the outside... In 12 step recovery, my primary goal on a daily basis is to understand and act on God's will for me as I understand it. Members of the fellowship who I respect do the same. I don't think those people will 'kick me to the curb" because of my trans issues. They believe in a loving god, not a vindictive, judgmental one...

Hope this helps!

Michelle

[Charlize]

Hi dear, I must agree that getting and being honest with a sponsor is the best start. Do you have any gay meetings in your area? That has been great for me. I have met others going through transitions there and being able to talk to an accepting group can help so much. I finally did come out to my AA home group of 5 years a month ago. I had told most of the members which was hard but rewarding. I then (its a speaker meeting) arranged to be the speaker for a nice young woman. After periods of not being able to sleep I arrived at the meeting as Charlie, my female self. I wasn't recognized by many but have found a great deal of understanding and acceptance. After all thats what I need Acceptance of my own life and others reactions. Next I may have to go to my gay meetings as Chuck, so they will know that part of me. You will find acceptance if your group really believes in the first tradition.

Best of luck, love, Charlie

[Charlize]

Buy the way congratulations on your sobriety, it's a miracle, Charlie