Hello All

[Guest Quin]

Hello everyone.

I'm not all-together sure how I should introduce myself - if I should introduce myself as female, male, or otherwise. I put myself as Adrogenous because I'm not quite sure where I stand. All I know is that I'm not female, that's for sure.

I am 20, born as Jennifer, a female. I am an artist and a bit of a writer as well. I'm a very serious tom-boy and most of my male friends consider me 'one of the guys'. It's a role I've had for a very long time. I've always been 'one of the guys'.

Right now I'm in a state of self-discovery (well, I have been for years now, but now it's more aimed at my indenity rather than personality - because I know my personality quite well now... I'm just, well, still figuring out exactly who *I* am). I'm exploring a lot of different parts of me, hoping I'll find answers to questions I've had for a long time.

I joined this board in hopes to obviously figure something out - my gender idenity.

I've never idenitified as female. I've played the part and I've tried to stick myself in that box but it's never fit for me. Sometimes I consider myself masculine, sometimes I consider myself to have apsolutely no gender what-so-ever.

These are parts of me. I can dress ultra-feminine and aparently I pull off the part very well, physically speaking (though once you get to know me, as my friends have commented, I tend to act and think more like a man than a woman). I have also dressed ultra-masculine, boxers an all (though I'd have to admit I feel a hell of a lot more comfortable dressed in men's clothes).

Over the years I've gone through trends/phazes/bouts of whatever... sometimes trying to be female but finding that it causes me a lot of stress, and sometimes just giving in to what I want to do and dressing more masculine in t-shirts and guy's jeans. Right now I have a lot of girl's clothing - mostly girl's shirts and pants. Amusingly enough, my favorite articals of clothing are my guy's pants and shorts. I love them so much. They're very comfortable and I just feel better wearing them.

About a week ago I started binding my chest. I've been wanting to for years and years but was kind of afraid of the concept of duct-tape on sensetive areas so I never did. I got a back-support and have been experimenting with it, and it's working quite niceley for me, though I still have to layer (at least I think) to completely pull it off.

Something amazing happened the first time I bound my chest. I looked in the mirror and for the first time in who knows when... I actually liked what I saw. For the first time in my life I felt comfortable in my own skin.

So I think this is the answer for me.

I've been battling depression for such a long time I'm not even quite sure I know what it's like to be happy with myself. I was offically diagnosed with depression when I was about seven or so. So... well... I just don't want to let go of this new-found confidence.

Anyways, that's the reason basically why I'm here. I need a bit of support and I'm not completely getting that from the people around me. One of my friends has completely given me a bunch of flack up and down about binding my chest and dressing masculine. I'm not sure if he thinks it'll stop me, but it won't. When I first brought up the thought of being a trans about a year ago I was bumbarded by my male friends saying "but you're such a pretty girl" and I don't think they realize that being a pretty girl or not has nothing to do with this.

Either way, this is where I am in my life - exploration of possibly the oddest type (at least to those on the outside). I feel like I must be some kind of freak or a really messed up individual (which no doubt would not be desputed, I'm a bit odd)... and I'm tired of feeling weird because I don't fit the mold of what people think I should be. So I'm reaching out to others, trying to make some sense of everything.

But heya. And, as for my male name... I picked 'Quinlan', which means 'perfection of form'. I wanted a name that would fit both genders for some obvious reasons... and I've always liked the name Quin. I originaly thought 'Quinten', but I looked up the meanings and I rather liked the meaning behind Quinlan... I thought it would fit the journey quite well.

Take care.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Quin,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Have you ever considered counseling with a gender Therapist? It would really help to put you at ease with the things that are bothering you.

MaryEllen

[Guest Quin]

I'd really like to, eventually... but I'm really not ready to come out of the closet so to speek. I'm not sure how my parents would react (I currently live with them). I'm waiting to get insurance, which might end up taking awhile... and I suppose when I get a therapist I'll eventually bring it up and then go from there.

Everything's at a creep right now, as far as mental health goes. I've got to wait for everything (and there is a lot of therapy that I need to get done right now, for multiple things). I've just got to cross my fingers and hope that it'll be sooner than later.

[Guest Michele H]

Welcome Quin - MaryEllen is right - a good gender therapist will really help. There is no one answer - each of us needs to find our own path and what is right for us at this point - and it can change with time. There is alot of support here on this forum for you as well most seem to be around your age and there are a few of us older folk as well - I am also seeing more quality books coming out - would recommend looking for books written by trans individuals - Most of the books are available through Interlibrary Loan from your public libary. As for Duct tape - Ouch! suggest maybe posting a question to the Tmen in the group to see what they use.