Life as I know it ...

[Guest wonderdillon]

Hello All,

I am new at truly introducing myself, so I will do the best i can. I am 29 years old and was born a 'female.' I grew up with 3 sisters and later, earned 2 brothers. I have 1 biological sister, 2 step sisters and 2 step brothers. My childhood was kind of unconventional. My mom and dad were middle school sweethearts and divorced 6 months after I was born (I am the baby). I lived with my mom my entire life and grew up in a rich town, which we were not. My mom was a single mom who raised my sister and I. My sister was the artsy, smart, unique, expressive child. I, on the other hand, was the shy, quiet, sporty and "gay" looking child. I always had my hair short and if I grew it out, it was because I had too and never styled it. I only put it up in a low ponytail and it was so unbelievably awkward. I played softball for 10 years and was a full time catcher. Throughout school I was bullied. I was bullied the way kids are being bullied now that is FINALLY getting some recognition! Regardless, when I was in grade school, I would ask my friends that were girls, if they would think I was cute as a boy. I would sit and think about my future and only see myself as a man. I hated to say "i am a girl." In fact, I still have a hard time with that. I always wore mens clothes, sneakers and underwear. I always wanted to mow the lawn instead of do the dishes. I would rather shovel the driveway then do the laundry. Now, I am not saying that there should be any specific gender who does these things, I just wasn't comfortable doing the domesticated stuff for some reason.

As I grew up, I began to come out to people as "gay." I never could use the word lesbian. I still don't use it. I had plenty of girlfriends in college. I became such an activist, that I was the President of our GLBTQ organization on campus for nearly 2 years. During that time, we were able to open up a real center where we could have private meetings and a space to call our own. During that time, I met the first person that I knew to be FTM. He was an interesting man and I learned a lot from him. I envied his courage and strength to be who he was and be open about it. It's funny, people envied me for my courage and strength for being so comfortable and out about who I was. Little did they know, I was struggling inside. I went to conferences and seminars with the organization and met a few more trans people who I felt intrigued by. I found myself listening more intently to them than anyone else. I remembered more of what they said.

A few years later, I admitted to myself that I not only wanted to be a man, that I felt I was inside. Although I am mistaken for a man all the time, or should I say 16 year old boy, I do not believe I resemble a man in any way. I get "sir" all the time. I respond quicker when someone calls me "sir" then when they say "ma'am." I usually don't go to public bathrooms due to the public's lack of education or filters.

I graduated from college and put myself through the Police Academy. I graduated from the police academy and was hired with a full time police officer job within 3 months. Instantly I fit in. I worked primarily with men and it was like I was one of them. It was the only place I could feel comfortable. It is not the uniform I am talking about, but the fact that I can act like one of the guys, and they respond to me as if I were one. The township I work for is incredibly supportive of my family. They allowed me to add my wife to our health benefits and any other benefits the federal government does not control. The problem is, I don't know how educated they are with my being FTM. My biggest fear about coming out as a FTM is work. I have been there about 6 1/2 years and have established so much. I am afraid of what the result would be.

Anyway, I met my now wife in college when we were 29 years old. We were college roommates and we have been together ever since. She is so unbelievably supportive of me in so many ways. She knows that I feel this way, but it's not something we have ever talked about because it seemed so impossible because of my career. Regardless, we got married in Sept 2008 and she gave birth to our son (via anonymous donor) in Feb 2010. They are my absolute world. I don't know what I would be without them and no matter what, I know they will always be there for me. I recently began a new friendship with a woman, who is a lesbian and a police officer as well. We hit it off really quickly and she gets me. One evening we began questioning each other just to learn a bit more about each other. Somehow, my feeling FTM came up. She suddenly became interested and wanted to help me. She was sad that I had been dealing with this for so many years myself. She found this website and told me I could find support through her, but that she doesn't understand what I am feeling. She suggested you all because of what you all have been through. I hope that you can help support me and guide me. I am not saying this is something I am going to come out to anyone else IRL, but that doesn't mean in 10 years I won't.

Thanks for listening and I look forward to developing new friendships. I guess I am alone IRL and hope that I don't have to feel that way. For so many years I suppressed this because I had no one to talk to. I have posted a little on here and the response, so far, has been amazing.

Thanks,

WD

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Dillon,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest wonderdillon]

Thank you, I was thinking about doing that! :-)