Post orgasmic shame

[Guest thomasina uk]

Why is it I feel enormous shame about my CD'ing right after ejaculation?

I want the shameful feelings to stop

T

[Drea]

You shouldn't feel shame.

Why do you feel this shame? Perhaps there is some guilt involved?, perhaps because the perception is that society feels it is wrong?

Even within a community such as this, where the focus by many is on things other than the clothes and many talk about how it is not a sexual thing, it is possible to end up feeling kind of alone or that such feelings are still something to be ashamed about.

In my opinion, any healthy expression and outlet of one's sexuality should be a positive thing, nothing to be ashamed about.

[Guest cynthash]

You shouldn't feel shame.

Why do you feel this shame? Perhaps there is some guilt involved?, perhaps because the perception is that society feels it is wrong?

Even within a community such as this, where the focus by many is on things other than the clothes and many talk about how it is not a sexual thing, it is possible to end up feeling kind of alone or that such feelings are still something to be ashamed about.

In my opinion, any healthy expression and outlet of one's sexuality should be a positive thing, nothing to be ashamed about.

The only thing I would add is that if something's natural to you, just do it! Be who you are. Hope that helps.

[Guest thomasina uk]

You shouldn't feel shame.

Why do you feel this shame? Perhaps there is some guilt involved?, perhaps because the perception is that society feels it is wrong?

I don't fully understand why, but my CD'ing is hand in hand with my libido.

After orgasm I am overcome with feelings of self revulsion and inadequacy.

T

[Guest Risu]

I am MtF so this isn't exactly the same thing but I feel the same way. When I think about being in intimate situations as a woman with my pre-op body I am over come with self disgust and loathing.

I mentioned this to my therapist and she told me exactly as others have said, that I am putting society's ideas that what I am doing in pursuit of myself is something to be ashamed of. Basically I have adopted negative feelings about my body because greater society says that is what I should feel, and possibly those who are close to me gave me those impressions as well.

I imagine what you're experiencing is similar. You've embraced your need to cross dress but perhaps there are still other things you need to come to terms with. I still haven't found the answer for myself but hopefully you will find a healthy way to come to terms with whatever is causing these feelings.

[Guest KayJo]

T, you have no reason to feel shame. Its ok to be yourself and its ok to express yourself sexually. No reason for any kind of shame or guilt. I think you are being a responsible husband and father, and are doing your best to care for your family. So, CD'ing or wanting to CD are harmless outlets for your self-expression and its not at all unreasonable for you to want to do those things.

Hugs

KY

XX

[Guest Kael147]

I know this is different cause I'm FTM, but...

I cry after an orgasm. Frankly they usually take a lot of effort and a lot of patience to get there, especially once I started packing and binding regularly. My therapist tells me it is hormonal - I really hope when the T starts that my libido will brighten up and I'll actually be able to enjoy being sexual again.

[Guest rita63]

I know what you mean. When I was younger and only hetro sex was acceptable I couldn't get out of my girl clothes fast enough and put them away. It didn't help when my male lover threw me out of bed for wearing panties and my wife never did accept me.

It will get better as you sort yourself out over time, I still don't go out but I can relax at home dressed all day with no shame or guilt.

Just keep being yourself honestly and others will learn to accept you.

hugs, rita

[Guest AlyTheGreatAngel]

I'm mtf, but I use to feel bad when I would self gratification. I mean I still do just without the shame! I think you have to be yourself, and don't care what others think. Its perfectly NATURAL everyone does it and if they don't the get wet dreams. U.U Don't feel bad just be you.

[Guest Amber90]

I also, at times, experience these crushing feelings of shame and guilt after an orgasm, and they are indeed highly unpleasant emotions. But you must always remind yourself that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong or immoral.

I believe that my post-orgasmic shame is a result of the negative portrayals that society can have toward crossdressing. After orgasm, I sometimes think about the cruel and unfair representations that society can throw at transgender individuals, resulting in my inner voice telling me that I'm a troubled and sick soul. But of course I am not sick, and neither is yourself.

From my experience, it is often best to remind yourself, during these post-orgasmic guilt trips, that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, and that you have a right to express yourself, regardless of what others may think.

I do hope, that with time, you overcome such negative feelings, and learn to fully embrace your crossdressing nature. You deserve to be happy and free from self-shame

Amber

xx

[Guest NadineB]

I always felt shame after ejaculating. It just felt dirty to me. I used to cross dress all the time, then please myself or my wife would help. I always had those disgusting feelings. Since I came out as trans, and began transitioning it has only gotten worse. I am at a point I don't please myself that way anymore. Actually the front is out of bounds :-p

It was my dysphoria when it came to my genitals.

Luv Nadine

[Guest Emily H]

I used to feel the same way. Now, identifying myself as transsexual, I no longer feel shame, but i doubt that I am transsexual, which for many reasons, I know I am, and that my sexuality is separate from my feminine feelings. I have a theory, that sexual release is generally an intimate, physical, and emotional experience that your mind gets lost in. My crashes only have to do with the fact that I suddenly remember that my body is not a woman's body.

I'm thinking that maybe when you finish, your guard was let down so much that once again the unconscious mind that has been trained to reject such behavior suddenly wakes up. I think the real issue here is finding out who you are, how you identify, and then accepting yourself, consciously and subconsciously.

[Guest Deena]

IMO Cross dressing is a reaction to a hormonal chemical imbalance in the brain/body and is also a self validation of how you feel to yourself. That's it.

The cross dressing itself I believe has a short term effect on these chemicals that are mood enhancing. As far as the shame or revulsion after orgasm - I attribute to the scientifically proven spike in prolactin that occurs immediately after orgasm which radically lowers your sex drive (which is, again, part of why we cross dress in the first place) and also prevents your ability to have another erection soon afterwards. Just my opinion.

Deena

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

I know exactly how you feel hon.

I love how I feel and look when I get all dressed up. But as soon as sex / arousal becomes involved it changes. I still feel kind of happy, knowing that im experiencing arousal in a way closer aligned to who I feel I should be, but as soon as I climax i get about 10 seconds of bliss, then the self loathing kicks in.

The girl clothes have to come straight off and get hidden away ASAP. I wonder if its because Ive repressed who I feel like for so long that I associate my CDing with shame. I can only hope that the more I do it the more natural it will feel, and the less inclined to feel bad I will be.

I can only speak for myself here, but hopefully something will strike a chord with you and you can see that we have nothing to be ashamed of. =]

[Guest Wendae]

Never had the self loathing. More loss of interest in getting dressed. That could last for a few hours or a bit longer. But when I became oral that problem went away.

[Guest limburg]

I don't know if its shame or not but I completely loose any feeling of eroticism after I ejaculate. I am so into the female role dressed up, aroused or playing but when I'm finished it is all gone.

[Guest elliscd]

I also, at times, experience these crushing feelings of shame and guilt after an orgasm, and they are indeed highly unpleasant emotions. But you must always remind yourself that you are doing absolutely nothing wrong or immoral.

I believe that my post-orgasmic shame is a result of the negative portrayals that society can have toward crossdressing. After orgasm, I sometimes think about the cruel and unfair representations that society can throw at transgender individuals, resulting in my inner voice telling me that I'm a troubled and sick soul. But of course I am not sick, and neither is yourself.

I know how you feel, I'm in my twenties now, but when I was a teen I had exactly the same problem. These days, post-orgasm i lose any desire to cross-dress (for about 5-10min) but I no longer feel the shame. For me I think it was partly that I was slow to accepting that I was a cross-dresser (I used to have big purges etc), and also that it was confusing for me that something that didn't feel sexually arousing could be linked to my libido. the idea that it was purely just a sexual thing (which i no longer think it is) made it seem dirty, and drew my mind towards places exactly as per amber's post above.

[Guest kelise]

As a MtF, I may be a little different, but I do vaguely remember when I was a teenager and first started dressing, often It would eventually be accompanied by self gratification. After orgasm, I remember I would feel a sense of awkwardness, sometimes guilt, shame, and often paranoia. Usually I would quickly revert to male mode immediately and hide all evidence of what I had done. As I educated myself on what was going on with me, i began to chalk up these feelings to the rush of testosterone that coursed through me after the orgasm.

In later years, as I began to understand myself more and really see the female in me, a different kind of guilt and shame would overcome me post-orgasm. This had nothing to do with what I was wearing, as I would get this feeling regardless of what I was wearing, even if I was wearing nothing at all! These feelings of guilt and shame centered around what i was using to achieve my orgasm. That evil, mutant sausage that used to occupy my pants. Being pre-hrt at the time I had a male libido that would need to be quenched...regularly, and it worked, every time. But afterward I always felt dirty. Like I had done something horribly unnatural. Usually I'd end up rocking back and forth, sobbing, in the shower, as if the running water would wash the horrible maleness off of me and down the drain. This reduced in frequency once I started hrt, but only because my decreased libido allowed me to reduce the frequency of my "self-love" sessions. I would still get the nasty feelings, even with a partner, all the way up to surgery. They did get better once I had a steady, loving partner whom I trusted. I eventually taught myself to focus on the tip of "that thing",knowing that it would one day be my clit. That made things a little better. But I was never 100% comfortable with sex of any kind until I had my surgery.

[Guest sonia shadows]

Hi Thomasina. I share the same feelings as you and even after coming to terms with being a cross dresser and even coming out to many people recently I cannot lose that feeling post orgasm you describe. I have made some progress as when I am alone in night wear I can now sleep in it and wake up still cross dressed. It is often a very arousing thing to do and starts another session. sometimes my detrmination to overcome the revulsion has driven me to stimulate myself to another climax ten minutes later. After this, I am usually sated so much that there is no further inclination to continue cross dressing; hardly suprising! However, I cannot prevent the feelings you describe; I hope you get some re assurance from this and the others that have made similar comments. Perhaps both the chemical and social conditioning expalantions have major parts in how we feel; it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. I see the function of the forums to help us accept these feelings and re assure each other that we are not alone.

Sonia

[Guest Jenny C]

Ok.. my 2 cents...

Let's say that at a certain moment in your life a sexual satisfaction was imprinted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Konrad_Lorenz) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_(psychology)) in you (or some of us) by simple association...

Crossdressing = sexual satisfaction...

Maybe crossdressing was there before... But at a key moments, because of latent programming in your brain, the first and strongest association in sexual satisfaction was this one...

There has been then, imprinting...

Let's say that this behavior is not accepted around you and you must hide it... ;-)

When you do it, you have a feeling of not being ok.

So being cross-dressed is associated with pleasure, with or without sexual satisfaction...

So when you do dress, it is for a short period and you must get on with it not being discovered... And then sometime, you satisfy yourself, sexually...

this last part might be seen as the ultimate act before returning to "society" and letting go of this great feeling of well being...

So there is satisfaction and at the same time, mourning... satisfaction and not being ok... Satisfaction and having to hide... satisfaction and fear of being discovered...

All those gets mixed up... which could explain depression feeling and feeling of being alone, rejected and all that... And all that is associated to a fundamental need in life which is programmed in our brain... sexuality...

Ok, lets continue with these thoughts...

Imagine your environment does not permits you to satisfy this essential need... You feel frustrated and ashamed... And will continue to obsess you 'cause it is in you and was imprinted... A natural process... one of the strongest bounding... for the survival of the species...

You might get depressed... And all... And it will affect your life... No choice to find someone who will accept you or be alone...

Ok, lets continue with these thoughts... in another direction.

Let's say that you desire to continue to get dressed 'cause it is associated with pleasure and well being... But at the same time associated with the mourning previously described... You might eventually want it to become more real... and flee the part where there is dissatisfaction... Even though it is a strong urge...

Ok, lets continue with these thoughts... in another direction.

To be sexually aroused there need to be something new... a kind of peak experience... So you'll vary the stimuli... You know like getting a great new dress and feeling so well in it, looking so cute... And then you want to go further and further and further... So you always feel better and are more aroused...

And then you want to flee that mourning phase of returning back to reality... And eventually you want reality to become that wellness state more and more...

(...)

---------

Love,

Jenny

[Guest KatyDesire]

Here's maybe a slightly new take on it:

Think about it in evolutionary terms.

Your primary goal is to pass your genes on to the next generation. Only after that comes self-preservation.

Now, imagine you are an anthropoid ape, wandering around the African savannah. You are not the alpha male, but have a need to pass on his genes. You sneak into the alpha male's harem (many anthropoid apes have this kind of social set-up), and charm a friendly female into letting you impregnate her. Genes passed on - first box ticked.

Now, however, the next issue comes to the fore, namely personal survival. Not a good idea to hang around if the alpha male is going to find you and possible kill you. So you immediately drop all the mating display signals, and wander off with a "who me?" look on your face. If the alpha male now confronts you, you can say, with conviction: "but that's disgusting! I wouldn't do anything like that!"

Box number 2 ticked. Victory!

So maybe this has something to do with our evolutionary programming, and the circumstances surrounding the event. I suspect that if it happened together with a supportive partner, the negative feeling would disappear.

There you are - you can blame evolution!

Hugs,

Katy

[Guest DavinaG]

I suggest you try to separate your cross-dressing from sexual gratification. I think only then can you discover why you are doing this in the first place. If the sexual rush is the only motivation then your cross-dressing may be fetish based. If you can separate dressing from the other and feel comfortable as your femme self for an extended amount of time then there is more to it and you owe it to yourself to explore your feelings and motivations.

I was the same way. dress, gratify, move on but finally felt I needed more which I am working towards now.

[Guest MrMxyzptlk]

You shouldn't feel shame.

Why do you feel this shame? Perhaps there is some guilt involved?, perhaps because the perception is that society feels it is wrong?

I don't fully understand why, but my CD'ing is hand in hand with my libido.

After orgasm I am overcome with feelings of self revulsion and inadequacy.

T

I did the same thing for years. I think it was a mix of good old fasioned acculturated guilt from feeling any kind of pleasure outside the church sanctified methods of pleasure and guilt over the fact that I had made a mess in someone elses panties. Now that I am buying my own clothes and such the guilt is much less. Also I have fought to supress my urges in the past with horrible side effects on my libido. I became uninterested in sex for a while because I stopped playing dress up. Now that I have allowed myself the pleasure again I am intimate with my wife so much she is getting tired of it.

Just today I went home for lunch with a half an hour window for dressing up. I pulled into my white bustier, stockings and tried on a new to me red skirt suit combo with a black top. I'm still looking for a good wig, the one I got is a bit "frumpy" and it doesn't fit with the kind of woman I feel like when I dress. I will admit to a certain amount of self pleasuring in that time, I had a bad day and needed some of the comfort that dressing up gives me.

But guilt? Not any more. I gave up guilt for lent and never looked back.

Now if I can only justify to myself buying the $35 red platform stilletos at Kmart to go with the outfit...

Rochelle/Scott

[Guest Dreaming girl]

When I first started to dress in my teens I had he guilt problem with self satisfaction. But since I am older I love the feeling of the clothes and really enjoy it. I can get dressed and it dosen't even arouse me anymore. I just love the feeling of the clothes on my skin.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Thomasina and all

This is an interesting discussion. And...am I odd? I don't feel the need for any 'relief' during or after cross-dressing. Am I an odd one out? Yes, I do sometimes find erotic feelings in being dressed, especially if I choose to be a bit naughty, but that leaves me only with an emotional thrill rather than any urge for gratification. I'd be really interested if any of you girls are like me.

I love being dressed, like any of us, but in my world it is more an emotional steady fizz of happiness rather than a sexual thing. When I do get aroused, it is more as being a female, than being a man. The arousal is a kind of inside buzz.

I do know I have some pretty odd on-line test results (BBC brain gender = 75% female etc), BEM Sex Role Inventory is identical.

Am I supressing the natural urges? I'd love to know what you think!

BUT I do agree with others - whatever happens is natural expression of who we are in any role. We should never feel guilty for being who we are, and satisfying ourselves in harmless and pleasant ways. That is the essence of being human, surely?

Best wishes,, Eve