How do I know?

[Guest Oryx]

(Looking back on it, this is a VERY long post. Sorry about that. I just don't exactly have anyone I feel like I can talk to about it IRL, so it all just sort of came out.)

I am a 20 year old female-bodied person, currently questioning what my gender and sex identity are, and I've been having a hard time finding resources on how to figure out what my identity is. I don't know if this is the best place to be asking this, but I don't know where to go.

Reasons I think I might be male:

When I was little, I wanted to be a boy. I hated that the other boys wouldn't play with me because I was a girl, although the only difference between us was that they used a different restroom, as far as I could tell. I wasn't interested in most girlish things, and took pride in my physical fighting abilities. Whenever any of the other children did one of those "gender tests" where they ask how you look at your fingernails, or whether you prefer blue or red, I always wanted to do the male one.

I still don't like doing "girly" things for the most part, and often prefer to hang out with straight men rather than straight women, because I like their way of interacting better, and it feels more natural. That breaks, of course, when they start acting sexist, or treat me differently because of my apparent gender.

I hate it when people point to my vegetarianism as a feminine quality. I don't feel that being anti- the torture of animals is unmanly. And then I wonder why that bothers me so much.

I go to a women's college, and when there are plays in which there are male roles, the women who play them go to "man workshops" where they learn to present as men for the stage. I don't act, but I pick up tips from my friends, and I enjoy trying them out.

I changed my name from a very feminine nickname-sounding name to the feminine version of a gender neutral name (although one normally presumed to be male). Before I changed this (several years ago, although legally only more recently), I violently hated being introduced, because it meant one more person would know me by that name that I didn't associate with and hated being called. I spent years researching names, often drawn to those with masculine nicknames such as "Danny" or "Ari" or initials, like "A. J.", before finding the gender-neutral sounding name I currently use. Since I switched it, people (especially from my hometown) have been asking me whether I identify as male a lot, and I've always sort of laughed it off because I don't know yet, and it's easier to seem uncaring than unsure.

On the physical side of things, I have always been more interested in being buff than thin, in looking tough than looking pretty or sexy. I think long hair on me looks awkward, so I buzz it off every few months. Sexually I am unsure, because, although I feel a disconnect with my body in sexual situations (I don't like it when people draw attention to female aspects of my body), one of the first sexual experiences I had was very negative, and that might have affected me on that score.

When alone, I enjoy doing some things while imagining myself in a male body, like brushing my teeth topless, except I hate that my breasts jiggle, and I try to imagine what it would be like if they weren't there.

All this makes me question, but how do I know? I have a bunch of feminine traits as well, and occasionally I wonder if I want to be male or if I just wanted to be treated as male because it would get me more respect or something. I have enjoyed doing feminine things like dress shopping. My body as a female body is attractive, and I enjoy getting complimented on it.

I don't want to transition unless I am sure. I don't like doing things halfway. Maybe I am not really male, but am pushing myself towards it because I don't like what I am and hate going halfway. I think that I would be very strange as a man. Then again, I'm pretty strange as a woman at the moment, so that's probably to be expected. I don't want to be something as confusing socially as genderqueer. I don't want to hate my body, because at the moment I'm rather ambivalent about it, but I fear that if I think about it too much I will, and surgeries are expensive and extreme-sounding. Basically, I don't know what I'm doing. It's much easier to just let myself be female as expected, but then I have these thoughts, and I don't know.

Help?

[Guest wonderdillon]

I am in sort of the same situation. I have a decent female body and enjoy the compliments, however, I am not comfortable in it. There are times that I also don't feel comfortable during sexual encounters, even with my wife, because it draws attention to my female parts that make me so uncomfortable.

I hope we both find what we are looking for here. I believe I am a male in a woman's body. I just don't know if it's something I will ever want or need to come out with. I guess this is something you need to really learn about and evaluate yourself. Whatever the decision, we will be here to support you. If you ever need to chat, and vice versa, maybe we can chat privately!

Good Luck

-Dillon

[Guest Maggie_O]

How do you know? That's both simple and complex. Yours is a very familiar tale. Most of the people on this site have experienced variations of the things you describe at one time or the other; with MTF TG's having opposite feelings.

I could give you a simple, personal, opinion that from my box seat you definitely appear to be an Female-to-male transsexual. But wait! It's not that simple! Huh?

To better understand, listen carefully:

On a huge sheet of paper (real or virtual), take a Sharpie and draw a straight horizontal line three feet long. This is your base line.

On the extreme ends of the line, draw a solid circle a half inch in diameter. Those circles represent the gender identity(Gdent) extremes, one end female, the other end male.

Now, draw a one inch long line at the very center of your three foot line, perpendicular to the base line with about a half inch of this On each side of the base line. That hash mark represents a perfectly androgynous Gdent.

Now make more hash marks along the base line dividing each half into a thousand segments.

That line, with all of those marks, represents the degrees of tras Gdent one can halve. A continuum of nearly infinite degrees of male or femaleness.

You, and everyone else on earth, fits somewhere on one of those two thousand and three marks. In all likelihood your mark is past center towards the male end of the line, but not at the extreme end.

You are the only one who can ultimately decide exactly where you fit on that line. A really good therapist can help you to figure out where you'll fit.

To complicate things further, make a second base line below the first one and put similar marks all along this second line. Label this line "sexual preference". I'm sure you can calculate the purpose for that line.

All of our problems stem from almost no one on earth understanding those two simple concepts. Almost no one is at the extreme ends of either of those two lines. Most of us fall somewhere along the continuum. If you believe in statistical variation, which I do, then the majority of people are in the center third. I spent a great many years studying human behavior and that became more and more apparent as time went on.

The idea of being at the extreme ends of those lines is burned into our brains at a very early age. The inculcation continues throughout life, reinforced daily by the hoards that surround us. But the truth is that heterosexuality and monogamy are largely cultural constructs.

For me, one of the funniest things in the various treatments offered to us is the comical "real life test". That, itself, is an attempt to force us into the corners of the hetero cookie cutters and outfit us in hetero uniforms, the point of which is actually the establishment types using us as a tool to prove to themselves that the "real" world is entirely hetero just as they wish to believe. If they ever failed to prove that it would rock the underpinnings of their world. Make no mistake, we are waging war; a war for mental and emotional freedom.

Welcome to the trenches. Equip yourself with the therapist of your choice and join us in battle.

?

[Guest Oryx]

Thanks for your comments and support. I understand that its not a strict binary by any means, but the amount of variation is just making me feel a bit lost. I feel like sexuality is easier to figure out, because it's more accepted to try out different identities and see how they suit you, or at least it is around me. Not that that meant I didn't have several months of deep and agonizing soul-searching when I realized that I was attracted to women... So I guess I should take it slow and try to see if I can find where I fit in most comfortably. And maybe find a therapist? I hate to go to professionals unless I very firmly know what I want from them, and I don't think I'm there yet.

[JenniferB]

Hi Oryx and Welcome to Laura's Playground

To learn more about yourself the therapist is the way to go. However you need to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues. A gender therapist is a guide to help you find where you belong on the gender spectrum.

Good luck on your search.

Please read the terms and conditions found in the bottom right corner of nearly every page. They are specific to Laura's Playground and are followed closely. Laura's is a PG-13 site so it's safe for everybody.

Jenny