Transsexual? Still not sure....

[Guest Michelle Snow]

This will likely be very long, but reading it and giving me feedback would mean everything in the world to me. Let me give my analogy for how I feel and then give some history about how I've gotten to this level of confusion.

So the way I describe my gender confusion is kind of like this. Imagine you are walking in shallow water a long a beach. You can tell there is water there, but it doesn't really interrupt you walking. The walking is me just going through my every day life. The water is my desire to be a girl. Its pretty much always there, but its usually not very disruptive. Then every once and a while I get hit by a wave. Suddenly there's a lot of water, and I can't barely move until it passes.

This is exactly how I feel. I'm not sure if I'm bigender, because it definitely varies in intensity, but its not like I'm ever glad I'm a guy, I'm just more "okay" with it sometimes. When I'm in a wave though its like I'm obsessed and all I can think about is how happy I'd be if I was a girl. When I'm not in a wave, I hate the fact that I don't want to be a girl as much. I know that makes sense but I don't want to like being a guy really...

So, when I was little, I don't have a lot of memories of wanting to be a girl. I do remember liking shows like the Powerpuff Girls and Sailor Moon, but I would only watch them when I was taking a nap because I knew I wasn't supposed to. I had a sister who was 4 years younger than me, and I liked playing with her, but I guess I knew I was supposed to act like girls had "cooties" and that's what I did. I made an effort to real display that I was separating from what girls were supposed to like, even if I secretly did like them.

I specifically remember really liking certain episodes of shows that involved "feminizing" male characters. Specifically an episode of Fairly Oddparents where Timmy Turner becomes a girl, one of Pokemon where Ash Ketchum dresses as a girl to fight the plant gym leader, and one of Dexter's Lab where these girls force him to get a make over. I liked them before I had entered puberty, and I really wished something like that would happen to me. I do have to admit I also ended up being sexually aroused by stuff like this too =/ But I really don't feel like its just a fetish...

The first time I really remember realizing I wanted to be a girl, was when I was around 12 or 13 (still before puberty) and I started pretending to be a girl in chat rooms online. I couldn't explain why I liked it so much, but I loved the feeling. It was like a dopamine rush. I just felt totally euphoric doing it. So then I discovered there was such a thing as transsexuals and sex change surgery and that's the first time I thought "that's me."

But like I said above, it always comes in waves. Like right now I'm not in one, and I would still LOVE to be a girl, but I don't know that coming out as trans and going through all the hardship is worth it =(

Well I went through a long period of time where I did things like lie in bed and pray to be a girl, and listen to hypnosis files to make me feel like a girl. I even had another account on here some 5 years ago or so.

Things stayed pretty much the same until I was 20 years old and found a boy friend. I really started to come out with my sexuality and I started to think my desire to be a girl was just a result of my being gay. I don't believe that anymore, I think there is really something else going on.

My biggest thing stopping me from wanting to actually transition is my family. I came out as gay and my mom told me that it was worse than her father dying. If I had to come out as trans.... well I can't even really imagine it. I can't do it. Period.

The other thing that has bothered me is stuff that a lot of trans people say that I can't really relate to. Like, people say they feel like they've always been a girl. I want to be a girl so bad, but I don't know that I feel like I am one already. In fact when I get called by a girl's name or referred to as she online it feels good, but I also don't feel like they are talking about me, that just doesn't make sense. As much as I may hate it I am a guy.

Plus, I don't experience penis hate. Like I've talked to a lot of transgirls that just describe how they hate having a penis, and can't self gratification. I have masturbated a lot, it feels weird to me because I always imagine myself being penetrated (either as a guy or girl) but I mean at least it still feels good. I care more about looking like a girl and being perceived as one in public than what my junk looks like. It is worth noting I am pretty strictly bottom with my bf and like feeling like the submissive "girly" one... even though he is a lot more stereotypically gay than I am.

So I set up a counseling/therapy session on my university and the first meeting was remarkable. I may not have learned I was transsexual, but she at least convinced me these feelings I have are real, and I didn't just make them up.

Also, I can be very aroused by feminization or gender transformation stuff. However, does me be sexually aroused by it mean that it can only be a fetish and nothing more? I don't think it possibly can, because I REALLY do want to be a girl!

Well, I don't really expect anyone to say you are this or you are that, but I need some feedback. I want to know if these are normal feelings for trans people. I'm pretty certain I'm at least somewhere in the transgender umbrella. I just don't see how anything short of BEING a woman will make me feel better =/

Thanks for reading this novel of a post...

[JenniferB]

Yes, you will find your feelings are similar to others who post here. Maybe you are trans, maybe not. I'm not in the position to judge one way or the other. My recommendation is to find a gender therapist to help you sort through all this and find out where you belong on the gender spectrum.

I hope you can find where you belong. A good gender therapist should be able to help you find the peace you long for.

Good Luck on your search.

{{{Hugs)))

Jenny

[Guest Robin Winter]

I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you what you are or aren't, but I just wanted to mention that I went through periods very similar to what you describe. I came to realize that my lack of enthusiasm was really just me believing that I couldn't do anything about it. I was also very depressed, but I didn't associate the two at the time. Once I got it in my head that maybe it really was a possibility, I not only became more enthusiastic more consistently, but my depression also disappeared.

I'm not saying I think my experience can be applied to you, I just think you need to really do some soul searching. Jenny's advice was good advice. A gender therapist won't be able to tell you who you are, but they're usually pretty good at guiding you through the process of figuring it out yourself.

Best of luck

[Guest Michelle Snow]

Thanks for the feedback. The more I think about it, the more I think the only thing that holds me back from accepting it is the thought of losing my whole family, which I'm certain I would. Not only that, I feel I would lose my whole life, everything about me. My friends, everything. =(

[Carolyn Marie]

Michelle, the truth is that there is no "typical" story or way of feeling. One person's history, or feelings, doesn't negate anyone else's. Some of my story is similar to yours, for example. I did feel that I wanted to be a girl at an earlier age than you, but those feelings never completely went away. i crossed dressed but you didn't mention having done that.

But our stories correspond in other ways, as in the fact that I never had body dysphoria either, I became aroused early on by wearing women's clothes, and my feelings didn't depress me, and they never consumed my thinking. Not until very late in life. Then it all hit me at once, and I had to do something about it, despite my age, despite my family, despite everything. And here I am, 3 years later, living a woman's life.

What your path will end up being I can't say. You are certainly starting out on your path at a far earlier age, and that alone is a wonderful thing. A gender therapist will certainly help be your guide on this journey, and we here can help too. In regards to your family, all I can say is that nothing is certain, not rejection, and not acceptance. You should not, though, let fear rule your life and make your decisions for you. I feared too, and my fears were largely unfounded. People can and do surprise you.

Please keep asking your questions and letting us know how things are going. I am very interested in hearing of your progress.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Michelle Snow]

Michelle, the truth is that there is no "typical" story or way of feeling. One person's history, or feelings, doesn't negate anyone else's. Some of my story is similar to yours, for example. I did feel that I wanted to be a girl at an earlier age than you, but those feelings never completely went away. i crossed dressed but you didn't mention having done that.

But our stories correspond in other ways, as in the fact that I never had body dysphoria either, I became aroused early on by wearing women's clothes, and my feelings didn't depress me, and they never consumed my thinking. Not until very late in life. Then it all hit me at once, and I had to do something about it, despite my age, despite my family, despite everything. And here I am, 3 years later, living a woman's life.

What your path will end up being I can't say. You are certainly starting out on your path at a far earlier age, and that alone is a wonderful thing. A gender therapist will certainly help be your guide on this journey, and we here can help too. In regards to your family, all I can say is that nothing is certain, not rejection, and not acceptance. You should not, though, let fear rule your life and make your decisions for you. I feared too, and my fears were largely unfounded. People can and do surprise you.

Please keep asking your questions and letting us know how things are going. I am very interested in hearing of your progress.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Oh, I apologize, I forgot to mention that I actually did cross dress a bit in middle school right after I started pretending to be a girl in chat rooms. So I was likely around 13 when I started. I would just put on my mom's clothes when I was home alone. I both liked and disliked it. It made me feel really good, but not necessarily to wear the clothes. After all, there was no one there to see me in them. It was just a way of pretending I was a real girl. The clothes alone did nothing for me, and after I took them off I usually felt worse than I did before. It wasn't long before I got way too big to wear my mother's clothes and I haven't done much since.

My boy friend did help me pick out and try on some makeup. I have a picture I should upload of it in fact.

[Guest Lady Dana]

Well.... that's kinda of what I feel too..... sometimes I wanna be a girl and sometime I'm not sure I'm a girl its like going up and down.... I do imagine myself as a girl and do stuff and like ya I also started feeling this when I was 12 and 13 (This Year) too....so your not alone!

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

Not gonna lie, that was a good metaphor

What you said sounds alot like me though, I'm pretty much indifferent to what 'bottom' parts I have, I am more interested in being percieved as a girl. Just like you though, I don't exactly get depressed over it.

There are times where I will wish desperately to be a girl, and there are other where I couldn't care less. An interesting thing that I noticed (although I could be wrong) is that I seem to be more optimistic when I get caught in one of those waves.

I really hate when that feeling goes away... I remember when I was about 11 or 12 (the first time I remember having these feelings), I started trying to think of a way to castrate myself, and I didn't even know what castration was at the time O.o I thought that if I got rid of the things that made me a guy, that I wouldnt be ok with being one anymore... Pretty naive haha... I didn't do anything though, be it for better or for worse.

Judging from what the other people in this thread said, it would seem you aren't the only one who goes through something like that.

[Guest Enigmana]

I can definitely relate to a lot of what you describe. It really does feel like it comes in waves for me; sometimes small ones, sometimes much larger.

And I know EXACTLY what you mean when you saying that you don't want to be okay with being a guy. Feeling like I am a girl comes and goes, but wanting to be one is pretty much constant for me. I sometimes do feel a lot like a guy and I pretty much always feel horrible when I do. How masculine I feel and how depressed I am seem to be correlated. I wonder about whether HRT would get rid of or at least severely lessen these feelings, but I'm not quite at that point yet.

I also started to experience these feelings around the same time that you did, at least from what I can remember. I have some very vague memories that suggest it may have been earlier, but I don't remember enough to be sure. All in all, though, your story is remarkably similar to my own.

[Guest musicalice]

Yup me too Michelle I always worry about the times when my dysphoria isn't too bad. Try not to let that consume you - it led me in circles for months. I think it's fairly normal among us.

Personally, my most constant problem has been my downstairs region, but I didn't even always connect that with my gender issues, it was jist disgusting (it is connected now though, and it makes a lot more sense). But don't think for a moment that feeling differently about it means you are something else. Just as having some peculiar arrangement of flesh doesn't mean i am male, neither would a different arrangement mean i were female.

Hope this helps

[Guest leela_anima]

i too am in a similar boat... especially with the sexual-fetish aspect lol. self-discovery is such a fun and unique individual process. remember not to label or categorize yourself, there are infinite forms of expression and each is unique! i finally settled on declaring myself a 'lipsick-lesbian with a permanently attached strap-on' neither fully male or female, its who i am, lol!

[Guest Michelle Snow]

Wow, I'm sorry it took me so long to check this thread again. The comments you all posted are sooooooo amazing :3

I really feel like I'm at the start of another of those "waves" I mentioned. I'm feeling really really depressed too =( Not really because of that. I had another therapy session yesterday, and talking about my family situation just really made me realize how hopeless everything is. Even if I don't transition, they will never really accept that I like men. I've started listening to hypnosis again, but that never really helps. I'm just having a hard time seeing anything good about life right now.

I'm sorry for being such a Debby Downer. Your comments make me feel better knowing that others feel like me. I find myself wanting to cry all the time, but I've distanced myself from my emotions so much that I can't. My therapist wanted me to think about or write down what I would say to my parents if I talked to them again about being LGBT (its been over a year since we discussed it) =( If I write something out maybe I'll post it here, or somewhere else on the site. I don't really know where would be best for something like that.

Here's my question. Does anyone have any ideas for a way I could experiment with my gender without people at home noticing? A girl on another site was trying to convince me to get a manicure or trying wearing a bra or panties under my clothes. The manicure sounds amazing, but I'd be too embarrassed to go in as a guy I think =/ I just feel like I need a change now. I'm tired of waiting and never having things get better...

[Guest leela_anima]

well i'm not sure as to your age but... i'm in a similar situation as previously stated, so i, and quite a few other girls who have stated being in this situation, resorted to just moving out and being on our own. i'm not sure if your old enough hence the first statement but, sadly that's the clearest option in achieving our desires. we can't expect our families to understand and accept us, that would be nice, but it's unrealistic sadly... you on the other hand, have every single god given right to feel the way you do and express it thusly with out any negative feedback(in an ideal world), if your immediate family wont accept or understand you, respect their position but DO NOT waver in your position, it's your life not theirs, this is one area in your life where you are 'allowed' to be selfish, be true to yourself first, you'll be able to love yourself ergo able to love others, and you'll attract a family that will love you for who you are! maybe in time your genetic family will family will come around... if you're not in a position to move out, at least you can do something to prepare yourself, specifically saving up money! work or do biz or something, money is an important thing to learn how to handle for us girls!

this is all food for thought lol, not sure if any of it's useful to you haha! anyways...ahem...

to answer your stated question, there are little things you can do, the best way is to do things gradually, very slowly progressively so yer fam gets used to it slowly, that's how it works usually. you work on your eyebrows, remove all facial and body hair too(it feels fabulously femme!), mess with different hairstyles and grow it out longer, and slowly add 'androgynous' clothing to your wardrobe! my 2 cents...

[Guest DafneElise]

Michelle, I can really relate to your feelings. Great analogy. I, like you, have the "wave" of dysphoria about my body. For a very long time I thought I was unable to change anything, and just wished I had just been born a "real" girl (whatever that means). I don't hate my penis either...but I don't like it very much...I am ambivalent to it, and will be happy once it goes away (should I continue to full transition). We all have different stories, and you are not alone. Like Leela said, I'm not sure of your age or life situation, but I understand they have a huge influence on your decision... However, the decision really isn't if you are on the gender spectrum...it's more about what you plan to do about it. I have two recommendations.. 1) Find a Gender Therapist and really get your money's worth. It's ok to question and doubt...that's life..learning until we pass from this one onto the next. 2) This is about your question of some way to experiment...get out of town, or at least out of your house. If you have a trans friend, or even just with your boyfriend and/or a girl friend or two, get with them to hit a club, or mall. So far, this has been tremendously helpful to me. I get out of these mountains, and let Dafne have the reigns. Really, the more I let my true self be expressed, the more I understand about myself and squash those doubts and fears. As my parting word...again agreeing with Leela...the small, gradual things really add up to making you feel more like a woman. Good luck, and glad to meet you!

Dafne

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi Michelle,

I think that it is wonderful that you are exploring and reaching out. I do believe that the pieces will start coming together for you and that soon you will have a better idea about what feels right ...

Don't rush it ... enjoy the walk ... look out for WAVES but don't worry, we will all be here to help if you need a little life vest!

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Julie pg]

I love the water story it has me thinking in the sumer geting hit by the wave isnt as bad as the winter.i can relate about not being sure your story is sooo much like my own.for me waring pantys dose help most of tne day you never think of your undys but when you do and relize its a panty day its such a awsome warm sumer wave of happynes grab a board and enjoy it.

[Guest Jessica Stepford]

Hi, I am new to the group, and have FINALLY admitted 100% to myself that I may be a MTF trans. Counselling is booked for Jan. 31,and have connected to the local community which is a great feeling to not feel alone or like a freak.

I too have gone through periods of repressing/denial of my feelings thinking that maybe I am not trans, and just like to "dress". these periods could last days/weeks, or even months. Then....something triggers and the feelings and desire to be female are like a tidal wave and it is all I can think about.

Am hoping to go through with this even if it means transitioning and having to move and likely change careers as it would be difficult working in a macho environment.

Any advice or feedback would be appreciated, and must say in closing that I feel so much better recently having accepted myself, and connecting with the community here in Halifax NS Canada

Take Care,

Jessica

[Guest musicalice]

Michelle, I started with panties - you can wear them underneath your guy underwear and literally no-one would know. Also helps to practice tucking. You can also practice your voice (I wish I'd done more of that) and your handwriting, grow out your hair a bit (obviously try and do it slowly and discreetly). Practice makeup if you get time alone, but buy some remover FIRST and MAKE SURE IT WORKS. There's nothing like the thrill you get when someone gets home and you've got mascara on and no way to get it off!

Jessica, lovely to hear from you I can identify with many of the things you say. Posting here was a big step if you post a new topic about yourself in the introductions forum, you'll get some nice replies I know it's nerve wracking - believe me you have done great so far! I was scared stiff when I first came here. And there is no commitment to going fast. You go as slow as you need to.