48 year old wish fulfilled

[VickySGV]

I have been feeling down for a while, my dysphoria level seems to be trying to break an altitude record here for a few days. I had a family acceptance issue over the weekend where I was asked to NOT show up on Christmas as my full time self which was like pouring gasoline on a So. California brush fire. I have not resolved whether I will go there or not, but some of it will depend on how the dysphoria is burning in a week. I did check in with a therapist, and we talked long enough for him to know that I am not in danger of hurting myself or going back to alcohol abuse, we verified my full time status seems to be a very necessary step in my life and is going fine. Soooooo --

As I was getting up this morning, I had a flashback to when I was about 13 years old, and had really wished that I could have a long pony tail. I had been so bold as to look at the clip in ones in a wig shop near a bus stop I was at frequently for shopping trips. (The memory was of being so careful, I thought, to look like I was not looking). I had been so jealous of girls who got to wear them. The idea of putting one on back then was almost erotic. I would feel so good if I could buy and use one in public.

About half way through my shower, it hit me that I was now wearing my own hair in public, had just gotten it styled and colored and had gotten a nice extension piece in my new color. I was putting my hair into a pony tail to keep it out of my face while using power tools the other day. The only trouble was that my own PT is less than six inches long!!!

What is the best medicine for a girl who is feeling a bit down?? Shopping!!! For herself.!!!!

There is a wig shop fairly near me that I had never been to in boy mode, -- wait, I am full time female!! So I went in with my own hair in its short pony tail, and now have an extension of it that is down to my belt line. It feels as strange as I thought it would, and is reminding me that I have done something "super weird" for me as a 13 year old boy, but now I have my own permission to do that sort of thing and it feels so good. Today it is super good to do it. I was not scared to ask for what I wanted, and the salesgirl was great in helping me get a good color match, it took four tests to get the right color. The feel of it is an assurance of who and how I feel best, and the dysphoria is sitting back and chuckling at me vowing to hit my pocketbook again, but its being a little gentler on me for a bit. Its a bit of a milestone, and it reminded me of something I had forgotten. You can't put this dysphoria out forever, no matter how long ago it was ---- need I say more.

[Cyndee]

That's awesome Vicky ! Enjoy.

I have to say my pony now is the longest it's been in a long time, really dig that feeling on my back.

Good luck with family this Christmas I hope it goes well.

Cindy -

[Guest John Chiv]

Vicky,

I hope you get to spend Christmas with your family. I am 48 too and it feels great to fully be me. Good for you to be the woman you are, dress and wear your hair the way you want and shopping is good. We may shop for different stuff but I understand

John

[JJ]

It's so good and sweet when we make the old dreams come true and give to ourselves what was denied. For me it heals.

As a child I longed for a little navy suit with a vest, a white shirt and a red bow tie. That's one dream I don't think I'll make true since short pants and red bow ties just won't work for me at all now , but I do look forward to the day when my family and the community are ready for me in a 3 piece suit-they are slowly accepting but that would actually interfere with progress right now. Trouble is finding that suit cheaply enough to justify it because frankly I'm not really a suit guy and people don't wear them around here even to church so it'll be pure wish fulfillment and only worn a couple of times I fear. . My arms and legs are just too short for any I have found in the thrift stores .

Vicky, enjoy that hair! Nothing more sensual on a woman than long hair swinging as she walks.

Johnny