How Do I Tell Them? Or Do I?

[Guest x-Steph-x]

Hello. I am (obviously) an androgyne. I am also bisexual.

I have been struggling with gender identity for a while. I've been dressing as male (binding and all that good stuff as well). I've been dressing female. I've been dressing...well, neutral. Any way I identified, I felt good and true to myself. But I don't know how to tell my mom, dad, friends, people at school, etc.

People never took it okay when I went Gothic. My mom wasn't so happy, my dad gave a religious lecture, people at school called me a "Sweetie". My friends I currently have are Gothic. The people at school figured out I was bi, and let's just say they had a good laugh about it...and more.

So how do I tell everyone? At least anyone important to me? Should I come out at all? I mean, I still can be identified as female. I go to a Catholic school (with uniform codes), just another thing to put into consideration. I already told my boyfriend about it, he took it...not so well for the first few days, then he got used to the idea. I'm afraid others aren't going to be as forgiving.

First priority -- parents.

[Guest NickSister]

Ah, to tell or not to tell.

On one hand it would be lovely to get recognition for who you are. On another there is no guarantee that you will get that recognition by telling them.

It sounds like you are already living the way you want to live, apart from school you still dress the way you want to dress and act the way you want to act. In essence you are living it. My question is can you live without that recognition for awhile longer? I ask this because you are still at school, still living at your parents. Life is already difficult enough at 15 without those closest to you being hard on you for being you.

My feeling is that you should wait till you have left home and have established yourself as an independent. I don't think you have much to gain compared to the risks right now - you are vulnerable as you are still dependant on all these people. The way I see it life won't get any better if you tell them at this point in time. It won't allow you to be more free with how you dress or act, it won't make people act nicer towards you. Chances are all it will get you is grief from you mum, lectures from your dad, stick from the teachers at school, and more harassment by your fellow students. Catholics, being the conservative bunch, are not that cool with transgendered people. You can still be true to yourself without telling them. Also androgyne is not exactly something most people recognise as a valid gender, recognition is hard to come by.

Let us know what you decide and how it all goes. Best of luck.

xx

[Guest Kaimialana]

Hello. I am (obviously) an androgyne. I am also bisexual.

I have been struggling with gender identity for a while. I've been dressing as male (binding and all that good stuff as well). I've been dressing female. I've been dressing...well, neutral. Any way I identified, I felt good and true to myself. But I don't know how to tell my mom, dad, friends, people at school, etc.

People never took it okay when I went Gothic. My mom wasn't so happy, my dad gave a religious lecture, people at school called me a "Sweetie". My friends I currently have are Gothic. The people at school figured out I was bi, and let's just say they had a good laugh about it...and more.

So how do I tell everyone? At least anyone important to me? Should I come out at all? I mean, I still can be identified as female. I go to a Catholic school (with uniform codes), just another thing to put into consideration. I already told my boyfriend about it, he took it...not so well for the first few days, then he got used to the idea. I'm afraid others aren't going to be as forgiving.

First priority -- parents.

*sigh* Okay, here goes...

It sounds like you've come to terms with who you are. And it sounds like you are happy with the decision.

However, depending on your situation, coming out to your parents may not be a good idea right now. I don't want to scare you, but the truth is parents who are not accepting of you while you are still under their psychological and financial care can be terrible. I guess the first step would be to test their reactions on the subject of transgenders, seeking what their views are.

The way I feel about this personally, is that if they don't accept you for who you are, then they don't truly love you, they love what they think you should be. This does straw inhaler, but it also relieves you from any guilt you may have about this.

If their reaction to your probing is positive, probe some more. See how accepting they are. Then, consider telling them. If their reactions are negative, especially if they are really negative, then it is probably safest for you to keep that part of yourself from showing too much until you are independent. Androgyne is not something normally accepted by people as valid. More often we are seen as fetishists, even by other transgenders and transexuals.

So, the first step is, figure out your parents views on GLBT's. Then, figure out your actions from there.

Might be getting some hatemail about this....

[Guest NickSister]

I'm not sure I totally agree with you kaimialana. Sometimes people react badly simply through lack of understanding and familiarity. But I agree this is probably a good initial strategy to test the waters.

I don't think the whole love/acceptance thing is so simple. Often we react the most strongly to the people we love. No body can hurt you like the ones you love and love is probably never ever pure like the fairytails. I really don't think you have to accept who someone is to love them and you can love someone despite what they are. If someone did not love you then they would not care about what you are or do.

Not that I think anyone should feel guilty about someone else's opinion and reactions to you or that I condone a bad reaction. More that you should not be so quick to believe someone does not love you just because they don't accept something they did not know about you right away. Don't forget it could be a big surprise.

[Guest Kaimialana]

I'm not sure I totally agree with you kaimialana. Sometimes people react badly simply through lack of understanding and familiarity. But I agree this is probably a good initial strategy to test the waters.

I don't think the whole love/acceptance thing is so simple. Often we react the most strongly to the people we love. No body can hurt you like the ones you love and love is probably never ever pure like the fairytails. I really don't think you have to accept who someone is to love them and you can love someone despite what they are. If someone did not love you then they would not care about what you are or do.

Not that I think anyone should feel guilty about someone else's opinion and reactions to you or that I condone a bad reaction. More that you should not be so quick to believe someone does not love you just because they don't accept something they did not know about you right away. Don't forget it could be a big surprise.

There are obvious differences between a bad reaction and bigoted hatred. I'm of the staunch believe that you should never limit yourself because other people are uncomfortable with who you are, unless that limit is to protect yourself from harm. I also strongly believe that people often disguise selfish emotions as love, and that love is not some extrinsic value, caring for someone because they are what you want them to be, but an intrinsic value, caring for someone because of who they truly are. A loving statement is not "I just want you to be my daughter", a loving statement is "I will love you, son, daughter or both".

In truth, the whole original post is from personal experience, of knowing how a bad reaction and continued nonacceptance. from parents and family can throw your life into a very bad situation. Its about personal saftey, first and foremost. If you are in a place where you can depend on yourself or people who you know will accept you in case of this happening, where you are safe, then this precaution isn't as preciously necessary.

[Guest Jaimey]

I agree with everyone else. You should wait until you are independent. To be honest, if your father gave you a lecture just for being goth, he probably won't take the androgyne thing too well. Once you move out on your own, it will be a lot, well, not easier, really, but it will probably be better for you. In the end, it's all about whether or not you need them to know. If you do, then tell them when the time is right. In my situation, I feel like it's none of their business...but then again, I'm southern and that's just how we are. Consider all the possible outcomes, prepare yourself for them, and follow your instincts. You'll know when it's the right time.

[Zufrieden]

Hi x-Setph-x:

Parents are strange things. Kids are strange things. I've been both.

It's entirely possible that your folks despite having gone ballistic over your going goth would be accepting of your gender decision.

You probably consider your gender issues to be much more important than goth/not goth. Unfortunately, you've put yourself at a disadvantage from the point of view, "Well, she was goth last year and now she says she's an androgyne? Maybe next year she'll be into something else entirely. That kid can't make up her mind."

Of course, I don't know your situation. You've gotten a lot of advice from people to protect yourself. I can't argue with that. A lot of what we do with gender is to attain freedom. Don't underestimate the feeling of freedom and benefit to yourself from coming out to the important people around you.

Z.

[Guest Ryles_D]

I have this thing against coming out. "If [insert supposedly normal group here] don't have to, why should I?"

Um... if it comes up, don't hide it. If it doesn't come up, don't draw attention to it unless you want to.