Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

How Do I Tell Them? Or Do I?


Guest KyleMicheal

Recommended Posts

Guest x-Steph-x

Hello. I am (obviously) an androgyne. I am also bisexual.

I have been struggling with gender identity for a while. I've been dressing as male (binding and all that good stuff as well). I've been dressing female. I've been dressing...well, neutral. Any way I identified, I felt good and true to myself. But I don't know how to tell my mom, dad, friends, people at school, etc.

People never took it okay when I went Gothic. My mom wasn't so happy, my dad gave a religious lecture, people at school called me a "Sweetie". My friends I currently have are Gothic. The people at school figured out I was bi, and let's just say they had a good laugh about it...and more.

So how do I tell everyone? At least anyone important to me? Should I come out at all? I mean, I still can be identified as female. I go to a Catholic school (with uniform codes), just another thing to put into consideration. I already told my boyfriend about it, he took it...not so well for the first few days, then he got used to the idea. I'm afraid others aren't going to be as forgiving.

First priority -- parents.

Link to comment
Guest NickSister

Ah, to tell or not to tell.

On one hand it would be lovely to get recognition for who you are. On another there is no guarantee that you will get that recognition by telling them.

It sounds like you are already living the way you want to live, apart from school you still dress the way you want to dress and act the way you want to act. In essence you are living it. My question is can you live without that recognition for awhile longer? I ask this because you are still at school, still living at your parents. Life is already difficult enough at 15 without those closest to you being hard on you for being you.

My feeling is that you should wait till you have left home and have established yourself as an independent. I don't think you have much to gain compared to the risks right now - you are vulnerable as you are still dependant on all these people. The way I see it life won't get any better if you tell them at this point in time. It won't allow you to be more free with how you dress or act, it won't make people act nicer towards you. Chances are all it will get you is grief from you mum, lectures from your dad, stick from the teachers at school, and more harassment by your fellow students. Catholics, being the conservative bunch, are not that cool with transgendered people. You can still be true to yourself without telling them. Also androgyne is not exactly something most people recognise as a valid gender, recognition is hard to come by.

Let us know what you decide and how it all goes. Best of luck.

xx

Link to comment
Guest Kaimialana
Hello. I am (obviously) an androgyne. I am also bisexual.

I have been struggling with gender identity for a while. I've been dressing as male (binding and all that good stuff as well). I've been dressing female. I've been dressing...well, neutral. Any way I identified, I felt good and true to myself. But I don't know how to tell my mom, dad, friends, people at school, etc.

People never took it okay when I went Gothic. My mom wasn't so happy, my dad gave a religious lecture, people at school called me a "Sweetie". My friends I currently have are Gothic. The people at school figured out I was bi, and let's just say they had a good laugh about it...and more.

So how do I tell everyone? At least anyone important to me? Should I come out at all? I mean, I still can be identified as female. I go to a Catholic school (with uniform codes), just another thing to put into consideration. I already told my boyfriend about it, he took it...not so well for the first few days, then he got used to the idea. I'm afraid others aren't going to be as forgiving.

First priority -- parents.

*sigh* Okay, here goes...

It sounds like you've come to terms with who you are. And it sounds like you are happy with the decision.

However, depending on your situation, coming out to your parents may not be a good idea right now. I don't want to scare you, but the truth is parents who are not accepting of you while you are still under their psychological and financial care can be terrible. I guess the first step would be to test their reactions on the subject of transgenders, seeking what their views are.

The way I feel about this personally, is that if they don't accept you for who you are, then they don't truly love you, they love what they think you should be. This does straw inhaler, but it also relieves you from any guilt you may have about this.

If their reaction to your probing is positive, probe some more. See how accepting they are. Then, consider telling them. If their reactions are negative, especially if they are really negative, then it is probably safest for you to keep that part of yourself from showing too much until you are independent. Androgyne is not something normally accepted by people as valid. More often we are seen as fetishists, even by other transgenders and transexuals.

So, the first step is, figure out your parents views on GLBT's. Then, figure out your actions from there.

Might be getting some hatemail about this....

Link to comment
Guest NickSister

I'm not sure I totally agree with you kaimialana. Sometimes people react badly simply through lack of understanding and familiarity. But I agree this is probably a good initial strategy to test the waters.

I don't think the whole love/acceptance thing is so simple. Often we react the most strongly to the people we love. No body can hurt you like the ones you love and love is probably never ever pure like the fairytails. I really don't think you have to accept who someone is to love them and you can love someone despite what they are. If someone did not love you then they would not care about what you are or do.

Not that I think anyone should feel guilty about someone else's opinion and reactions to you or that I condone a bad reaction. More that you should not be so quick to believe someone does not love you just because they don't accept something they did not know about you right away. Don't forget it could be a big surprise.

Link to comment
Guest Kaimialana
I'm not sure I totally agree with you kaimialana. Sometimes people react badly simply through lack of understanding and familiarity. But I agree this is probably a good initial strategy to test the waters.

I don't think the whole love/acceptance thing is so simple. Often we react the most strongly to the people we love. No body can hurt you like the ones you love and love is probably never ever pure like the fairytails. I really don't think you have to accept who someone is to love them and you can love someone despite what they are. If someone did not love you then they would not care about what you are or do.

Not that I think anyone should feel guilty about someone else's opinion and reactions to you or that I condone a bad reaction. More that you should not be so quick to believe someone does not love you just because they don't accept something they did not know about you right away. Don't forget it could be a big surprise.

There are obvious differences between a bad reaction and bigoted hatred. I'm of the staunch believe that you should never limit yourself because other people are uncomfortable with who you are, unless that limit is to protect yourself from harm. I also strongly believe that people often disguise selfish emotions as love, and that love is not some extrinsic value, caring for someone because they are what you want them to be, but an intrinsic value, caring for someone because of who they truly are. A loving statement is not "I just want you to be my daughter", a loving statement is "I will love you, son, daughter or both".

In truth, the whole original post is from personal experience, of knowing how a bad reaction and continued nonacceptance. from parents and family can throw your life into a very bad situation. Its about personal saftey, first and foremost. If you are in a place where you can depend on yourself or people who you know will accept you in case of this happening, where you are safe, then this precaution isn't as preciously necessary.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

I agree with everyone else. You should wait until you are independent. To be honest, if your father gave you a lecture just for being goth, he probably won't take the androgyne thing too well. Once you move out on your own, it will be a lot, well, not easier, really, but it will probably be better for you. In the end, it's all about whether or not you need them to know. If you do, then tell them when the time is right. In my situation, I feel like it's none of their business...but then again, I'm southern and that's just how we are. :) Consider all the possible outcomes, prepare yourself for them, and follow your instincts. :) You'll know when it's the right time.

Link to comment

Hi x-Setph-x:

Parents are strange things. Kids are strange things. I've been both.

It's entirely possible that your folks despite having gone ballistic over your going goth would be accepting of your gender decision.

You probably consider your gender issues to be much more important than goth/not goth. Unfortunately, you've put yourself at a disadvantage from the point of view, "Well, she was goth last year and now she says she's an androgyne? Maybe next year she'll be into something else entirely. That kid can't make up her mind."

Of course, I don't know your situation. You've gotten a lot of advice from people to protect yourself. I can't argue with that. A lot of what we do with gender is to attain freedom. Don't underestimate the feeling of freedom and benefit to yourself from coming out to the important people around you.

Z.

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
Guest Ryles_D

I have this thing against coming out. "If [insert supposedly normal group here] don't have to, why should I?"

Um... if it comes up, don't hide it. If it doesn't come up, don't draw attention to it unless you want to.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 64 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • AllieJ
    • KathyLauren
    • Susie
    • KymmieL
    • VickySGV
    • MirandaB
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bobbijean
      Bobbijean
    2. Bryan
      Bryan
      (61 years old)
    3. jlw5ju
      jlw5ju
      (27 years old)
    4. ladykirabellum
      ladykirabellum
      (47 years old)
    5. Lizzie17
      Lizzie17
  • Posts

    • KymmieL
      I have a fantastic therapist. She is so caring she has helped me open up so much. Unfortunately, She is ending her internship. Do to a hiring freeze at the VA she isn't going just go right into a position there.  My Endo is out of the Denver VA hospital. I haven't talked with her in probably 2 yrs. I am  looking to transfer providers and get back to seeing a GYN at the Cheyenne VA. 
    • Ladypcnj
      Trump thinks he's the chosen one.. chosen to do what?   
    • Ladypcnj
    • Birdie
      Shopping at the mall today and helping out at Torrid I excused myself to the restroom. The manager told me the restroom at JC Penny was much closer (I normally use the family restroom in the food court).   Upon arrival I discovered that JC Penny doesn't have a family restroom, it's either or.   The men's room was occupied with customers, and me going in with large breasts, long hair, and makeup was going to cause a stir, so I opted for the woman's room instead. I was the only one in the woman's room.    Texas state law does state that your must use the restroom that matches your chromosomes, and it's a misdemeanor to not do so, but it seemed to be the best choice (I really needed to go!)  
    • Ashley0616
    • ClaireBloom
      My avatar is from a T-shirt that I am just dying to buy.  Maybe soon....
    • Lydia_R
      I had some guy grab my butt on the ship.  I don't know how "real" it was, but I did not enjoy that at all.  Also did not enjoy the hazing I saw other people going through.  One person can only do so much to stop that when there are 10 people doing it.
    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...