364 days.

[Guest musicalice]

A year ago tomorrow, my feelings came back. After four years. And I knew I had to get to the bottom of it. That night, everything changed.

When I was a teen, and crossdressing... the shame of it was vast. I didn't dare borrow clothes, not that they'd have fit. And I remember, quite starkly, thinking, "If anyone finds out, I will kill myself." My deepest darkest secret, shared with no-one except the cats, and then with some trepidation. What if cat-looks could tell? And if someone found out, reached into my soul and plucked my secret from within and showed the world, that would be it. Whether I'd've done it or not, i don't know. Thankfully, it never got to that point.

One year on, 34 people know my name and that secret. Every one of whom I entrusted with it under strict secrecy. At first. But then it became easier. And it became ok. For people to know.

Five years ago, it was unthinkable. One year ago, it became unbelievable. And within the space of one year .. I learnt to accept it, that dark part of me. She walked out of that deep shadow in my soul and into the light, and I knew. It took me more months to accept her. But that night, I went on laura's chatrooms for the first time, and for the first time ever, I told someone , via text, that I was crossdressed. I realised just after i hit enter how big that was.

Since then... I told a counsellor. Went to my GP for a referral. Became desperate, found a GT. I began telling my family my secret. I changed my handwriting, little by little, and let myself think, little by little. Baby steps. Now - the hair on my face is being erased by laser treatments. I dress freely inside, and sometimes outside the house, with family, friends and on my own. In a month's time, I will hopefully enter a new phase of that and begin to be me at university.

And that magic pill... the one i dreamed of... considered becoming a biologist to find... well... it morphed into a patch, and became words on a page, next to 'starter dose'.

The shame is still here, a little. Something that strong doesn't go away easily. But I have come so far. At my own pace, and yet here i am. At the start of something wonderful.

[Guest Krisina]

Alice it sounds like you are doing great. At your own pace unthinkable, unbelievable, possible.

I like your description of everything in your writing style too.

Krisina

[JJ]

Here is a HUG for someone who has had the kind of miraculous year I have.

Some days I am still almost afraid to open my eyes for fear it was all some wild and wonderful dream and I'll find I am still enmeshed in that nightmare that was strangling me so slowly yet relentlessly.

But I take a deep breath and go ahead and open my eyes....... and it is all gloriously, impossibly and miraculously true. Fun isn't it?

May the next year find us still with as much joy as we feel today but with the shames and fears a forgotten memory

And congratulations! Because it was your courage that made it happen

Johnny

[Guest Karen K]

Alice,

I am right there with you. 2 years ago I told my wife (she divorced me a year ago last Sept), 15 months ago I started HRT and began dressing at home and venturing putside (I began laser at that time), 14 months ago, I told my mom and older sister (both of whom accepted) 10 months ago, I told my younger sibling (neither accept me) I have told some neighbors as they see me quite often and they all have accepted. The amazing thing is, that when I'm out and about as my trueself, strangers don't seem to pay extraordinary attention to me, most don't even take a second look.

This coming year will bring tremendous advancements toward beung me. I will continue to gain experiences, switch to electrolosys to get the grey hairs. I will tell my Pastor this February, I pray he and the congragation will accept me. My Real Life Test/Experience will begin sometime mid year. I also plan for my legal name change and possibly FFS later this coming year.

I applaud your success. Baby steps indeed, soon they will turn into a complete transition.

Happy New year,

Laura Jane

[Guest John Chiv]

Congratulations Alice on where you are now. And wishing you another wonderful year.

John

[Guest musicalice]

Thank you all