Doubts

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I have around 40 years of trying to figure out how a man is supposed to think about something. I dont know if I was thinking as a female or just as me. I just read another thread and it dawned on me at the end I THINK I read it as a female. I am one confused person. I know I should wait till thursday when I have my first session with the therapist, but this sight is my only outlet. I dont have anybody to talk to. Are the female thoughts in there and I just have to break conditioning? Am I really female or am I fooling myself? I want to believe I am, but have been fighting the thoughts for so many years I dont know what to think. I feel like I am just pretending, and I dont want to feel that way. I feel like my whole life I have been pretending. I dont necessarily have to have an answer, I just needed to say it.

Please someone tell me if I shouldnt rattle on, I just need to vent and have no where else to do it. I dont want to be a bother. I would get into chat but cant download java.

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Rattle on, Hon.......

I think that you've seen, since your time here, that we talk, help, support and , most importantly....care!

Just because your therapist appointment isn't for a few days....it doesn't mean that you can't talk about how you're feeling....

And, I know what thread you're talking about....it was my thread about the fortune cookie....

Break conditioning?: Heck yeah....I'm no spring chicken and I had many, many years living as a male and being socialized and conditioned as one, too....I'm 62...

But, I made it work and I live full time as a woman now (just transitioned the last three years) and I'm so very happy with my life.

The therapist is going to help you help yourself....Once you gather your thoughts and think about it all, you'll know what you need to do...

And, not everyone needs to transition all the way (I do) but many stop short of transitioning and find other ways to be comfortable....

Hang around here, hon......we'll listen...

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS!

Dee Jay

[Guest]

Hi Amanda,

Ain't Dee Jay sweet? She does say all the right things.

Hang in there, honey! The first GT appointment is usually the therapist asking questions, and you get to spill your life story. It's a big relief just to get it all off your chest! So, don't worry - it will all work out.

Can't wait to hear how it goes!

Love, Megan

[JJ]

Dobts-and wanting to deny-so natural.

In fact as I was stomping around through the woods today I suddenly thought-"Have I really done this? What was I Thinking? I'll never be normal again!"

Then I saw my man's shadow and I just grinned and realized I sure did do it. It was the right choice and I am at peace and I never was normal. I'm not pretending bow-I was pretending before -I am being me now.

But for a minute there it still swept over me. As it has now and then for almost a year. But it lasts a shorter and shorter time and the realization of who I am and what has happened and is happening to me brings a big grin. Every time.

Your GT isn't necessary to tell you that you are trans. Only you can do that. They will be your guide is all and you will belong here as long as you want and can post your feelings. You will be welcome here regardless of what stage in your journey you are or even if you decide not to make the trip.

Johnny

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thank you Donna! I need hugs. I also dont understand how this has dropped on me like a ton of bricks lately. I have had the thoughts and desires to some varying degree. They come and go, never completely but they go. This time, when I started having the thoughts again I started looking around the internet and found a website that centers around experiences. I dont think it is necessarily the best website because it is full of "admirers", but I started asking some questions of some post-op females, and the feeling started building more. While searching for a therapist, I found this sight. Now, as you can see, I spend every minute I can on it. Trying to figure things out. However, the whole time the thoughts are building and filling my head to distraction. I have never had them this bad. Am I doing it to myself or is it my minds way of saying it is time?

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thank you Megan and JJ! My wife, who knows I am going to the counselor for depresion and I am very depressed, even said the counselor isnt a magic pill. When I started to come out to my wife the other day, I barely was able to stop myself when I saw the fear and tears buidling up in her eyes. I got started and it didnt want to stop. The counselor is going to have to chase me out with a broom when the end of our time gets there.

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Honey, Honey, Honey......

Let me give you a little something.....

For me...growing up in the "old days" we didn't have internet and there was very little available about Trans anything.....

So, naturally I thought I was perverted or mentally ill for the things that I felt....

But.....I thought I coulod handle it and tried to put it out of my mind.....I did lots and lots of macho (read "stupid") things....

Got hurt a lot and put myself in very dangerous situations....

It barely helped and the feelings kept coming back...stronger and stronger each time....

In 2008 I was crying myself to sleep most nights because I knew that it had overwhelmed me and I was against a wall....

Would it be my trusty 9mm, or transition.......

I could tell you that I was scared, but, that was nowhere near what I felt......It was BLACK!

So, I called a therapist.........

TA-DA!

Dee Jay

[Guest Nicole163]

Hi Amanda!

You have such amazing support in this thread, they carried me through some rough patches too! But I think everything you're saying is you going through the hoops in your head like most of us do. In fact, minus the extra years you have on me (I'm 29 soon to be 30) its almost Deja-Vu. I think where you are now is sort of once you open pandora's box its very difficult to stop the built up, and repressed feelings you've had for so many years. I came out of denial with a gun to my head, much like DeeJay describes...life, or death. But I can tell you, when you set that bag of bricks down...and figure out where you're going to go with this, its worth it in so many ways. Keep talking to everyone here, it does you ALOT of good. Especially having people here who are older than you are, and can really show you its NEVER too late to be true to yourself.

Best wishes to you and I'm here along with everyone else...

<3

Nikki

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I cant imagine loosing my whole life. I dont think it will go over good with my parents or family. I think her parents will think I am a joke. My coworkers are homophobes, I have heard them talk. I know thatI am alone up here in Delaware, and have no one to turn to if it goes badly with my wife. I am terified. Of course then the answer should be dont do it or put it off. Except I was getting to a dangerous level of depression and now it is all I can think about.

I know that there are laws and i work for the federal government so I think I am extra protected and that will help but it wont fix everything with them.

I really sound sad to myself. And now I am fighting the urge to appogize again, but I really think this will end it. I feel a lot better. I just needed to get that off my chest.

Wow, I cant believe how much better I feel. Thanx.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thank you guys. That helps a lot. For some reason, I had the impression yall were so sure of yourselves that you were women when you started this. I so want to be and keep searching for a feeling that I am a woman and I do feel like I am but what does that mean? What does it feel like to be a woman? I guess that is part of the quest.

[Guest Nicole163]

For me, it was...well...started when I was 4-5 I would dress in my mother's clothes (hiding it from both of my parents)...I pretty much led a double life one in private, and one for everyone else my entire life. I was raised in a conservative south out in the country and something like this would have been shunned seriously, so I become very talented at hiding it, and successfully hid it from everyone until I think I came out of denial. But looking back in retrospect, I mean ALL THE SIGNS I should have seen it...the worst part about it is that i frequented gay clubs and everything as a teenager to my early 20's...Even had a few friends tell me "You're a woman trapped in a guy's body!" But none of it sank in, part of me wanted to hear it...but I was blind to it and simply refused to hear it from ANYONE...even myself. But, I would still feminize in private and to be honest, I was under the illusion was just a very enfeminate homosexual, I only knew transsexuality as a porno fetish of sorts and it just stayed off my radar as something I could identify with. I kept ALOT of gay friends and girl-friends, never could relate to other guys about anything unless we were working on something, or we were talking about something as trivial as the weather, and then I think I even sucked at that.

This isn't everything but its just bits and pieces, the only other thing I would mention is...and this is still certainly under study is the utero development theory (which from my own life I can stand witness to be true). The idea behind it is the gender map within the brain goes in the opposite direction to the developing fetus...I'm only mentioning this because on that theory many suggest there is a naturally occurring hormone in balance within the brain (my doctor also supports this theory) and lets just say a brain with a predisposition for 1 sex will experience all the mental symptoms of a hormone imbalance, running at the typical hormone levels of their assigned sex. Once I hit puberty, I began having severe anxiety attacks and depression and it became life altering, I began fearing walking into certain places, certain patterns on walls and floors...because it would induce an anxiety attack (in many ways I think people feed this unknowingly by allowing yourself to become afraid of it). It was a terrible way to live and I knew from my early teens there was something SERIOUSLY wrong with me...I remember telling myself it had to be a hormone imbalance of some sort at around 13 or 14 but kept it secret, for fear of being rediculed, I would have explainable meltdowns from the sheer stress of this...my mother would ask me whats wrong, and I would just remain silent. I didn't know what was wrong with me...I just knew how I felt, and what I was experiencing, but was too scared to talk about it.

Anyway where I'm going with all this is, since I began HRT last Febuary...I haven't had a single panic attack or any depression related to myself like before I like to say that nasty inward depression we have prior to transition. I only feel sadness for the relationships I've lost to be happy with myself, and its worth it. You can be unhappy making everyone else happy, or you can be happy with yourself and make those around you happy as well...its bittersweet...double edged sword...catch 22, so many names.

I hope this helped to some degree I know I'm thinking about other things, many things actually I could add but...if I did that I should just start typing up a biography or something hehe.

<3 Nikki

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi Amanda .. this is a very safe place to explore ideas ... and VENT! Questioning is good .... don't be afraid to question, doubt, challenge, evaluate, re-evaluate etc. etc. This is a safe place to look at gender from every perspective.

You are very respectful ... I think that this is the only request ... that we make an effort treat each other ( and our selves) with respect.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Well, even if this journey doesnt take me to transgender, though I cant imagine staying the way I am, it has opened my eyes to this whole segment of the poplutation. I was raised in the south where in my area all the boys my age made all the usual rude comments. I said them to about anything different: race, religion, sexual orientation, what sex a person should be (of course those two I didnt seperate, and thought they were interrelated until I discovered this site), any thing different. I always felt bad about doing it but I didnt want to be picked on any more than I already was. The only thing I couldnt fake was I am a cryer, so I learned to work really hard to not be in a place where I need to cry. In my high school years, I stopped. I found friends in high school that didnt pick on people, so I hung out with them instead. But I didnt really understand, I still thought other people were different. I started making true african-american friends and had a major crush on an Indian (yes, parents from India) girl. She would talk to me and send my head spinning. I wasnt brave enough to ask her out though, I didnt want to upset my parents. I even had discusions with my African-American friends when they told me that their cousin liked me. I was blatantly truthfull and told them I couldnt alienate my family like that.

This whole time I couldnt truely fit in. The male world was one where I felt like I was acting and had to think about anything I did to make sure it wouldnt come across "sissy". I also couldnt fit in with the girls, boys didnt do that. So through my school years I worked really hard to supress these feelings. I still didnt think I WAS a girl, just regretted I wasnt born as a girl. If I had been attracted to boys, I might have actually let it cross my mind. I just didnt understand why a boy who was not gay would want to be a girl. I think I am repeating myself but like I said putting this on "paper" helps.

Many years, 2 therapists, and many bouts of depression later here I am. My first therapist was a miltiary therapist, and while she made me believe I could tell her anything and the Navy wouldnt find out, she kept asking questions about me and my wife's sex life. The second kept asking questions about my childhood and kept pointing out that every issue I had stemmed from the way I was raised. My feminine thoughts and actions was because my dad was rarely home and I was raised by my mom and sister.

When I was talking to my wife the other night, I was telling her that through my life I had wished I had been born a girl. Well, before that part we talked about our love for each other and I told her I was not attracted to men. The conversation was a long one so I didnt say it that bluntly. So after that she several questions, made the comment that maybe I had GID, and then immediately told me I didnt because my body doesnt disgust (I figured it out I had been misspelling that word) me. We talked some more and she implied that I could cross dress and told me I could go to "gay" bars to get the conversation like a female. Of course that isnt what I need. I also asked her if she would help me dress and she said no and she would never go out with me in "drag", she wouldnt deal with me but if that is what I need I could do it. However, if I cant share my true self with the love of my life, it was pointless doing it. Especially if I thought she would think less of me after that.

This brings me to another thought. So many thoughts, when I start writing I know where I think it is going to go but other thoughts replace my original thoughts and it goes somewhere else. Also, I am going to talk to my GT about this but, I am going to be true to myself from here on out. However, just because I am going to be true, doesnt mean I am going to tell everyone right away, I am just going to be true to MYSELF. IF this goes to a full GID diagnosis and I am going to do what I need to do to be a happy person. I have been trying to balance my happiness with my "responsibility" to my family. Well I am doing them an injustice, I think. If I am going to be depressed all the time then how am I helping them. I dont know how my kids will react. I like to think they will be ok with it eventually, or maybe relatively right away, I dont know. A big part of that will be how my wife reacts. She said after I went to counseling, she would support whatever I need to do. However, after 17 years of marriage, I know she says stuff then doesnt follow through. I know she looks for the faults in everyone. I know she is constatly talking about her sisters and very seldom says anything good about them. She has issues of her own and a very bad past.

Well I guess this rambling story is over for now. I ran out of steam. Once again thanx for listening and I LOVE you guys.

[Guest Nicole163]

Amanda,

Not sure why but I keep wanting to call you Mandy (in endearment)for short lol, sort of how I go by Nikki but its technically Nicole...

I read through your story, a few things I left out that was the case for me was...like when I was young I would dream of being a beautiful woman while in bed at night and everyone was sleeping...I should note there was nothing sexual in nature about it (I was around...7-10 years old at the time pre-puberty)...coupled with a lot of the other things I mentioned. I really don't think there is a way to describe "feeling female" just that you feel that way yourself. It sort of like asking any Cisgender/GG how they felt they knew they were female, they probably would say all the stereotypical answers you find out there..."Oh I liked barbies and pink stuff." A product of society and marketing under the guise of what you "should" like, and not what you do like. For someone with a perfect gender alignment, it tends to work perfectly...and I don't think most people are even aware of their gender identity working within themselves as they experience life unless they understand just what it is...ponder those feelings and really dig deep within themselves. I suppose its similar to how feminists explain the very essence of feminity(with the exception of some radical ones, however). For those with a misalignment, its painfully obvious through our lives to run counter to who we are and its reflected in many ways largely dependent upon...

1. Yourself, how you handle situations...you make the choice whether to deal with this or let it be known at any age.

2. Your family...for most people, this is the most important one as stands most people know how their family stands on these issues and can accurately predict what repercussions will occur if this is revealed.

3. Your home community, people in extremely conservative communities will simply not come out due to school, work, neighbors, church affiliation etc. Choosing to move entirely and start over.

4. Your Country's society at large, liberal societies typically have more support and acceptance structured within the governments framework...and also keep someone with this condition woven into the fabric of their social climate (this varies largely by country, they are all not like this).

This is why everyone's experience with this is unique, some people come out sooner than others, in part...you're discovery with yourself will happen in your lifetime...(and I will kick myself for this but...)your doctor was partially right, it is in how you are raised and where. Take myself for example, I KNEW there was something about me...but due to the elements described above, I stayed in denial for...24...25 years? Possibly longer if there were awareness of the condition and have it identified earlier on (I'm dreaming here...).

Because I believe the utero theory, I can't deny that the brains in people can be masculine in various degree which by this theory results in people who do feel more "gender fluid". This might be something else you can look into? Talk with others about their experiences, always remember not to be eager to identify with a group but to do just what you are doing, self reflection...ask yourself honestly. Do "I" really feel that way? Did "I" have any red flags in my life that would warrant making a life changing decision to pursue happiness? Am "I" really that unhappy right now? What would it take for ME to be happy? Your partner will suffer to some varying degree, either way. That isn't to sound insensitive as I have been through that as well when i came out...depending on the path that is right for you, they may mourn you. My S/O used to say, its like who I was before died...

But thats not the end of the story, and its certainly not a sad story as things have worked out since those times. Time, communication, and the most important one...Honesty, without the foundation of absolute honesty from this point on. Your fears of your spouses reaction are all but certain. No relationship can survive without honesty.

Talk more later!

<3

Nikki

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Nikki, please do call me Mandy. That is why I chose the name. I am glad I did ramble because all of yall seemed so sure of yourselves that I thought it was odd for me to be unsure. I just want to be happy, I guess we all do. I am not trying to make a point, stand on a soap box, or embarass anybody; just be happy. (That is part of my practiced speach to my love ones. It just came out and I didnt mean for it to be directed at you. I am flighty when it comes to putting out thoughts. It popped in my head so it got transferred to paper. ) I love your posts and they really help.

Huggss,

Mandy

[Guest Nicole163]

Hi Mandy!

I didn't feel like anything you said was pointed, what you're going through is completely natural. i suppose I can come off rather blunt and straightforward posting ideas at times and if I did, my apologies! Always keep in mind, these are my own opinions and may differ with what you or others feel or think completely...I'm very much a free thinker. I tend to...speculate a lot. Especially since I'm studying Psychology as well. I think what you are going through right now is something we've all experienced in some form or another and the concerns you have are well placed. I think its probably rare for people who are trans to be 100% sure of their gender identity at a young age in western society and many others as well, it happens though probably with less frequency than being a bit older and coming out. It hits some of us earlier than others and how we choose to act on it is based within our environment and our innate predisposition to declare such a thing...self survival mechanisms and things like that keep us closeted. There are as many different situations on this as there are stars in the sky.

What other experiences in your life made you sense this? Just curious, often times people will experience something that sort of starts the cascade of emotions they've bottled up, other times its just the sheer weight of keeping it locked up and its sort of like poking a water balloon with a needle...just 1 final thing sets off a firestorm of emotions that once released are impossible to hold back. The reason I ask is because I had my...awakening? About 15 months ago, been on HRT for 11 months and I'm STILL remembering things from my childhood and adolescence i had locked away, just experiences and memories that i apparently buried deep to hide this from myself. I will be reading something that will trigger a memory and I'm like "OMG! YES!" or something to that effect. I was reading in a FTM forum where they were describing even using paper to "pack" down there, and it popped into my head, that as a young child I played games like that too! I remembered using newspaper and stuff crumbled up, to give me boobs lol...I had long forgot about that even after "waking up" and coming out and starting transition....

You'd be suprised whats still locked in "The black box".

<3

Nikki

[Guest Robin Winter]

Yeah...I used to do that sort of thing a lot. I can't even count how many times I used to stick a balloon under my shirt and pretend I was pregnant. I did that throughout my childhood. I hadn't thought about that until now. It's amazing how easy it is to forget these things.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

First thing, Nicole I am sorry about my earlier post. I thought I might be messing up by posting my speach but it popped in my head so I went with it. I tried to say it really wasnt directed at you but I guess I failed. Sorry.

As far as things going on to let me know now what I should have known then was:

I always remember wanting to be pretty and wear pretty things. Everything boy was just too plain. For a little while a friend of the family would paint my nails when she baby sat me and I loved it, until that one time when people came home early and she didnt remember my nails were painted. I got picked on big time and ran out of the room crying.

The one set of panties I wore in early teens. When I wore them it was never anything sexual, it was just a relief. Like I am doing something I was supposed to be doing. That leads on to throughout all my teen years I always liked what the girls were wearing and imagined wearing it. Never did anything though. Oh, as you said things will jog memory. When I stayed over at my cousins, I would go in their bathroom where my aunt had a walk-in closet. I would clumsily put make up on and wear a wig she had in the closet and just stare at myself in the mirror.

For several years nothing happened until I lived with a friend and his wife. I think I told this story but I dressed onetime completely in her clothes and went out. I put a rain coat over it because I wasnt that brave (military hair cut and all). After that I bought a pair of panties and wore them whenever I could. Once again just a relief feeling.

Up until this day still do. Before when things would start getting bad mentally, wearing them helps.

All through my life I never liked being around boys. They were just different. I could never relate with them or their wanting to be rambunctious or rude. I liked being around girls and sitting and talking. People always said I was much more mature than an average boy my age.

Oh yeah, I was a baby sitter all through my teens for two daughters of a friends of my mothers. I had forgotten about that and would wear the play jewelry and play whatever games they wanted. AND I loved it. Most of my childhood I would spend my weekends and most of my summer with my grandmother and loved watching the "Stories". Except for the fact now I see the bad acting, redundancy, and corny plot lines, I still love that type of show.

I joined the military but from the begining I had problems. I barely got out of boot camp without balling. Tears did roll several times and several times I hyperventilated when getting yelled at. I hated arguing with people, I would start crying from the frustration. I never was able to be forcefull with people. Just couldnt bring myself to be intimidating, dont have it in me.

I cry at sad movies and shows AND at happy movies and shows. In my marriage I like doing the domestic chores and my wife takes care of the money. She basically "wears the pants" in the family. Disaplining the children, planning our social life etc. At any get together, I always prefer to sit with the women then the men. Their conversations were a lot more interesting. I have fonder memories from some of the "Navy wives" then their husbands that I served with.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Mandy,

I understand what you're going through. It's been like a roller-coaster my entire life, since I was 6. I've yet to find that elusive male quality called "masculinity", despite trying hard. And questioning if it's just self-deception? Yeah, despite the fact that my breasts have ached, and I've had an itch I can't scratch since puberty. Despite the fact my body seems to have a mind of it's own, and I want to cry and/or puke half the time. Push it away, try to bury it, turn away from it, whatever, etc...and it comes back with a vengence next time.

I echo what Dee Jay said, in that regard...did lot's of "macho" stuff, and it does'nt go away, it only makes it worse. And one day, I knew there were only 2 choices left, too.

I have yet to meet a TS who has not endured much loss. At the first TS support group meeting I went to, one of the ladies warned me: "Prepare to loose everything", and she was not exagerating.

I constantly struggle with "Why does it have to be this way?". I wish there were something I could say to help you sort things out and feel better. I wish you all the best.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Thanx Gina, just going through a feeling guilty faze you know.

[Guest Nicole163]

Well Mandy,

I do have to say, from what you said in the post above...it certainly seems like you have a conflict of sorts. I can't wait to hear how your GT visit goes. I think you've come a long way even since getting on the site here. You have to feel better having got all that off your chest, from the stuff you put in this thread alone! You're safe here and among people who do understand what you're going through and you can rest easier knowing you're not alone in this at all, to say the very least.

Hope to hear more from you as time goes on!

Nikki

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I luv you guys Nikki. Thank you very much. While chatting with Eliza, I remembered another story from my childhood. I have never looked back at it with this lense before but now I can. For several years I spent as much time as possible at my Mamaw's and while there I pretty much lived as a girl. Not in clothing but in deed. While there I would help her cook, clean sew, and watch soap operas and loved every minute of it. I also giggled and cried as much as I wanted with no self-consciousness. Mamaw never said anything and I dont know if she thought it was odd for a boy to want to act like that. Now I am going to cry again. I so miss her.