Afraid to go to meetings

[Guest hoofie85]

Hey y'all,

I'm Alexander and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for two and a half years, and recently realized I'm trans. This is a good thing, however, it's stopped me from going to meetings. I used to call a lesbian meeting my home group, and some of the women want me to come back (they seem to see me as a man, but still want me to come back to that meeting because I guess they like me ). I want to go because I like the meeting, and feel mostly accepted there, I just am afraid because I don't pass. I'm afraid of newcomers being uncomfortable going to what they perceive as a lesbian meeting, and there being a trans man there (if I disclose in a share). I also am leery of going to other meetings because the last time I went to an LGBT meeting here in town, I was talking to a guy who said, "Do you know about the great women's meeting here on Saturdays?" assuming I'm female. Gah.

I'm kind of dabbling in starting a trans related AA website and forum/newsgroup thing, and I am involved in a trans AA email group. I just need to get out to more face to face meetings. Any advice?

Side note: I'm not comfortable correcting people when they use female pronouns or ask me if I know about women's meetings. My sponsor is a trans woman, who is awesome, and I'm working the steps with her, but I know I still need meetings.

[Michelle 2010]

Interesting question Alexander. TG stuff can sure be complicated.

My thoughts... First-congratulations on 2.5 years sober. Now... I've been to a lot of AA meetings and i've known transmen through my support group. Not being lesbian I can only conjecture on how they would respond. Heres the thing, if you don't present male and are not on T, I doubt newly sober lesbians are going to care what your gender marker is. If you were masculine and had a beard it would be different. Therefore...As a person who's been to a lot of meetings, i would just go. If it becomes an issue deal with it then. /as alcoholics we can overcomplicate the heck out of things. Keep it simple, just go. Problem arises, move on. Your being there won't jeopardize anyones sobriety.

Oh! and welcome to the forum/ We have a chat recovery meeting Sundays 9pm est. Please stop by.

Michelle

[Guest hoofie85]

Hey Michelle! The thing is, I am on T (only about 4.5 months though) and do attempt to present as male... it just doesn't work. Most people think I'm a butch lesbian. You're right though, we do overcomplicate things. Thanks for the advice.

[VickySGV]

On the subject of overcomplicating things, there was an MD who had realized that his drinking was caused by the stress of his proctology medical practice, so he decided to become and auto mechanic, and with the approval, but confusion of his sponsor found a good mechanics school to go to while working his program. The doctor kept his program up and was doing fine with his sobriety and his auto mechanics studies up until the day of the final exam. The exam was worth 100 points total. He accurately diagnosed a problem in the carburetor, another in the crank case, and a third involving the electircal system, and fixed them all just fine. When he got his score on the exam back, he found out that he had scored 200 points on the test. Well honesty being a part of his program, he went to the instructor and told him about the over score, but the instructor told him the score was real!! How could that be? The instructor told him he had perfectly fixed every problem, and had fixed them all through the tailpipe of the car.

(OK someone had to give me the opening for that one!!!)

Welcome, and as MIchelle invited, come and chat with us on Sunday Nights at 9pm Eastern time. As Michelle told you, unless you look like one of the Smith Brothers of cough drop infamy, you should not be messing with the minds of any women at a womens only meeting, Lesbian or Straight and interrupting their concentration on new sobriety. It will take a while for the T to kick in, and for the T to make a real difference in your recovery for just now that you would need to bring it up to a group. When I need to qualifiy myself for a discussion now, or the one time recently that I have been asked to lead a meeting, I found that my gender did not matter, only the experience and its lessons. Except for one person, no one knew I was trans that day, and the person who knew about before and after agreed that I had not screwed up the system to where anyone would be harmed. Alcohol messes with womens voices too, so no problem for me that way. If your sponsor is cool with you as you described, you are in good shape and for now are where you belong. Being trans does add to our overcomplication and overthinking of things. We need to perfect ourselves in realizing we can't be perfect, and that the program goals are beyond our reach, but are beacons to steer by when we are having problems, by help with our HP, we can get close, but our HP links us to their perfection. (OK the soapbox just splintered and dumped me on my lower power. Ouch!) Again, Welcome.

Its 3 years + on my second trip up the steps, the first trip was about 16 years, but I did not deal with my trans issues then. You have that going for you.

[Guest hoofie85]

LOL I like your joke Vicky! Thank you too for the advice. I have the chat on my calendar, I'll probably head over when it's time.