My First Androgyne Memory

[Guest weather_rhythm]

this is kind of my introductory post, but the intro forum is oh so generic and this thread's topic sparked my interest.

needless to say, until very recently, i identified solely as a straight female SO of an androgyne who is also posting around these here forums. but this question (sparked by a conversation with my lovely lover) led me to a great deal of revelations about androgynous thoughts in my youth. i suppose i still am in my youth, being only 26, but i feel wisened by the last few years of life experience... which translates roughly to i felt really really alone and got to be ok with myself even though i still didn't feel like i really knew everything about myself. but self-acceptance is really huge for me. not hating myself was a big step forward from being severely depressed, over-eating, over-drinking, over-smoking, over-analyzing every aspect of myself and finding nothing of value. but i digress.

my first androgynous thought came to me when i was about 4 or 5. i remember wanting to stand up to pee like my dad and brother did (both much older than me). i didn't think about how it wasn't logical for a person with female parts to stand while peeing. all i knew was that i wanted to try it and went about finding a solution. i knew that the shorts i was wearing would not work for this experiment, nor would my underwear (oh how i wanted boxers!). So i deduced that a tshirt would work best. i slipped my legs into the arms of the shirt, the neck being where i would pee out of, and only when the problem of how to keep the shirt from falling down arose did my parents walk in to the room and ask, "what are you doing?" mortified, i stammered, "i dunno," and ran into another room to change. i never attempted this again.

then of course there was the time where i told my mom i wanted to be a boy "because they are so cool and get to do all the fun stuff" (my best friend was a boy and i was a huge tomboy) and she said "but don't you want to have babies?" the answer to this day is still a resounding "yes."

i am continually trudging through my inventory, taking stock of what all this does or doesn't mean. at least i have a supportive SO who is going through the same thing only as a cis-male (i am cis-female) coming to terms with his androgyny. i don't have to tell you folks (i have been reading the forums for a few weeks now) that this is an incredible thing to share with someone you love. and aside from him, i haven't shared this with anyone else. thank you,

-k

[Guest Micha]

Hey, tha's a great way to put it, taking inventory.

So what does it mean? I've been asked something along the lines of why androgyny? Why not just be a feminine man? Why the label that opens you up to antagonism? Then my answer was moer or less I needed more, in order to understand myself better, I needed something with more quality than "girly-man." Not to mention being a feminine man is still subject to antagonism. Still, "man" was just wrong, on all levels. My idea of a man isn't something like in an action movie, but it's still not me. So I needed it for understanding and introspection. That was like a year ago? Maybe more. So now, I have a much better understanding of myself, of androgyny and gender identity and I think I'd be more capable to answer those questions that were difficult to me at first. That's at least one thing I've gained since I've been here (I was 26 when I joined too ), not to mention some great times just talking about this still grey area of human nature.

Peeing. . . oh how taken for granted routine activity (activity? creepy. . . ) can be. I've sometimes wondered what it would be like trying to stand and pee with out the equipment. . .

I'm glad you and yours have eachother, that's so wonderful.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Great Thread K!

I guess my first sense, memory , or realization that I had of being androgynous came in very early childhood in the form of complete bewilderment regarding gender roles. It seemed that everything that I did was "WRONG" and everything that I was good at was "BAD." To amplify this sense, I grew up with a twin brother who was equally unskilled at meeting the gender expectations that were imposed upon him. It just seemed to me that there had been a terrible mistake ... a mix up. I could not understand why we were handed roles that were opposite of our nature. When I was very young, I didn't recognize that my body was different form my brother's body in any significant way ... I did not feel male or female and it seemed that he too felt very gender neutral but each of us was corrected relentlessly for not meeting gender expectations. I felt that he and I were very much counter parts ... equal halves of a whole ... but not opposites ... just children who "go together." . I guess this sense of androgyny and bewilderment began around age 3 but I cannot be certain.

Hugs,

J

[Guest Chrysee]

When I was about 5, I was staying with my grandparents. One night, my grandfather tucked me in, kissed me on the forehead, and as soon as he was gone, I kicked off the bed clothes and 'redressed' myself. I pulled up the sheet and pretended that it was a slip. The blanket was some other feminine under garment and lastly the quilt was a long billowy skirt. I just laid there a little girlie a-glowing. I didn't feel less of a boy, this was 'in addition to.'

I didn't remember that moment for quite some time.

As well, as a preschooler, I used to love to thumb through the ladies under clothes section of the Sears catalogue. And no, I was not having licentious thoughts, thank you very much.

Later,

Cissy