So, I'm Sober As Nun...finally.

[Guest Misa]

So it's been seven years, 365 days a year, 8 1/2 grams a week for marijuana. 1 1/2 years, twice a week for extacy.

I've been off them for 1 month today.

I know I smoked weed for so long because it helped me ignore the part of my brain that keeps nagging me about how I really feel about my gender. Every time I was off it I started to over think, my mind would go back to its normal million miles an hour setting.

I'd tried stopping over the years off and on, but my issues came back stronger and more nagging, I preferred the ignore my feelings and get comatose method.

My parents drafted me into the Navy at 17, so I had no choice, but promptly got dishonorably discharged after 3 months of going AWOL with some other like minded kids, falling asleep in class (they made us get up at 4 for 3 hours of PT involving a 4km run) and er...getting drunk and um, streaking around the marching grounds with another boy at 2 in the morning.

After a shrink evaluation that had to be scheduled twice and have me marched their (I was scared to see a shrink) I was told that he has lots of concern for me, gender conflicts he noticed, some sort of personality disorder he begins telling me, I'm basically unstable. So I left, and went home, packed my things after a fight with the olds and moved in with some stoners getting a job as a Chef.

They were great, but very straight 'Occa' Aussies. So I had to adapt, repress to fit in, bring on the weed that existed everywhere in the next 6 years of hanging with these long time friends of mine. They noticed certain things about me though as they leaked through my alter ego over time, but that was ok, at this point I was accepted as the token 'odd, but lovable' kid. Enter partying, extacy, speed etc for the next year and a half.

I couldn't stop. I'd become used to the world I created with a nice drug haze of repression and excess seratonin. So finally I'm living on my own, off the drugs and letting my real self just come out, now people are really noticing. Lots. But I don't care, and I've never been happier, I'm me, unique little 5'4 me.

Thought I'd just post how I feel about it, so I can see it too, but so that others that might be using drugs as a crutch, can see there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Love Misa. Xo

[Guest Stuck down South]

I know what its like to be in that situation. Until June of this year I smoked everyday for four years, and no low grade grass either. As for ecstasy, I havent touched that, but other psychedelics were at least once a week. I would take over ten hits of acid at some times, always to the point of a dissolving ego trip or full loss of basic reality(anything less didnt cut it ).

I understand how the feelings come back- they strike with more intensity as your system cleanses. Normal thought speed can be a little weird after living in semislow-mode for so long.

[Guest Nekomata]

Thank you for the insightful post. It takes a strong person to admit and share such things. I am glad you have put yourself on the right track to recovery.

[Guest raydub]

Congratulations Misa.

Its a wonderful thing to realize that you no longer have to suffer the misery of drug abuse.

I drank like a fish for years and of course enjoyed a myriad of other "favors." Ive got 2 years and 7 months now.. and counting. Keep up the good work and No Matter What.. you don't have to use.

in love and service,

Raymond