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By RaineOnYourParade · Posted
As a guy with a mom constantly throwing around "she/her", I feel you. I think trans people in general hold ourselves to an impossible standard to be more girly or manly. There are some people who look or act a lot like the opposite gender, even if they're completely comfortable in their AGAB. That thought helps comfort me sometimes. If being a man was a set of boxes to check off (beyond the obvious chromosome things), I'm sure there'd be plenty of cis guys that would suddenly find themselves no longer being guys. It can be hard when it feels like evidence is stacked against you, but you don't have to be a certain way to turn into a guy. Some people will make it sound that way, but you're already a guy, regardless of how you look or act. After all, men don't look or act one way. Moving on from that, your mom'll probably (unfortunately) be an issue until you're able to put some distance between yourself and her. Finding a good group of people that support you and your identity can help some -- even if you can't stop her from misgendering you, the more people that you find that respect you can sometimes make it easier to drown out that voice. I wish you the best of luck <3 -
By RaineOnYourParade · Posted
Dang, this post started a loooooong time ago :o I'm not the most masculine guy, and I would be way too terrified to talk about any desire to be a boy tbh. Everyone said I was girl, I was told I had girl parts, all that, so I figured there was no other option, even if I wanted to be a boy. So, I basically masked the few remaining "signs" I would have after taking away some stereotypical guy things. I was a bit of a tomboy, but I didn't mind wearing fem clothing, and I was seen as just that -- a bit of a boyish girl. Though, one internalized sign I did have and never talked about was my obsession with Mulan. A girl who got to go and be a guy. She got to hang out with the guys, eat and sleep with the guys, act like a guy, learn the same things the guys in the movie did. I thought every girl would be jealous of that... apparently not, lol -
By RaineOnYourParade · Posted
It depends what you consider "rich". "Rich" as in there's plenty going on in there? Yeah, sure. Doesn't mean it's high quality junk. There's a lot of complicated stuff I'm still working on sorting out, so even if I've got a lot in my inner life, it's such a mess that it looks more like a hoarder's den than the nice, temple-like space a "rich inner life" makes me think of. Then I'm definitely doing something wrong with thinking haha 😅 My brain is physically incapable of not thinking about something. I can focus on one thing if I try really hard or if it's a specific interest of mine, but I have to keep thinking on it, otherwise my brain just starts jumping around. If I leave my brain alone, it sometimes jumps to some stuff that kinda scares me, so I don't think my thoughts will ever go to silence Great minds think alike, I suppose! :D -
By Ivy · Posted
I will add, Sometimes it's just a look of recognition from a woman, say like in a coffeeshop, store, etc. that helps me feel like I do belong. I don't get that recognition from men anymore - and don't miss it. -
By Ivy · Posted
I wanted to say this too. One thing that is hard for trans women is not having had the girl's socialization growing up. A lot of the time we just don't know how to act, and that shows. For myself, sometimes I hold back maybe more than I should out of fear of seeming "creepy." Acceptance varies. Some women are quite accepting, others less so. I usually wait to be invited to participate. I don't want to push myself on anybody. These days I don't have much interaction with men anyway. Perhaps my seeing men as "other" gets picked up on by women. I don't know. I seem to fall back on "it's complicated." I think when you understand what women go through in this patriarchal society it helps to understand better. As trans women, we do get some of this as well, but most of us didn't have to grow up with it. Over time, and even pre-transition, I've developed a very feminist view of our society. (Also raising 6 daughters helped a bit.) But that is a whole other subject. -
By Vidanjali · Posted
I spend time reflecting on this too. I do so in terms of transcending mind. I study Vedanta, mystical yoga philosophy, under guru's guidance. The mind-body complex is spoken of where "mind" is further parsed as ego, mind, intellect, unconscious all interacting with each other. It is said that one's real Self is soul and from a transcendent point of view, soul is not individualized, but One. It is through the illusion of ignorance we experience a world of multiplicity. Soul reflected through conditioned mind projects our seemingly subjective experience. When our unconscious is steeped in negative impressions, the ego is inflated. That inflated ego influences intellect which is the faculty of discernment, reasoning, and will, to direct the mind to project the negativity it believes is true. Negative experience of the world creates further negative impressions in the unconscious and thus a vicious cycle occurs. But likewise we are able to exert self-effort to control the mind, break that cycle and plant seeds of positivity in the unconscious by doing good practices in many ways. It is said that mind is the cause of bondage and release. My guru once said if your thinking lead to more and more thinking, then there is something wrong with your thinking. But if your thoughts lead to thoughtlessness, then you are on the right track. That is, one can do many things with the mind - make the mind one-pointed, make the mind distracted, or make the mind so still that it negates itself. That is a taste of bliss. So, do I have a rich inner life? I would say I do. But that was not a given; I aspire for it. It requires persistent effort and patience. And the term "rich" is not literal. Lord Jesus said, blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. By this, "poor" is also not meant literally. Poor in spirit is the state of cessation of ego and attachment - there is no "me" or "mine". In that state the kingdom which is Absolute Bliss is attained. -
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By Sally Stone · Posted
Post 11 “The Move West” I mentioned in previous posts how many of the places I lived impacted my comfort level, and from my perspective, living in New Jersey was the perfect location for a trans woman. However, other factors, such as property taxes and living costs, meant my wife and I couldn’t comfortable retire there. Additionally, my wife wanted to live closer to our kids, and I couldn’t deny her that desire, especially since she dutifully followed me around the globe during my military and flying career. Because the boys both lived on the “left” coast, we were going to retire somewhere in the western half of the United States. Searching for places to retire, we wanted a locale that was easy on taxes and benefitted retirees. However, I was ever vigilant for a place that was going to be trans friendly. We actually passed on many places because, based on the research I did, they were not considered good locales for alternative lifestyles. The internet has its issues, but there are numerous LGBTQ resources that helped us make an informed decision. Despite the research we did, you really can’t know if you are going to be comfortable somewhere until you’ve actually lived there. The plan was to select a location, and move when I retired. However, the demand for real estate in New Jersey put our house in high-demand, and our real estate agent suggested we sell as soon as possible to take advantage of the market. We put the house up for sale and it sold in under 15-days. Suddenly, we had to find a new place to live, so instead of waiting until I stopped working, we relocated immediately. Nevada had always come up as a great retirement location. There was no state tax, and the cost of living was much lower than any of the other places we had on our list. Surprisingly, many of the larger Nevada municipalities scored high as LGBTQ locations. Las Vegas got the best LGBTQ ratings but we didn’t want to live in such a large city. However, both Carson City and Reno looked like acceptable alternatives. We chose the Reno area, although the house we bought is about 50-mile away from the city. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering if the research I had done about Reno being LGBTQ friendly was accurate. Clearly, I had assumed some risk here, since the research results didn’t specifically address the transgender community. Adding to my anxiety, I couldn’t find any local trans groups, and the Reno LGBTQ community center’s transgender page hadn’t been refreshed in several years. The only way for me to know for sure what things would be like for me, was to put myself out there. Sally’s first day in Reno would be a June Saturday morning. The plan was to do some shopping and find a place to eat lunch. I started my day by stopping at Starbucks for coffee. It was a pleasant surprise to greeted so openly by the staff, and this seemed a first positive sign. Then it was off to the mall. I shopped at a few of the department stores, and strolled through the mall proper. It was a busy Saturday, with lots of people out and about, but I never noticed an odd or disparaging look, nor did I encounter a personal interaction that wasn’t anything but pleasant and cordial. After the mall, I stopped at PF Chang’s for lunch. Since I was alone, I asked the hostess if I could get food at the bar. The young lady tending the bar that day was so sweet, and we immediately became friends. The next thing I knew, I was being introduced to other servers, and became the center of their attention. They raved about my outfit and the boots I was wearing. Talk about feeling special. So, my first day as Sally was awesome, and since that first outing, I have never had an uncomfortable moment in Reno. I have also noticed several trans women in my travels, so obviously there is a population here. It kind of surprises me there isn’t an active social group, but then maybe the women I’ve encountered have settled into society here, and don’t need it. I don’t actually need a trans specific social group either. My wife is my BFF, and she and I get out together often enough that I don’t feel lonely or alone. I bet there are other girls out there; however, who are still in the closet, or perhaps don’t know how much fun Reno is. For those girls, I have considered starting a social group. In fact, I have already coordinated a “girl’s” weekend for this coming September. The plan is to spend the weekend enjoying all Reno has to offer, but centered around a Saturday evening concert. It should be lots of fun, and I’m looking forward to it. The challenge is getting the word out. I probably need to coordinate with the local LGBTQ center to help spread the word. Turns out Reno is a fun place to live even though I am trans. The people Sally has met have all been very friendly, but I can’t imagine it being any other way, since Sally is also friendly, and based on my interaction with others, very likeable as well. I think I’m living proof that when you are open, friendly, have a positive attitude, and smile a lot, people respond in kind, even when they might know, or have a hint you weren’t born the gender you are presenting. One could assume that my positive social experiences have just been dumb luck, but when I consider how long I have been out as Sally, it can’t just be luck. I know in my heart, that I am doing something right, that my female personality resonates in a way that ensures I am accepted as the woman I am trying to be. Hugs, Sally -
By Ivy · Posted
That one is frightening. -
By Betty K · Posted
I’m not saying that situation will change for you — how could I know? — but I can say it changed for me. I am frequently astonished at how differently I behave since transitioning, how much more relaxed and free and confident I am, and how much of my behaviour seems — to me and to others — genuinely feminine. It can happen. -
By Abigail Genevieve · Posted
Good information, thanks. -
By MaeBe · Posted
The behaviors you mention are all socialized, they’re not natal. The women all lived lives where this behavior is expected and they learned. That’s not to say every person aligns with societal “norms” or does it well, this situation was a microcosm. I think I understand where your head is at and I’m confident nothing I wrote is news to you, but look at it this way: do what brings you joy and the rest will follow. At the end it seems like you got in the way of your own joy, the others were including you be it through politeness or acceptance, and only when the Self got in the way did the interaction change. -
By Ladypcnj · Posted
Here are some safety tips whenever going out: 1. Make sure your cellphone is fully charged, and don't forget to bring the charger with you. 2. Tell a trusted friend or family member who is accepting about where you're going to be (if you're traveling alone). 3. Bring along a trusted friend or someone else that is in the community, go together, and afterwards leave the place together. 4. Be aware of your surroundings. -
By Mirrabooka · Posted
I’m posting this here because maybe it is a sign that I dislike my natal self in some ways that I hadn’t thought of before. A situation happened yesterday which ended up giving me a good ol’ reality check. It left me feeling quite deflated. As a result, once again, I’m questioning my place on the trans rainbow spectrum. It’s not so much that I feel like an imposter, but rather, I feel like an alien. Our oldest daughter is a single mom and her daughter, our granddaughter, is going on seven. They had a special event at her school yesterday; it was Special Person’s Day, where parents or significant others were invited to participate in some out-of-class activities in the last hour with the students. Since our daughter was working, my wife and I were glad to attend in her place and our granddaughter was thrilled to see us. My wife isn’t disabled, but she’s not especially capable of doing physical stuff. So, it was always going to be me holding onto the tug-of-war rope with half a dozen mothers against the kids, just as it was to get in the rock/paper/scissors comp where the loser went to the back of the line and the winner had to sprint madly along the line to mee the next contestant. It was nice to be doing something amongst a group of lovely women, not that they knew that I was emulating them. There was some small talk and a bit of gentle banter with these strangers, and it felt nice; I felt included. Of course, these women were just being good humans and not actually including me as one of them. Not that I expected them to do so. Then we went to the art room and waited outside until the previous group finished up. I became observant during this time, not ogling the ladies amongst the throng at all, but just taking in their hairstyles and clothing choices and the spontaneous, intuitive conversations between them. I started to get a sinking feeling. I was nothing like them, not just in appearance, but in womanly ways. Once inside and assisting the kids, I found it impossible to interact with any of the mothers at all. It’s as if I could see their large pink auras all intermingling, and here was I with my tiny blue (purple at best) aura tied to an anvil and unable to think of myself as anything but an outlier. I almost felt embarrassed to have long hair. It doesn’t matter how womanly I feel inside, or what feminine mannerisms automatically happen, or how I might display myself to keep my inner woman happy – I am missing the naturality of it all. And that's what gave me the feeling of being deflated. Just had to get this off my chest.
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