Scared Of What The Future Might Bring

[Guest AndreaSC]

Last week, I saw my gender therapist for the first time.

She emailed me a list of questions to answer before our next appointment.

The last question was "Ideally, how would you like the gender-identity conflict be resolved?"

I honestly replied that If you put a gun to my head and asked "Male or Female?", I would always choose female.

This scares the crap out of me.

While I've often wished I were a woman, actually committing to being such (well, not really, since my second appointment with her is tomorrow), makes me scared, and eliminates the confidence I've built up.

I guess this is just an example of life- having to making the choices that will make you happy in the long run.

[Guest Sofiadragon]

I have yet to actually see a therapist but I am going to be going to my 2nd transgender support group meeting as my true self for the first time on Sat & that is a double first in a way 'cause I have gone out as a woman before but it was on halloween last year 'cause I really was scared & I know that not too many people would have cared about it then but since it is close my wife & I are going to walk there & I am nervous as hell about it so I know where you are comming from about that, but I just keep telling myself that if I don't get this going soon then I am more then likely going to end myself & then I snap myself out of that train of thought 'cause I know where I will head if that kind of thinking keeps up 'cause I have been there more then once, & those that have been suicidal 'cause of this know where I am comming from. Thankfully I haven't been there recently to the point of not being able to turn back. But just keep thinking that you know that you are doing the right thing 'cause this is where you truely belong, & then you will start to get more comfortable w/ it 'cause all I do is compare my thoughts of wanting to be male (which are not there @ all anymore) to my thoughts of wanting to be female (which are now starting to make it hard to think about anything else lol). And then it will start to become easier for you, I hope that this helps you so you aren't going all day because you got too nervous to take the next step.

[Guest Rayne]

Last week, I saw my gender therapist for the first time.

She emailed me a list of questions to answer before our next appointment.

The last question was "Ideally, how would you like the gender-identity conflict be resolved?"

I honestly replied that If you put a gun to my head and asked "Male or Female?", I would always choose female.

This scares the crap out of me.

While I've often wished I were a woman, actually committing to being such (well, not really, since my second appointment with her is tomorrow), makes me scared, and eliminates the confidence I've built up.

I guess this is just an example of life- having to making the choices that will make you happy in the long run.

I'm glad you're in therapy - it's a big and important step.

The important thing you must remember is, you don't have to go any farther than you want to.

Start down the road and when you feel happy, stop. Or rather, when the next step makes you uncomfortable, stop.

You don't have to go all the way to the operating room. Some don't Some are happy living as a woman while still not having the right "plumbing". Others are happy just to cross dress.

[Guest Isobelle Fox]

I'd say thats a pretty normal reaction. At least it has been similar for me. I've been wanting hormone therapy for some time, but the first time it came up as a real option in therapy, it scared the crap out of me. I had to think about it for two weeks, and by thinking about it, I mean all day long, every concious moment, and then dreaming about it at night, before I could find the courage to say yes. Then, ironically, about a day before I got to talk to my therapist again it turned out that I was about to lose my job and cannot afford therapy or anything else for probably quite a while. Blah.

But anyway, yes, its scary. There is a very real threshold between wanting something, even needing it desperately, and actually having it offered to you, even theoritically. I know I have been very hard on myself all my life about being trans, so there's still a part of me that feels like I am caving in to this thing that I have been so devoted to fighting for so long, and there is also tremendous fear of how other people will treat you and whether or not you are about to make your life much more difficult than it already is.

But see, thats what therapy is about. Thats why its better to let someone help you through the steps than to try to do anything on your own. You will have to admit what you want and learn to understand why you are also afraid of it, and a gender therapist can help you acknowledge the need and the fear in a constructive and structured way.

And as already mentioned, the path you take is yours to decide. Where and when it begins and where and when it ends is up to you. The steps in between are the territory that your counselor is there to help you navigate.

Good luck with everything!