Hitting Bottom... again.

[Guest Kael147]

Hey Everyone,

No doubt from some of my posts in this forum that I have had issues with addictions in the past. When I was younger I had a really serious drinking problem. I was a daily drinker and often needed the afternoon shot to make it through the day. I started drinking very young. I found it helped me to like myself better. It kept me from feeling so alone and confused. I was better looking, more outgoing, guys liked me better (I liked them more too), I was funnier, and life was just easy when I drank. The problem was that I needed more and more to get the feelings that I liked and the more I drank the more the effects started to take a hold of me. I've been to treatment for my drinking problem several times and have even substituted gambling for the drinking, but that is another story.

Fast forward a few years (too much for this post) and I find myself being a casual drinker. This works mostly and for the most part I have it under control - EXCEPT - when I don't (rare, but has happened). There have been a few trips to the ER, there have been some black outs, some sideway steps sexually, and generally a few trips down the road to hell.

Things have been good for the past few years. Two years sober, then trip to Mexico last February where I fell off the wagon, but I would drink a beer here or there, but rarely more than one and rarely ever. However, as I have been feeling more and more discomfort presenting as a woman even though I am really a man while I wait to get into my local trans clinic, I have drank a bit more. I started gambling a few weeks ago again (after three years abstinent) and last Wednesday hit the tail spin. I just needed a break from reality.

I could go into all the stressers besides my gender, but lets just say there are many and any one alone could have set me off, but the real kicker was a conversation I had with my wife. We were joking around about a friend of ours who is a very good looking gay man. She felt he was the best looking man in the city and I jokingly said, "actually, I think I'm better looking than him!" She said, "but you don't look like a man". Well burst my bubble! I was so deflated. Then the next day (Wednesday last week), I found out that the clinic still isn't taking anyone and months later I'm still number 10 on their waiting list. I lost all hope and went to a bar to go gamble and I ordered a beer. I go home, have more drinks, more, more, more, and an ugly night ensues (I'll spare us all the details). There I was hitting bottom... again.

So today, over a week later, I'm starting to feel a little better. I'm still carrying around the shame and remorse of some of the crazy things I was up to, but in my sober seconds I realized how little I have actually been taking care of myself. There are going to be heartbreaks and aches, there are going to be road blocks and mountains, but I really can't drink to get over them, I just end up making them that much harder.

I forgot to seek the help when I needed it and I'm grateful that I only had to have one rip roaring drunk to get me back on my path. I suspect it is my higher power's way of telling me I need to be kinder to myself. I don't know why I feel the need to share this, but hopefully it helps someone not go down that dark path of destruction. I feel very grateful to be alive today and while I feel depressed there remains a glimmer of hope. I hate the slogan "one day at a time" but it happens to be true and exactly what I need. I need to keep moving forward, keeping putting one foot in front of the other.

Kael

[JJ]

Thank you for sharing Kael

You fight a difficult battle-but I admire that you do keep fighting and don't let the slips beat you. That is how you win in the end.

None of this is an easy road but we are worth it. And worthy of our own love.

Congratulations on making a new commitment to yourself

Johnny

[Guest John Chiv]

Kael,

Sharing this will make someone else feel less isolated, less shameful and give them hope. While we here can give you support, you are taking this one day at a time and I wish you the very best.

John

[Michelle 2010]

If you think you may be an alcoholic and you want to try something other than abstinence as a solution to the problem, you may be interested in a TG-AA group that skypes weekly. While a once a week meeting will not keep you sober, it is a small group of people, most of whom met here, who have been skyping for several months in a pure AA format but with the freedom to deal openly and honestly with trans issues, a luxury not available to many of us who are not in large metro areas. The format includes a topic and sharing experience strength and hope. It is not a class or QandA type thing, tho all there are interested in helping folks new to AA. It includes ftms as well as mtfs. Only you can answer the question of whether you are an alcoholic, but for many of us, knowing the problem is the first step in finding the solution.

PM me if you would like information Kael, ok?

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Svenna]

Kael,

Life sucks!

Being drunk and outta control? Makes life suck even harder!!

Dude, you know what is going on, right? You understand the dynamics of chemical addictions like alcoholism? No? Well, there is no 'getting better' here, just like with trans-ness, there is only the option of dealing with the realities or failing to deal with the realities. The very quality of our lives hangs in the balance...

My life with alcohol sounds a lot like yours. It has been over twenty years since I had a drink, though I know the 'danger' is ever-present...

You will have to deal with these non-trans issues sooner or later. For me, there was NO way I was gonna handle being trans while I was drinking and drugging, and it still took me decades to come out after sobering up...yer mileage may vary! lol...

Hang in there, you can beat this thing, you really can...

AA might be a place where you can find the support and skills you will need to live soberly, maybe, maybe not, but you WILL need some kind of reliable, honest support. AA is tops in such situations...

Best to you, Sir, as you move forward with such difficult stuff!

Love. Svenna

[VickySGV]

Welcome back to reality. Slips and slides don't count as failure unless they end up with you killing yourself or other people. The junk does indeed take our minds off the deeper issue we have, but only until it is out of our systems, and then the stuff comes back with a vengence and we are worse off than before. Michelle has a terrific idea for you in the online TG/AA, for technical reasons I can't join it yet, but the concept is great, and she and I have talked about it before. DO get yourself into a group that can help you even just by being around to grin at you. Doing it completely alone is not gonna cut it for you. But -- WELCOME BACK,

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Kael:

Hey, man, I've got to chime in, because I really like you and care about you.

While alcohol was not a bugaboo with me, back in the 1970s, I genuflected at the alter of tetrahydrocannabinol just about daily for about 5 years. No two ways about it: That's an addiction. Been there. Beat it. You can too.

Svenna's right: Maybe AA is the way to go. Their program is proven over several decades with the 12 steps and whatnot.

Finally, our brother, you probably know I type hospital reports for a living. Well, my point is, and I'm saying this from the doctors' perspective, that alcohol is THE MOST DANGEROUS drug out there ... by far. Please, do all you can to be where you want to be. We care about you very much, man. We're sending good vibes your way.

Peace Lacey

Note:

Socializing in the profession you're in makes partaking of cocktails and such almost mandatory. That makes it challenging indeed. It's okay to have seltzer water or ginger ale with a slice of citrus fruit in it. Nobody will mind, if this is an issue.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Kael,

I understand what you are going through, as I used to drink a bit...

Part of trying to "cure" myself of being Trans, and all my other problems, included lots of self medication, which included lots of alcohol. I did get to a point however where that was not the main issue for me. I became a needle junkie; if I could put it into a syringe, I would pump it into my arm. In copious amounts. Well, after watching lots of people ruin thier lives, I hit bottom one night. I wanted a fix so bad, to turn the reality of my life off, that I buffered an aspirin down, and mainlined it. It did'nt do anything to me, but it made me stop and think (for once), just what I was doing to myself, and how hard drugs and alcohol have ruined so many lives. All in the name of "just one more buzz", and to "party on". Or for me, to run from myself. I have'nt touched a needle since 1987, and today my body simply rejects more than a couple drinks of alcohol. Today, I do have an Oregon MMJ card, because of old injuries, but rarely partake because UAs at work (they do not accept MMJ).

Please seek whatever help you need, durgs and alcohol are not worth ruining your life for, and they are a facade when it comes to masking problems and running from reality. I wish you all the best.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[Guest Kael147]

Hey crew,

Thanks for the support. I've been kind of hiding some of my demons and trying to be the solid trans guy.

Apparently I can run but not hide!

I'm not feeling nearly as vulnerable as I was and can feel myself tugging up the boot straps!

I'm feeling a little like hiding in my hole, but I'm not going to, I'm going to lick my wounds and hold my head up high and get down to business.

I've got some good advice and support and feel lots and lots of love!

Gotta go take care of the kids!

Thanks again, Kael

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hugs to you Kael ...

There are so many people who care about you. Slip ups happen and steps back happen ... as you know, drinking is playing with fire for those with the disposition toward alcoholism. It is good that you caught yourself after this fall are now safe, more stable and able to move forward again ... Know that there is a safety net waiting for you at AA and that there are people here at Laura's who are standing by to support you in your recovery as well.

One more Little Hug,

JB

[Guest NyB]

Hi Kael

I could identify with everything you said.

I am part of that group Michelle mentioned and it has been so great to be a trans man in recovery from alcoholism. No one can say we are an alcoholic, only deep inside can we determine if that is true or not. if you need to, Pm me, I am here.

[Bulldog1948]

Kael,

From my own personel experience booze was the devils playground in my life. The Army teaches one many things and one of the biggest was how to drink,drink and more drink. If you didn't drink you were considered too square to care. But, my time frame was the 60s and early 70s- VietNam era- where nothing seemed to really matter. It was a wild and wicked time.

To be honest, I've lost track of all the times I should have been killed or just died.

But, one day my life turned around Thank G...d. I gave up my booze and wild life. It's been almost 40 yrs of not drinking. Oh yeah, I'm tempted sometimes, but then all of the old memories of bad times,hang-overs,fights rush to the fore front and I decide that it just isn't worth it any more. I'm too old for the dumb crap.

Hope that I haven't ran on too much. Just wanted to yo know that we Seniors have also had our battles. Stay Strong-Stay Sober and Live a Long Life

Mike

[Guest karen_nicole]

Kael,

I know this post is a couple months late, but I'm new to the forum and just saw it today. Anyway, you might want to check out a local A.A. meeting. You can find where and when online. There's a difference between being sober, and sobriety. Get yourself a sponsor, work the steps, and your life WILL get better.

Good luck, Karen Nicole

[Guest angels wings]

Hi Kael

Thx for posting . In ur words u so truely show how words can uplift or deflate a person . I'm so glad u are making the right codices for u . I have read many of your posts and I don't have advice im sorry but I do have ((((hugs)))) . I find myself writting posts here to and not knowing why . Well I think it's part of our healing and through that we are also encouraging others and showing them thy are not alone .wishing u brighter days

[Svenna]

Hey crew,

Thanks for the support. I've been kind of hiding some of my demons and trying to be the solid trans guy.

Apparently I can run but not hide!

I'm not feeling nearly as vulnerable as I was and can feel myself tugging up the boot straps!

I'm feeling a little like hiding in my hole, but I'm not going to, I'm going to lick my wounds and hold my head up high and get down to business.

I've got some good advice and support and feel lots and lots of love!

Gotta go take care of the kids!

Thanks again, Kael

Hey, Kael!

How are you doing? Long time, no see you around..

Are you doing all right?

Svenna

[Guest angels wings]

Oh silly auto correct , correcting my already corrected word:/ ok it's suppose to read .......I'm glad you are making the right choices for you

[Guest karen_nicole]

Michelle, when is that online meeting you moderate? I looked but didnt find it...Oh, and I got my 9 month chip the other day! WooHoo! And it was at an LGBT A.A. meeting. Thanx, Karen

[Michelle 2010]

In the Laura's Playground Chatroom, Karen. Prior and separate registration is required for chat. Many there do not participate in the forum at all, so it has a different registration. It is vigilent against pretenders, trolls and admirers so a brief interview is required, No big deal.

Meeting is separate from Community Central, scan the menu after saying hi to folks and you will see an alpha list...scroll down to "S" as in substance abuse, and double click into the room.

Sunday: 9:00pm EST, goes for 90-120 minutes, depending...

Usually starts with myself and one or two others and builds. Can be conversation with or without a theme, but always related to Recovery and Trans. If someone is hurting it will go more into meeting type format. All are welcome, all are polite, no cliques...

Michelle

[Guest karen_nicole]

Thanks Michelle, I've been to your meetings before and they were great! I have one I'm going to here locally in about 1/2 hour. I also found an LGBT A.A. meeting and group that meets 2x week. I'm thinking of joining their homegroup as the one I'm currently involved in is rather fractured. Anyway, one of the things I've been wanting to tell you about is a local TG support group a friend of mine is starting up in case you might be interested. Not sure if this is the forum to discuss it, but let me know what you think and I'll get you more info. ttfn! hugs* , karen

[VickySGV]

Karen, I am one of Michelle's regulars in the chat on Suday's, I noticed you just hit 5 posts, you can now PM her or any of the rest of us, which might be a good start for letting her in on the other group you were referring to,

[Guest pumpsara]

People try dealing with drinking issues more then the triggers that bring on the drinking. Its like looking at the accident rather then the road conditions prior to the crash and your actions that may have caused or contributed to the event.

[Guest Kael147]

Hey friends,

I've been off line for a bit, but came back on here a few weeks ago. I reread what I wrote and could feel the despair I had been suffering. I am just so much better. I ended up calling all kinds of people in my community and started a letter campaign that got us more docs at our clinic and wait times down to a couple of months.

Sobriety - I'm sober right now and have been for a few months. I had some struggles at the holidays, but am working hard to maintain my health and wellness. I've been to aa on and off for 20 years, I'n reluctant to go back, but we can chat about that some other time. I'm physically not well, but spiritually and emotionally I feel terrific. Testosterone has helped me beyond belief, not to mention congruency and finally being myself.

Thank you again for all the love and support.

Kael

[Michelle 2010]

How wonderful for you to stop by and share an update Kael. Its almost like walking into one of my hometown meetings and seeing a "snowbird" arriving back for the season

A familiar face with good news is a wonderful thing!

To hear of your spiritual and emotional progress and stability is very cool. Regarding the physical, we all wish you well. As you know from 20 years in and out of the rooms, the most important lessons we learn are NOT the ones we learn when life is exactly the way we would like it to be. My first sponsor taught me not only how to live a quality life, but in 2011 taught me how to die with grace and dignity as a sober alcoholic. The miracles of recovery continue as do life's lesson, no?

Good to have you around Kael...

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Kael147]

Hugs back Michelle! I'm happy to be back!!!

[Charlize]

Hi Kael,

I'm glad you have come back and are posting. I think that my sharing and the others caring at AA meetings is so important to my overall well being. Posting at Laura's also helps me. I think the worst thing we can do is isolate. I've done that with disastrous results. I have found my sobriety has allowed me to embrace myself with an honesty i never thought possible.

I'm hoping to get to know you better.

Hugs,

Charlie