Am I Male?

[Guest diniesaur]

For the longest time, I thought I was androgynous or genderfluid. Recently, however, I've been questioning my gender more and more. I feel like I should be male. My theory is that I was hiding it from my ex because she was mostly lesbian...but it may or may not be correct. Sometimes I get a rush from dressing up in female clothes, but I don't want to do that forever, and after a while it starts feeling uncomfortable. I wonder if I should have been born male and sometimes crossdressed rather than a female.

Also, just so you know, I have autism, so that may make it more difficult for me to interact with people--I might accidentally hurt someone's feelings without meaning to. If I do something wrong, please tell me, and I will do my best to fix it.

I've posted about this on a few of other sites, so I will try to find the best worded parts and show you:

When I was very young, I didn't really have a concept of gender identity. But ever since I was around eight or nine, I felt...Not Female. When I learned what gender was, I didn't feel comfortable being placed in the "female" box.

I get horrified whenever I think of taking estrogen so I will "feel like a girl" because that's NOTME. I would rather die than be put on those hormones.

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to cut my breasts off...or at least mutilate them to the point where doctors would have no choice to remove them. I almost tried to do it today, but I remembered that my friend told me I would die if I did it by myself.

I hate wearing dresses...and I haven't worn makeup since I was in elementary school (I had to for this dance class my mom put me in). But when puberty hit...that was awful! I went into denial about having breasts and refused to wear a bra...then, when my mom told me my breasts were more noticeable without the bra, I started wearing one, but I kept wearing the training bras until I was size B because I wanted to constrict my breasts. Then, I kept wearing the size B bras until I was size D...which I am now.

I love being called "he"! I feel so happy when that happens, and it feels like crap when people hear my voice or see my breasts and then apologize. They shouldn't apologize for making me happy! I don't like being called "she." I would rather be called "it" than she, but apparently that makes it worse for people than "he" does.

I want to tell you about one of my happiest moments. I went into my brother's preschool to help pick him up, and these little kids started fighting over whether I was male or female! It makes me happy, but unfortunately I can't say I'm male because it's a Baptist preshchool and the teachers already think I'm female.

I'm generally a happier person when I bind. I always wear jeans and a "hard" Tshirt (the kind people usually think of as low quality) due to sensory issues, and I think it's pretty male clothing. I also have my hair short, but sometimes haircutters take it upon themselves to make me look "feminine" and the mess it up. I HATE it when they do that.

I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, but I'm not sure about how competent the psychologist is, since she's a graduate student, although a full psychologist tried to diagnose me with it years ago before my mom took me away from him. My parents, on the other hand, strongly disagree with me transitioning. My dad says I don't know what it means to be male, and my mom says I am genderless and that I should not attempt to transition since I already show characteristics of higher than normal testosterone (for females).

I do remember that my mom told me that sometimes people go through puberty and turn into the other sex, and I wanted that to happen to me. I remember one strong instance of me wanting to be male and not female from my childhood; that was when my mom and I saw a woman who had taken testosterone to grow huge muscles. I thought it was really cool, and my mom told me that it was a male hormone, and I said something like, "That sounds awesome!" My mom gave me a scary look, so I quickly followed up with, "...buuut, that's a boy hormone, so I don't want it." I didn't talk to her about feeling male for a long time after that.

Middle school was when I talked to my first psychologist and he tried to diagnose me as transgender. Everyone in my middle school called me a "he-she," and I liked it because it was better than being called female. I never tried to tell them to stop.

When my leg hair grew in, I refused to shave it. I thought it was awesome, and I got really mad when my mom forced me to shave it so I could look not hairy in shorts. I also didn't like to wear skirts and dresses, although I remember sometimes wearing makeup for dance shows when I was little.

As my sex drive increased, I realized that I had a strong urge to have a penis that I could insert it into another male or a female. Also around that time, I felt like I wanted to be able to pee standing up, and I wanted to have longer leg hair than I had because I wanted to feel manly. I like feeling manly, and I feel happy when my leg hair is longer than another man's leg hair. My mom says it's a childish characteristic (not in a bad way), like how a little child will want his car to be the fastest. Since puberty, I have always wanted to have a penis, and I frequently talk about my imaginary penis. I also want to have testicles, and I want to not have breasts. I want to have big muscles and a deep voice. I want to be able to be chivalrous to women instead of having men be chivalrous to me. I get frustrated when I try to self gratification because I feel like I have the wrong parts. I feel deeply offended when people expect me to wear dresses and makeup, and I feel inadequate when people try to treat me as a woman instead of a man (not that women are somehow inadequate).

I think those are the best parts. Maybe this will help you. I tried to make it colorful so it would be easier to read. Thank you for helping me. I appreciate anything you have to say.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear diniesaur,

Gosh, you are expressing so many feelings and dynamics in your life, it is hard to address them all in a single reply post. Not to sound redundant, but I would recommend that you confirm your diagnosis of gender identity disorder by a professional without excuses. I am not exactly clear on how old you are so I am not sure how to talk to you in terms of age.

Gender expression and sexuality are extremely complex and many people make assumptions that are not necessarily true. Although gender expression and sexuality expression are intertwined, one does not imply the other.

Self mutilation is never the answer. Cutting never gets the right attention as one would expect. Cutting only jeapordizes your ability to find true self realization, even worse catastrophic death.

I am glad to hear about your self experimentation of what you like about yourself and how you want to present yourself.

Eventhough, you talk about having hair and a penis, both of which I deplore for myself. I understand your need to be and to express yourself. Ironically, I get rid of all my hair and hide my genitals so much that I look like that I have none. That makes me happy. Hairless legs in shorts are awesome for me, but I do understand your position. Self expression.

Dear, I would simply pursue the simple things that are safe and allow you to feel more like you. You want hairy legs? Then go for it and be proud and happy. Although, I am in the opposite direction, I completely understand your need.

Who you are comes first. Expression comes first. Therapy helps enormously to sort out all of these dynamics.

Remember always, you are entitled to be who you are.

Express yourself without harm.

Love

Brenda

[Barbwire]

_{As a MTF, I often wonder why ALL females don't appreciate what they were born with! That's insensitive on my part, as I can imagine a FTM thinking the same thing about me... Born male, I had a body most guys would kill for! Years of lifting weights (trying to develope "breasts" by developing pecs) has left me with the most unfeminine arms ever! Now, I'm on HRT, hoping they'll grow on their own. But would I REALLY have wanted to be born female??? I often wonder. They have soooo many problems of their own, I'm not sure I would have wanted to deal with them in my youth (I'm 62 now). So maybe I was lucky to be born a guy after all, even though I have felt like a woman my entire life. I don't think I'd have had the guts to be a real woman......}

_{By the way, MODERATOR, this website sucks.... I've had so much trouble logging in, and I can't even access my own profile until I make these "5" posts -- how many I've made seems excessive, but it's not like I'm asking for info on anybody else!!! My own profile.....gee.}

[Carolyn Marie]

_{As a MTF, I often wonder why ALL females don't appreciate what they were born with! That's insensitive on my part, as I can imagine a FTM thinking the same thing about me... Born male, I had a body most guys would kill for! Years of lifting weights (trying to develope "breasts" by developing pecs) has left me with the most unfeminine arms ever! Now, I'm on HRT, hoping they'll grow on their own. But would I REALLY have wanted to be born female??? I often wonder. They have soooo many problems of their own, I'm not sure I would have wanted to deal with them in my youth (I'm 62 now). So maybe I was lucky to be born a guy after all, even though I have felt like a woman my entire life. I don't think I'd have had the guts to be a real woman......}

_{By the way, MODERATOR, this website sucks.... I've had so much trouble logging in, and I can't even access my own profile until I make these "5" posts -- how many I've made seems excessive, but it's not like I'm asking for info on anybody else!!! My own profile.....gee.}

I'm sorry you don't approve of the site, Barbwire, or our rules and methodologies. The five post minimum for complete site access allows the staff to evaluate new members to make sure they are not admirers, trolls, or other undesireables. Constantly complaining will not give you site access any quicker. When you applied for membership, you agreed to abide by the site Terms and Conditions. If you feel you cannot now abide by those restrictions, you are welcome to find a place more suitable.

On the other hand, if you can be patient enough to obtain a mere five posts, then you will be automagically granted full site access, including the private message (PM) system, and the profiles, including your own. Moderation of all posts, however, is a given and is something you will have to learn to live with. If you have not yet read the Terms and Conditions, perhaps its best that you do so.

Carolyn Marie

Moderator

[Carolyn Marie]

Getting back to the topic at hand, I think Brenda has the best solution, hon, and that is to seek out an experienced and trained gender therapist who can help you find the path through this thicket you've found yourself in. The only other advice I can offer is to not worry too much about labels and boxes, because they are like verbal straightjackets that don't let you be yourself, or at least not without feeling bad in some fashion.

Two things I've learned since coming to this site, are that 1) gender really is a continuum and 2) how one feels about their gender can change over time, sometimes within the same week.

There are often no easy answers, and I;m not a psychologist and I don't know you, so I won't hazard any guesses, educated or uneducated, about who and what you are. Give it time, and the help of a professional, and I think you'll find that happiness is something within your grasp.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Terms and Conditions....

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=4

Please read

[Guest diniesaur]

Thank you for the answers! Yes, I will definitely try to get that diagnosis confirmed with a real psychologist. I recently discovered that the people at that place are required to give everyone who goes there a diagnosis for insurance reasons--and they don't have to consult with full therapists before they do! I will probably be switching to one of my old therapists soon; I was just going to that one for price and convenience.

I will continue to express myself with things like my leg hair, and I will probably get a binder as soon as I can. Thank you for the help; it actually helps me feel better that you're not automatically saying I'm male because that makes me worry that people aren't being careful enough. I thought I would feel better if I had a diagnosis, but since it's with that psychologist, I'm not so confident.