90% sure I'm trans - now what?

[Guest mah3505]

I am 30-years-old, have a wife and a 4-year-old daughter. About a month ago, something (I can’t honestly remember what) prompted me to start doing some research and I found out a few things that seem to apply to me.

The first thing that I’ve known since I was in my mid-teens is that I have social anxiety disorder. At that time, I was having panic attacks anytime I knew I had to be around a large group of people (like high school). I also had severe panic attacks when my first girlfriend tried to “put the moves” on me. Still to this day, I would prefer to be alone but I have learned how to cope out of necessity.

I think the social anxiety developed from my elementary school experiences. From my earliest memories of school, I was bullied and made fun of by pretty much everyone. I had one really close (male) friend all through elementary school and was only ever briefly friends with pretty much anyone who would be friends with me. Even though my closest friend was male, I knew very early on that I preferred the company of females. At least this tells me it has nothing to do with sex since this was well before puberty. I generally really dislike men and don’t get male humor (what’s so funny about farting?) and really don’t get into any type of competition.

In doing all this research, I’ve sort of self-diagnosed myself as also having Asperger’s Syndrome. In reading the characteristics and taking the Adult Asperger Assessment, I am convinced a professional would diagnose me with this. I believe this is why I had so many social problems in elementary school.

I include this because I also believe that is what caused me to take 30 years to reach the discovery that I truly believe I should have been born a female. As a child, I remember at least two situations where I tried to convince people (not peers at school) that I was a girl. Of course, both of those attempts failed because I was physically male. At various stages I’ve questioned my gender, but with Asperger’s and the bullying, I did everything I could to not draw attention to myself and to conform to social norms. This means that through out my development, I just sort of accepted that I was male and now have spent the last 30 years learning to act male.

So now here I am. I sat down and told my wife that I am a woman and I’ve reached out to another friend and shared this discovery with her as well. Both are being very supportive, but can’t really help me since they don’t know first-hand what I’m going through. I have so many questions and just can’t be 100% sure that this is all true and really happening. I think my life would have turned out much differently if I was born a female, but now at this stage of my life, what do I do about it? I think I would be much more comfortable with myself if I could just instantly be a woman, but I am fully aware that that is not possible. I say “I think” because how can I truly know? I realize there are transgendered people out there that have known with no question for their whole lives, but I also know through my research that there are plenty of people who discover this later in life. Part of me wonders if I’m just not happy with my life and am using this as an explanation for why my life has been so difficult. I also have a low self-image and maybe the thought of a physical change is a way to justify why I never liked the way I look.

I’ve taken some steps as an experiment to try and find out for sure, but I still have many questions. I started by removing all body hair (and I have a lot of it). I’ve done this a few times in the past, but always felt self-conscious of being seen by someone who knows that I was hairy and let it regrow after just one shave. How would I explain myself? Now I’ve done it, not really caring what anyone thinks and I’ve kept up with it for about a month now. While I like the look and feel of my skin without all this gross body hair, I also have several issues with it. The first issue is the time required to keep up with it. Yes woman have to shave their legs too, but I have to shave my face, torso, and legs (probably arms too, but still too self-conscious of what people would say about that). If I do all of that at one time it takes over an hour. I just don’t have that much available time to spend in the bathroom. The second issue is, not matter how I shave there is always noticeable stubble – everywhere. Also, my torso and inner thighs continue to have razor burn and ingrown hairs no matter how I shave. So I like being hairless, but don’t have the time and am not satisfied with the results of shaving.

Another step I have taken is that for the first time, I’ve fully committed to cross-dressing. I’ve actually purchased clothing for my size and style. The result is that I know I am more comfortable in female clothing than male. I don’t mean that I want to dress in skirts and dresses all the time. I actually think if I were a woman, I would dress mostly in pants, but would relish the times when dressing up would be appropriate.

I have set up an appointment at a clinic that specializes in transgendered issues, but it’s still about two months away. This waiting period is driving me insane! That’s why after visiting this site almost every day for a month and reading a lot of the postings, I’ve decided to post myself (first time I’ve ever posted on the internet) and try to get some opinions from those of you in the community. At this point, I really feel like I want to have a body that matches my mind, but the whole transition thing is frightening to say the least and also really expensive.

On the cost of transition – I am the “bread-winner” in the household, making more than twice what my wife makes. We both went to a private college on nothing but student loans, so we have a substantial amount of debt and not much extra money. I work in a male-dominated manufacturing plant where the few women that work here work in traditional female roles (secretaries, human resources, etc.). I don’t think I would be accepted here if I decided to transition and would probably be unemployed for a while. That just doesn’t seem like an option right now. I would also feel extremely selfish using any extra money we may have to make changes to myself.

As far as my other fears about transition are concerned – as I stated, I’m sure going full time would almost certainly mean finding a new job, which is not easy right now. I don’t really have to worry about alienating friends since I don’t really have any, but I’m pretty sure my entire family would disown me. Also making the switch and going public must be one of the most stressful things ever. I’ve watched some You Tube videos of transitions and I guess you’d reach a certain point on HRT where you feel more like you could pass than before HRT.

Then there are the physical issues. As I already stated, I have a lot of body hair. I would have no problem getting permanent hair removal or waxing or anything else like that except again, the cost factor. I am 5’10”, 160 lbs so my build isn’t absurd for a woman and I would absolutely be motivated to loose some weight during transition so I don’t think my body shape would really be an issue. However, another hair related issue is that I’m pretty thin on top. Although there are no bald patches, it’s thin enough that most people would call me bald. I have always had short hair (right now wear a buzz cut) but love the thought of having my own long, feminine hair. Just thinking about tucking it behind my ear seems so natural. I also have a pretty deep, masculine voice. I’ve started practicing feminizing my voice by raising the Adam’s apple and I think I could eventually be pretty convincing but it would require a lot more work to prevent being read. I know most transgendered people fear being read, but with social anxiety disorder, it’s even more frightening for me.

Reading about the effects of HRT, I’m convinced this is something I want to pursue as it would help to make me look and feel (mentally and physically) more feminine, but that also means committing to eventually going full time. I absolutely want to go full time, but again, the transition period is just such a scary thought for me.

I've wondered if I could do HRT and never go full time but every time I’ve seen someone suggest that, they seem to get knocked down as not being ready for HRT yet. Maybe that’s true, but transitioning would be a whole lot less stressful for me if I could do it privately and then when I’m ready start venturing out in public as a woman but all the while still holding my job and talking to family as a man. I guess after years on HRT, letting my hair grow out and adapting female characteristics, people would start to figure it out and who knows, maybe my job and family would be accepting.

I also know part of my confusion with all of this is that I’m still thinking with my male, testosterone influenced mind. I think my plan right now when I go to this clinic (who adopt an informed-consent model) would be to give HRT a trial run. I think 6 months of HRT would let my mind think more clearly and start to show me some of the physical changes without anything really permanent allowing me to make a better decision on what’s right for me.

So what do you all think? I’m trying to work through all of this with lots of research and planning but I also know eventually I’m going to have to make a concrete decision on whether or not I’m going to transition.

I apologize for the length of this post and I know a lot of these topics have already been covered, but please allow me to be a little self-centered and try to get information based on my individual experiences.

One last question – I know one effect of HRT is decreased libido. With my wife being so supportive we’ve starting making love as two women. I’ve always done this secretly, but now that she knows, our sex life has been amazing. My question is, “decreased libido” means decreased MALE libido, right? Being on female hormones would only serve to INCREASE my female libido, wouldn’t it?

[~Nova~]

Hi Mah,

I don't have a ton of time, so the high points.

I didn't realize what was happening to me until I was in my early 40. I didn't actually realize I was trans until about 2 years ago.

I believe I have a slight form of Aspergers too. I have never been diagnosed as having it and really doesn't matter, I can't change it now. I deal.

I had full body laser, many times. It cost me a small fortune, but I'm glad I did it. I had a lot of hair and now it's almost all gone, just a few dark hairs and a few greys that come off in a second in the shower.

Welcome. Ask all the questions you want, but remember their is no substitute for professional help.

[Guest mah3505]

Thanks for the quick reply. It's nice to already receive encouraging words.

I notice now that I didn't provide a name. Not sure what to go by on here, but I have picked a female name for if I choose to transition. Please feel free to call me Melanie

[Guest Risu]

Hello and welcome Mah!

The standard answer you will receive, as far as where to begin will be to find an experienced Therapist. Preferably a Gender Therapist.

Your mileage may vary with HRT. For me the hair is changing color and density quickly and in quite a few places has already begun to fall out with 7 months HRT.

As far as libido goes, yes, male libido. For me it took about 3 or 4 months but, after the first month of HRT random male arousal had completely stopped. For at least 2 months there was nothing, no desire, no urges and then suddenly it was like my female libido woke up and now I do experience desire, attraction and arousal in a completely different way and this has been pretty persisent since the time it started happening.

Therapy is important and HRT is a powerful tool that really will make you completely female inside and out minus the bits needing any surgical revision. For me there is now no doubt my mind has always been female and my body is steadily becoming so. Be sure to find a therapist thouugh if you have not, someone who can help you really figure out if you're suffering from Gender Dysphoria and if you would benefit from HRT. I suppose we need to wait for your appointment in 2 months and see what they say.

Having some thin hair on top as well I share your pain. The HRT may help thicken the hair on your head and may regrow some hair in thin or bald areas but in my experience it hasn't been enough to deter me from feeling that I need hair transplant surgery. I am thinning mostly in the very front but my hair has never really been thick all the way around. I noticed about a month ago I have quite a lot of regrowth and the hair about 1 inch from my scalp is significantly thicker than the length I've been working on for years but as with all things. Transition related your mileage may vary. You just have to wait and see what you get. If it is a concern speak with your doctor about adding a medical hair care regimen to your HRT regimen. This usually involves using Finasteride instead of Spironolactone and I don't know all the details myself so be sure to ask a doctor.

I would kill to be your height. I am 6'3" and personally I don't feel height has any major significance in passability. Many gorgeous women are over 6' and the most desired models are around your height so no worries there.

Again, welcome! Browse, post enjoy!

*welcome hugs*

~Jade.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I transitioned at age 61 - I am age 64 now, and living as my true self.

Your post is very heartfelt and needs answers, so let me try. I really would like you to get your private messaging privileges (PM) so we can talk. I think I can help you - as much of what you write is very familiar to me. You need 5 posts to be able to do that, which you can get by answering a few times here. We do that to keep the bad guys out and keep this place safe for people like us who really need to support one another. I will try to hit on a few things.

The 'now what?" Our advice is to not try to self diagnose anything. I am not a therapist, for example, but you seem very typially gender dysphoric to me, but a gender dysphoria trained therapist can confirm that..

More in a minute.

Lizzie

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I'll echo Lizzy's one point.......

"Self Diagnosis" is a losing proposition....

Don't give yourself anything until you've seen a professional...they can help you work all of this out...

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest mah3505]

So I should mention that I majored in Psychology in college. I know that self diagnosis can be very dangerous. I absolutely want to see a professional, but like I said, unfortunately I wasn't able to get an appointment until mid-April.

As to whether or not I'm seeing an "experienced" professional - I had no idea where to look and then I saw a clinic close by listed on a wikipedia article I was reading. I visited their website and they seem to be about the most experienced I could hope for. That's probably why I couldn't get an appointment any earlier.

I'm really glad I finally got the courage to post on here. Everyone here is so supportive. Thanks a bunch!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

The first thing that I’ve known since I was in my mid-teens is that I have social anxiety disorder. At that time, I was having panic attacks anytime I knew I had to be around a large group of people (like high school). I also had severe panic attacks when my first girlfriend tried to “put the moves” on me. Still to this day, I would prefer to be alone but I have learned how to cope out of necessity.

Anxiety Disorder is fairly common in gender dysphoria.. Think it through this way, since a child you have never felt like to are what you seem to be. So how would others see you if you acted as you really are? Many of us learn to 'playact.' I did iit for 60 yers and it really hurts to live life like that. But some, like you seem to be, just retreat away from the world. That also is a hard way to live your life.

Even though my closest friend was male, I knew very early on that I preferred the company of females. At least this tells me it has nothing to do with sex since this was well before puberty. I generally really dislike men and don’t get male humor (what’s so funny about farting?) and really don’t get into any type of competition.

That is how I feel.but I have learned a new respect for men now that I am no longer really male. It's strange how we rather be around out 'own kind.' That is why so many of us marry - to be around someone like ourselves --ironic.

In doing all this research, I’ve sort of self-diagnosed myself as also having Asperger’s Syndrome. In reading the characteristics and taking the Adult Asperger Assessment, I am convinced a professional would diagnose me with this. I believe this is why I had so many social problems in elementary school.

Well, it might be 100% gender dysphoria. A therapist can tell you. Self diagnosis isn't good most times.

I include this because I also believe that is what caused me to take 30 years (60 years for me) to reach the discovery that I truly believe I should have been born a female. As a child, I remember at least two situations where I tried to convince people (not peers at school) that I was a girl. Of course, both of those attempts failed because I was physically male.

Okay - let me say this. I am a male bodied female. I am now (but remodeling the body) and I have always been.a male bodied female. I felt like a girl my entire life - but there was no one to tell, that would believe me. So yes 'obviously male' dang it.

At various stages I’ve questioned my gender, but with Asperger’s and the bullying, I did everything I could to not draw attention to myself and to conform to social norms. This means that through out my development, I just sort of accepted that I was male and now have spent the last 30 years learning to act male.

Didn't do too bad I bet, but I bet it just was about the hardest thing to do. Some people were surprised when I told them I was transitioning, but a few, a very few, did not. We are good at playacting because we feel there is no alternative.

So now here I am. I sat down and told my wife that I am a woman and I’ve reached out to another friend and shared this discovery with her as well. Both are being very supportive, but can’t really help me since they don’t know first-hand what I’m going through.

You will discover you cannot ever get understanding - people who are NOT gender dysphoric imply cannot grasp what we are -BUT you can get support.

I have so many questions and just can’t be 100% sure that this is all true and really happening. I think my life would have turned out much differently if I was born a female, but now at this stage of my life, what do I do about it?

When you re-read what you wrote? I think you have already decided to do something about how you feel. So you are sort of answering your own question here.

I think I would be much more comfortable with myself if I could just instantly be a woman, but I am fully aware that that is not possible. I say “I think” because how can I truly know?

Well - again a therapist will help you with that. BUT how can you know? Relax and look into your heart. You heart always knows even when the brain does not.

I realize there are transgendered people out there that have known with no question for their whole lives, but I also know through my research that there are plenty of people who discover this later in life. Part of me wonders if I’m just not happy with my life and am using this as an explanation for why my life has been so difficult. I also have a low self-image and maybe the thought of a physical change is a way to justify why I never liked the way I look.

Yup - a real concern, but think of it this way, why all those early feelings? We here do not advocate transsexuality. It is NOT a life choice, it is a condition we have finally learned to accept. In reality? I hate being transsexual as it pretty much used up my life. BUT I will be happy. I just will. Transitioning, after talking with my therapist, is the right choice for me.

I’ve taken some steps as an experiment to try and find out for sure, but I still have many questions. I started by removing all body hair (and I have a lot of it). I’ve done this a few times in the past, but always felt self-conscious of being seen by someone who knows that I was hairy and let it regrow after just one shave. How would I explain myself?

Nobody really will notice except your wife and she already understands. If you get asked, laugh and say 'I don't like body hair!" It's really your business.

Now I’ve done it, not really caring what anyone thinks and I’ve kept up with it for about a month now. While I like the look and feel of my skin without all this gross body hair, I also have several issues with it. The first issue is the time required to keep up with it. Yes woman have to shave their legs too, but I have to shave my face, torso, and legs (probably arms too, but still too self-conscious of what people would say about that). If I do all of that at one time it takes over an hour. I just don’t have that much available time to spend in the bathroom.

I am not saying it will happen - that you will go on HRT, Your therapist, you and your spouse need to decide on that. BUT HRT will stop all your body hair from growing - you become female patterned.

The second issue is, not matter how I shave there is always noticeable stubble – everywhere. Also, my torso and inner thighs continue to have razor burn and ingrown hairs no matter how I shave. So I like being hairless, but don’t have the time and am not satisfied with the results of shaving.

I depilated when I was still male. But the stubble is a major annoyance untlil the HRT kicks in.

Another step I have taken is that for the first time, I’ve fully committed to cross-dressing. I’ve actually purchased clothing for my size and style. The result is that I know I am more comfortable in female clothing than male. I don’t mean that I want to dress in skirts and dresses all the time. I actually think if I were a woman, I would dress mostly in pants, but would relish the times when dressing up would be appropriate.

Yes - that me. I have lived full time for a year and a half, and actually have no male things anymore. But we trans-women are really lik all women. We are NOT flamboyant. We after all are NOT in drag.

I have set up an appointment at a clinic that specializes in transgendered issues, but it’s still about two months away. This waiting period is driving me insane! That’s why after visiting this site almost every day for a month and reading a lot of the postings, I’ve decided to post myself (first time I’ve ever posted on the internet) and try to get some opinions from those of you in the community. At this point, I really feel like I want to have a body that matches my mind, but the whole transition thing is frightening to say the least and also really expensive.

The whole transitioning thing is both thrilling and terrifying. It's not that expensive really. I am still preop for example, plus there is about a year where you tend to be androgynous. THAT is the hard part - but it is doable. Baby steps - you have to be very very patient.

On the cost of transition – I am the “bread-winner” in the household, making more than twice what my wife makes. We both went to a private college on nothing but student loans, so we have a substantial amount of debt and not much extra money. I work in a male-dominated manufacturing plant where the few women that work here work in traditional female roles (secretaries, human resources, etc.). I don’t think I would be accepted here if I decided to transition and would probably be unemployed for a while. That just doesn’t seem like an option right now. I would also feel extremely selfish using any extra money we may have to make changes to myself.

Yes - that is a usual situation when you transition. I transitioned but did not tell my employer. It takes about a year on HRT before you can no longer hide your body changes. I grew out my hair in a long pony tail. You just do it. It's possible - not easy but possible.

As far as my other fears about transition are concerned – as I stated, I’m sure going full time would almost certainly mean finding a new job, which is not easy right now. I don’t really have to worry about alienating friends since I don’t really have any, but I’m pretty sure my entire family would disown me.

You will not know about you family until it happens. And you will not possibly be able to go full time until your body changes the way you look - and the HRT does that. A 'man in a dress' just wont happen. It is a very slow process and to tell the truth, if you decide to do transition, you become horribly impatient for it to happen.

Also making the switch and going public must be one of the most stressful things ever. I’ve watched some You Tube videos of transitions and I guess you’d reach a certain point on HRT where you feel more like you could pass than before HRT.

Exactly. In fact I went full time after I started getting consistently 'ma'am'ed while in male drab. I was just not a male to people, anymore. So it was time.

More later.

Lizzie

[~Nova~]

You are getting some great answers. I just wanted to say hi to Melanie. So hi Melanie.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Then there are the physical issues. As I already stated, I have a lot of body hair. I would have no problem getting permanent hair removal or waxing or anything else like that except again, the cost factor. I am 5’10”, 160 lbs so my build isn’t absurd for a woman and I would absolutely be motivated to loose some weight during transition so I don’t think my body shape would really be an issue.

I was 6'2" and 236 pounds - I am still 6'2 but I lost the extra weight, I seem to be seen as a woman - tall - but still a woman. I have not been is-gendered by anyone since I went full time - except a few times on the phone, but that is easily fixed. You just correct them!

However, another hair related issue is that I’m pretty thin on top. Although there are no bald patches, it’s thin enough that most people would call me bald. I have always had short hair (right now wear a buzz cut) but love the thought of having my own long, feminine hair. Just thinking about tucking it behind my ear seems so natural.

My profile picture shows my actual hair. But I was fortunate in not having much thining. There is a partial top hairpiece with bangs women use. It works well.

I also have a pretty deep, masculine voice. I’ve started practicing feminizing my voice by raising the Adam’s apple and I think I could eventually be pretty convincing but it would require a lot more work to prevent being read. I know most transgendered people fear being read, but with social anxiety disorder, it’s even more frightening for me.

Voice training takes at least a year to get down. I wish my voice was better, but it works fine. The adam's apple? I can't say. If tou need a trachea shave that is how to fix that. I didn't and my two roommates didn't.

But being terrified of being outed? I comes down to the fact you rather be seen as a feak, that to suffer as a male anymore. Suddenly you discover, for whatever reason, if you think and act as yourself, the woman you really are, no one challenges it. You find out all those fears were groundless. It's a good reason to stay with us here. We can help you with that.

Reading about the effects of HRT, I’m convinced this is something I want to pursue as it would help to make me look and feel (mentally and physically) more feminine, but that also means committing to eventually going full time. I absolutely want to go full time, but again, the transition period is just such a scary thought for me.

One year of being a bit awkward - then your entire life afterward as yourself! It is doable.

I've wondered if I could do HRT and never go full time but every time I’ve seen someone suggest that, they seem to get knocked down as not being ready for HRT yet. Maybe that’s true, but transitioning would be a whole lot less stressful for me if I could do it privately and then when I’m ready start venturing out in public as a woman but all the while still holding my job and talking to family as a man. I guess after years on HRT, letting my hair grow out and adapting female characteristics, people would start to figure it out and who knows, maybe my job and family would be accepting.

I think people criticize is because some who may not be diagnosed transsexual wish to use HRT. HRT is life chnging and rather permanent. I never recommend it for people who do not want to totally transition. But your therapist will manage that.

I also know part of my confusion with all of this is that I’m still thinking with my male, testosterone influenced mind. I think my plan right now when I go to this clinic (who adopt an informed-consent model) would be to give HRT a trial run. I think 6 months of HRT would let my mind think more clearly and start to show me some of the physical changes without anything really permanent allowing me to make a better decision on what’s right for me.

That would be your call. It seems this is becoming more routine. BUT six months would be the limit. I had fully developed B cup breasts after 6 months - but I had a quick response.

So what do you all think? I’m trying to work through all of this with lots of research and planning but I also know eventually I’m going to have to make a concrete decision on whether or not I’m going to transition.

One last question – I know one effect of HRT is decreased libido. With my wife being so supportive we’ve starting making love as two women. I’ve always done this secretly, but now that she knows, our sex life has been amazing. My question is, “decreased libido” means decreased MALE libido, right? Being on female hormones would only serve to INCREASE my female libido, wouldn’t it?

Not exactly - No male erections after a few months on HRT. My libido became totally female - I enjoy sex but I never think to initiate it.

Lizzie

[Guest mah3505]

Wow. Lizzie, thanks so much. Your personal insight is very helpful.

Think it through this way, since a child you have never felt like you are what you seem to be. So how would others see you if you acted as you really are? Many of us learn to 'playact.'

Exactly! I've never felt like I could be myself except with maybe 4 people my entire life. Thankfully, my wife is one of them. I've made sure since this discovery that she knows that's how I feel and that there's no one I feel more comfortable with.

Self diagnosis isn't good most times

I know, I know. First rule-of-thumb when you're a psychology student.

We are good at playacting because we feel there is no alternative

This brings up another question I have. Being female in your mind certainly doesn't translate to being physically female. With having to learn knew mannerisms and speech patterns and what not, don't you also feel like you're "playing" the role of a woman? I guess with time, you stop playing and just start being. Just something I've thought about since I started practicing some of these things.

Relax and look into your heart. You heart always knows even when the brain does not.

Well I guess in that case, I can change the title of this post to 100% trans, because I know that's how I feel. Guess I just still don't know for sure what the end result will be.

I hate being transsexual

I love this statement. I don't want to be transsexual! I just want to be a woman.

BUT HRT will stop all your body hair from growing - you become female patterned.

One of the many advantages of HRT that make it seem like a no-brainer to me. If it could be done boobless, I wouldn't even be posting on here because I probably could still pass as a male when I need to, but be female when I want to be. However, breasts are part of the experience and I wouldn't do it without them.

I depilated when I was still male.

Tried Nair once and it irritated my skin really bad.

We are NOT flamboyant. We after all are NOT in drag.

I'm really into cars and probably will be even after transition. If I were born a female, I don't think I would have been a tom-boy, but I definitely wouldn't have been the most feminine, pink-wearing girl ever.

It's not that expensive really.

That's encouraging, but I just don't know. I think I would need electrolysis on my face and I've read that that can be the most expensive part. As far as SRS, I'm not disgusted by my genitals and my sex life with my wife is pretty good, so I don't know that I would even go down that path. I think with a little fat redistribution, my body would be perfectly passable so I don't think I would need FFS or implants, either. So I guess I'm looking at electrolysis, hormones for the rest of my life and maybe hair transplants or something. Oh, I've also decided after all these years to get braces (I wonder if I can get the orthodontist to try to make my mouth, jaw line, etc more feminine).

I transitioned but did not tell my employer. It takes about a year on HRT before you can no longer hide your body changes.

So do you still have the same job, or did you have to move on?

You will not know about you family until it happens.

Well, I grew up in a rural area and my whole family is religious. I kind of breached the topic with my mother already and she seems to be of the opinion that there is something wrong and unholy about people like us and that professional help should be sought to remove these thoughts and desires. So I'm not holding out a lot of hope there. My wife's family...well we live close to them and I'm just not sure how they'd take it. They might be accepting, but it's hard to say. At least my family is relatively far away and I'm not that close to them anyway.

Exactly. In fact I went full time after I started getting consistently 'ma'am'ed while in male drab. I was just not a male to people, anymore. So it was time.

Wow. How long did that take? (Yes I know mileage varies). I imagined it would always be an effort to be passable. I didn't even consider it would get to the point were people just looked at you and assumed you were female without female clothing and make-up.

[Guest mah3505]

Voice training takes at least a year to get down. I wish my voice was better, but it works fine. The adam's apple? I can't say. If tou need a trachea shave that is how to fix that. I didn't and my two roommates didn't.

I fear that the voice would be the hardest part. Probably the part that requires the most effort on my part. Not really worried about my Adam's apple since it's not really noticeable now. What I was talking about was the technique of being able to raise your voice box for the purpose of feminizing your voice. I didn't think that was really possible at first, but when I felt my neck while doing my male and female voice, sure enough it moves up.

I comes down to the fact you rather be seen as a feak, that to suffer as a male anymore

Ah, one thing I forgot to mention. If I absolutely could not go through with a transition - well it would hurt and I probably would think about it for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't kill myself. So would I rather be seen as a freak or a male - I would probably go with male. I'd rather be seen as female though.

Suddenly you discover, for whatever reason, if you think and act as yourself, the woman you really are, no one challenges it.

And that's what I hope for. Hopefully, one day this is not a dominate thing in my life and I just am Melanie. I think I can get there eventually.

One year of being a bit awkward - then your entire life afterward as yourself!

Eh, most of my life has felt awkward, so no biggie.

I had fully developed B cup breasts after 6 months

Yikes! Like I said in my previous post, the breast are the biggest sticking point for me right now. Yeah, as a woman I would want my own breasts but I guess that kind of limits the amount of experimentation one can do before you're fully committed. After all, once they start to grow, you can't expect to go swimming topless (as a man) anymore, can you?

[Guest mah3505]

Hi Autumn! BTW, I think you look amazing and can only hope to look that good on the other side! Would it be inappropriate to ask - is that just HRT, or did you do anything else?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

This brings up another question I have. Being female in your mind certainly doesn't translate to being physically female. With having to learn knew mannerisms and speech patterns and what not, don't you also feel like you're "playing" the role of a woman? I guess with time, you stop playing and just start being. Just something I've thought about since I started practicing some of these things.

Well, most of us are already what we are inside and we just tapvinto it like a natural woman does. You really don't play the part of a woman - you don't have to. It was absolutely amazing how that happened for me - I already had everything I needed.. Of course, we missed our girlhood and all our female friends to experiment with as teenagers. But your wife can help with little hints on hair care and makeup. It comes very naturally.

Physical changes are real on HRT. I have been on HRT for 3 years and two months.

{Deleted photo - EK}

I won't keep this photo up long (I hate it) but here is me after 1 week HRT

Here is me today at Mardi Gras - age 64

Lizzie

[Guest mah3505]

That is quite a dramatic change! I really appreciate you showing me the difference, I know it's difficult for you to show your "before" pictures.

[Guest mah3505]

I think I'm still thinking about this as an overnight transition. Starting HRT will not make me a woman overnight. I think I have to keep reminding myself that as the HRT helps me transition physically, I'll be transitioning my mannerisms and what not as well.

I still want someone to tell me that this is the right thing to do and then I want that magic switch to appear to let me be a woman instantly and live as if I've always been a woman. We can all have dreams, right?

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I still want someone to tell me that this is the right thing to do and then I want that magic switch to appear to let me be a woman instantly and live as if I've always been a woman. We can all have dreams, right?

PLEASE let us in on all this Magic if you find it - sigh.

Lizzie

[Guest Joni Hayes]

I know most transgendered people fear being read, but with social anxiety disorder, it’s even more frightening for me.

Honey, I love being seen as girl.

But I'll take being seen as a transwoman

or a freak,

anyday.

Over being a man.

with the ingrown hair and problems with shaving, I would recommend buying maybe the Braun Silk-epil 7 wet and dry epilator.

I find epilatoring my legs, arms, chest and other sundry bits, really works, but with all things follow this tip

If your going to shave youor legs, have a nice long bath, then at the end of the bath shave your legs, then pat them dry and apply moisturiser then in then the next day exfoliate your legs or arms, which you did.

If you epilate, then after epilating, exfoliate your skin and then apply moisturiser, and keep this up as a daily habit. (I epilate watching the morning news, though not as much since HRT and I'm only 2 weeks in)

just one more thought I have heard alot.

If you think your trans, there is a 90% chance you are.

for cisgendered people this is not a question they would remotely consider,

which is why most of them can never grasp it.

everything else has been fantastically said by Elizabeth K.

though I missed the before pic (not that it matters).

your georgeous Lizzie.

xxx

Joni H