A bit about myself

[Guest Elielyn]

My legal name is Steven, but ever since I was young I felt there was something wrong with the name and the role I was given in life. My earliest memory of having issues with my gender was when I was 5 when I walked in on my female cousin going to the bathroom, I remember asking my mom later that night “mom why doesn’t she have what I have” and my mom responding cause she was a girl, to which I responded “then why do I have one”. My mom kind of passed it off as I was too young to know the difference of sexes. But I knew clearly that I was different from the boys, after this event honestly I started hating my bottom half more and more. It got to the point where I refused to look or touch anything below my waist.

When I was a kid it was normal for me to be around girls my age opposed to boys, I was never much into sports and rough-housing, I was mostly into singing, playing house and tag, and using my imagination to come up with games to play with my friends. My best friend when I was a kid was my cousin Laura who was around my age, I would stay over at her house frequently until I had to move. Moving was very hard on me, I was at the age where it was starting to become harder for me to make friends with girls my age, but I somehow managed to make three friends when I moved and played with them on the playground. Unfortunately it was also at the age where I was treated weird for only playing with girls, I was picked on because of this which I never understood when I was a kid.

I remember being a kid getting scolded a lot for doing anything not normal for a boy to do, I would sit down to pee, and it got to the point my parents would yell at me, they told me I should stand up, so I did, but I refused to touch the little monster down south so then I got yelled at for years for peeing on the floor or toilet seat. Every night for years the first thought I had when I woke up was wishing I would become a girl, and the last thing at night would be the same thought (this still continues to this day) when I was little I used to think if I ritualistically wished 100 days in a row that I wanted to be a girl I would wake up and be one. But obviously that didn’t happen. My first experience cross-dressing was when I was 9, my cousins had given some clothes for us to sell in a garage sale, and I secretly snuck out daily till they took what clothes didn’t sell back to try them on.

When I was a teenager I watched the girls mature with obviously my body just remaining the same gross vessel for my soul. I remember watching girls in high school with envy.

Recently around the time of my 26^th birthday I had kind of accepted the fact that I may never be a woman, and that actually sent me into depression along with other things in my life, and I came out with the fact I wanted to be a woman to my parents, and they jus t passed it off as being on meds, but I was serious. Till recently this month I came out to them again, telling them that my depression had passed and obviously the thoughts had not. My mom was very sarcastic about my confession, the first thing she said was that I would make one ugly donkey woman. I told her since childhood I had been disgusted with the genitalia I had been given, and that I was going to start seeing a therapist about my gender dysphoria, she just said well you’re a virgin and your attracted to women, so you can’t be transgender, its not normal for someone to not show any signs since childhood. I have been thinking about this for years and im hoping for some guidance from anyone that has gone through anything similar. Currently I am going to school but am unemployed, and living with my parents. But being my parents aren’t very supportive I feel like im risking homelessness by taking any steps to transition, and I don’t know what else to do. Only steps I have made is picking out a name and started shaving, and I started seeing a gender therapist

[MaryEllen]

Hello Elielyn,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You are really in the right place and we are here to talk with you.

What you wrote clearly seems to be that gender dysphoria so many of us have suffered. Of course we are not therapists so all we can really do is support you, answer questions, and relate some of our own experiences. As we do with all who come here as the start of their journey of self discovery, the best way to begin is to find and develop a relation with a gender dysphoria trained therapist. Unfortunately, you may not be in a position to do so, but eventually you will need to.

And if you do get diagnosed gender dysphoric, it can be several things. If transsexual , you may be offered options that include transitioning. It is usually a last resort, something to help remove depression and sadness in your life. But I will put out this advice - transitioning is the hardest thing that you would ever have to do.

But I am ahead of myself. Come on in and meet people like yourself - many who are quite gender diverse.

Again

Welcome

Lizzie

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Elielyn and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

Thank you for the great introduction and your early years sound a lot like mine when I was a young child. You will find a lot of others here who have experienced the same things. It can be hard when you are living at home and have parents who do not support you. Have you thought about goals of getting out on your own so you can proceed? Seeing a gender therapist is a great first step.

If you have not done so already, we do ask that members read the terms and conditions so that you can see how we operate here on the forums. There is a link to them on the bottom right side of each page.

Looking forward to seeing your posts.

Mia

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh yes - I wanted to mention, you may want to drop the guy name and use your chosen name. Many here do that but there is no rule on it.

Lizzie

[Guest Elielyn]

Will do, Ellie is my chosen name, not really sure whats behind it but i have always liked the name

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

HI Elielyn,

Welcome to Laura's!

Thanks so much for sharing some of your story with us.

I just do not understand why people (including parents) believe that if they happen to have known nothing about one's innermost struggles regarding gender identity (and other matters), their ignorance of such is somehow proof that the individual reporting her/his own experience is somehow mistaken? Wow! (I know some of this is "denial" on their parts, but still, their statements to this effect... seem so very, very... arrogant to me!)

Elielyn, I am sure you will find friendship and support here as you explore more about yourself and about your path within your own life!

Hope to see you around!

Brad

[Guest Elielyn]

Thanks for the warm welcome, I appreciate getting support from somewhere, been hard holding it in all these years and pretending i'm someone I am not, remembering back in the hospital when one of the questions was what we like about ourselves and all i could ans is that i have pretty eyes, and that i was creative. And although i want my parents to accept me i have considered moving out asap as a scenario so i can live alone and find myself, but I gotta get a job before that

Ellie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Steven,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna