Is this normal?

[Guest Shelby32]

Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum but Im finding myself quickly growing attached to the great community you have here.

I have been struggling with my gender identity for most of my short life, I'm 23 years old and in the Marine Corps. The only way I know to explain my feelings is by explaining my life and I would hope someone on here has been through similar things.

Ever since I was small, I've wanted to be a girl, I can remember being 7 years old and praying to God to change me. I remember pondering why God put us in our current bodies and not another one. One of my best friends was a girl, I'd go to her house and we'd play house and play with her Barbies, I had a ton of fun. Around this time I started occasionally wearing girls clothing.

I wanted a baby doll but my parents got very scary when they were mad so I had a bunch of stuffed animals that I imagined were my kids. Sounds pretty girly I know, but I also enjoyed some guy things like playing cowboys with my dad etc..

As I got a little bit older, I started dressing as much as possible and having crushes on both guys and girls. I would fake being sick to stay home and dress like a girl all day, I'd look at outfits and catalogs that I wanted to buy. I was also very depressed about my gender and routinely got a knife to cut off my genitilia, but could never go through with it. I was also pretty suicidal about my gender too, I couldn't imagine living as a man. I was saving constantly for surgery when I turned 18.

At one point when I was 16, I started taking hormones from my mom without her knowing, eventually I noticed what I thought was my face rounding out and I freaked out. I thought people were going to notice and I still lived with my parents and I didn't want to get made fun of.

So I began trying to be a man, I started playing guitar and jamming with heavy metal groups but still struggled constantly on the inside. At 19 I started snorting oxycodone everytime these feelings came about. I got addicted and started pawning stuff to feed my habit.

Eventually my family got involved and I got cleaned up and joined the marine corps because I figured they'd turn me into a man. I felt good for awhile but eventually I had to come to terms with me being gay. Im not attracted to women in the slightest bit.

But all these gender problems were coming back and I started seeing a therapist secretly. But the problem is the marine corps made me realize a part in me I never had.. To compete, to be a strong person, physically and mentally.. Yet I still have this feeling I was supposed to be a girl but lately I've gotten so much empowerment and independence and I just have been having 2nd thoughts.

I came out to my friend back home and she was so accepting, but I am just worried about making a mistake. I love doing girly things, but it's hard for me to be as emotional as I was before the corps after spending 4 nights with no food sitting in a fox hole I dug out freezing my derrierre off. Or hiking with a 90 pound pack on my back. Im afraid I won't be able to adjust..

Is this normal to be having 2nd thoughts like this? In my heart I am a girl, I know it.. But I just don't want to make a mistake!

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

HI Shelby!

Welcome to Laura's!

Thanks, too, for serving our country!

Thanks for sharing a part of your story. You have been through quite a bit with all of this!

You wrote:

"Is this normal to be having 2nd thoughts like this? In my heart I am a girl, I know it.. But I just don't want to make a mistake! "

Okay, Shelby, slow it all down to be sure you do not make a mistake!

Is there a reason you cannot take more time with this?

I am glad you are seeing a Gender Therapist!

It's imperative you take time, are thorough with your Gender Therapist, and do not make a mistake.

Many people go through periods of having some second thoughts. When having second thoughts, it is time to not do anything that might be irreversible. It is important to take your time and to be more sure of what you want to do and how you want to go about any changes, if you ultimately decide to make any changes in your life.

Easy does it!

Keep us updated?

Brad

[Guest Shelby32]

Thank you Brad!

I was talking to my friend about shopping when I go to take leave and I think I narrowed my concerns down to passing. I don't want to be a man in a dress but I think I realized this is a gift.

I can work on my voice, my walk, mannerisms, make-up so when I do come out.. Its an easier transition as oppose to doing it all at once, perhaps it'll be easier!

[Guest Brianna_Denise]

Hi Shelby!! You should have no shame on how u truly feel. Thats how i feel also, but i know its hard, but try to keep your chin up.