Stuck

[Guest savagedm]

In advance, I couldn't really find an appropriate place for all of this so I figured here was a good start. I woke up 4 hours early this morning with a deep and unexplainable compulsion to write. I had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to say it, but something inside just told me to write and that I didn't have to worry about all of that. What came out was a piece I am fairly pleased with and honestly it is how many of us feel every day I am sure. This is a glimpse into my life so be gentle

I call it Stuck:

Picture for a moment if you will: a young man who is in his last year as an undergraduate in college. He is going to be entering law school within the next year or so and is currently a well respected officer within his fraternity. His GPA and test scores place him in the top percentile of his peers. He has attained international recognition by the United Nations for his ability in the realm of politics and oratory. He has a girlfriend whom he loves that everyone is certain he will one day marry. His hopes and dreams are to one day be a politician and retire a judge or professor. Quite the picturesque life ready and waiting for him is it not?

Now picture this same young man on a deeper and more spiritual level. When examining his soul, one quickly realizes that all of these potential prospects and accomplishments mean next to nothing to him. To him, he is living a lie because of the love he has for others he cares for. He has had to cage a burning compulsion within when it became clear to him that attempting to satiate it would mean the end of most, if not all of his dreams. He wants kids, someone to grow old with, a career spoken of earlier. However, the one thing which has been a lynchpin to him his whole life, which he has observed destroying the same kinds of dreams and futures for others like himself, is something far deeper and more painful than most people would ever comprehend. See, society punishes what they do not understand. This is my life at present.

When I initially tried to break free of my chains, I had to force myself back into hiding if you will because the pain caused to my mother by this new “life choice” of mine was slowly but undoubtedly and quite literally killing her. When I tried to liberate my spirit from my own prison, it quickly placed her in a prison of depression. Her willful ignorance and outright anger towards the whole thing caused me an even deeper pain inside which outweighed my own sense of identity and forced me to go back to living my “normal” life if only to simply make it stop. I refuse to be the instrument of her own demise, despite it stemming from her refusal to gain a true understanding of me and who I am. There are many in my life that are aware of and sympathize with what I am experiencing. Few of them actually understand it, and even less actively try to support me. What this all is, is that I am living with a unique and excruciatingly troublesome burden. My soul, the very essence of my being some would say, is not that of a strong young man ready to take on the world. But truly, it is that of a confused and scared young woman, who desperately wants out. But she knows it is simply not possible.

How could I explain to my family that my decision to forego transitioning, at least for the moment, does not mean that my soul has now quieted? How could they understand that when I decided to attempt this “normal” life, it was not through anything of my own desire, but because of the guilt they brought down upon my shoulders? How could I explain to my mother that she was the principle cause of my decision? That while she now is secure in her own little image of an ideal life, that to save her life and give her this, it is slowly and very painfully draining mine. I have finally realized what it truly means to be an empty vessel. I live from day to day, racking up life achievements as easily as if they were one of my Xbox 360 videogames. I, for the most part, understand how people think, say what they say, and do what they do. We are truly a boring and stupid race; small in mind and large in ego. Those of us who dare try to part ways from this norm are thrown into a system which is specifically designed to quickly suppress any deviation from the norm on one hand. Then, after one is beaten and broken, offer some small and insignificant measure of recourse then claim to celebrate everyone’s freedom and diversity on the other. When I observed this, all I could think was what hypocrites we all are. I feel like a caged lion. These simple musings, scratched out randomly on paper and later transcribed to type, are my only real glimpses of freedom. People like me have never done well in cages, always trying to break free. The only thing stopping me now is fear and love. I am the only one who possesses the strength of will to stop myself from doing this. But how long till I no longer desire to withhold it all? This is indeed a very scary and real thought I face every moment of every day. If people knew this side of me, many would fall victim to their own ignorance and see me as a freak of a sexual deviant. These same people are, to me, no harder to figure out than a simple slide puzzle. While this may well seem like my own ignorance speaking, it is actually first-hand experience. What I have observed is that these same people meet something as taboo as gender confusion with fear and revulsion. However, if one were to give them a glimpse into the pain and guilt we are caused by this aspect of us we have as much control over as the rain, these now “enlightened” individuals suddenly are supportive but unsure as to how. Why do I, and many like me carry this weight and how can we shed it? Truly only God must know.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Savagedm.....

I'll be gentle............that was totally heart wrenching.....oh my, that made me shiver all over, feeling the pain and darkness with you....how awful. You don't have to carry this weight alone, though, its half as heavy if you share it with others and thank you for that. I and many others here will agree that this is one hell of a heavy load with sometimes no end in sight. Some are able to move ahead and others slowly wilt inside.......no one has asked for this, it was given early on to us by God or the gods or Mother nature or maybe just some huge cosmic joke that none of us gets.

Thank you again for sharing with us and maybe we can all help each other during our long journey.

Keep your head up.

Love

Donna Jean