Figured Out a Piece of the Puzzle

[JenniferB]

This post is more for the transsexuals who didn't realize they were trans until much later in life. Try examining yourself when you were young, including those feelings you took for granted.

I was talking to my neighbor, who has always seen me as a woman, about why I hadn't realized I was trans until age 50. I told her about how I never wanted to force myself on someone when I wanted to be in a relationship. I then mentioned I used to play basketball in high school, and even though I was very competitive and wanted to win, I would congratulate an opposing player when they made a good play. I then told my neighbor when I became emotional about something, it would happen quickly and be forgotten almost as fast. Plus I always cared about the people around me, almost more than myself. I've always cared a lot about other people's feelings. She told me these are very feminine traits.

This ties everything back to my childhood. I'm surprised I never really thought of looking at it this way before. I think this is what my GT saw in me that I had not been able to piece together myself until recently.

The last thing I need to figure out is why didn't I feel GD until recently. I knew I was very different than others in a strange way but could never put my finger on it. All I can think of is that I was lucky enough to grow up in a very caring and nurturing environment. I was fortunate enough to have a great childhood so never questioned myself about my gender identity. Of course I lived in a time people didn't question their gender because that was something few people knew about.

Jenny

[Guest MiraJ]

WOW...thats pretty deep.

I then told my neighbor when I became emotional about something, it would happen quickly and be forgotten almost as fast. Plus I always cared about the people around me, almost more than myself. I've always cared a lot about other people's feelings. She told me these are very feminine traits.

To that day i have always been like that...exactly like that, too.

That helps me a little more to find answers.

Much love

Mira

[Guest Krisina]

I've been a sensitive sole all my life when m are supposed to be strong and not show emotions, that's not me.

Krisina

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Jen

I was just about like you were. My childhood was good. But there was always something 'off' and I knew I should have been born a girl. Actually I thought many guys felt that way, and many girls felt the other way, but we couldn't talk about it. I was so naive, that when I joined Laura's Playground - me at age 61 - I thought there were maybe seven to ten thousand transpeople in the USA. Wow - was that ever wrong.

We just didn't know enough until the internet came into being.

Lizzie

[Guest Krisina]

What ever did we do before the internet, the microwave, the smart phone etc. How was it all possible! lol. And yet it was simpler in ways too.

The internet has made a huge difference in knowledge and communication.

Krisina

[~Nova~]

Actually I thought ALL guys felt that way.

Lizzie

A slight change in the bold, but that is the way I thought about it my whole life. I thought, obviously mistaken, that the attraction between men and women was the desire to be the other person/gender. I later realized that sexual attraction was not a desire to be the other person, but a true desire.

For me, I had sex so I could fantasize that I was her. I would do to her what I wanted done to me.

So naive!

[Guest rikkicd64]

Actually I thought ALL guys felt that way.

Lizzie

A slight change in the bold, but that is the way I thought about it my whole life. I thought, obviously mistaken, that the attraction between men and women was the desire to be the other person/gender. I later realized that sexual attraction was not a desire to be the other person, but a true desire.

For me, I had sex so I could fantasize that I was her. I would do to her what I wanted done to me.

So naive!

Wow Autunm,I done the same thing all my life,I would do to the woman that I was in a relationship with what I wanted done to me,no wonder all my relationships failed.Glad you brought this out,helps me to see myself better.By the way,looking at your pics,you are a very beautiful woman.

Rikki...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

If my three children EVER realized they were conceived by me having an imagined female orgasm, they might not be so nice to me.

We transsexual are such complex creatures!

Lizzy

[Guest erinanita]

I'm 61 yo and I just had my surgery. I didn't actually know for sure until I was my early fifties that wanted to transition. When I was in my thirties I gave it some thought but I never had enough confidence to talk to my general practitioner about it. If I had taken testosterone before I was in my fifties and forced to take it to become a man I would have known for sure that I was actually female. But that's okay. Today is the first day of my transformation and the rest of my life.

thtufus

[Guest BeccaC]

If my three children EVER realized they were conceived by me having an imagined female orgasm, they might not be so nice to me.

We transsexual are such complex creatures!

Lizzy

Oh MY!!! I haven't laughed that hard in awhile... THANK YOU... That would totally freak my three daughters out to no end...

Becca

[Guest ZoeG360]

Yes, we are complex. For me, to know that there are so many here that are in my age group is soooo comforting. Last year I was actually starting to panic that I had waited to long to deal with this. I turn 60 at the end of this year and the realization I was running out of time weighed heavily on me.

But to your point Jennifer, (which is awesome as usual) I have journeyed back into the past many times looking for THE answer (unsuccessfully) but never with the perspective of how I related to people around me.

I do know that caring for others brought me trouble because it wasn't a guy thing to do. But my softer side showed through, even my current spouse told me that she always thought there was something softer, more feminine about me that she couldn't quite put her finger on until recently.

One of my biggest regrets was all the time I spent medicating my feelings with alcohol and other stuff which made it difficult to remember how I really related to people or whether it was even genuine or not.

This disadvantage of coming at this with so much history (a PC term for age!) is that there are so many scenarios and so many situations that it is hard to untangle it with simple answers. Throw that on top of us being complex people to start with.......

Makes my head spin.

Zoe