Am I bi gender / transsexual / transgenderist ?

[Guest mist]

Hi everyone! I've been thinking about what I am for years and it's tearing me apart. Any advice at all would be extremely helpful

Childhood:

I have a memory of wanting to dress in girls clothes when I was three.

I started to dress in women's clothes when I was 5. Almost every night I went to bed in one of my mom's nightgowns. It made me feel peaceful and helped me sleep better. I wished to wakeup as a girl, while in bed at night. I did this maybe for a few years until my mom confronted me about it. Then it became periodically, not daily.

However in school I was one of the boys, and had much more guy friends than girls. I don't remember feeling like a girl in a boy's body. I do remember having jealousy/anger issues towards girls in general in elementary school.

My father was a hypermasculine figure, and made sure I do everything a boy should do. Manerisms, speech, hobbies, thoughts, etc.

Teenage years :

My dressing didn't become sexual until I was around 12. In my teenage years, I didn't fantasize about having sex with girls. My sexual fantasies were either being forced to crossdress / forced into a sex change by girls I found attractive.

When I was 13 I planned to get a sex change after graduating from high school. But this urge seemed purely sexual? Later I decided I couldn't go through with a sex change because of my family.

To get a feminine body I tried alcohol, starving myself, eating these "woman nutrition" chocolates my mom ate (I thought related to hormones).

When I was 16 I watched a video of myself crossdressed. It was one of the worst feelings. My shoulders/muscles were larger and my face looked so masculine. I realized I could no longer pass as a girl

Sometimes then, and even lately, I had a urge to break my facial bones and rearrange them to look more feminine :/

College and now: (I'm 22)

Luckily I got decent at makeup and learned how to contour away my male facial features. If it wasn't for makeup, I wonder if I would have gotten ffs already.

I managed to find a few accepting gg friends and girlfriends. Now my sexual fantasies are mostly lesbian sex. My happiest times was when I dated a girl who viewed me as a girl

I also have thoughts of being a woman in a non sexual way. I think about friends, family, and society accepting me as a woman.

Fantasies of being forced to crossdress/sex change have decreased. But these old fantasies come back during periods when I don't crossdress for a while, or sometimes I use these thoughts to give me motivation to dress. If I sexually relieve myself while thinking about forced feminization, I lose almost all of my feelings to be a girl for a few minutes. (If I sexually relieve myself in other situations, the transgender feelings decrease but don't go away)

I used to hate (cried once) to have my male part touched while being intimate (while crossdressed), but slowly came around and maybe can get used to it in the future.

While being intimate (female mode), I need to keep certain clothes on (bra+padding) because I feel inadequate without breasts.

In guy mode I don't mind being naked, but sex as a guy isn't so enjoyable.

I dislike my long arms, big hands, broad shoulders, narrow hips.

While crossdressed, my hate for my masculine face and body multiplies

I think in an ideal world I could change into a woman with no risk, and be completely accepted by my family and society. But I wonder if I would regret a sex change.

I also think if I had a wife who completely views +treats me as a woman, then hormones or ffs wouldn't be necessary.

I think its really sad I need to hide this side (maybe the real me) from my family, and they may never get to know. But, they would devastated if they found about my transgender feelings.

Do you think I am a transsexual / transgenderist / bigender? Has anyone had similar experiences to me? My plan as of now is to live as a female as much as possible (besides work, seeing family), but not get ffs/hrt. But the more I live in drag, the more depressed I get that I'm not really a women yet. I do also enjoy being a guy sometimes.

[Guest Mikkiapolis]

Hi mist,

I'm new here too, but wanted to respond to your post. I can relate to a lot of it - not feeling in the wrong gender body; feeling jealous of girls; TS fantasies and sexualizing it; enjoying lesbian sex; wanting to being in the world as a woman; and more.

As I'm starting my journey, I'm also struggling with things you wrote about: fear of family reaction, worry about regrets of SRS, etc.

I do have a wife who loves my emerging feminine side, but that doesn't fix everything. I still have my feelings about myself (who I feel I am), my body (something's not right), and my world (being a woman in society). I might challenge you to ponder if even your ideal relationship would eliminate these other issues for you.

Reading more posts here is a good idea. A common recommendation is to talk to a counselor or therapist, which I personally recommend. Especially if you can find one near you that specializes in TG/TS issues. I am lucky to have access to some great resources in my area - have you looked near you?

I wish I had more experience to be able to at least ask you some guiding questions. One easy place to start might be your genitals (so to speak). If you feel you would regret a sex change and wouldn't consider SRS, then that rules out being a transsexual.

Best wishes to you on your journey. I hope it helps to at least know you're not alone and that people care. <hug>

-- Mikkiapolis