Mother In Law Help

[Guest Sofiadragon]

I am having trouble w/ what I am going to do about my mother in law 'cause she lives below my wife & I & sometimes it is a pain to avoid the woman (neither of us can stand her) I am also having trouble about thinking of how to let her (IE the mother in law) know about me being transgender I am honestly thinking about taking her w/ to a therapist appointment (after I start seeing one that is lol) & having the therapist talk to her about it 'cause my mother in law isn't the broghtest lightbulb in the box, but I don't know how well that, that would go over. Any ideas on that field would be helpful

[Guest julia_d]

hehehehehe.. sorry.. I had a mother in law once, and a real monster from the nightmares at that.

I'm thinking of all the evil tricks I would play, like swapping roles with my partner for a while or checking my passability on the stairs.. All that kind of stuff without openly confronting her.

What would be your ultimate result with this woman who you admit you both hate? A slammed door and no more hassle? Probably too good to be true but possibly fun trying for. I'm assuming that being shut of her would be seen by you as a good result? If not I apologise.. I'm just being my usual prankster self.

Do you feel wicked?

[Guest Sofiadragon]

Well the thing is, is that we do hate her but if she would just grow up & stop acting like a know it all 10 year old then our thoughts about her would change 'cause she is in her mid 40's & she acts like she is still in elementry school & it is really annoying but if she would just grow up & actually act like an adult then we wouldn't want to beat her to death all of the time, here is an example: we went down stairs to visit her & she was apparently watching the show heroes & the first thinng that she says is "hurry up my favorite show is on" there wasn't a hello in there untill we were out in the living room. That is very childish if you ask me 'cause I mean come on it is a TV show you can see it again later if there is anything that you missed & they also have recaps on there website so that is why I don't know what to do w/ her.

[Guest Sofiadragon]

I would also like to add that I recently found out that my mother in law is a hypocryte that hates any kind of person that isn't straight, IE people of the LGBT community so now I know that I am in serrious hot water w/ her when it comes to this so I really need some help ASAP.

[Guest Rayne]

I would also like to add that I recently found out that my mother in law is a hypocryte that hates any kind of person that isn't straight, IE people of the LGBT community so now I know that I am in serrious hot water w/ her when it comes to this so I really need some help ASAP.

I have a mother in law that bragged about how well she liked gay people and how all her room mates in college were gay and she watches queer eye for the straight guy....

Then she found out I was a TS and hit the roof.

I guess it's easy to be tolerant so long as you're expecting it from someone else.

You're trying to soften the blow but there is really no way to do that. Granted, there are better ways than others, but in the end you're going to have to end up saying the words, "I'm changing genders". Tell her you're in therapy, and it will help if your wife tells her she's ok with it.

Do it dressed as a man, by the way. Showing up in a broomstick and heels is not a good idea.

Realize that people are going to react the way they're going to react and you can't change that.

[Guest julia_d]

That is all so true.. It has been my experience that the people who make the biggest deal about how "OK" they are with it are actually the ones who can't handle it.

I'm a little puzzled by why you are letting this become such a big deal. It's not like she has any say in what you decide to do with your life.

I did all my changing away from my family, and when that awkward impossible to wriggle out of family event happened.. my sisters wedding.. I didn't have any of my old identity clothes, and I certainly wasn't going to buy any just for a wedding... So I did my usual vamp performance.. dress for a funeral and turn up.. Morticia Addams personified. It took my other the whole service and half the reception to recognise me.. we had a few words, she was upset and I was very "whatever".. and that was that. She spoke to my father, he tried to buy me a drink but as I was very well known to the barman he wouldn't take his money (hilarious) and didn't even bother with the lecture that I guess he had been ordered to dish out.

Funny thing was.. after that I never heard from my family again until my mothers funeral. Same performance except much less family.. just my horrid sister and her money grabbing husband. As he was generally hated it fell on me to deal with my mothers friends who turned up.. That was fun. I enjoyed seeing some old faces. Didn't get invited to the bash afterwards tho.. I wonder why that was.

So.. My experience with family is.. They have to put up or shut up. No half measures. It's your life and your decision. Otherwise you will spend your whole life conforming to what they want instead of dealing with the important stuff of being yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong, though you sound like you have convinced yourself that somehow you are.

BTW.. I'm 42 and been on this road since I was 13. At first I tried to do what other people expected, but that just led to misery and self loathing for not having the guts to be me. After taking a pretty good overdose then the head shrinkers trying to convince me there was something wrong with me it dawned on me that I wasn't the one in the wrong. Maybe that attitude still comes out, but I ain't nobody's doormat any more. Be strong and be yourself.

[Guest Sofiadragon]

That is all so true.. It has been my experience that the people who make the biggest deal about how "OK" they are with it are actually the ones who can't handle it.

I'm a little puzzled by why you are letting this become such a big deal. It's not like she has any say in what you decide to do with your life.

I did all my changing away from my family, and when that awkward impossible to wriggle out of family event happened.. my sisters wedding.. I didn't have any of my old identity clothes, and I certainly wasn't going to buy any just for a wedding... So I did my usual vamp performance.. dress for a funeral and turn up.. Morticia Addams personified. It took my other the whole service and half the reception to recognise me.. we had a few words, she was upset and I was very "whatever".. and that was that. She spoke to my father, he tried to buy me a drink but as I was very well known to the barman he wouldn't take his money (hilarious) and didn't even bother with the lecture that I guess he had been ordered to dish out.

Funny thing was.. after that I never heard from my family again until my mothers funeral. Same performance except much less family.. just my horrid sister and her money grabbing husband. As he was generally hated it fell on me to deal with my mothers friends who turned up.. That was fun. I enjoyed seeing some old faces. Didn't get invited to the bash afterwards tho.. I wonder why that was.

So.. My experience with family is.. They have to put up or shut up. No half measures. It's your life and your decision. Otherwise you will spend your whole life conforming to what they want instead of dealing with the important stuff of being yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong, though you sound like you have convinced yourself that somehow you are.

BTW.. I'm 42 and been on this road since I was 13. At first I tried to do what other people expected, but that just led to misery and self loathing for not having the guts to be me. After taking a pretty good overdose then the head shrinkers trying to convince me there was something wrong with me it dawned on me that I wasn't the one in the wrong. Maybe that attitude still comes out, but I ain't nobody's doormat any more. Be strong and be yourself.

I know about the whole be strong & be yourself thing, & I have never really followed the flow of things (basically I have always followed my own beat) it is just that when I came out to my wife about 3 years ago it took me all day to get up the gumption to tell her 'cause I was scared that she was going to get all peed off @ me & what not. I didn't have a very good upbringing I was yealled @ & abused alot so I am verry warry of confrontation, & I am not getting all worked up about it I am just wanting some advice on how to break it to her 'cause I have never dealt w/ someone like this on a leval like this so I don't really know what to do, 'cause if I attacked this like I normally would deal w/ a problem IE head on w/ no care about there reaction 'cause the truth is the truth & they need to deal w/ it, then I know that things would not end well @ all, but since she has almost a childs mentality as I had previously stated then I am going to have to deal w/ this differently & I was hoping that someone on here would have been in a simular situation & would be able to give me some advice, 'cause I am going to be starting therapy here soon now that I am working & I was debating about taking her to one of the appointments & letting her talk w/ the therapist about it but I have a feeling that she will feel as if she is being attacked about this & I don't want that kind of reaction out of her. I am a budhist by the way & I have always been about non violence & that is another reason that I am asking on here 'cause I am @ a loss @ what to do, I hope that, that new info helps out w/ this.

[Guest julia_d]

Maybe it's something best brought up at your next (first?) therapy session.

I think the road here will always end up with the kind of confrontation you are trying so hard to avoid regardless of how you try to play it.

Lets see.. I dealt with my closest friends by telling them quite carefully, and made a real point of letting them know because they are important to me and I care about them. Play on their ego a bit. People like to feel important and wanted and will be more receptive and accepting if they get the impression that they are needed and are special to you.

You say she is quite childish, so how about "shhhh.. this is our big secret for now.. wink wink" kind of approach. That might backfire as telling anybody outside your immediate circle of trusted friends could. It is something you need to do, I think coming from an alien (therapist) will be very stressful and probably quite intimidating for her... that's if you can get her to go in the first place.

What about trying a few methods on another person you want (or will need at some point) to come out to? I'm not scared of anybody or anything, but I wouldn't try to crack the hardest nut first. Actually.. looking back I didn't bother at all with family because I knew how they would react. Friends and colleagues on a "need to know" basis was my method, usually letting them bring up the subject first.. Then they were off balance and I could build them up and make them feel good about themselves and the way they coped...

I will be honest.. Everybody reacts to this kind of news differently. I think more opinions and experiences are needed before you decide what to do.

[Guest julia_d]

Sorry.. double post.. please merge if required.

I just had a thought. Across these forums I see invitations to join the live chat for one to one advice and help when you feel that a brick wall is staring at you... Why not give it a go. The names associated with the chat seem vastly experienced as mentors and the like.

What you need is a hug and some confidence building by the sounds of it, along with people to talk to in real time. We have all been there. You are not alone.. families are the hardest to deal with, because they are the most important.

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora S,

You are carrying this unnecessary burden around with you - your mother in law is unaware of the burden that you face but after you tell her this burden should dissipate …

However, if you continue to carry this burden it will only get heavier and heavier and begin to cloud your mind with the negative-stress, tension, confusion/discomfort… What will happen after you tell her will happen no matter what... but by removing this mental burden this will enable you to concentrate on more important things in life…

Whether your mother in law will accept you or not, is in the long run irrelevant…Unless that is you choose to make it relevant-by worrying about it…Remember “Worry is paying interest on trouble that may never come!”

In a nutshell…”What will happen will happen no matter what and by prolonging the inevitable[causing a disturbance in the mind] is not beneficial to your well being…Think about it...What's the worse thing that can happen? and if it does what can you do about it???

I hope that this makes some sense…

Happy Mindfulness

Metta Jendar

[Guest Sofiadragon]

After reading these answers I am starting to think that when we move to a new place w/in the city that I will be more apt to start my transition & that way if she doesn't like it we don't have to deal w/ her @ all but I'll think of something thanks for all the help from those that posted.