Bigender, transgenderist, or transsexual in denial?

[Guest JessicaM1985]

Hi my name is Jessica and for a few months now I have identified as a MTF Transgender, although when asked for specifics I would say bi-gendered.

I have been dressing as a girl on and off since I was roughly 14 and I am now 26. For the longest time I wanted to live as a girl, but due to pressures both real and imagined, I instead put on this facade of being a "man's man". Yet deep down, I always knew that what I really wanted was to live and be accepted as a girl. So for the last few months, I've come out to friends and family about it (with what I would estimate as roughly a 85% acceptance from people, so I'm lucky there)

Here's where I am at a loss about who I truly am. I want everything BUT srs. FFS, HRT, hitting the gym to lose so much weight, the works. But I can't bring myself to truly desire srs. I plan to live 100% full time as a woman and am already mostly transitioned to that point already. (I'm a college student and there are a couple classes where I don't feel comfortable around my professors as a girl, so I put up with the guy look just to avoid awkward question and stares)

So I've been trying to rationalize why my penis is important enough to me to keep, when it seems so out of step with what I want. The main thing I can think of is that I want kids naturally. More than anything, I want to be a mommy and if the only way I can do that is to have a penis and let a ciswoman carry my baby for me, then so be it. I've also realized that having one isn't quite so bad, although I could live without the bulges while trying to wear certain clothing. If I am honest, I admit that for those 12 years of on and off dressing I've had autogynophilia (and in some instances was the only way I could orgasm), but as of late, I feel almost nothing. Like it lost all interest, yet I'm still very much attracted to MTFs such as myself. So I am wondering if I'm one of those rare Non-op transsexuals (which is something of an oxymoron, I know) and/or am a transsexual with issues that need dealing with before I go charging head on into SRS. I could live with being just a transgenderist, although most people have no clue how to approach that topic since the number one question I tend to run into is "Are you gonna get it chopped off?" as well as being attacked by my 20 year old niece with the comment "You'll never be a real woman until you get it cut off." :facepalm:

When I look back, it looks almost like I'm starting to slightly consider SRS just because I feel external pressure from both the trans and cis community. (I've had similar questions on other trans forums which have bewildered me with the amount of stereotyping and sheer hatred they can show to one of their own, and have made me feel unwelcome there)

It's such a serious step and I don't want to part with something that maybe should stay right where it is. Yet I dunno if I can live with the accusations of keeping it to be a "crossdresser" and a pornstar. (please, even on my best makeup days, I'm still a far cry from most people being able to see me have sex and keep their lunch down. Obese TGs don't get offered a lot of porn work. )

Most of my family (minus said niece) is cool with whatever I decide. All they really ask of me is to figure out what I want to do. I know I'm going to live as a girl, and that I'm going to do everything that I can to "pass" easily; there's no question to that at all. But it's just the srs that bugs me. I've lurked a bit here (pardon my creepiness there ) and have seen that being a transgenderist is more in step with who I am. But I can't identify with autogynophilia anymore since even when I try to wear a little more "risque" clothing, it only mildly arouses me, and even then, not enough to warrant trying to do anything about it. It's like it's just become part of my every day norm. So I'm not sure if it's "progressed" beyond TG to TS or not. Yet I find myself continuing to "make excuses" to keep my junk and keep the scalpel away. How can I want to be a girl with a penis? It's almost opposite of what I want (to be a girl), yet I can't bring myself to part with it. Help!!!

So, my question is, is it transgenderism, bigenderism, or am I just a transsexual with penis envy?

[Guest Jenny C]

Welcome Jessica !!!

Wow, I love you honesty and transparency.

For sure, you won't be judged here.

Love,

Jenny

[Guest JessicaM1985]

Thanks!

I should add that for those 12 years, NOBODY knew about me dressing as a girl. I was raised very religiously by my dad (pentacostal evangalism to be exact. *sigh* ) and in a rather physically abusive home (thanks to him), so making sure nobody knew was such an important part of me staying in relatively good health. That said, I wasn't able to much more than sneak away with some of his wife's stuff. I did get caught once thanks to some stay on mascara doing what it does; staying on and not coming out. Even when I practically am burning out my eyeballs with soap trying to scrub it off. That lead to some unpleasant slapping and name calling from his wife. Outside of that, I was able to stay under the radar and be hidden from everyone about it. The urges to dress came and went, along with the reminders that I'm not living my life as the person I should be. School and bands came and went, and I made it through life ( and that hellhole called my father's house)

But I was never truly happy. There was this underlying dissonance in my life that I couldn't place my finger on, but knew that the answer was very close by. It's like trying to remember the name of a song, and the answer is right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't seem to just say what it is. That's what this "problem" was for me. And in those rare moments when I did stumble across what it was that was bothering me, I'd make plea deals with myself to hold out just a bit longer. Things like, "well if I don't make it as a musician, THEN I can live as a woman." or "Well if my fiancee and I split up, then I'm going to live as a woman."

Those things would come to pass, and then I'd still say things like, 'Well I'm not ready to give up my manhood yet." But the crazy thing is that even upon saying that to myself, I'd still look in the mirror, see my scruffy face, and be genuinely peed that it's scruffy and not smooth and pretty. Mad to the point that I'd want to punch the mirror and break it. This dissonance has caused 2 5150s (danger to yourself or others and you have to be involuntarily committed) within 3 months of each other with the latter involving my then fiancee pushing my head out of a noose in a closet and the paramedics deciding whether or not to give me a trichiotomy. (thankfully I started breathing again and didn't have to experience that)

There were other major factors involved with that suicide attempt, but looking back now, I know that my GID was a part of it. It didn't help that after a religious hiatus for years, at the time I was getting religious again, and my GID was completely at odds with my beliefs at the time. I can testify that believing that you're doomed to hell, no matter how good a person you are, just because you were born in the wrong body and love people and want to have relationships with them regardless of gender, is a surefire way to lead to learned helplessness and wanting to just check out now instead of later. Note that I'm still a spiritual person, so I'm in no way saying that it's inheritently evil, but many of the anti-LGBT policies are far more damaging than they are helpful.

It's some of these things that make me thing I'm TS. I try to avoid labels, but I'm such an analytical person that having some kind of label on this will help put my mind at ease about the whole situation. For these last 3-4 months that I've been starting to transition over, it's all I can think and talk about, much to my friends and family's sorrow.

I want some kind of closure on the subject so that I can go back to doing all the things that I loved to do. This overall question has been eating away at my sanity, affecting my sleep (I hardly remember any of my dreams anymore, and that's if I sleep at all), and has even affected my once famous grizzly bear-like appetite.

I have not seen a counselor yet because I'm a simple, poor college student living on a said college student budget. I do live with my mom while I go to school, but she's pretty broke herself. My community college has only just implemented mental health services for students and much of it is still entangled in red tape, so it's not an option at the moment. But I would like to see one eventually when I can come up with the money outside of the limited financial aid I receive. In the meantime pride and finances have left me with having to deal with this myself, and I feel that on the whole I am succeeding. It's just this one thing that seems to make me go crazy trying to figure out....

[VickySGV]

You are NOT rare to want to keep your original plumbing intact. We just happen to be a little bit statisitically overloaded on this site with people who do want to do SRS, although this specific forum is a start as far as your feelings are concerned. You are Transgendered in the sense that your neonatally assigned birth gender does not fit your inside, but you get to make the call on where it goes. (You and an therapist that is.)

Welcome to the Playground, feel free to post responses to anyone in any Forum, but you have disqualified yourself from initiating posts in the Teens forum, you can initiate topics in any other forum. Be sure to read the Terms and Conditions which you can access from any forum page by going to the lowest right hand corner. You can get the same information from Rules and Guidelines at the top of the Introductions Forum, which you might visit and leave your second post so all of us can get to know you. All posts are moderated before they will show on the forums, and we are trying to keep the entire site safe for younger teens and parents of said same. Enjoy the time with us as you reach your own decisions, we are happy to help and support you and ask only that you give back what you can to the other members.

[Drea]

To keep it simple, if you aren't intersted in SRS, why stress over it? Yes I get you have others make comments about the uncertainty you experess, say you aren't true if you don't have SRS. You even will find such people within the community that look down upon those who choose not to have SRS. Don't let such people make you feel any less about yourself.

You know what you want, so be the person you want to be. Maybe your opinion will change about SRS and if later you find you want it, you can always add it to your plans.

With only a few exceptions, what your anatomy is, is only important to you and the peple you wish to be physically intimate with.

Trying to force oneself into some pidgeon hole based upon societial or community expectations is about as productive as trying to force oneself into a sexual preference they don't truely feel.

There are a lot of destination with this trans stuff. I seen different stats thru the years so firm numbers are hard to come by but something like only 7% of diagnosted transsexuals who transition go on to SRS. When one adds the number of diagnosed transsexuals who don't transition and the greater transgendered community you certainly not alone.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Everyone has excellant advice here. Drea is very much right when she says why stress over it?

You are what you are. If you do want a label - and many of us do at first, you will have to work with your gender dysphoria trained therapist. Together you can probably work out an approximation.

And wanting (or not wanting) SRS is NOT a definition of a transsexual, it's just one of the possible characteristics. I am setting mine up - but originally has suspected I would not want SRS. But I do now. How could I have known that when I first started?

So a very good posting!

Lizzy

[Guest JessicaM1985]

Thanks so much girls!

I have felt very pressured into getting SRS done, when frankly I'm not ready for that yet. I've even put the thought of HRT (which I really want) on hold so that I can still do a few things like have kids naturally and the like, then go back to it. But as far as how I present myself to people and introduce myself to others, I'm all girl and want to be treated as such. (well, minus the societal "go back to the kitchen" comments that I sometimes get from people. Isn't it sad though that I actually get a little happy in addition to being really angry when those said comments get made to me just because it means that they don't see me as a guy anymore or what? )

I feel much more relieved though that I'm not completely alone because I feel this way. Navigating the web regarding this topic has left me embittered with a lot of what I would call "cup cake transsexualism" where unless you "go all the way", you're not a transperson and are thus not a member of the trans community and can in no way relate to the struggle at all. It's disturbing and hurtful, and left me with more doubt and questions than when I started. Reading around here has helped me a lot because the info here is very unbiased and grounded in fact. That's exactly what I need right now to make these important life decisions so that I don't go half-cocked and permanently damage my body or my mind in my transition. I've already tried to hurt myself enough times that I've kinda had enough of that, and want to do something helpful and positive with my body and mind just because I don't want to be isolated from others that can even semi-relate to what I'm going through.

Then I get pressure from even cisperson that I know because they look puzzled when I tell them I don't want srs right now. I then have to explain myself with a long rambling conversation just to try and get through their head that I'm not ready for it right now, if at all. I just wanna be able to look and present myself as the girl I know I am and be free to do with my anatomy as I please. I just wish I could avoid having those long-winded conversations altogether and have people just talk to me as they would one of their female friends. I've kinda done it to myself as well since I'm much more open about it (just my nature), whereas many transpeople that I've talked to or have met generally don't talk about it at all and keep to themselves about it. I know that's the goal for many, but part of my reason for being so out and open with it is that I try to raise some awareness because how are people ever gonna get used to the concept unless they are exposed to it and see that it's not evil or hurtful in any way? It's like a double-edged sword for me there.

But I digress, I feel relieved that I'm not crazy for wanting to at least wait before making a final decision on anything and just trying to take simple baby steps with this whole topic. Thank you ladies so much!