Maundy Thursday As Myself At Last

[VickySGV]

Maundy Thursday commemorates the Last Supper where the Sacrament of Holy Communion or The Eucharist or Mass were mandated by Jesus for his disciples to do in his remembrance. This has always been a special service church service in my life even before I dealt with my gender issues. Four years ago when I was in my depression that threatened to take my life, but instead lead up to my coming out, I quit going, and last night was my first return. At this time last year I had given my coming-out letter to my priest who had given it to our lay governing board (the Vestry), and they were still unsure of what to do about me. A month after Easter they let me know I would be welcomed and accepted as I needed to be, but it took a gradual transition with them before I became fully female in our church activities.

This year though, I have been out and participating as myself for 6 months, and so I returned to this highly meaningful service. It was to be a closure of my first Lent as the female person who has become more real and more natural as the time goes by. My presence as female, after being male for so many years is treated as normal and not unusual or distressing. During her sermon, the priest reminded us of several places in our liturgy’s for Baptism, Matrimony, Confirmation, Ordination and others where a service commitment is taken on that there is a segment where the congregation is asked “Will you who are present here do all in your power to support (this person) (this couple) (this family) in their life ahead.” The answer in the Prayer Book is “We will with God’s help”. The question last night was do you mean it when you respond to it? I do believe most people would honestly at first say yes they do, but I can understand all too well how some support gets distorted by how people view the commitment of the other person to be constituted, or some support gets waylaid in personal inner conflicts of the person pledging the support. It is a fear for us that has some basis. People may pledge, even with God’s help to support us and be overcome by their own weakness to the point they forget God’s help for them is there!! This is when they become terrible.

Four years ago, I was looking at my impending death by lack of care about myself. A meaningful part of my spiritual life was too painful to face and I too had forgotten that “with God’s help” was a possibility for my life. It would not be three days later that I would find a resurrection of my life and spirit, it was more like 6 months before that would take place, but “with God’s help” it did happen whether or not at the time I wanted it.

As is the custom, at the end of this service last night, the consecrated communion elements that had not been consumed were moved to a secluded part of the church grounds near a garden where a small altar with several candles would hold it until noon today. Around this altar were several kneelers for a silent watch and personal prayer. I did not spend a long time there, but I am having to wipe some tears from my eyes as I write this. They are tears of joy for my own resurrected life.

The peace of the Lord be always with you.