Not sure anymore

[Guest lily1]

The other day i woke up and I was looking at myself in the mirror. It was then that I realized I have no clue who is staring back at me. i start hormones at the end of the month and I am starting to doubt if I am making the right choice. Then I question myself, well if this is not who you are then who are you? The taught that scares me even more, what if the hormones do not work? I was so sure two months ago and now I have lost all confidence. I guess my biggest fear is the fear of losing loved ones, I do not want to lose family and friends. I am tired of the struggle, not being able to sleep, my taught's are consumed day and night off who I could have been, tired of feeling like I am doing something wrong, and most off all tired of hiding. Sorry for complaining, I do not post often, needed to today.

[Guest Guest_SL]

Lily,

Change is always scary even for the good. And you're not complaining. That's what the site is for, getting feedback or just having someone who will listen and care.

First, I'd get some rest. You can't think with a clear mind if you're tired and do post here often. Lot's of support here. You are who you are. I just don't think an identity crisis will lead someone down the path to gender transition. I think it's in you or it isn't.

More folks will chime in and read carefully what advice is offered and try to choose what's right for you and your family, but do get some sleep, okay?

Sara Lee

[Paula ult]

Lily, You say nothing about seeing a gender therapist, they can help you with those doubts, i suggest you find one if you do not have one, this is too big of a decision to just go ahead and hope for the best, GID can get stronger for awhile then subside, this may be what is happening to you.

There is no way anyone can say how hormones are going to work for you, i hope you are not going to self medicate, too little hormones and you do not get good results, too much can kill you, i had a friend that was under a doctors care but thought more would be better, she had a heart attack and died, leaving 3 children without a parent, regular blood tests will check you hormone levels to make sure they are in the correct range, they will also check to make sure the hormones are not damaging any other organs like your liver.

As far as losing family, friends and job, there is no way anyone can tell you what you might lose, i know people that lost everything, people that lost some, very few people come through this unscathed, i was lucky, the most important people in my life accepted me, i did lose some extended family.

Just remember you do not have to fully transition, transition to the point you are comfortable, for some just cross dressing at home is enough, others need to fully transition and get srs.

Paula

[Guest lily1]

I have been seeing a gender therapist for the past 6 months, she is great. I know who I am but i fear judgement but i should not care. Right now we have discussed going on hormones to determine if it is the right thing for me. I have a little girl who means the world to me, I do not want to let her down. I sobered up nearly 5 years ago so I could provide a better life for her. Thank you guys very much for your response. I am doing much better this week. Sorry for not being very quick on responding back, this is still new for me and bit hard to talk about my emotions must of the time. But I read a lot of post and it gets me through my hard times. Thank you.

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm glad you're feeling better about things, Lily. Lots of us had doubts, so you are not alone in that. I had many doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, and like you, part of it had to do with having a family, and my guilt over hurting them and making them go through transition with me. I also had doubts as to whether I had talked myself into believing I was trans.

My therapist said it was natural and expected to have such doubts. So talk it over with her, and don;t rush into anything. There is time to be sure, time to get it right.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie