Memories

[Guest Miyuki]

I wasn’t able to sleep today so I’ve written a short bio from what I can remember .

Ever since I was 5 I always felt that I didn’t fit in with the boys, had no interests in playing rough games, didn’t like sports, didn’t like to play with cars or the other things boys usually do. Now I didn’t exactly grew up with my parents I lived with my aunt which she basically was my 2nd mother to me and my 3 cousins which were all females (one is around my age). While living with my aunt my cousin that was my age which was more like a "twin" sister to me, we did everything together from playing dress up, to playing with dolls, house. I absolutely loved playing dress up because it was the time when I could try on her clothing and then the older sisters would put make up on me and coordinate clothes to match with my cousin. At that time my aunt always thought it was just them having fun with me tormenting the boy but, to this day this is one of my most cherished memory I have growing up. But then as most of us know we get to that age when playing or using the opposite genders clothing is not accepted, this for me came to an end at age 7 when I went back to living with my mom as most parents my mother made me join or take part in boy activities she made me join a sport team (soccer team) where she worked and was then forced to play with other boys every weekend. This I hated, just the thought of playing in the dirt, sweating, being rough made me cry, I remember telling my mom that I didn’t want to play with the other boys that I wanted to draw or do something else, but all she said that this is good for me to make things worse I was picked on for being different by the team. I didn’t know why but all I knew is that I didn’t fit in.

During the time when I lived with my mom since she was at work most of the time after coming home from school I remember locking all the doors and rushing to her room directly to her closet and drawers. She worked in an office from what I can remember so her closet and drawers was filled with lots of panties, bras, skirts, blouses, heels, stockings, make up and jewelry I played dress up while she was away... I did this almost every day until one day she came in early from work and she found a mess in the room with me playing with her makeup. She scolded me made me feel ashamed to what I was doing and also got the belt and gave me a spanking that to this day I remember. That same night she sent me to my room without dinner and I cried myself to sleep wishing to become a girl.

Year’s passed by I stopped dressing up and the feelings of wanting to become a girl subsided for the time being but in my early teens (12) I was once again left by my mom to stay and live with my aunt, uncle and f cousin. She also told me that my dad was going to start visiting me every weekend. Every time my cousin would take a shower she always left her clothing in the bathroom when she did I would always go inside and take my time in there dressing up again every time I would wear her clothing it felt as it was the right thing to do. That of course came to an end once again one day my dad came and tried opening the bathroom door because I was taking too long, luckily the bathroom had a lock by the time he picked the lock I had enough time to undress but not enough time to dress back into boys clothing again so he found me naked in the bathroom. I was beaten up and told not to be doings things in the bathroom, I’m pretty sure it would of been a thousand times worse if he would of found me wearing girls clothes but this time I only escaped with just a couple bruises.

My teenage years as I recalled are filled of days being bullied at school and being teased because I talked like a girl, and I guess I had more girl mannerism than boy mannerism. So every day in class I was teased by the boys and made feel miserable. People made me cry so easily when they teased me that I became a preferred target because of that. I pretty much became a loner and started hating myself because I was so different. All throughout middle school became bitter hated everyone around me and was basically left to fend for myself when other boys forced me into fights. (I was in an all boy school).

High school for me was no different but it got worse for it was then when I noticed the body changes. Now for me I didn’t change besides growing I was just a skinny a bit tall for the 9th grade. By this time I was going to a regular high school I was still getting teased by the boys this is where everywhere I went was called "gay" and other similar names for no apparent reason I couldn’t figure why people were calling me those names when all I was doing was just being myself. When I was done with 9th grade my aunt changed me to another school. This other school was a bit farther than the previous. At the beginning of the school year everything was going a bit better because I told myself that I was going to keep myself from being me and that I was just going to be silent and only talk if I needed to. This strategy only worked for a couple months, I still felt miserable inside even though there was no teasing or bullying around me I felt as if I was suppressing a part of me. So after a while I hated myself even more for not being able to express myself. Midyear once again my aunt tells me I’ll be going to a new school because my mother wanted me to be in a better school. For me it at this point I was indifference to change for I had accepted that no matter what I did was still going to be miserable and unhappy with myself. In this new school that I attended it was on a college campus all of the students that I started with were new there was no cliques because the high school was testing out mixing high school classes with college courses at the same time. So everyone had a commonality everyone was new and they wanted to make friends. So I took a chance and was myself tried to make friends with the guys but I felt that there were huge differences on interest. Most at that time were all into wrestling, football, sports, cars and other things I had no clue on. So I kind of just agreed with whatever they talked about and managed to make 2 friends for the first time they were guy friends but they were at least someone that I could talk to them from those 2 friends they introduced me to some of the girls they knew which then as they had conversations I was more interested on what they talked about than what the guys did. They talked about makeup, fashion, shopping, places to go, music, gossip they let me be in their group and at times even join in on the chat I felt for the first time as being accepted. The feelings of wanting to become a girl re appeared again although I did stopped trying on girl clothing the wanting of breast, long hair, soft skin, were something I deeply wished for every night. Since puberty skipped me mostly while in high school I was always hopeful that while seeing that the other guys started growing beards, Adams apple, deep voice, body hair, some grew muscles and seeing that I was still mostly unchanged only thing that I ever really got was growth spurts other than that I was still no beard, voice remained the same no change. I had hopes. Every time I would see a fashionably dressed girl or college student I day dreamed me as a female.

Then it hit me and I remember it quite clearly as my 12^th grade year I started to grow a beard and the body hair turned black I was 17 I was back living with my mom and when I noticed these changes I started hating my body. That year I socially isolated myself became quiet, withdrawn and depressed. My mother always and to this day thinks this is the way I am but that year I started cutting myself because I hated this body. I cut myself every 3 days or when I noticed a change in me. I would always wear a sweater or long sleeve shirts because it was easier to hide the cuts from everyone. One day I decided to cut myself with broken glass I just didn’t care anymore I didn’t want this body that I was given, so I cut myself under my arm but close to the wrist thankfully at that time I wasn’t really thinking of killing myself or else I would of probably really cut the right way to end it all. This little incident caused me partial loss of feeling around the area and now delayed feeling/sensation from the cut to the hand and a big triangly looking scar I took myself to the doctor and lied about how it happened. After that I also blocked out anymore thoughts/feelings about being a girl better yet it was more of self denial. That year I finished high school my mother gave me two choices to either move with her and my sister to another state to live with my dad or stay with my aunt until I turned 18 (I only needed 4 more months to turned 18) So I decided to stay I said to myself why move with them when I’ve been handed down like a stray dog its only a matter of time when they’ll just leave me with some more family.

From age 18 to 21 I’ve been struggle ling with who I am, every day that passed by I hated my body more and more to the point that I started to not care of my appearance I went from 120 weight to 230. Every time a pretty girl passed by I was envious of her body I wanted to have what she had. I would cry myself to sleep asking why couldn’t have I been born a female it was a constant mind struggle of not knowing who I was or rather accepting the fact that I was a girl stuck in a hideously male body. I also don’t know how to describe this but when people talked to me, in my head I would hear a voice that gave a nice sweetly reply to whatever a person was asking or trying to get me to talk but I trying to keep playing a role people expected a male to be or respond gave either a jerky respond or gave the notion that I didn’t care. It was as if I was given a part that people expected me to be but in all reality I didn’t had a clue on the way I was expected to act, feel, and talk. I went through another cutting phase and often contemplated the thought of suicide but there was one thing that at times did keep me happy or helped I played MMORPG’s and in these games I enjoyed playing as a female characters to the point where people and other girls in game didn’t believe I was a guy to guild mates and close friends they knew I was a guy but they always treated me like a girl and I was happy being referred to as she, her, mom. People there even while talking on ventrilo or other communication programs referred to me as female, I loved every second of it.

At age 21 I called my parents and asked them if I could move in with them they of course had no problems saying yes and they still don’t know about these feelings I’ve had throughout my life. After moving in with them I decided to go to college after living by myself I wasn’t expecting them to pay for anything living by myself I learned to take care of my bills and did managed to keep jobs as long as I didn’t have to be around other people because I was too shy/awkward being around other males because I’ve always had a feeling that if I talked to any of them they would instantly label me as “Gay” or being weird. At this age I started laser treatments to get rid of my beard now being a college student and holding a fulltime job was a bit hard but nonetheless I got most of the beard gone I still do shave but it’s like every 3 days because of my skin color the laser lady said I was to have only 6 times don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to be or there’s a reason why you can only do it certain number of times but it did get rid of almost all of it. The parts that are left are mostly neck and chin which are now easily coverable with makeup not like before that I had to really cake my face with concealer and foundation. Also at this age my voice changed a bit (The very few friends I have and that know me in person have always said that I change voices depending on who I talk to).

Finally 2 years ago I have finally accepted who I am and it is now that I want to take the next steps to fix these body issues of mine. I want to somewhat give the girl inside of me the body she’s been longing, and that deep inside of me knows that I should have been. I’m tired of having to live a life that will and has brought me isolation, pain, confusion, and bitterness. I’ve taken some steps forward like lasering my face and now I’m back to a more normal weight from what I was. (140 goal is to be back at weighing to what I usually weight in my teens which I personally think the doctor might see that I’ll be underweight for my age reason I say this back when I went for a physical she said that 170 was average for my age).Hopefully this year Ill be able to save up and find a therapist in my area so that by maybe late next year will be on my way to setting free this caring, sweet, and loving young girl that I’ve been hiding inside for so long!

[Guest Krisina]

Miyuki thanks for posting your memories. I enjoyed reading and learning about your journey. I hope this year you find a gender therapist to help you. It's hard when you don't fit in too, not feeling quite right. Glad to hear about you getting laser treatment. Maybe only getting 6 treatments is because of slightly darker skin pigmentation?

Welcome to Lauara's Playground

Krisina

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Miyuki,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for providing such a detaile view of your life and struggles, Miyuki. Even if progress is slow, it is still progress, and you seem focused on achieving your goals. You put a lot of time and effort into this post, and it really helps us understand you

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Miyuki]

Wow you guys actually read all that. I'm surprised, wasn't really expecting it to be read since its sooooo long but it felt good to finally get these memories out there,

I think im going to like this place. I usually don't stick to forums since im still trying to work out this anxiety of mine that i get when i talk to people.

Miyuki thanks for posting your memories. I enjoyed reading and learning about your journey. I hope this year you find a gender therapist to help you. It's hard when you don't fit in too, not feeling quite right. Glad to hear about you getting laser treatment. Maybe only getting 6 treatments is because of slightly darker skin pigmentation?

Welcome to Lauara's Playground

Krisina

Yeah unfortunately im in between in skin pigmentation and the hairs around my chin area are more i wanna say light brown in color but they're more red if you look at them closely. Probably if i was to let it grow it would look more like highlights. I was looking over the list of therapist and by what it looks like there is only a couple around my area but they're all 4hrs drives which is almost impossible to do in weekdays since ill have school /work its hard enough making those on time so my other option would be online?? I have one question, How good are those online therapist or to be a little bit more specific whats it like doing the therapy over webcam/email/chat?