I'm New And Need Some Advice And Support

[Guest little boy blue]

Hey everyone. I'm brand new to this forum; I just signed up today. I'll tell you a little about myself before we get to the questions...

I'm 28, have identified as butch for the last 14 years, work at a professional job and go to college full-time. My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and we now live together. Her last partner was a transman so I'm not concerned about her reaction to any of my trans identity. The trouble is, I don't know what my trans identity is yet. This is what brought me here.

As I said, I've been butch for most of my life. I grew up with three sisters in a Christian home. My family was and still is fully supportive and understanding of my butch self. I don't think anyone in my life would have an issue if I started to identify as male.... but it scares the crap out of me. I've never been comfortable in my body. I've been stone for years. And I see these pictures of these guys who transition, who have their top surgery and I'm so jealous. I want my body to look the way I see it in my head; I want to pass in most of the world and still be accepted in my butch/queer community. I don't know if this is possible. And I'm scared to find out. "Girl" doesn't fit, and "Man" doesn't fit, and I'm not sure where that leaves me. I like being boxed into the butch identity, but I'm afraid I'm growing out of it. I use the men's room in public and can pass without much trouble. I have more problems with straight women than men and I like to pass. I love it. I like the men's room. I pack as often as I can and bind every day, and it makes me feel more comfortable in myself. But when the clothes come off, I cover the mirror.

I'm here to find out if any of you guys struggled with these types of issues before you started to transition. I don't know if I feel like a guy on the inside, but I do know that the outside, and the world's perception of me, don't match what I see in my own head. I'm starting to really lean towards taking T to make the physical changes. I've always secretly thought about that. I recently found out (via google) that T can also help depression, which I have and haven't been able to find a medicine yet to fix it.

I'm scared. I'm nervous. I want to feel right inside and out. And I don't know if this is what you all have gone through. The people in my life, although loving and supportive, have no idea how to advise me on this avenue. I hope you guys can.

Sorry if this is a little scattered, but I think I made my point. Thanks, guys.

-little boy blue

[Guest Keane]

I don't think that T is a med that actually makes depression go away, but it would help it in the sense that you will feel better about yourself and your life and you won't be as depressed.

[Guest TBForLife]

I talked to my counselor yesterday, she said that she read a study about post menopausal women using T as a mood enhancer to create a sense of well being.

You don't have to ID as male, you don't have to stop IDing as a stone butch. You'll just be hardcore stone butch. You ID as you. And only you are to define that one.

Will T make you feel better? Well theres a nice chance but that's something you'll have to discuss with your counselor. Did it make me feel better? Hell Yes.

That being said, go talk to someone, your therapist or doctor or counselor and make the choice that is right for you.

There is no point that you must reach in being trans. I don't even ID as trans as much as I do with being a female who's better felt living in a male role.

Do what's right for you. Don't worry about fitting into the queer community, I was worried too that if I was a straight man that I could not go to any of the queer functions or find a level of acceptance. But I'm not a straight man. I'm a female who feels better as a male.

I was actually invited to a trans positive womyns vibe dance last week. I hope your community is that awesome!

You'll find the best supports when you're doing what is best for you self. I hope you can find out what that is and feel better about yourself soon!

[Guest little boy blue]

TB, thanks for your words, man. It's helpful. I know this sounds cliche, but I was worried that I was the only stone butch who felt this way. I know for a fact I'd be more comfortable with a male-looking body. I want top surgery; my girl even offered to help pay for it as a wedding gift. It's what I want more than anything- to look at myself with a male chest, with bigger biceps, with a more masculine jawline. I've spent so much time trying to find myself within this butch body and it's not happening. I came here because I hoped I would find someone else who had been through that, and it sounds like you have. So thank you, thank you for saying all that, and thank you all for putting yourselves out there.

I'll be in and out, browsing and trying to put in my 2 cents where they fit. I'll update as the decisions come along.

[Guest Jackson]

I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I can't. I've always known that I've been male on the inside. Even now I don't identify as trans. I am a heterosexual male (which kind of drives my therapist up a wall). So I don't really have much of a community.

But I can tell you the best thing to do is talk to a therapist that specializes in gender issues. Besides, all these gender ideas are more like a continuum than separate boxes. But it's more that our culture and society will force you into a pigeon hole whether you like it or not.

But there is support here. And it helps to know that you're not alone. And can talk to people going through similar experiences.

And for the T and depression, that's an iffy thing. It will balance out mood, but not change one's overall personality. I've noticed I'm on a more even keel. Do I still get depressed? Better believe it. I could really put away a good amount of tequila right about now. But it wouldn't help anything. But maybe the depression is related to your questioning yourself.

I had a girlfriend who kept asking me if she really was lesbian (she was straight until we got together). And I told her that why should someone define themselves by one word or label. Don't bother. It's doesn't matter how you define yourself. As long as you're happy and satisfied the way you are.

Those are my words of wisdom (relatively). I don't claim to be wise.

[Guest Huff]

I didn't identify as a girl or woman, but I couldn't really imagine being a man when I first was thinking about transition. It was kind of like I had never gotten to have my boyhood and I wanted it back. Life has worked out for me such that this past year in transition I've been able to be a teenager again. I'm in school, I play sports, I have a one-day-a-week job helping an older couple take care of their property, I have a bedroom in a house where I have 'adoptive' parents and who cook for me. It's been really amazing, I flirt with girls. I just get to be a teen-aged boy this year. It was like when I hit about middle school, I totally stopped growing up emotionally - I just sort of buried my head in the sand. I'm chronologically 27, but I think I was probably mentally only 12 or 13 when I started taking T. I think I'm up to 16 or 17 now. It's like I feel like I'm getting ready to be a young man now. It's kinda cool and kinda weird at the same time. Maybe by the time I'm done with school in another few years I'll actually feel grown up.

MK

[Guest little boy blue]

Man, you guys rock! Keane, thanks for the concern about the T. I;ve been researching it and have seen, like TB said, that in postmenopausal women it balances out depression. I don't assume it will cure it, but depression is a chemical imbalance and I've tried a hell of a lot of chemicals to get the balance right. The only one left that I have faith will really truly help me change the way I feel is T. Almost all of you have said it won't fix it, but it helps you feel better about yourself- that's what I'm looking for.

Jackson, thank you so much for your input. I genuinely appreciate it. The support here is tremendous and I'm so grateful I found this site.

and Huff, man you hit the nail on the head. Girl and woman don't fit me either. Thanks for sharing.

[Guest TBForLife]

Yeah as for T and depression if you are depressed because of something outside of your transition, you still have that depression! But if its totally from your body issues and your gender issues, solving those issues Will make you feel better.

Depression can be a separate issue but I've also heard that after you take T / solve OTHER issues that depression is easier to nail.

There are plenty of depressed people out there and they are trans, queer and totally straight, it's a thing that hurts us all and does not discriminate.

I was told that after I start taking T that my doctors will THEN look into my other mental health issues and see what they can do to help. I'm thankfully one of the lucky ones who T has been a cure all for. I think my only issue was having a male brain trying to cope with the functions of a female body. So now that my muscles are male I can walk better.

When I started getting girly fat my track career was DONE. I could not even walk without being a total klutz, running? Forget it. But now I can do anything with this body it's great!

You never know how T will affect you until you take it. Thats why therapists and counselors, medical professionals and the works are all important factors in transition!

And seriously I know like 10 guys in real life who ID as stone butch and they just fit right in to this community because theres this awesome understanding that there are so many levels of gender expression!