Increasing dysphoria and a lost sense of pride... Anyone relate?

[Guest blairrrr]

So I'm struggling a bit at the moment with feeling ok about this impending transition and all of the things that this will mean for me. I'm biologically Female and at the moment I feel pretty gender-lost. I've had a lot of exposure to ftm's, transgender's, transsexual's, gender-queers etc. I guess I've always been ok with my own boyishness, and mostly everyone else has been ok with it too. But although I have respected loved my trans brothers and sisters I have never wanted that for myself until about 4 months ago. And I don't know why! Why has this changed?!

I have one binder that doesn't work at all and two really tight sport's bra's which, as a bigger chested person, I pass in almost often. Sometimes I just wear bra's. I hate the way I look in them, but I can still go out in public. I'm almost more comfortable. I don't have to worry about passing, then inevitable confusion and then the awkward apologies when they think they've misgendered me. But in my eyes, I hate the way I look when I pass as a woman.

I've always maintained that I was ok with being queer and a woman and I have a lot of queer pride. Women are great! I respect them, maybe more than most of the men I know. So i'm finding that as my dysphoria increases, I get more depressed about this person that I'm losing! I want so badly to feel stronger and more able to cope with the social awkwardness that comes with androgyny. I'm losing my pride and I don't want to hate my body. I also want so badly to just pass as a man, and live in this world without that constant anxiety I get from being in public.

I know I need to see a gender therapist, and this is something that I've been putting off, because I suspect that I wont be happy until I can live as a man. The thought of that makes me sad. Why can't I be ok in my body!

Has anyone gone through any of this? I feel really lost and sad.

[Guest JohnV]

How I found myself started similar to what you're going through. You're feelings are rather common, truth be told.

How I came to understand my own dysphoria was realizing I absolutely positively HATED being referred to as a woman.

It actually made me flinch. Being called woman, girl, chick, Melisa, etc.

I started realizing there was something more than just "I'm a tomboy" "I'm just not feminine" No. There was something WAY more than that.

I realized I was a man.

And the concept was absolutely earth-shattering.

I wanted to be happy in my body. I wanted to be "normal". I didn't want to have to change my body to feel finally happy.

But as I tried to force down the desire to change my body, I only became more depressed. And when I did things for my body that made me feel more masculine (working out, binding, dressing masculinely) I would get a euphoric high of joy.

You will feel nervous. Because you fear to change your body, and yet you want to be a man. In the beginning I went through a lot of stages of denial, fear, anger, more rejection, then acceptance, and the cycle would repeat itself. Now I fully accept that I am a man and I need a male body to feel okay with myself. For right now I'm dealing with what I have patiently. But my boyfriend and I are very excited for my transition to manhood.

Don't worry. You will find yourself eventually. Just hang in there. Think about what you want in your future. What you want to be referred as. What you want to look like. Once you start understanding that, you'll start understanding yourself. It'll be okay.

Be you,

JohnV

[Guest Tamar]

Yes honey. I'm too tired now to coherently organize my thoughts,but feel free to pm me a reminder tomorrow if you like,and ill try to share my thoughts that got me through that. Hugs

[Guest Haidos]

i always thought of myself as a weak and unworthy person because i couldn't just live as i was born but the truth is to recognize the discomfort and to seek help is a real sign of strength and understanding no matter where on the gender spectrum you fall.

take your time and you will get where you need to go.

[JJ]

One thing I keep explaining to people around me -I have nothing against being a woman. I love many things about the way women live but the problem is that I am not one and could never feel right and comfortable trying. It felt like I had to work so hard-and sometimes fail-at things that came naturally to everyone else. Like they were born with an instruction book I didn't get. It made me fear failure and not trust myself.

And sometimes when I have to face a group who knew me before in this super conservative area, even now I wish I could just go back. But then I remember how much more comfortable people are with me now on a very basic level. Even when they are awkward or uneasy on the surface they soon relax. Because I am real and not trying to be what I'm not. So many of us are diagnosed with Aspergers -I think it is a symptom of trying to live in the wrong gender that mimics Aspergers since it seems to resolve for many of us after transition and therefore cannot be true Aspergers.

The hardest part of transition in many ways is that sense of discomfort. Of stepping so far out of the norm. But it is short lived. I was very, very female figured and it took a long time for me-not to mention the 60 plus years of female socialization to let drop. Yet I told myself during that time that it was inevitable but temporary. Like a tunnel you have to go through to reach a destination. Now it seems like the tunnel was short-while in it I thought it was taking forever. But it was worth every moment. I never really understood how being happy and right at the core felt till now. never really understood why people wanted to live. There was much I treasured and loved in life but there was just this feeling of wrongness and despair that trumped it. Till now.

I can't say it will be the same for you. But I have seen over and over here that others feel as I do. Happier than they have ever been even while losing everything or facing huge challenges -as I do because except for this core change my life is the most challenging it has ever been for non-trans reasons

Transition is hard and awkward and at times scary. You fear what you are losing without yet having what you are seeking. But in the end it has been the best experience of my life. And I have gone from uneasiness and a degree of shame I did not believe I should feel but still did - to pride and great comfort with my life. Sometimes there is disquiet and unease as I mentioned-but at the core I am at peace and that makes all the rest inconsequential in the final analysis

I hope you find the same peace. Funny but I was also afraid of being a man-and have found that the easiest thing of all I always was. I belong here. And everyone seems to recognize that as they never did when I was trying to be a woman.

Johnny

[Guest Elliot_S]

I'm struggling with a lot of the same feelings, maybe not exactly the same ones but similar. I've been lurking around on these boards, but also reading blogs and such by women who identify as female but also as butch. There are many women who do manage to embrace the awkwardness of being misgendered, and to live gracefully in a female body with a more masculine soul. I don't know if that is where you, or I, are headed, but it is something that's out there in the world.

[Guest blairrrr]

Elliot- Yeah, I guess that has been my identity for most of my life. It is weird realizing that maybe that is not enough anymore and I'm no longer ok with my body. I am getting read as male more often now, and it's feels good but it also makes me want to leave the situation before the awkwardness begins. The other problem with being read as male is that I get read as a pubescent 13 y/o boy when I'm actually 23. I wonder if I'd never been exposed to the possibilities of transitioning would I be more content with myself.

Johnny- your story is amazing and heartwarming! I'm so gald you're finally living the life you've always deserved. I really like what you said - "You fear what you are losing without yet having what you are seeking". Very true, and I think grief and loss will be part of my transition journey, if that's the path I choose, which is I guess just part of growing is a person. Thank you.

Haidos- I definitely relate to that.

John- Thank you! I think you're right, I'm already starting to feel a little relieved that maybe in the future I wont have this mental and physical discomfort in my life.

I phoned up an lgbt medical center today to get a referral to a therapist. It was really hard just to dial the number but I'm relieved about it.