Letting go of Caring about what People Think

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi All,

I'm one of those people who has been called "young man" since I was 11 and I am called "Sir" most often. I was a very athletic kid and so, maybe that is why I was percieved as male ... but it became a common occurance to be identied as a boy by strangers and aquaintences when I hit puberty ( which is kind of odd.) I know now, that I have an endocrine disorder but as a child, I just knew that I was "different." Before age 11, I am not sure I really noticed or cared how people percieved me ... but I guess I became more sensitive when gender became more of a critical issue amoung my peers. All of a sudden ... around the 5th grade ... gender mattered ... a lot. The first time I was identified as a boy at school, I felt deeply embarrassed. I sobbed that night as I confided what had happened to a mentor. It really bothered me that I was being routinely percieved as a boy and I think what bothered me most was that I was given the message that I was somehow "not okay" because of this.

As I got older, into my twenties, when I realized that I was atracted to women/lesbian, this embarrassment grew into indignation. Finally, into my 30's, I learned to repond with humor. I took time im my late 30's and ealry 40's to deeply explore the possiblity that I may be intersex or possibly trans gender. In my 40's, I just stopped caring all together... and decided that for me, it is like being called "she" or "he" ... ultimately, I just don't care ... I am still "me" no matter how I am percieved or adressed. I decided too that I actually prefer to live legally as female and I no loger feel dysphoric about my body ( which has had some surgery to remove the uterus, right ovary and breasts. See my profile for more info.) I guess, I cleared the final hurdle when I realized that I remain androgynous whether I am identifed as male or as female ... I do not change. I do not feel the need to "correct" others any longer.

I have a female name in my daily life and usually this is what eventually "clarifies" my legal sex. Ultimatley, I have come to realize that I am proud to have been born as I am with all of the challenges (and wonders) of being in this body, in this existance ... despite the difficulties and dangers inherrant in being gender variant.

I wonder how others androgynes are dealing with the process of self acceptance. If they, have had to go through similar stages or if the process has been diifferent ... and in what ways it has been so.

Best to All,

Juniper Blue

[Guest endlessummer]

I never know in advance whether I get mad or stay humorous when somebody calls me "young man". Which happens a lot. I guess I get mad when it's used in a depreciated way. Throughout school I mostly thought it great when they took me for a boy.

But since I am interested in men, it's became a problem too.

What I know is that it gets a little easier to take what others think when you get older, or that I'm getting more aware of myself and that I have the freedom to be however I want. But it's sort of rollercoaster with my moods... I would love not to be that disphoric about my body any more, but I'm still deep in and figuring things out...

So it's a good sign that it may get easier, like it has in your 40s Juniper. I'm 30 so it's not so long to go.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hugs to you Endless Summer.

[Guest Melancholy]

Well, I reckon it has stuff to do with age. Younger people, such as myself, are expected to follow the typical styles and stereotypes, whereas older people, no offense if it sounds offensive, that last bit, the younger ones throwing most of the insults around, really don't care. All they really care about is their age group. From what I've seen.

It must be nice to have that kind of confidence. Really. I'm working on it, though.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

HUgs to you Melancholy .... funny but soooo true! (at least for me!) It is one perk to getting older ... it seems that people do start caring more about what is on the inside ... what freinds will stand by you ... who is loyal and honest etc. etc.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Well said Megan!

[Guest Refusing to choose]

I'm 24 and convinced and happy being genderqueer. I dress masculine, feminine, or somewhere in between and don't mind anymore being called by the male pronouns, but I prefer 'they' or 'their' etc. And I still have issues being identified as my birth sex ie. female, but I'm sure in time I'll grow more comfortable with it. I'm just thankful that my boyfriend and friends respect me enough to call me they.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

How wonderful to be able to be YOU at 24!! Beautiful!

[Guest agfrommd]

I wonder how others androgynes are dealing with the process of self acceptance. If they, have had to go through similar stages or if the process has been diifferent ... and in what ways it has been so.

I'm new to all of this. Not the genderqueer part - i"ve always been genderqueer, just new to thinking of myself that way.

I've had 50 years to get used to who I am, so the acceptance part hasn't been so hard. I've always known I wished I was female. It didn't bother me. It was just me. The problem has been that I don't make friends well with other males - I feel uncomfortable around them and prefer closer friendships, where we can share confidences, be emotionally vulnerable, provide support, etc. Most men are not comfortable with these types of friendships. It wasn't an issue in college - men and women were friends all over the place, but as I've gotten older, gotten married, etc., it's more and more awkward to make friends with women.

I still accept myself, but this year I've stopped accepting my life, if that makes sense. I want more friends, and that's led me to look into myself and face my gender issues. I'm allowing myself to act feminine when I feel that way, and not to let artificial barriers to keep me from reaching out to potential friends.

We'll see how that works...

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I still accept myself, but this year I've stopped accepting my life, if that makes sense. I want more friends, and that's led me to look into myself and face my gender issues. I'm allowing myself to act feminine when I feel that way, and not to let artificial barriers to keep me from reaching out to potential friends.

We'll see how that works...

I love this agfrommd ... you will make plenty of freinds here ... count me in as one!

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Micha]

I wonder how others androgynes are dealing with the process of self acceptance. If they, have had to go through similar stages or if the process has been diifferent ... and in what ways it has been so.

Best to All,

Juniper Blue

Knew I freaking missed one, I meant to reply to this post weeks ago!

First off I need to impress how much in awe I am of anyone who can live confidently, honestly and with integrity.

So far I think my experience has been similar. As a child I didn't even notice, let alone care. Sometime in late elementary school it became important, and then things got very uncomfortable and most distressing. As a teen I tried to come off as if I didn't give a flyin' fungus about what anyone thought, but the very opposite was true. I have never been self confident, and I've always (and I resent admitting this at all, just so you know) needed acceptance and confirmation from others - depended on other people liking me. I hate that part of me, it's despicable.

I can talk pretty big sometimes, about ideals. In reality I feel very very small. I still don't have the courage to just do as I please and let anyone deal with their own opinions by themselves. Sometimes I kind of do wish I was absolutely alone - maybe then I wouldn't hold back for fear of what people I care about may think. I of course realize the folly of that thought, but it happens. Honestly I don't have any clear idea how to get to the "next phase." Feel like I've given up trying, as well as the facade, and I've just retreated into my closet, resigned to hiding.

[Guest agfrommd]

I have never been self confident, and I've always (and I resent admitting this at all, just so you know) needed acceptance and confirmation from others - depended on other people liking me. I hate that part of me, it's despicable.

Despicable? Permit me to suggest another word: Human.

I still don't have the courage to just do as I please and let anyone deal with their own opinions by themselves.

In my experience, this goes against human nature. We're pack animals and having the support of the herd is still important in modern society. In my profession (and just about every other one) the impression I make on people has a profound impact on how successful I am at doing my job. As people we're not wired that way.

Micha, I hope I'm not too forward in saying that as I read between your lines, it sounds like you're being very hard on yourself today. Not having courage is only one way of looking at it. Another way to look at it is that you are taking things at your own pace, being true to yourself by doing things in your own time. Time is a precious and loving gift you are giving yourself - letting yourself figure things out instead of pushing yourself beyond what you're comfortable with.

[Guest endlessummer]

"pack animals" a good point, agfrommd. That's our nature, but it's also human to have a will and imagination to do different from the rest of the pack :-)

People can't other than be wrong when they call me "he" or "she". I'm just trying to take it easier now, and it's working ok. I wish I could always be so easy about things, but I'm not yet that confident.

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Micha ... you are one of the most noble people I know and you have shown great courage in facing and preserving your true self against very intense and unrelenting pressure to do otherwise. I respect your decisiion to put your family first at this point in your life .. I know that you are "in there" ... you are beautifully alive and present. One day it will be the right time for you to blossom and emerge. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I admire you and I am so proud to have you in my life as a true friend.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I never knew the challenges gender queer - androgynous people face until I met "L" (privacy reasons for the initial only - and it is a gender neutral name I think - ha! Donno)

It was a face to face meeting - We were at an "Earth Based" spirituality organizational meeting at a sister Uniterian Universalist Church, and this person was presenting female. So she was smart and intelligent and spiritual - and later actually gave us a handful of special books that she didn't need anymore. The next meeting someone referred to L as he. So he was then suspected - in our estimate - to be probably intersexed, if not transsexual - no way to tell - age about 40 - some male and some female general characteristics.

So we had a chance to talk to him and invite him to our LTA-NO meeting. He was fascinated, as apparently he had read us as natal women and this changed that. And he was excited to know such a transgroup exists.

SO

At the LTA-NO meeting he came out with how he identified (male, but was not on hormones for either gender) but we STILL aren't clear on the birth gender, probably female but I am guessing. And the important thing here? We don't care. His is a very good person to know, and that is what matters. And we met his partner, a person identifying as a gay male (I think - still not clear). We ourselves confused the hell outta him - grin!

The point here? Obvious gender or not, doesn't mean a thing... you are what you are, and so are others.... and that is so good to finally understand after questioning your own gender for your entire life.

And the funny part? He told everyone at the meeting he originally thought I was a natal female - now that didn't hurt our budding friendship at all!

Lizzy