middle child

[Guest endlessummer]

Hi all, I was just wondering if any of you were growing up as the middle child of 3 girls, and if you had problems with it? My therapist says much of my androgyne/male behaviour has its root there. Like I was trying to stand out of the 3 and wanted to draw attention from my parents by being like that. My dad maybe wanted a boy as second child, so I (unconsiously) played the role of that son and my parents didn't much object.

But now I am technically adult, and deeply confused. I'm not living with my parents any more, but I seem to be still in that "role"... but on the other hand, this androgyne thing is just my identity now. Built up through all that growing up and family stuff, it's what I am. But it's a very labile identity and I don't know how it goes on.

[Guest Guest_SL]

This is a complex issue and I'd suggest a gender therapist to help you seek your identity. Technically an adult tells me that you're still fairly young and you probably need some objectivity from a trained professional.

This is a good place to air your feelings and get some feedback but to move forward will take some face to face sessions in real time.

Best of luck,

Sara

[Guest Micha]

My feelings existed long before I had any siblings, and having 3 younger sisters hasn't changed that.

The logic could go any which way though. Someone could try to tell me that my mother would have preferred a daughter, and that emerged subconsciously in how I was raised. Or perhaps being raised by a single mother did it, by not giving me a male role model. To all that I say bollocks.

In the end, it won't change who we are and how we feel, so regardless of the source or the cause, your feelings are as real and valid as mine. For me, I would prefer to move forward, and figure out how to live with how I feel, instead of trying to figure out what caused me to feel this way in the first place. Just my approach, in all it's subjectivity.

[Guest endlessummer]

thanks for your answers!

Yes, like I said I am in therapy for quite a time now, and the sessions really help me. I wanted to know how my growing up and family constellation affected me and my identity.

That's how I think sometimes too, Micha, like they can tell me what they want, I won't change. But on the other hand it could be I change my ways of thinking and prevent getting in depressions again, which are certainly connected with my issues about gender. I don't know how to explain it but I'm not a happy androgyne, sometimes I have the feeling I didn't choose it, or that I've been pushed in it... Then again, I want to be androgyne all the way, or be totally neutral...

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I agree with Micha on this ... I would encourage you to keep exploring what feels good to you. You are perfect, just as you are ... your happiness is what is most important. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to express you gender ... just listen ot your heart and be open to YOU!

[Guest Alder]

I'm the first to admit that I have a brother complex, I'm the younger of two children and have always looked up to my older brother for guidance... always, he's the reason I started drawing, the reason for well possibly most of my nurtured behaviors. That does no however, mean that I am any less unsure that being female is not who I am. Yes, there are some very strong influences, but as my mother will admit I was never "girly" no matter how much I do enjoy wearing pretty dresses because they look pretty, I still feel weird in them and run around like a rampant ox.

I did however, go to counseling mostly for the confusion of my complex, knowing that my parents loved having a baby girl, and other things. As previously stated, continuing to discuss things with your counselor as well as even your siblings and parents may help you to understand things better. Above all, being a person who makes you happy and comfortable in your own skin is the most important factors, be it nature or nurture.

[Guest endlessummer]

Thank you all for your encouraging comments! I already feel better in my own skin when I'm reading this. :-)

[Guest Micha]

Thank you all for your encouraging comments! I already feel better in my own skin when I'm reading this. :-)

You should, it is yours after all. Make yourself at home in it.

[Guest Weaver]

I am the youngest in a family of 5 children and (obviously) two parents.

Three of my siblings are only half-siblings to me, since they have either another father or mother.

One of my brothers did not live with us, but with his mother, all 4 of the rest lived with my mom and dad.

My other brother moved from home when I was 3 or 4 so I grew up as the youngest child with 2 sisters.

I don't know how much, or if it has had any effect on me at all. I hated one of my sisters up until half a year back

because of the misery she's been causing me.

What I can say is that I've always been allowed to be who I am. My parents know of my gender identity issues and they don't judge.

They know I am pansexual and they don't judge on that either. I've not grown up with any expectations of how I should behave

or who I should be.

If you let a melon grow in a rectangular bottle, it will become shaped like the bottle. I didn't really have a bottle.

I understand that the environment you grew up in can be troublesome for your mentality now.

I think you need to spend some time doing some introspection, keep track of yourself so to speak.

The question of 'who' you are is impossible to answer for you alone. It's a flawed question to ask yourself

because you put yourself in the position, of observing yourself.

It's mostly a waste of time since nothing can be objective in that seat. Doctor's go to other doctor's you know?

What I'd recommend is that you continue speaking to your therapist and thinking about what you want, and how you are going

to accomplish it. Time is a keyword here, and you need some to solve this.

[Guest endlessummer]

Yes, thanks, Weaver!

I don't think that observing myself and questioning myself who I am would ever be a waste of time. I'm certainly thankful for help from a therapist, because he shows me how to look at my issues objectively, but at last it's me who really helps me :-)

I agree that it takes pretty much time to feel better with all of this. And to understand that my parents are to the story as well.