Reason For Transition

[Guest John68]

Hello, many of you may remember me for posting in the parent's section about my son coming out as transgender. I have a question for the rest of the transgender, specifically transsexual, community. Why have you felt the need to transition. I understand that there is no binary when it comes to our personal emotions and feelings. Masculinity and femininity are stereotypes assigned to our genders, and generally refer to the extreme personalities of the two. Each person is different, and can thus have a different degree of masculinity and femininity. The question is, and I am addressing this to the male-to-female population, but the females-to-males may answer as well, what made you want to transition? Even if you felt feminine, what exactly drove you into permanently changing your body to become female?

John

[Guest Emily1]

I am pre-transition, so i'm not sure if my opinion helps at all, but I am considering going through with this, and I am a teenager (from your wording, im guessing so is your child). The two reasons why I want to transition are because I want to be seen by society as the gender I feel like and simply because it feels.....right. As it is, I am expected by society to be strong, competitive, etc, but when I act weak, do something feminine (i love sewing and other feminine tasks), or wear the clothing i like (dresses and other feminine stuff), others simply consider me weird. By changing my body, others will realize that I am a girl, and accept me as one. Also, when I wear padding, tuck, or in any other way pretend that I am female, I find it much more comfortable - it just seems right.

Also, not sure how long you have had already to get used to it, but if i were your child, I would much prefer to be called your daughter, instead of son. Again, I don't know exactly where in the process you are yet, or how used to this you are, but if my parents were to call me their daughter, I would unbelievably appreciate that.

[Guest John68]

Hello Emily,

Thank you for your response. This is new to me. The concept of transition is a fairly foreign one to me. For those of you who have not read my other posts, my son (daughter?) is 15 years old, and told me about his desire to be a girl about three weeks ago. I am trying to understand why he wants this, and besides what he has told me, I am looking here for more reasons.

So Emily, you say that your reason for transitioning is to be accepted as a girl by society? You want to fill the stereotypes, and not stick out as the "odd one". You just do not want to be criticized for feminine behavior. I can understand that.

John

[Guest Liam]

Deciding whether or not to transition wasn't the easiest thing for me. I don't have the typical FTM experience of coming out of the womb hating pink and refusing to wear dresses. I'm not particularly feminine, but I'm not uber masculine either. So, for me, the decision to transition wasn't because I didn't feel like my masculinity couldn't fit into a female role. It was that *I* couldn't fit into a female role. If I were to remain a woman, I would fit quite well into the butch community. But I know, somewhere deep inside of me, that I am not a woman; I am a man. It's something I really can't explain. I simply feel infinitely more comfortable living as and being perceived as a guy.

My mom asked me essentially the same questions, in different words, when I came out as genderqueer a while back, and I know she'll ask again when I come out to her as FTM. "How can you know what it feels like to be a man?" "Can't you just live as a masculine woman?" Truthfully, I don't know what it feels like to be a man, or a woman for that matter; I just know what it feels like to be myself, and my self is happier and more authentic as male. It's hard to understand, I know. But just because gender and gender roles are socially constructed doesn't mean that they're not real.

[Guest mwade1981]

Well I'm no longer a teenager, and I'm also just starting my transition. And for me I know that I can blend in as a male esaly. so my desire to transition has little to do with not standing out. Now that's not to say that I want to shout to the world that I'm transgendered. I would love it if I could just blend in to society as a normal girl. But the key there is as a girl. I've come to a point were I realise that I will never be comfortable or happy as a guy. So my desire to transition is not as much for acceptance from the world around me, but more to make me feel more complete, more hole, less like I'm trying to pretend to be something that eveyone wants me to be and just be myself. I know I'm not realy describing this very clearly, but I've only recently been trying to express it to any one other than myself.

Morgan

[Guest Evan_J]

Unless I'm misinterpreting, I'm not going to answer the "what makes me feel I'm transgendered question" but "why physically transition". For me, that answer is because I'm constantly clashing (sometimes in very serious ways) with the rest of the world when they are left interacting with me based on what they see. My thoughts, wants, intentions, motivations, and expectations are 180degrees to everything thats anticipated, expected, believed and in the most hostile circumstances "demanded" by some people. There becomes a point where its almost safer for me to be in the "correct" body because of the hostility created for some people to encounter who I am in a body where those things are not just "unacceptable" but almost outrage provoking when performed by the physicality of a female. As a male my interaction with society is much smoother. Those thoughts, manner, motives -even when they are negative ones- are "aniticipated" in a man. And its true of both the men and the women. Do I ever encounter less than friendly folk as male? Yes. But typically only if the party in question has at some other time seen me without binding or such and so "knows". To those who have never seen me outside of a totally male appearance, no.

Plus, there's a day where you get a little too close to taking your own life because you look down, or in a mirror, or somebody calls you the "wrong pronoun" and you can't stay like that; its too horrible, demeaning, degrading, embarassing, and insulting.....

[Guest Zabrak]

Hi, there. My names Kyle and my a FTM.

I have not started my transition yet, but I will as soon as I can. So you know I haven't got the chance to change my body in any way yet but I feel as strongly about this as anyone who is going through the process.

First of all, the "reason I choose this" is because I need this. Every part of my body and mind tells me its what I need to do. Ever since I was small I was haunted by dreams about being in the wrong body. When I was really little...I read a childrens book that told me if I drew a picture of what I wanted and put it under my pillow before I slept, in the morning my wish woudl come true. At first I truely thought it would work and at night I would draw or find a picture of a boy and put it under my pillow. I would wish every night that in the morning I would wake up and be a boy. It did this on and off for years right into the start of high school. When I admited to myself 'magic' and 'wishes' could never help me...well I spent a year in deep depression. I went 'goth' in school that year. Without adding more to my story, I've fallen in and out of depression for years due to my feelings towards my sex.

I was plagued, no, I was haunted by my need to become a boy, or as close as I could be to a boy. I'm doing this for more then I just want to do it...I'm doing it because I need to do it for my mental health.

[Guest Nelly]

Hi,

for me there a lot of small things that fits better if I would be a woman. Some of them are society stuff, other are just body stuff like hairless body or so.

If you want to know how does it feel to get the preasure to transition try to imagine how do you feel to live as a woman. Does it feel good? I think no. For you it is just imagination but for your child it is reality. It must live the wrong role.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest ChrissyK]

Interesting question.

So Emily, you say that your reason for transitioning is to be accepted as a girl by society? You want to fill the stereotypes, and not stick out as the "odd one". You just do not want to be criticized for feminine behavior. I can understand that.

This is somewhat true for me, but then again, transition is mostly, in my understanding, the fulfilling of one's own happiness. Again, our own happiness is somehow tied to stereotypes and societal norms. This is similar to what Evan has said.

And yes, I hate being called the "wrong pronoun", I don't know, I just never liked it, even since I was a kid. Being called a "Boy" was okay, but the others makes me feel horrible.

[Sally]

This has to be the hardest thing to understand for anyone without gender identity issues. It is very difficult to explain exactly, but I'll try to set up something that is rather trivial as a comparison that might make you realize that on the much larger scale why this is important.

To address the not feeling comfortable in your own body in society, imagine that you have been invited to a party and you arrive in typical casual party attire (nice shirt, slacks and a sports coat) and you discover that everyone else is in Black Tie Formal. You feel out of place and try to explain to each person that you meet that you were not informed of the dress code - it is an uncomfortable evening for you. Now try to imagine that you arrive dressed as everyone else, but you know in your heart that you're not in a tux, maybe a track suit or in my case a formal ball gown. You feel just as uncomfortable, but you can't explain it to anyone because you don't look out of place you just know that you are. Now imagine that the party never ends and you can't leave.

That 'out of place' feeling is with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week - not always on your conscience mind, but always there just below the surface. This constant conflict doesn't go away and doesn't 'ease up' with age - I'm 57 and married (well seperated) and the need to transition continues to get stronger. In the next few years depending on finances after the divorce, I will undergo the hormone treatment and the SRS surgery. I know that it will not make my life perfect, cure all ills and just live happily ever after - life isn't like that, but I will at last be truely and openly myself. I have been talking to transsexual women at all stages of transitioning and I have found that while life's curcumstances don't change - unemployment, finances and relationship problems still exist but for those who are now content that they 'match body and soul' it is much easier to deal with because the biggest conflict is gone.

Even women who transition very late in life and quite frankly don't have a chance of 'passing' are happier because for the first time in their lives they are at peace with themselves. No one can be truely happy when their mind and body do not match.

That's about as well as I can explain these very strong feelings, I hope that helps a little.

If you can love your daughter as much as you love your son, she will be one of the luckiest people on the planet.

I admire you for trying to learn as much as possible rather than just blindly striking out against a concept so unfamiliar to you. You are an exceptional man and a fantastic father. You had said in a different post that you were not sure if you could support your child's desire to transition, but that you would always love him (or her). The fact that you continue to try to understand indicates to me that you will really support her - you already are.

My deepest respect and admiration for you and best of luck for you and your child. All of my love and prayers go to you two and your remarkable relationship. You have something special and you know it, that's why you are working so hard to preserve it. Your child knows it too.

Sally

[Guest Nelly]

Hi Sally,

I like your explanation with the party.

I try to explain another feeling you have. As a small kid you are dreaming what you want to be if you are big. E.g.. a boy want to be a firefigther. So you allways dream to be someone but you are not able to be it because of wrong gender. I found it out when I look to ohter women in the city. As a normal man I would say you get the idea "Oh, nice girl, I need to have sex with her" but I get the idea "Oh, nice girl, I want to look like her" than came the bad feeling if you realice that you will never be like her. That make you sad for the rest fo the day.

I also do not like the role I have to play as a man. Open the door is okay but entering the restaurant first or paying the bill is not okay for me. I hade it. For me this are typical male jobs.

Greetings

Nelly

[Guest Emily1]

Hello Emily,

Thank you for your response. This is new to me. The concept of transition is a fairly foreign one to me. For those of you who have not read my other posts, my son (daughter?) is 15 years old, and told me about his desire to be a girl about three weeks ago. I am trying to understand why he wants this, and besides what he has told me, I am looking here for more reasons.

So Emily, you say that your reason for transitioning is to be accepted as a girl by society? You want to fill the stereotypes, and not stick out as the "odd one". You just do not want to be criticized for feminine behavior. I can understand that.

John

How long has your son/daughter been thinking about this, from the way you say things, it sounds to me like he/she recently started thinking about things - its always important to think about this for a long time before coming to any conclusions, especially for teens who have hormones confusing them. I spent 4 years sorting out what exactly I was.

It's not so much that i just want to "fill the stereotypes," its more like what Evan and Sally are describing - I would rather have society interact with me as a female, and I always know this, but nobody else does.

[Guest Zabrak]

I guess I should add this..

Transitioning for me is less about fitting labels and more about being who I am. I want to be accepted as male so that people see me as one and treat me like one because its who I am. You cannot deny your brain sparks different responses to when you see/speak to a male or female.

[Guest julia_d]

Zabrack hits the nail square on. I transitioned because it became impossible to live the lie any longer. It was killing me. I was out of options short of jumping off a roof.

[Guest Donna Jean]

John...Please understand that there are as many reasons to transition as grains of sand on the beach....But, altogether they make up ..A beach...We all have variations on the theme, but, the same basics...

Many trans people know that there is something wrong at 4-5 years old and verbalize it right then and there! Others are confused and try to conform to the constricts of society- Male-female roles.

Some people live their entire lives in wretched misery and take the secret to the grave. Many come out along the way at different stages of their life depending on many things.

A male does not have to seem girly at any time to have this problem. Case in point..myself...

I was a combat crew member on C-130's in Viet Nam..Owned a business...married 30 years..motorcycle..custom truck that I love to work on...BUT.............it was always there....

Now at this point in my life I'm doing it ..Wife loves and supports me and although it creates some special problems....well so be it. I will finally feel whole....I never displayed any girly behavior, but, here I am ready to end years of misery.

Like the old TV show, there's a million reasons out there with a common base. We're all different, yet, that's why we come here for help, advice, companionship, answers, and to know that ....you are not alone!!!!

So, John...best to your daughter and to you..may you learn lots and find answers..

If it was not meant to be, it will come out...if it was meant to be ...so be it...

My best wishes to you both

Peace in your hearts....

Donna Jean

[Guest RainBird]

Wanting to perminantly change my body to female is something I've yearned for in my heart most of my life, getting stronger as I grew older and learned more. As a younger child before high school I was confused and I was led to believe these thoughts and desires to be a girl and have a feminine body were some weird kind of thinking disorder that I never let out to anyone so I just tried to act male and 'be one of the boys' so to speak as a result, most of my childhood and teenage years I had to see councellors and psychiatrists due to these contradictions between my inner self and my pysical body which led to regular admissions to hospital and bad epsodes.

For me, transition is an important goal and steeping stone towards my freedom, my rights, becoming myself and and being able to live in harmony inside and out.

I have significantly improved mentally since coming out and starting transition, I have gone from being a grumpy, drug smoking, depressed person constantly requiring mental health care, to becoming a bright, happy, drug free woman with an edge for life and a love for art and nature, I'm a passionate storm chaser and photographer and I also own my own photography business.. It just goes to show, when you listen to your heart and stop ignoring it, your life turns around in a beautiful, positive way and everything starts to fit together.

Yes it is hard at times, but regardless of being trans or not, there will always be poeple who give you a hard time.

I hope this helps

xo

[Guest DystopiaGoddess]

I can not speak for anyone other then myself.

I "decided" to transition to bring my mind's eye and my physical eye in to agreement on what they each saw. The internal conflict that arose each time I looked in to the mirror and was "greeted" with the raging inconsistencies was overwhelming, and I could no longer deal with the erosion the of my sanity. It was for that reason I "opted" for transition and ultimately surgery. For me the inner peace that came from the chaos wrought from transition is worth its weight in gold.

Don't know if this helps or makes sense.

Cheers