They're Driving Me Insane.

[Guest Quinn]

Oookay.

You know, really, I think I'm a patient kid. I came out to my parents nine months ago, afterall, and there has been no -seriously, no, none, zip, zero- progress on their behalf. My friends have come really far, I have come very far...and them? Nowhere. But I like to think I haven't complained much more than the normal guy; sure I get exasperate once in a while, but...I digress.

My parents are going to drive me mad. First there is my dad. Now, my dad doesn't agree with this at all. Thinks I was put in this body for a reason, doesn't think I should do it because I'll never "really" be a guy, it'll just be like putting on a costume, whatever. He doesn't think hormone therapy and surgery are natural, it goes against nature, blah blah. It's really hard to talk to him, because it's such a personal thing. I can't tell him why, exactly, I want to live as a guy. I know that it doesn't make a difference what sex/gender someone is in life, I know I don't care whether someone I meet is a guy or girl. But on a personal level it matters to me what I'm seen as. Not because I think I'll have more benefits being perceived as a guy or anything...but just...because. And that wouldn't be a good explanation to him. Plus he said something about this basically just being a decision to be gay? Because I like girls or something? I'm pansexual anyways, but...apparently because "no one will see me as a guy" and I "don't fit the part" anyways, it's really just me being gay. You know, he wouldn't ask a gay person to live straight because it'd be easier on them. But apparently it's more than acceptable to tell me to accept a different lifestyle because mine doesn't make sense and I can live just as normally as a girl. He also basically blackmails me, saying that my mom will have a mental breakdown because of it, my sisters won’t have anything to do with me. He says that I can get the same things I want out of life if I stay living as a girl – so why should I bother changing? I don’t even know how to express it to him. It’s personal. How do you explain that?

Then you have my mom. My mom who basically argues with me every time I try to gently bring the subject up. I've tried to lightly suggest that we really look at getting me a gender therapist, because my therapist isn't even that, and she snaps at me. "I don't feel like talking about this." So I told her we need to talk about it, and really, all she ends up telling me is that I'm going to rip the family apart, and that their happiness -seeing as there are more of them- should more or less overrule mine. And I've tried telling her that their happiness and reaction is a CHOICE...how I was born WASN'T. If they want to let it rip the family apart, that is their choice. I don't want it to happen, but I can't stop them! They get to choose. I didn't. They can make as big or small a deal out of it as they want, but according to her, that’s not true. Oh, and did I mention that my friends are only taking it so well because it is so much different for them? She tells me she doesn't get why I just can't be me. And really, isn't that what I'm trying to do?! But no. She means as she sees me. As she wants me to be. As Brigette. She doesn't think hormone therapy or surgery should be done either, but oh, it was fine when my sister Lei got breast implants. Also, whenever I try and bring up changing to a gender therapist...she always tells me I'm too impatient.

I'm too impatient. My dad tells me. My mom tells me. Even when I try and talk to the friggen therapist about it, SHE tells me I'm just being impatient and then quickly changes to the next subject! And you know what? There's no gender therapists even around here anyways.

I'm just getting really tired. Yeah. Maybe I am impatient. I'm seventeen now and I want to get this over with as soon as I can! I want to start seeing a gender therapist so at least SOME progress is being made. And even if it is a lot easier for my friends, at least in 9 months, you’d think my parents could make some progress. But they’re in denial, they think it’s wrong, and BECAUSE they think it’s wrong, and don’t seem to realize it’s an actual problem, they don’t do anything about it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m about to go to college. Why can’t I just get some of this started so I can try and have a clean slate? Or at least be prepared? Why can’t they at least realize that this IS what I’m going to do, and try and make some progress? What do I even say in return to their arguments?

They’re driving me insane, man. This shouldn’t be so ridiculous. They’re making it so much harder than it needs to be and I’m going to lose it. Guhh. I don’t know what to do anymore. Basically. And…kudos to anyone who really read this all.

[Guest TBForLife]

Ok first YOU are not ripping the family apart. They are adults and they can choose to react however they like. But although you can't expect them to accept you or handle it well at first they could be smart and educate themselves.

This is what I said to my mom.

I THINK this is the right thing for ME. I need to talk to a therapist. I Understand and Appreciate Your Concerns. BUT You need to meet me half way. MAYBE I can be happy as a girl. BUT I'll never know that if you won't help and support me.

This is hard for ME TOO. I should have just been born a boy but for some unknown reason I have been born female. I can't help that but with your support and love I can come to understand how to deal with it now.

I don't know why I can't be happy as a girl, I wish I could just be happy the way I am but I really unhappy and need to understand these feelings because I am happy as a boy.

I don't want to tear the family apart. Mom, I know this is hard on you but it's hard on me too. Let's help me as a family.

Beg her to educate herself because you need her love and support. Reach out to her and tell her you need her. Dont fight them. Dont push them away. Tell them you love them and need them and need to solve this problem with their support and understanding.

You know you want to transition. That's what the therapist is going to say. And with them totally on board about it then it's going to work because they will come to a working understanding of your needs through their own education.

They will help you understand your gender and get help so that the family wont fall apart and your mom wont be stressed out but they wont help you transition until you trick them into being concerned as you need their support.

Give in, say "maybe youre right" "I think we should talk to someone who can help me understand this feeling" and go that route to get them to support you in what they will think is being their daughter.

They will then open up to learning about why trans people need to transition and how it will make your life better and their lives will be ok, not like they have a shortage of daughters eh?

[Guest sphere]

Dude, I am going through the exact same thing, except for the fact that I'm not out to my dad.

I told my mom over 6 months ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Now...?

It's like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED and it is driving me crazy. I know the feeling of just wanting to jump into transition already, at least get a gender therapist or something. My mom still treats me like a girl though and won't even buy me guy's clothes, even though it already looks like I'm wearing guy's clothes. The only difference between before I came out and now is that she apologizes every time something happens like if I need to use a public restroom, and I shamefully go to the women's. plah.

patience is so difficult. I was never good at this "patience."

[Guest TBForLife]

Should get a p n p and go to the womens and stand.

My friend once insisted I use the womens with her "You can't...go in..the mens!" So I said ok!

Kicked open one of the stalls, and without closing the door, stood there and did my thing with a few women in the washroom. Who left, disgusted that a guy was in there and I left before security was called but it really proved that I can't use the womens which was fun to see the reactions.

Have no fear, have no shame. Get er done and live life the way you want it.

The easiest way to feel failure is by allowing your doubt in. Know who you are and how you will be and be it. It is that simple action that starts off the respect from others.

And if you can't get mom to buy mens clothes than go to cheap thrift stores, get them from food banks or youth centers whatever you need to do. There are lots of ways to get free clothes. When I was 14-18 I just borrowed from friends or wore my dads.

One good way is freecycle network where you can post that you're looking for mens clothes sized whatever and they'll have someone who will have clothes to hand off. Thats how I dress two kids on a limited income!

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Hey man, I totally get what you are saying. I'm an old man, so my parents don't have me under their thumbs anymore, but they are saying at least some of the same stuff and expressing a lot of the same feelings. Like you, I don't feel like transitioning should be such a huge big deal. It isn't like I have cancer or am going to die. I've finally come to accept and embrace my true identity. That should be a GOOD thing, not a cause for weeping and gnashing of teeth. What gives?

Being patient IS hard. I don't think your impatience is unreasonable at all. Once I decided that transition was the right thing for me, I was all about getting on with things. Within 6 months, I was able to start T and will have my chest surgery before the end of the year. The difference for me is that I don't have to ask my parents permission for stuff anymore. I didn't tell them when I started seeing a gender therapist. I didn't tell them when I started T. I didn't tell them when I scheduled chest surgery. I'm out to them and all, but I don't have to tell them everything I'm doing. The down side to all of this? I have to pay for it all myself, which has been a TREMENDOUS bummer.

Why am I telling you this? Because there IS hope! ...but it probably involves a little more waiting. Keep talking to your parents. Don't give in. Do well in school. Disagree with them without being disrespectful (it's hard, I know). Show them that you have things together and that this is not a passing whim. Even if you aren't the type of person to change your mind and life philosophy from week to week, a lot of people your age ARE like that. Your parents are probably thinking that you'll get over it if they keep delaying things. The best way to get through to your parents is to kick butt in every way imaginable, but to keep talking to them and letting them know how you feel. Try to educate them and encourage them to do some research on their own. It's kind of like the very eastern idea of "water on the rock". You don't necessarily see a huge effect from day to day, but over enough time you end up with the Grand Canyon. The clear benefit for you is that, if you can get through to your parents, they are likely to help and support you while you transition. With the road I chose, I get to do what I want, but I also have to do it by myself. My parents live in another state and I don't talk to them a whole lot. They have accepted my choices, but they aren't too happy about them.

What if this doesn't work? There WILL eventually be a day when you can transition and there is nothing they can do about it other than just get mad. You will live in an impregnable fortress of grown-up-ness. Again, you might have to do some more waiting...it will not be fun...but you'll make it. This is why the good grades thing is important. Good grades open doors...doors full of MONEY, CHOICES, and FREEDOM. When you have your own money, your parents have nothing to hold over your head. When you have a good job with a good salary, you have a lot more flexibility about where, when, and how you do things. It's AWESOME! At 17, that day isn't all that far away for you if you play your cards right. For me, I had to wait for a long, long time before I could cope with my gender issues. I chose to focus on other aspects of my life and it paid off.

Yeah, I realize my comforting advice is maybe not all that comforting. One thing that happens with age is that you can look at things over a longer temporal horizon. I'm sure you are going to feel impatient and all like GRRRRRRRRRRRR!! for a while...but try to look out into the future. Things do get better once you don't live with your parents. They react to you differently. You react to them differently. It's mostly cool.

College is awesome. Go to college far, far away from your parents. That is also very much AWESOME.

Hang in there!!

[Guest Jackson]

It does get better.

Now I'm old too. I've been away from the parental units for years. So this has been a big help. But my mother (God bless her strict Catholic soul) is the queen of denial. And drama. When I told my parents about this back in April, she said something to the effect that she'll die first before I transitioned. And she's still in denial now. My parents came down to visit and as soon as my dad said something about talking about this whole thing, she said "I can't talk about it." and the conversation ended. My dad's more relaxed about it, but he can't understand why I can't be happy just being myself (a woman).

So, next Tuesday, when I get my name changed, what's going to happen? Mom and Dad probably won't find out until mid-January. Why? Because it's not gonna come up in conversation. Why would it? Also because otherwise I'll hear about how I ruined the holidays.

So, on January 12, when I have my top surgery, what's going to happen? I've no idea, but the s**t's gonna hit the fan. I'll hear how I ruined Mom's birthday (11 days later).

But I am an adult. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. When I look back on life and see how I've finally gotten the cajones to stand up to my mother, I'm proud of myself.

I don't know what my parents are going to do. But it's also not my proud.

Chin up. It gets better. It just takes people time. My therapist told me that it usually takes parents about three to five years to accept a change like this. I know that people say that patience is a virtue. It's just we'd like patience right now.

[Guest TBForLife]

Yeah the best thing I did was move away and live my own life make my own choices. Stranded is telling it like it is there!

Best thing is for me that my mom misses me so much that she could care less if I were anything in the world as long as she is allowed in my world.

At first it's tolerance, then they get used to the idea that it's not changing, thats how you are, they love you and theres nothing they can do that will change the person you are or the love they have for you.

I was a little older than you when I came out. I was told it was a whim. A phase.

"You were goth last week, now you're a Buddhist?, this is just a phase too" Eh style and religion... nothing to do with each other. Buddhists can be goth... but mom assumed I was pagan/wiccan because I wore black and supported me by buying me pagan and wiccan stuff but I'm obviously a Buddhist and don't follow wicca at all....I threw the witches handbook she bought me right at her one time because I was insulted. But she just thought one leads to the other. So naturally it was "But you like boys" Yes! I do! I'm Gay/Bi! "Only lesbians transition"..."Gay men don't date females you can't date gay men...." "if they date you they're not really gay they're more confused than you are".

Mom is STILL confused about ALL OF THIS. But thats OK. She knows I'm a guy- thats all I care.

What I'm Trying to say is...They won't ever completely understand.

They will most likely eventually accept you. Maybe even support you.

But they will always love you.

[Guest leo]

hey i'm kinda going through the same thing, but im in early stages

im leoner, well prefered to be called leo and im 18

i came out as a lesbian to my friends at like 14 and my parents when i was 17, they didnt take it brilliantly,

and only now is my mum even referrin me as a lesbian

but deep down i know the truth is that i wona be a guy and always have been

i was raised with 3 brothers and no sisters and i have always felt one of them even when i had female influences it didnt change me one bit

my ex used to treat me like a guy, call me leo and such and that made me realise thats what i wona be

but i dont wona hurt my parents again and im my mums only daughter, i feel like iv failed her as a child

i dont no what my next steps should be, talk to a doctor or what?

and how should i approach my mum?