A Conundrum

[Guest rita63]

I wasn't going to go to my support group last night as I was working late, but I caught a ride with a friend (not trans) and arrived late. It was a good meeting and I was glad I went.

After one of the girls gave three of us a ride home and we stopped for coffee and girl talk. I wasn't really dressed, my hair showing the effects of washing dishes for 500 patients, but I have one femme set of scrubs (bought a while ago by mistake) so I wore them (taylored to cross the breasts).

One girl, a post op trans had just seperated from heer GG partner, another is just starting like me and needs some hair. So a trip for shopping and culture to the big smoke (Toronto) was proposed. A stop at a trans bar to see a show was the icing on the cake. They know I am an alchoalic and have never made it an issue. A day out as rita would be a first and a big thrill iincluding the drag show and sends shivers up and down my spine. But do I trust myself with only 9 months sober to be in a bar and enjoying my self and the other girls with soda pop.

How many others have fallen away persuing somthing they have always wanted to do. Is this a selfish persuite or a stage in new growth with new friends? Any thoughts would be helpful, thanks.

hugs rita

[VickySGV]

I know I have shared this before here somewhere, but I too have an active conundrum on this. Even back in my CD days when I was not even considering transition, when I was in female mode, I had no urges to drink, or intentions of accepting one. I even have a story about an admirer who was buying drinks for me, which although near me, I never touched, and stuck to my tonic water and lime. Guess which one of us for whom the taxi rolled. (He did not let my drinks go to waste, but he sure got wasted!!) It was a night when I realized how much fun it was to NOT be drinking. The major CD hangouts here in So. Cal. are in bars with dance floors. From 2007 to 2008 when I had relapsed, I had two times out dressed the entire time and came home shaking from withdrawl and only had drinks after I had gone male again.

A family member who was being nasty to me, and who outed me complained how crazy it was that <male name> was a lush, but Vicky never touched alcohol and how crazy it was. (This happened at the 90 day mark in my current recovery/) I actually thought about it, and decided it was crazy, my female self is sure of herself and healthy and happy, what use is the alcohol, I did not drink as "him" to be happy, just numb from the unhappiness I had.

Nine months is not a magical number one way or another, its your state of mind about it. As myself, I had no trouble going and sitting at a table almost an arms length from the bar at about 6 weeks into this recovery, but a few months later, when I had to go into a bar on official business (the company owed some taxes) it creeped me out a little bit, but did not break my nerve. If your friends know about you, and will not be getting sloppy and pushing drinks on you like my admirer did, and your point is to go out as your female self and not to have alcohol you may be ok.

Have a plan and stick to it. I love plain tonic water and double lime twist, but Coca Cola or ginger ale work for a couple of my friends in the same boat, so order what you like and smile. If you start feeling uneasy, have a plan to get to somewhere close that is safe. Near the places I have gone, there is usually a late night coffee shop that is cool with TG's, or which simply has no one in it that will care. Make sure your friends know where you have gone. Offer to meet them at the coffee shop at a certain time for a late night snack. Offer to take the car keys and keep them if necessary. There are places that give designated drivers free soda pop and coffee. Make having fun as yourself your first priority. I'll even bet the two folks you are going with may forego the giggle water in respect for you. If a problem comes up, you have the resources (including Michele and myself) to pick up and go ahead from an accident. Getting out and comfortable is an important part of our lives, and this trans girl owes her sobriety to fully getting out and being the right person.

[Charlize]

Dear Rita, When i quit drinking i quit going out as my female self. I couldn't think of anywhere fun to go with friends except bars and that was no good for me. i just gave both up and went crazy as a result. Then i realized i could just go out and live my life as a woman doing the shopping, errands, museums, life in general. This does it for me now. I'm not fully out but move around pretty well. My sobriety has helped me be honest about who i am to myself and my family.

Going to a bar would not be something i would recommend. If its your only way out, go for it. You have a reason at that point. You are obviously worried and thats a good thing. Your life is on the line. Booze kills with one drink. Its always that first one. Drinking soda on the rocks, Telling your friends that you have an allergy that will kill you. Good things to do. It's up to you.

I have to go to art openings and have moved past my original fear that i would drink. That is part of my work. There is a reason to take the risk. Is it worth it to you?

Vickie's escape plan is great. Don't hang out if you have any doubts or don't go to the bar in the first place.

Sorry to be a worrywart. You're a big girl

Hugs, Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

Early in sobriety, don't go in a barbershop unless you plan on getting a haircut...

There will be many many more opportunities and you are going to have an absolutely wonderful life becoming the best Rita you can be if you stay sober. Patience is advised.

Michelle