Need Advise

[Guest debo]

ok like im sry for bugging yall so much i just got alot of to deel with ok like i feel like i was born a girl but ppl r makein me feel so bad bout it iv ben depressed for bout 2 mouth now i just started seeing a couneler this week to deel with all this nuts but idk anymore like i just told my mom 3 weekes ago bout all this i have ben thinking bout all this for 3 years and i just came out and told my mom and sister and a couple of my friends but my mom the one night i was talking to her bout it and she like i really dont want to loose my son to a girl and like i quess it aint nothing bad it got to me and i got drunk that night and just felt so quilty bout it and then my friend i just got off the fone with her and shes like i really dont think like all this nuts that ur feelin u know and it upset me and iv ben sittin here crying and thinking its like idk anymore im just so counfused and like what do i do i mean do i live up to what everyone wants me to be and be unhappy or live my life the way it sould be and have everyone hate me for it i mean the only reason i get on here to ask for advise is cuz like i have noone around who understands what im deal with i mean do u ppl think im a bad person for feelin this way i mean im only 15 and i got to deal with all this its just so hard i just dont know anymore

[Guest Emily1]

do i live up to what everyone wants me to be and be unhappy

NO FREAKIN WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 things to say: just because society thinks you are not "normal" doesn't mean that you shouldn't be that way. I take pride in being very unusual in many different ways, not just my transsexuality. Don't worry about your differences, celebrate them.

Also, (not sure about this at all, just a guess) I recently read a thread from "John68" talking about a 15 year old son/daughter who told him about 3 weeks ago that he/she thought he/she was transsexual, and your post reminded me of this. If you have not yet read what I think might be your parent's thread, you should, as he seems to be rather supportive, and is trying to get this, but worried for your well-being, and doesn't want to go through anything permanent, in case you are not actually transsexual:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...?showtopic=4523

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/in...c=4519&st=0

Hope everything goes fine,

Emily

[Guest Evan_J]

No Debo, you are not bad. Nothing you have done is bad. And nothing that you feel is bad either. I hate that people outside of ourselves think it is their place or business to attempt to create any feeling for another individual to try to coerse them into a differernt feeling or idea that they prefer. But it happens. However much you or I hate it, it happens. There are people in this world who are not satisfied with only having the right to change their own feelings, to determine their own identity, to keep whatever choices they need exclusive to just them. Therefore, it becomes necessary for each of us to realize that they are out of line, they are imposing, and no one has the right, authority, or entitlement to that for another person. At times people clash and they clash over actions or ideals that may affect more than one individual in a public or political way, in those cases the clashing is because each seeks to preserve his own rights to self determination. More often though we clash with people in a much more mundane way, one where shear personal comfort is the motivation as no threat to the individuals own autonomy is at stake. Thats whats happening in your instance. Your being trans has no chance of causing a change in the sex identity, nor rights, or treatment related to sex identity, of any of the people you listed and yet they want to determine yours for you so that they can remain comfortable. And for that, what they would like to do is reprehensible. And it behooves you, the same way it behooves us then to find that place within ourselves that ultimately is us and refuse to let it be changed by someone else who has no right to who we are.

Don't give up who you are to make other people happy. Which one of these is giving up their happiness for you?

The problem with giving away your own happiness is that no one else can use it really. They already honestly had their own.

I know that in life mothers "give up" quite a bit "for their children". But do they really? Most mothers become mothers because they want to be mothers. Theres a satisfaction in being that that they were seeking and so endeavored to become that. It what made them happy about being in the process (being pregnant) of becoming it. So in truth all of whats necessary for the betterment and well being of that child is something that they needed to have to perform in their lives to culminate that happiness. In which case they aren't "giving" anything up really, are they? They're finishing satisfying their original endeavor. And somebody is sure to not like that I said that because its the accepted social practice to martyr all mothers by reason of motherhood. But in truth they perform what they perform because it satisfies a preexisting want that they originated without you.

Should you thank your mother for all the loving things she's done for you? Yes.

Should you respect her? Always.

But don't confuse, love, thankfulness, or respect with thinking that means she's entitled to your life or your happiness.

Motherhood is supposed to be a "selfless" act. But if women impose self-oriented obligations on the gift "so freely (freely???) given" then it isn't.

I hope you can work things out with evefyone in your life but I especially hope that you can work things out with her. She's one of the few people you're linked to forever, good or bad. And its easier (which is actually what you're starting to feel) if its good.

But however it turns out, never feel that you "failed" anybody. You never do if you don't fail youself and are honest about it. The rest is for them to work out. The only person you can control is you.

Yes their may be some shock. And she certainly is probably going to experience some grief, but that does not mean you've "failed".

[Sally]

Debo,

I have to say that Evan and I seem to share a brain most of the time. But I would like to add to what he has said, I'm 57 and have just now come out and decided that I have to transition. My wife was wanting to stay until she mentioned it to her sisters and her mother - the next thing I know, she's gone. I don't know what her life will be like now, but her family has always told her and everyone else close by exactly what to do, how to do it and when to do it so I know that her future is already determined. For me I feel that a great weight has been lifted.

I came out to my mother and sister and while I can't say that either is doing handsprings and are both very concerned that I am wrong and about to make a terrible mistake - they have both said that they love me and always will whatever I decide. They would prefer for their comfort that I remain male, but they will not stop me from transitioning. My mother in her 80s would like to come to my therapist with me to learn more about a subject that has been so taboo for so long.

At some point you have to live your own life - at 15 you might have to wait a little while if your parents are really against it. But not all that long - try to get them more information and link them to positive websites, like this one - the more they know, the more they will realize that it isn't a choice or a whim - the need to change is real and feeling out of place in one's own body is very uncomfortable and depressing.

Good luck, we are here for you,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hey Debo - not your fault! You MUST live your life for yourself. You are eventually going to go where you want anyway. The heart ususally wins over the brain, all else is madness.

Hey - did I just make that up or am I remembering it from somewhere?

Who cares wher it comes from, it is true - least for me.

[Guest Karen-1954]

You are not bad or selfish to want to simply live life as who you realy are. There will be those who will tell you that it is wrong but what is wrong is to live a lie simply to make someone else happy. I waited until I was in my 50's to start figuring this out and start my transition. There are a lot of very knowlegable people on this forum and I am sure that they will be glad to answer any questions that you or your parnts have. Good luck and I hope you find yourself.

[Guest Rayne]

ok like im sry for bugging yall so much i just got alot of to deel with ok like i feel like i was born a girl but ppl r makein me feel so bad bout it iv ben depressed for bout 2 mouth now i just started seeing a couneler this week to deel with all this nuts but idk anymore like i just told my mom 3 weekes ago bout all this i have ben thinking bout all this for 3 years and i just came out and told my mom and sister and a couple of my friends but my mom the one night i was talking to her bout it and she like i really dont want to loose my son to a girl and like i quess it aint nothing bad it got to me and i got drunk that night and just felt so quilty bout it and then my friend i just got off the fone with her and shes like i really dont think like all this nuts that ur feelin u know and it upset me and iv ben sittin here crying and thinking its like idk anymore im just so counfused and like what do i do i mean do i live up to what everyone wants me to be and be unhappy or live my life the way it sould be and have everyone hate me for it i mean the only reason i get on here to ask for advise is cuz like i have noone around who understands what im deal with i mean do u ppl think im a bad person for feelin this way i mean im only 15 and i got to deal with all this its just so hard i just dont know anymore

I try to live my life regret free....thus far I only have one.

I was diagnosed with GID back in the mid ninties.....back then they called it GD, though. *

I ran from it JUST to make everyone happy and I'd love to have those 14 years back.

I accepted who I was a couple years ago and started down this road and I couldn't be happier. If I tried to be happier, I would fail.

I'm going full time as a woman in January, I get to keep my job and my marriage. People didn't react nearly as harshly as I thought they would.

Live the life you feel you have to live and do what you have to do, within the law, to be happy.

Rayne.

*GID - Gender Identity Disorder. GD - Gender Dysphoria.

[Guest John68]

Thanks Emily for remembering me, but I am fairly sure Debo is not my child.

First, I do not believe my son has been depressed for two months. Also, he has not gone in to see a counselor. He has only told me, not his mom or sister. I do not let my children anywhere near alcohol. I do not know if it is a good or a bad thing, but I do not think Debo is my child. But what you have written does describe something similar to what my son has told me.

John

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, John....

So glad to see that you're still posting (and reading) that means that you are still trying to make heads or tails of this thing...Good for you! Your head is probably all over the place and I can tell that you're really trying hard -I really do commend you for this. You are one caring dad. Many of us here wish that we had a dad like you at one point in our lives....You are something else!

Just needed to tell you........

Peace

Donna Jean