Am I FTM or genderqueer?

[Guest xEli]

Hi everyone, I'm new.

I've been questioning my gender ever since I was 14 (I'm 20 now), and I know I'm either FTM or genderqueer(like maybe 65% male and 35% female). I just don't know which one I am. And I was hoping you guys could maybe help me? It'd be greatly appreciated.

...I'm biologically female but I want to be male, not female and not in between.

I can't remember a whole lot from my childhood. I do remember a few things, which are: When I was little I thought I was going to be an old man when I get old but puberty hit and I found out that this isn't the case, that I'm going to be an old woman instead. I was confused and disappointed, I still am (disappointed that is).

I never wanted boobs or periods. I was angry when I got both those things. Periods don't really bother me anymore but my chest does and I'm always wearing baggy hoodies to hide them. Also I have 3 brothers and I've always been jealous of their flat chests. I want my chest to be flat, too. I also want my voice to be deeper. Also I refused to wear a bra til I was 14 even though I needed one way before then. I probably would have gone longer without one but I was getting teased for it so....

Growing up my mom used to say to me ''You're a girl!'' a lot and something in the back of my brain (mostly only on the left side) always told me that it's/I'm male.

When I was 12 my dad bought me a keychain that reads ''Girls Rule''. And I thought to myself ''Why did he buy me this?... Did he buy my brothers one, too?'' I was so confused. But I wore it on my jeans for a couple days just to make my dad happy, which felt a bit weird. I stopped wearing it after 2 days and I haven't touched it since...

One time when I was about 14 my older sister and brothers were teasing me about liking a boy and I said, ''I'm not gay'' I actually said that out loud and I got some pretty confused stares from my siblings..

One time when I was 15 I had just walked out of my bedroom and I was walking towards the kitchen and while I was walking there I actually forgot I was female for a second, and I'm not sure why but I said to myself ''I can't wait til I'm a father some day'' But then I remembered I was female and said ''Oh yeah... Why did I say that?''

Also, when I was 15 I was watching a documentary on TV, it was about a transwoman getting sex change. Well, while I was watching it I thought to myself ''I wish I could do that...'' Get a sex change that is. The next day I typed ''How much does a sex cost?'' into google. I was actually planning on getting one when I was old enough.....

That's all I can remember... Presently, I prefer to call myself by male pronouns, I dress in male clothing all the time. And when I look at my reflection sometimes I think I see just a guy who just happens to have a female body but...sometimes I think I see both a guy and a girl. I don't know if my gender is just male or both male and female. But I always feel very disconnected from my reflection. Sometimes I feel like it's somebody else in the mirror and not actually me.

Also, sorry if this is confusing but, my entire body is female but I often forget that the left side of my body is female, I feel like it should be male. I almost never forget that the right side of my body is female though. I don't really get why I often forget that the left side of my body is female but not right side...

Do you think I'm FTM or genderqueer?

Thanks in advance

[Guest Chase]

Hey xEli,

I wouldnt say your a genderqueer, you seem like a man. If its always been that you wanted to be a man, boy, father, that would be my opinion. I think it can be confusing when your in a girl body and raised to be a girl, but inside feel like a boy/man, then Id say your a man. As a man it isnt easy at all to be in a female body. I can say this is probably a question you know the answer to deep down tho. Nobody can tell you what you are or who you are, but to recognize and reach out is a great thing. You should always feel proud of yourself for being you.

Good luck to you and I hope you figure things out

If you need someone to talk to Im here

Chase

[Guest Haileyruso]

xEli,

I am glad you are reaching out for help; it's a huge step and one in the right direction. You seem to me to be FtM from what you just described, but I'm not a therapist and have never met you so my opinion doesn't count for much. For me, I had to strip everything else away (social roles, body type, emotions, etc.) to see that in the very core of my identity I am female and that's how I relate to others and to myself. If you can get in to see a therapist (preferably a gender counselor/therapist) that would be my big suggestion for you at this point in your quest.