Starting hormones, doubt, etc.

[Guest Justneedhelp]

Honestly, I hesitate to post this here. This website is probably one of my most visited sites, not only in terms of transgender issues but on the internet at large, and I almost find these new doubts to be embarrassing. I've been dressing for some time, and I was so excited to begin HRT April 28th.

Since I've been on T, the main things I've noticed are: 1) MAJOR increase in sex drive and 2) An increase in confidence. These changes, though, have brought me to a pretty big emotional obstacle.

I've never been one to sleep around...and that's an understatement. I've dated people for almost 2 years without having sex; yet, since starting T I slept with a girl I don't really know on 2 separate occasions. Or kinda. By my definition it fits. I was clothed both times, but she wasn't. I've always been really uncomfortable sexually and I attributed it to being trans, which is still an imminent possibility, but I had a genuinely good time which I was not expecting, honestly. I don't know if I enjoyed it so much because of my new found sex drive, though, or if I just never really gave it a shot previously. I know this is lots of details, and I hope this is no more uncomfortable to read than it is to type, but I don't have a prosthetic of any kind. I have not made much acquaintance with money recently, and I have been saving up for one. First encounter, she fingered me, and I wasn't as uncomfortable as I always thought I would be. Still the thought of a girl going down on me without a prosthetic bugs me out big time, but now I'm wondering if maybe I just never really tried to become comfortable sexually pre-transition and that maybe that would have dissolved some of the dysphoria I thought I was feeling. Basically, at this point I'm just really confused. I've considered stopping T for a little bit, just to try and figure myself out a little more. I know to feel even remotely more comfortable in the woman's body I was born in I will need to lose a good bit of weight, and I fear I will discover that going off testosterone will make me lose all the self confidence I seem to have built in recent months, dressing and then starting T. I wonder if my doubts stem from fear socially, a lot of the people I party with in college just assume I'm a lesbian and I've never gotten into it because I don't actually know them very well, and I of course fear having that discussion. I know you all might not know what to do with this post...I certainly don't, but I'm just putting it out there because I'm really in need of hearing someone that has gone through any of this or at least understands a little more than my friends. Thanks a lot

[Guest LizMarie]

You really need to have some long chats with your gender therapist. You may or may not be trans. You may or may not be a lesbian. But you honestly sound like you are questioning many things and that's exactly why your GT is there! Talk to him/her! Get these issues out on the table and figure them out! I know that I look forward to working with my GT and getting issues out helps me resolve them. My GT has never resolved anything for me but she's been a magnificent enabler helping me see past things and get to the truth of things that I've been denying my entire life.

Talk to your GT!

[Guest Justneedhelp]

yeah. thanks. it will just be a few weeks before i can get there and am having pretty serious confusion right now. cant sleep. its all just driving me insane as im sure many of you can understand. its one of those things where if i could go back and pick my sex i would 100% choose to be a man, but where I am now is less simple. i think the big question im asking myself is if sexuality were not involved in any way, would I still socially desire to have been born in a mans body?

[Svenna]

Yep, this is a job for gender therapist, for sure..

I'm going MTF, so my view is different, but I also felt better about sex, even with my current plumbing, after the E started working...

My feelings were a bit all over the place at the time, too, wondering if I could be happy living 'in between', thus eliminating the need for a painful social role change. IF I can be happy with myself, well, happy ENOUGH, maybe I am already DONE with the hard stuff, just maybe...lol...

Well, for me, all it took was starting to see the outward physical changes to set my soul on fire for a full-blown transition. All my doubts were gone, and the JOY of seeing myself turning into what I see in my head, was, well, simply amazing...

BUT, I did have several periods along the way where I was feeling pretty good and I asked myself if I 'really was trans?', if a transition was needed, or if I was just over-thinking a simple problem, etc., etc...

My GT was great at helping me sort through conflicting feelings and keeping me honest with myself...

I have no idea what your answers might prove to be, but I wish you the best of luck sorting them out...

BTW, congrats on embracing your sexuality and identity issues, you are taking your life by the horns! Yay!!

Svenna

[Guest Justneedhelp]

Thanks a lot, Svenna. Reading your post is helping me feel like I'm not just crazy and that this happens to others too.

[Guest Krisina]

its one of those things where if i could go back and pick my sex i would 100% choose to be a man, but where I am now is less simple. i think the big question im asking myself is if sexuality were not involved in any way, would I still socially desire to have been born in a mans body?

I love chatting with my GT. It helps me get all my thoughts out. You will get a chance to do that again with your therapist soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy the T. I am thinking that any change eg going off of T without doctors supervision would be a bad idea. I am guessing you would see a doctor about that first.

You did say though, if you could choose your sex (I think you meant to say your gender, body) you would 100% choose to be a man. You asked if sexuality was not involved would you want to be a man. That is similar to, if you were asexual (a lack of sexual attraction to others or the lack of interest in sex). Also, can you see yourself as an elderly retired man or woman, or perhaps that is a hard one to visualize.

Krisina

[Guest rachel5671]

I've had alot of doubt myself since starting transition. I dunno if my situation can help you but i'll explain my view of it. I'm MTF so its alittle different but maybe it helps. Before starting hrt I was so depressed I just wanted to die, like all the time. So I decided to try HRT and I felt alot better, but then after a few months I just felt normal and started thinking 'was my gender problem really so serious?'. I started to wonder if I was making a mistake and stopped HRT. But once I did I found myself freaking out. I was so scared to lose the progress I had gained and went back on it. Then again just felt normal and started questioning.Then it hit me, If i feel normal and have sex drive with estrogen in me and freak out when its not then it must be normal for me to have it in me, so lets keep it in ^^ People normally dont feel an urgent need to correct their external gender, so if doing what I'm doing makes me stop caring about it I must be doing something right ^^

Thats just my opinion though, I would talk to your therapist to make sure.

[Guest Justneedhelp]

Thank ya, ladies!

Krisina, you make a good point with the elder point. I often think about how I think the most unbearable aspect of being in woman's body will come when I am older/retirement age and never could decide if that made my issue more or less of a problem for me.