Amanda's Biography

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello Mary Ellen.

I will try. I know that telling a story about an aspect of your life, especially if it is about something you perceive to be "undesirable" or you're ashamed of it, is very hard and can be frightening.

I was born in 1966 to a single mother. My bio father left before I was born so I never knew him. Three days after my birth I was given up for adoption. I spent almost two months in the children services department, and my bio grandmother convinced my mother to get me back since itwas the right thing to do.

This was about three months after I was born, and she for some reason didn't want to be saddled with a child so she left me with my grandmother and grandfather for almost two years. At about this time she had met and married a man, a German immigrant from East Germany. After which he convinced her that I should be with my natural mother. So I ended up being taken home.

For the next 18 years my mother and I were constantly at odds with each other while my adoptive father was a most wonderful human being. He eventually became like my best friend and teacher of lifes wisdom. The only problem was that my mother appeared to interfere with that relationship and he and I never were able to have real good quality time together.

OVer the years she became increasingly more intense as an alcoholic and our battles got worse. I stayed at home untill I was 22, only because my "father" was there. That year he became ill and died.

Up to this point my mother knew I was starting to crossdress, and the first couple oftimes questioned me about it and usually in a very distinctively disgusted manner. There were also some of the cruel commenst that came along with it. One of which I hated was that she was trying to make a man out of me. The other she used frequently was snide comments directed toward cd's as that's sick and twisted, you need help. She did take me to a psychiatrist a couple oftimes, but He had a real arrogant attitude about the whole thing. Even at that time I was scared and Iwas about 8 years old.

FRom those earlier times I learned very fast in order to avoid the shame she was trying to make me feel about myself, I began to keep it very much a secret. Once she knew I was hiding it, I think she used to go on hunting trips through my stuff to see what was going on and it seemed like everytime she found some item of womens clothing I had gotten a hold of.

This was very unpleasant for me since I was already developing a stealth attitude about it. I drew farther and farther into myself.

The urges were so strong that when I weighed out the getting caught to indulging balance, the indulging usually won out almost everytime. This was stressful and very much a hell. i couldn't wait to get out of there.

Funny thing, I know my adoptive father knew also, and he didn't apporve of it much, but he didn't make as big a deal out ofit like my mother did. Although later as time went on he had his hands full with dealing with an alcoholic spouse whom he loved sincerely.

After my father died I left home immediately, about a day after the funeral and moved to a different city. When he died, as if my life wasn't confusing enough, I was thrown into a complete loss of which way was up and where I was going.

To make a long story short, It would seem that my crossdressing was the only thing I could call my own. In a weird sort of way I find that it was like a center for me to come back to when I found I was getting lost in life. It kept me grounded. It was the only thing that seemed to make me feel comfortable and warm inside. I still didn't know what it was all about, but i just knew this is where I should be or who I am.

IN the new city, I battled fear and went with my urges. I started to go out dressed, something that terrified me to no end. But the pay off was that at the end of the night, my heart had felt peace like "no other time" in my life. I was wrestling with fear all the way, but I had become more and more confident as to who I was.

From there Amanda L Richards was born. Amanda spent more years questioning sexuality and gender, and whether I wasnormal or not. It wasn't untill this year that I faced those questions and at this point, I am more in the way of knowing myself and that I am a loveable person. I am proud of my femme Name and it just fits like it was my name my whole life.

I still wrestle with some of the areas like fear and shame sometimes even guilt, but by comparison, they have become shadows of what they were.

I still have some work to do but I am beginning to love who I really am....

Amanda Larissa Richards

[MaryEllen]

Hi Amanda,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Guest Donna Jean]

Amanda... What a touching story...But, you are moving in the right direction...Keep moving....

(I absolutly LOVE Larissa, by the way..)

Keep your head up...you are a good person

Huggs here, Too

Donna Jean

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hi MaryEllen, Hi Donna Jean,

I was very nervous writing that. IN all the years and all the people that knew me, only my therapist of this year ever knew that part of my history me, now you know.

I was so nervous about it, my hands were sweaty. After I read your responses, I almost got teary eyed. I very much appreciate what you have said.

Donna Jean, I guess my name has been a hit with more than just me. Since I have signed on at this forum, I have had about three complimenst on my name.

Because that name resonates in my heart when someone calls me that, a compliment like yours goes deep and it makes me feel good about myself. Thankyou.

I hope to talk with both of you more in future. But I still ask for patience cause I am still going through the pain of opening up to someone else besides a therapist or just keeping it bottled in.

Amanda L

[MaryEllen]

We're here willing to talk and listen anytime you need us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Evan_J]

That was the most beautiful story....Any chance on the world getting to interact with Amanda (ie any chance there's a name change in your future)?

[Sally]

Amanda,

I just read your story and I want you to know that we are all hear to help you and each other. I was lucky enough to not have the broken home and alcoholic mother - but in a way having to tell parents of a loving family that thier son is really their daughter is emotional wrenching as well. The road isn't easy but it is the only way to be our true selves.

We are all different and we are all the same - the great paradoxx of being human.

Feel free to post anytime and send PMs to anyone that you think is on a similar wave length - I have never had anyone refuse to answer a PM or ask me not to write again, they have all wanted to be friends.

This is a great place,

Sally

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello all,

I am sorry I didn't respond sooner to you, I have been away from the forum for about three days or so.

I would like to say that I would love to talk with all of you at some point. If any of you feel the need to pm me please do so.

It was getting a little quiet here for me, and I didn't want to initiate a pm. I am still familirarizing myself with some of the forum policies.

And I will send one out just to say "HI" ok?

Love

Amanda L

[Guest Donna Jean]

YAY, You're back...pull up a chair...here's some hot coco...

(We don't bite! At least not very hard )

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hey Amanda L

I am sorta new here myself - I am sorry I didn't see your posting earlier, I would have replied.

Me? My family was semi-normal but I had a terrible time with my father, who must have had issues himself as he was so homophobic (he is deceassed) - I was not a feminine boy, but he did everything in his power to 'make me into a man.' Didn't work - ha! He sorta pushed me the other way as I didn't want anything at all to do with being a man if that meant being like him.

But my story is much simpler, not as traumatic (bless your heart) but in a same way, I have been very sad-sad-sad. I am in therapy - I am diagnosed - I am recovering.

Message me sometime if you wish, I am good at replying - you don't need to be alone now that you found this site. Be certain to go on chat - fight all the youngsters for attention - grin - but hang in there and people will talk to you.

I am one of the T-grannys (old mares) here, by the way, MTF - on HRT, probably no SRS - HA - lotta initials used here, it's fun to see what all that means.

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello all,

I am so happy to hear the invites to pm from you. It is making me feel nice and comfortable with myself especially. When I first the bio, there had only been one or two people in my whole life that knew that part of me. Something though said "It's ok, just hit the add reply button" so I did, and I am glad that I did.

I will take you up on your offer, right now I am readjusting schedules. I should be gtting back to normal real quick.

Thank you all for your warm hearts, I look forward to talking with you some more.

Untill then please don't think I have forgotten your kindness.

Amanda L.

[Guest mia 1]

Amnada I have seen the name Amanda Richards on the forum for the past 9 days. That is when I became a member. Today I saw your name in the top of the Introduction Forum. I am so glad to have read your heartfelt leter to us all. You are a wonderful person and all the heart ache that you had gone through is nearly terrifing. You are not alone. If you need a friend to talk to post me or the other members as much as you want... Take care, you are gaining strength and losing your fragility............My Best Mia1