Is it a good time to come out to my mom?

[Guest PaintedWingss]

I'm kind of torn on this issue right now, since I've been wanting to tell her for a while.

However, my problem is that just about a month ago, my dad left us, and my mom seems to be getting better, and my relationship with her has strengthened. Saying that, I feel terrible for hiding this part of me from her, but then what she said to me in the past comes back and I'm not so sure. She once told me, when I decided to wear men's clothes that she 'gave birth to a girl, not three boys', and I'm afraid that coming out as bigender and half male may add more stress onto her. But at the same time, confiding in her with something like this could add another level trust to our relationship.

I'm not sure what I should do.

[Guest Micha]

Tricksy tricksy issue, and since I don't know your mom and I don't have a omnipotent understanding of your situation, I'm kinda nervous about saying anything at all.

I would say that a bold, straightforward blast out of the blue prolly wouldn't end well, shocks rarely go over well under the best of circumstances.

When she says something to you about wearing "mens" clothes, how's it come across? Hostile? Annoyed? Tongue-in-cheek?

Best I can think is to take it slow, kind of show her through your expression, little by little, and see how it goes. The results will tell you more about how she'll handle the conversation.

Something important to understand though, I don't have experience "coming out" to people. I've told two, and the results were kind meh, like "whatever you say," and life moves on. Still in the closet here, though my door is open. Just keep that in mind, about my post here.

Take care.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

She carries more weight than you know, so be very very careful with this. I suggest on a very very GOOD day for her, you sort of broach the subject. I mean say you really feel and identify as male and you are having a hard time pretending to be 'girly.' Maybe compromise on letting you 'butch up' a bit. When she gets accustomed to that, and it may take some time - out to her - but don't change much physically. Later? Go all the way you need to go to be happy.

Baby steps.

Just me thinking. Separation and divorce is a KILLER!

Lizzy

[Guest PaintedWingss]

The thing is with my mom on this subject, I'm the eldest child and her only daughter. I already switch between guy mode and girl mode all the time, I just brush off guy mode as feeling tomboyish instead of actually a guy. She's always wanted a girly daughter, and I'm afraid that I'll be a disappointment of sorts to her for coming out as bigender.

Everything went well when I came out as bisexual and dating my best friend (another girl), so part of me thinks this will go well, too, but gender and sexuality are two completely different issues. I'll give it more thought before doing anything, though. Thanks to both of you for the advice.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Coming out is a two edge sword. On the one hand it can bring you so much closer to your family and loved ones that you allowed them to really know you. That is what happened to me. On the other hand, coming out can drive people away and even ostracize you. You know the dynamics of your family best of all. You will know when and if it is time.

This is no picnic.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Use you own judgement, of course. You asked and I made a suggestion - but I don't really know either of you, nor what will happen of course.

Good luck on your journey

Lizzy

[Guest agfrommd]

She once told me, when I decided to wear men's clothes that she 'gave birth to a girl, not three boys', and I'm afraid that coming out as bigender and half male may add more stress onto her.

I wouldn't read too much into this one statement. Everyone (even parents) say things off the cuff they would take back if they realized the impact it had.

I can't speak for your mom, only tell you how I would feel as a parent. If my daughter had something on her mind, I would want her to share it. It would be *far* more important than anything that would be going on with me. Even if I was in some kind of crisis, I would make emotional space for my daughter if she needed me.

Another thing I'll point out, is that her first reaction isn't the be-all and the end all. "Oh my word what happened to my daughter!" might morph into "I'm so glad you trusted me with this" after a few days' thought. Again, don't know you or your mother, but initial reactions often give way to reflection.

Also keep in mind that you have an opportunity to educate your mother about what it is like to be genderqueer. She probably doesn't know much now. You can explain to her how it feels, teach her some of the vocabulary, and, most important, tell her how you'd like to be treated. Even if she doesn't absorb it all right away, neither of you are going anywhere, so you can keep at it.

Finally, know that whatever you choose is a loving choice. If you decide to give yourself more time, it's because that's what your heart is telling you to do. If you decide to face the issue now, again you are making the right choice, regardless of whether it turns out wonderful, terrible, or somewhere. It's because you're being true to yourself.

Good luck, Wings, and please accept a cyberhug from me.