The Thing That Freaks My Family Out The Most

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

This has been on my mind for a while and has been mentioned in other threads, but I thought I'd go ahead and start a topic specifically for this issue.

Okay, so I've been officially "out" to my family for about a month. At first, they took it really well. No one was a freak and everyone was pretty much supportive. Now that the news has started to sink in, people are having "reservations".

When probed, what are they most afraid of?

Wait for it....

Of me coming home and looking different. That's it.

They aren't afraid of what health risks are associated with taking hormones. They aren't especially afraid that I will suffer discrimination. No one has mentioned the risks associated with surgery. Even though they are both conservative and Christian, no one has been all like "OMG, you're gay".

Nope, they're afraid of my beard...which I don't even have yet. They are afraid of my haircut. My best friend has said that it makes her sad to hear my voice changing because she misses my old voice. My mom is acting like I am going to die within the next few months. Intellectually she knows that I am and will always be the same person inside, but she still feels like "old Ainsley" is dieing. No...it's more like the real Ainsley is finally being born, but she doesn't see it that way.

Why is it that people fear the physical changes the most? I mean, it seems obvious at first...but it really isn't. People change their appearance in all kinds of ways that don't have to do with gender. Some of these changes probably make people look more "different" than what T will do over time. For example, sometimes people gain a lot of weight. I honestly think that the difference in appearance between 125 pound Ainsley and 200 pound Ainsley is far more striking than the difference between Ainsley in girl mode and transitioned Ainsley will be. Still, no one batted an eyelash when I came home all fat from being depressed. Seriously, I managed to get fat in like 6 months. No lie. Anyway...I digress. People dye their hair. People get breast implants. Why do physical changes that have to do with gender freak people out so much?

So, there you have it...my mom is worrying herself into an early grave because she is afraid I am going to come home with a goatee. If only T worked as fast as my family thinks it does. I should really keep a written record of all the stupid things people have said to me lately. I'm sure the comments will be funny at some point in the future.

Thoughts? Experiences? Anyone need to vent? I sure did.

[Guest Huff]

Actually, I think that's a totally normal response that you're getting from them. Friends and family have to go through a grieving process and they're expressing that in terms of your physical appearance. I mean, it's you and has been you and always will be you, but other people had a relationship with a masculine girl/woman before and now they're thinking about how they're going to have a relationship with a young man now. As much as I wish it weren't so, we really do relate to people from the standpoint of their gender. It's hard to understand that just because you're changing the cover of the book does mean you're changing the book itself. They'll get adjusted to it over time, but I would expect parts of your relationships to change since their will be gender boundaries where there weren't any before with females and a removal of some boundaries with males. It's kind of a trip to watch happen.

One thing you might do, is to keep your friends and family updated. Send them a picture by email once every couple of weeks and then they can watch you slowly change as opposed to showing up every six months or so and shocking them. Because my family is more complicated than I'd like, I'm stuck going with the shock approach at Christmas. I think it's going to be stressful for everyone... especially me!

MK

[Guest Evan_J]

lol <--thats a laugh with you laugh cuz mine did basically the same thing.

She didn't listen to half of the effects of hormones (I even gave pamphlets)

Only now is really processing surgery risks (looking stuff up on her own -an excellent sign- but still she "ignored" anything I told her)

And still isn't worried that I should procede as smoothly as I can and avoid "hesitations" if they create mixed sex markers.

Her thing was -and what she went on and on about was "I don't want you to look different".

Its amazing, as you said, there are many things that make someone look soooo different it isn't even funny. Things that leave others not at all thinking its remotely the same person visually, but when change is connected to sex its like you decided you're comin home headless. The voice thing is also "getting" to be a big thing nobody's saying anything in a straightforward and honest way (which I'd kinda appreciate) but they're all "reacting". My mothers thing is apparently to act like it has nothing to do with the fact that "your kid is physically becoming a man" and instead is convincing herself a) she doesn't know why anything is "going on" with my voice (like I said, I gave her pamphlets even and MONTHS ago) and b ) "Whatever it is, you ought to tell them that it ought to stop" (only right after I willingly cut off a limb, thanks).

So, it ain't just you Ains. Go ahead and go to Thanksgiving and let them soak up some of how "the inside person they love is still there no matter the wrapper". They should be fine.

[Guest Jackson]

I'm really glad someone brought this up. My soon to be ex actually went through a depression this summer and grieved because he was losing his wife.

Now I realize that for us we don't see or understand because we are still the same people inside, but the people around us see it so differently. The nurse that I'm smitten with actually told me the night we went out together for her birthday that she was going to miss my voice. Even though I talk to her only at work and I didn't think I'd really made that kind of impact on her.

I think the change we go through is just different enough that people do have a problem processing it in their minds. It might be just that because our society is so gender polarized that everyone else grieves when we change. I even had a few moments of hesitation (I wouldn't really say grief) when I did a few things that made me feel that I was stepping over that gender line and I'd never be going back: getting my hair cut in a fully masculine style, wearing a shirt and tie to work, wearing wingtips for the first time. It was like shedding a little bit of the person I had been and becoming someone new. It's like going from a larvae to a butterfly. A metamorphasis (sorry if the spelling is off).

Anyway, although this is an interesting experience, it's a difficult one for everyone involved.

[Guest Evan_J]

Oh Jackson, my "shedding" moment? It was nothing I could have foresaw. I actually went to my mothers and -although she's never been one for being in any half-state of undress around anyone- actually "moved" and made sure I couldn't see her change for the first time in her life. It was like "things were different between us now". There were enough physical changes that she felt like she was going to be "exposed" in front of a man, and it was "inappropriate". And I gotta tell you, for a moment I sort of "hurt" cuz it was as if a kind of "door" got put between us -the feeling only lasted a moment, then it left- but it definately occurred.

[Guest lorddillon]

I actually think this is a sort of normal response that people have when they realize that someone is 'not who they thought', sort of like when someone meets a hero, gets to know them and finds out that they are just a regular person, there is sort of a sadness or surprise or denial that comes along with that. Now, before everyone jumps on me with 'but I am the SAME person' - I agree, you are the same person, but to our families and the people that we know best, there is an incongruity - we aren't the SAME person that THEY thought we were. This is totally part of their perception or us and isn't really connected to us at all.

We have always felt like we are who we are and our internal self isn't changing, but, like it or not, people in society have certain ways of thinking about someone based on their gender and they attach those trains of thought to our internal being - finding out that we are transitioning from one gender to the other is like telling them they have to disconnect who they think our internal being is from the gender they think we are and attach it to the gender that we really are - only to them its a HUGE change, and to us is a huge freedom to be who we have always been.

The reason that us changing how we look is so devastating for them is that it's proof that they weren't seeing us for who we really were all this time - and for a parent that is a sad thing and they have to go through a grieving process - grief over losing who they thought we were, and grief over the realization that they didn't really know us in the first place, at least, they couldn't see the real person, and that hurts them just like it hurt us all this time.

Not sure that made sense, but oh well...

PS: Hi everyone, haven't posted in a while, I've been really busy - I'm going to try and catch up on some forum reading over thanksgiving and hopefully start posting much more than I have in the past

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

I guess you guys are right. It is a fairly "normal" response, but annoying nonetheless. I should probably try to be a little more patient with people. It's hard for me to understand others' grief...and it is probably hard for them to understand how happy the changes make me.

Fortunately, for Thanksgiving at least, there will be a lot of things to deflect attention AWAY from me...which is a good thing.

[Guest lorddillon]

Yeah, it is hard for everyone - but that doesn't mean that you should necessarily be 'more' patient. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are probably being patient enough right now, but this is a difficult process and it sucks. It definitely sucks.

What I mean is that it is not necessarily a bad thing to be selfish in this case - I mean, transition is a selfish process, by definition - it has to be, otherwise no-one would ever go through with it. It really sucked when someone told me that, but I came to realize that it is true - and I never thought of myself as a selfish person. When it comes down to it though, that is one of the things that kept me from transitioning for so long (I'm in my 30s) - its that I always rationalized NOT transitioning because it would hurt someone, or it wasn't the right time, or whatever - and really I just needed to decide it is OKAY to be a little selfish, because I am a much happier, more self assured, more comfortable person (in my own skin) than I EVER was before - it it took being selfish to get here.

Hopefully the people that I love and want to keep in my life see how much better I am at life and will accept that in me, selfish or not.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Yeah, it is hard for everyone - but that doesn't mean that you should necessarily be 'more' patient. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are probably being patient enough right now, but this is a difficult process and it sucks. It definitely sucks.

What I mean is that it is not necessarily a bad thing to be selfish in this case - I mean, transition is a selfish process, by definition - it has to be, otherwise no-one would ever go through with it. It really sucked when someone told me that, but I came to realize that it is true - and I never thought of myself as a selfish person. When it comes down to it though, that is one of the things that kept me from transitioning for so long (I'm in my 30s) - its that I always rationalized NOT transitioning because it would hurt someone, or it wasn't the right time, or whatever - and really I just needed to decide it is OKAY to be a little selfish, because I am a much happier, more self assured, more comfortable person (in my own skin) than I EVER was before - it it took being selfish to get here.

Hopefully the people that I love and want to keep in my life see how much better I am at life and will accept that in me, selfish or not.

I totally hear you on the selfishness thing. I'm 30 now and have been considering transitioning since I was about 24 or 25 (before that, I didn't even know it was an option...thought I was just "stuck"). I held off on even researching transition because I was so afraid of how my family would react.

It's definitely been pointed out to me recently that I am being a bit selfish. My mother has asked me to wait to start hormones several times (doesn't know I'm on them now). She always cites "uncertain future event A" or "uncertain future event B" as things I should wait for before I transition. I finally told her that it was ridiculous to put my life on hold for arbitrary, uncertain future events. Since then she's backed down at least a little.

For most of my adult life I have felt like I was waiting for "something" to change before I "grew up". When I look back, I realize that I've been avoiding major life events (e.g. relationships, stable job, etc...) for way longer than is age appropriate because of discomfort with my gender identity. I'm like a 30 year old 20 year old, if that makes sense. In many ways I am mature and function well in the world, and in other ways...not so much. When I laid it all out and really thought things through, transition is the only way that I can pull myself together and be a whole person. I've tried all of the kinder, gentler alternatives and none of them did the trick.

My mom understands this stuff intellectually, but it doesn't seem to temper the emotions she's having very much. Most other people in my family, like my siblings, are fine and are handling things well. I'm hoping that everyone else will start to calm down once they see how much happier and "normal" I am now as compared to a year ago.

Oh...how I dread Thanksgiving!

[Guest lorddillon]

Yeah - my brother is very accepting of everything, and my friends were also very cool about it. I think that's because they aren't invested in me as a female as a part of their own identity, which I think is something that happens to parents in a many cases. I mean, they are tied up in whether or not their kids are doing well because it's a reflection of them as people if the kids are good or successful or extra happy or have a big family, or whatever - but if their kid is trans then they must have done something wrong, been a bad parent, or some such thing. I'm not saying that's true, but I am saying that lots of parents fell that way and they think it reflects on them as people (this happens to parents of gay people as well, as though it's really a horrible thing to have raised a gay kid, so horrible that they must be horrible people themselves) - this only happens if they have invested their own identity into their kid's identity.

Think about that - if they have invested a portion of their own identity into their kid's identity, then their kid totally changes (gender), that means the parent loses a bit of their identity - tough stuff - hard to handle.

I don't mean all this literally of course, and some parents don't have this at all, while some have it to varying degrees..

Anyway, I'm just rambling and rambling - is it making any sense at all?

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

You're making sense. I think you are right.

My mom definitely falls into the "invested her childrens' identities" category. She hasn't said that she blames me or anything, but she has definitely been saying things that suggest that she blames herself and that things she did made me the way I am. The other day she was saying that the fact that I was a colicky baby and was irritable had something to do with being trans. It's like she wants to believe that there is some concrete, environmental cause for my "condition"...and that the cause somehow means I'm not "really" transgendered. I think she spends a lot of time looking for ways that I DIDN'T show gender variant behavior as a child to make herself feel better. I mean, there are MANY more instances where I did show gender variant behaviors before puberty, but she likes to ignore those or explain them away. She told me that the reason I preferred blocks and cars over dolls and tea set is because I was "too smart for girl toys" and that they "weren't complicated enough for me". Well...whatever floats her boat.

I don't think she wants to feel like having a trans kid is an awful thing, but she feels that way just the same. The things she does and says point in that direction, even though she's careful not to say it outright. For example, she's embarrassed to tell people outside of the family, even close family friends that are basically family for all intents and purposes. This includes people that probably know me better than a lot of my actual relatives. Also, since I've come out to her, she inadvertently lumps me in the "damaged children" category with my brother. My brother has a drug and alcohol abuse problem. I am a Ph.D. student. In most ways, I am so bland that it is sad. Hmm...yeah...my brother and I have a LOT in common.

My mom is VERY invested in how the three of us came out. When we were kids, she didn't have a job. She put her career on hold for us. We ARE the product of her life's work. If we don't look good, she doesn't look good....like a commercial.

[Guest Cody_T]

your mom sounds a lot like mine there... and I'm not even close to starting physical changes. For me, she said, "I feel like I caused this" outright... and I told her no one could, but she still stuck with that idea. Which basically means she doesn't believe me, because if someone can cause it I'm just a confused person who doesn't need to transition. She's also done the whole, "you played with stuffed animals!" to make it seem like I was girly. I appreciate her efforts, really. But I don't feel like explaining away every single feminine moment of my childhood to her. Hopefully she doesn't catch wind of the colicky baby one, because that would apply to me too .

She's even done the 'people close to me' one. I'm not about to make her say anything, but she even got completely peed off at me that I told my friends. Which last time I checked, had nothing to do with her. Not to mention the lumping you with the bad kids? She hasn't quite done that (since my siblings are younger and haven't had time for the drug habits to truly develop) but every single time it comes up I hear that I'm going to lead a crazy alternative lifestyle and turn to drugs and basically everything imaginably wrong. I would probably have to be dragged kicking and screaming into that, but personalities and accomplishments tend to pale in comparison to the power of parents' imaginations.

And I would think this is an especially normal response for mothers to not want their kid changing from girl to boy, because parents tend to do a lot of re-living through their kids, whether they want to admit it or not. You're obviously very successful, and being female allows your mother to revel in that success almost as though it were her own. At least that's how my mom is. Being male suddenly strips that away, to the point where she can be proud, but she can't feel the same kinship of "this is another version of me." I feel kind of bad for my mom, because I'm likely her most intelligent child, and it's a bigger loss I think for her to let go of the child who is going to achieve her dreams (she wanted to be a doctor, but burned out) than one of my other siblings would be, just because she's been living through me a little more. And in general it's hard to see a physical difference because then you can't deny this paradigm shift. At least that's how I imagine it.

[Guest Evan_J]

she can't feel the same kinship of "this is another version of me."

ooooh yeah. Cody m'boy, you are hittin the heck outta that nail right on its head aren't ya lol.

[Guest Huff]

My mom is VERY invested in how the three of us came out. When we were kids, she didn't have a job. She put her career on hold for us. We ARE the product of her life's work. If we don't look good, she doesn't look good....like a commercial.

omg... that's totally my mom too. I mean, she doesn't have any friends or even a hobby... just her investment in her children.

MK

[Guest raydub]

all i can say is.. dude.. ME.. TOO. lol...

grandma goes "cant you just be a boy trapped in a girl's body for ever?" ---lol.. thats probably the best one ive got..

i couldnt laugh then, but im laughin now.. lol

Ray

[Guest CharlieRose]

And I would think this is an especially normal response for mothers to not want their kid changing from girl to boy, because parents tend to do a lot of re-living through their kids, whether they want to admit it or not. You're obviously very successful, and being female allows your mother to revel in that success almost as though it were her own. At least that's how my mom is. Being male suddenly strips that away, to the point where she can be proud, but she can't feel the same kinship of "this is another version of me." I feel kind of bad for my mom, because I'm likely her most intelligent child, and it's a bigger loss I think for her to let go of the child who is going to achieve her dreams (she wanted to be a doctor, but burned out) than one of my other siblings would be, just because she's been living through me a little more. And in general it's hard to see a physical difference because then you can't deny this paradigm shift. At least that's how I imagine it.

That's sort of what I percieve my dad's issues with this to be.... He's really REALLY feminist, always encouraging me and my sisters to reach for the stars, not to limit ourselves because we're female, bought us books because they had strong female characters in them, made sure our pediatrician was a woman so we would grow up seeing women in power, etc. I could go on and on. But along the line, I think his mantra of "you can do it even though you're a girl" became "you SHOULD do it BECAUSE you're a girl!" And so without realizing it he created an image of me as a girl and became really attached to it. When I came out that was one of his questions. "What would this do for you? You can do anything a man can!" He thought it was me feeling antifeminist. It's interesting, because he's a lot more sensitive about this than my mom, and I think that's why.

[Guest Cody_T]

When I came out that was one of his questions. "What would this do for you? You can do anything a man can!"

my mom said pretty much the same thing... like, "girls can do whatever boys can do" to which I can only reply, except be boys. That's pretty much the crux of the matter. But definitely, anyone who has something especially vested in your gender is going to be majorly impacted.