Girl Or Androgyne?

[Guest Itzika]

When I searched Wikipedia for Transsexual (which I did following my friend's coming out) and proceeded to follow pretty much every relevant link, Androgyny was honestly the most confusing. The others were pretty simple to understand, IMO; but especially when one of my friends tested Androgyne on the COGIATI, I didn't really know what that meant. I was the next most androgynous; when I retook the test thinking about that instead of the fact that, well, I'm obviously female, I scored 130--1 point above the cutoff for Androgyne. (My TS friend got all of us to take the test; she had those of us who are biologically female switch the categories.) Now I'm in the confused mode that I hit when I start questioning myself. I hit this same mode a few years ago when I wondered if I like girls (I do) and if I really wanted to be a Witch at that time (I didn't).

So, after that slightly irrelevant intro...

I have no problem looking perfectly female. I like it, actually. I love having long hair and looking pretty. But the clothes I wear tend to be a (form-fitting) T-shirt and jeans. I wear a lot of jackets, most of which are fitted but many of which could easily be worn by a (skinny) boy, even without being restyled. (My favorite is a jacket that's too big for me and that I've put holes in by wearing so often.) I hardly ever put on makeup; I get excited about clothes when I get to help my TS friend cross-dress for a day, but I put that down to how pretty she looks (she is ridiculously skinny; she passes insanely well) and how happy she gets. Personally, I get more nervous than anything else when someone does my nails, although I do love the way they look. I don't want to ask someone to do that for me. And I don't paint my nails on my own, even though when they're first painted I always think I will. So my appearance, barring my hair and figure, stays fairly androgynous. (And to be perfectly honest, I get a little bit excited--yes, that way--from dressing in form-fitting clothes and makeup, especially if I see myself in the mirror or, even better, then dance in them.) When I do dress up like a girl, I feel pretty, gorgeous, sexy, and excited. It feels like it's the way I'm supposed to be... but just for a little while. Then wearing my handmade (woot!) jeans collage with a bright blue V-neck T-shirt feels like the way I'm supposed to be.

Then my attitude... I'm aggressive. I have a temper. I get angry very easily and tend to threaten people when I do. My friends know I wouldn't hurt them, but that's my response. I'm not good at telling what people are thinking or feeling. Either I don't realize they'll be offended by something and then I don't know how or even whether to apologize, or I read way too much into my Mom's voice and I think she's upset when she isn't. If someone is upset, on the other hand, I really want to help them. I'm happy when my friends are happy, especially when I help make them that way. I'm a tactile person and love hugs. (My friends and I recently had a discussion about how I'm hurt when I can't hug them just because they're dating.) And I love to dance. With other people. Every week at our spiritual community, when the closing song starts, I grab one of my friends and start dancing. No idea what that proves, but I do.

Intellectually, I'm dead center. I took the Brain Sex test at http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sex/ and found that I test at perfect 0. I scored better than either average on everything intellectual, dead center on empathizing and systemizing, worse than either average on the 'guess the emotions' test, more generous on the ultimatum, and 100% lesbian on the attraction. I average out to an intellectual androgyne. Whether that's because I am or because I'm just that smart (read: book-smart and socially clueless), I have no clue.

I guess it's probably ridiculous to just be considering this as a possibility now, but I recall that I didn't consider homosexuality to be a possibility for me until I learned that our pastoral administrator was a lesbian in a committed relationship. And... this is maybe the least solid reason of all... but I've been diagnosed with major depression. I've had suicidal ideations. (Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. When am I seeing her next? Sometime after I decide to play phone tag. Canceling appointments sucks.) People have asked me if there's something else, ANYTHING else, that might have caused those ideations (the only thing on my mind was not going to school... don't eat me), and now I'm wondering if this might be it. Or part of it. Maybe?

The other hand... there's always one... is that I have an unhealthy obsession with what I consider 'interesting' people. (This does not mean I'm a stalker; please don't think it does. I'm much too lazy for that, for a start. It just means I like hanging out with people who are outside 'the norm'.) You might also call this 'normaphobia', a word I totally just came up with. 'Interesting' can mean anything from my favorite character in a TV show to a minority. (People who speak Norwegian are 'interesting'. GLBTs are 'interesting'. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to shut off that particular generalization switch in my head.) I like being 'interesting'. I like being 'different'. This, not homophobia (I come from a very accepting family), is why my mom has asked my time and again not to label my orientation. It's why I definitely need to not jump to conclusions on this. But I could use some less biased opinions. I know no diagnosis can/will come from here--but what can I do to start to figure this out until I see my therapist again?

~Rachel

P.S. I've read the other posts, and I've heard that labels are meaningless, you don't need to label yourself--but I always feel like I do. For some reason putting a word to it makes my feel... I don't know, I guess more secure. I don't like not knowing what's going on in my head. You can try to convince me otherwise. I'll probably walk away a little more well-adjusted. But I'd really like to know people's thoughts on this question/post.

[Guest Evan_J]

This is not intended to be a p.c. answer, it honestly is what I'm thinking in your particular case. I think that whatever you are is fine. Really, you don't need to catagorize yourself. HOWEVER I know sometimes it just feels better if you can. I read somewhere not too long ago that most American women at this point in history are more "tomwomen" (as opposed to tomboys) than anything else. That is they don't feel the need to makeup and high heel it most of the time, feel that they should be able to be selfsufficient, pursue any goal, fix their own car and yet enjoy and feel sexy being a woman when they go out for that certain evening. That kind of sounds like you. I used to know a bunch of basically transgendered (though they didn't call themselves that) lesbians (they just called themselves "butch") who might have been self sufficient and car fixin but the whole "feel sexy dancing in the slinky dress" thing would only have earned you a sock in the kisser had you suggested it lol. So that doesn't sound like you. The androgenous descriptor could also be you and really is open to interpretation. Is it what I described earlier? -The tomwoman? It could be. Is it slightly more butchish but still in the spere of being feminine? Could be, its interpretation.

Its easy to like "interesting" topics to the point to get confused by them. Be careful lol. If you feel that you're not "uncovering" all that there is to yourself though feel free to "play" with it. ie don't do anything life altering or make any life altering judgements. But certainly experimenting (maybe being "one thing", and someplace else "another thing" ) online is a safe outlet to see "whats more you". If its a matter of dress modes and you want to try that out, consider driving a town or two over from where you live and test running being "different ways". See what they feel like.

[Guest Itzika]

Thanks. Really. I appreciate the suggestions and the thoughtful answer. (I don't know how easily I can go to a different town to try out being a 'different way', but I think I'll see how I can adapt it to what's possible for my circumstances.)

Another point of confusion (or two) that I forgot before, somehow... I know I can relate to guys, and I don't just mean intellectually or on the subject of attraction. I've read stories that were from a guy's point of view (as in, very close-in and very, very male). Sometimes I skipped over those parts or just felt awkward, but sometimes it didn't feel awkward until later when I had to remind myself that yes, I am in fact female. Which just makes me more confused.

[Guest Evan_J]

I think the first question I would ask myself is "how do I feel about being androgenous"? Be brutally honest in the answer. No one is there to know except you. Do you think that word itself means "mixed up person"? Do you not like it because your ideas of androgenous people are kind of negative? Do you wish you weren't? Do want to be "more female"? Do you feel good about yourself when you feel you are "more male"? Sometimes the answers seem like they'll be nice and neat but sometimes they aren't'. You might end up saying something to yourself like:

I actually like it when I feel more male but I feel guilty about that.

Or:

I like it when I feel more male but I have a lot of things that urine me off about men so how can that be?

When you get to answering those questions? Thats when the "fun" will begin lol And it might not always be fuzzy OR warm.

What ever you find though, there's probably someone else who's experienced it also.

[Guest MisMatched]

Thanks for that BBC test link.

very interesting set of tests in that series. I got what looks to be 25% into the female region.

I had 'androgyne' as a COGIATI result also

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

One other thing I would recommend, the way most of us do here, is to find a good gender therapist. they are the ones with the skills and knowlege to help you find where you fit on the gender spectrum and how to negotiate what ever kind of transition if apropriate for you