Confused?

[Guest chantelle]

Hi All,

I am new to this wonderful site, and what led me to finding everyone here was from searching the internet looking for answers for the way I feel.

I am male and grew up doing all the normal boy type activities and lived quite comfortably with who I am, but from a very early age I was attracted to the ways girls look and how they appeared to be accepted to be themselves. As a young child, I wanted so much to have long hair simply because it looked far nicer than short hair to me, but being a boy, I wasn't allowed to have long hair and was critisized by my parents for mentioning it. Girls have long hair not boys, what are you thinking was my parents attitude???. The other thing that I liked as a child was the way girls were allowed to be themselves and express themselves without ridicule. Girls were allowed to feel pain, feel cold, feel tired etc, where as a boy my parents would ridicule me expressing myself as a girl could. Boys aren't allowed to feel pain, cold etc, or more to the point, weren't allowed to talk about in fear of being called sissy or girly. I was raised I guess with the perception that boys are supposed to be tough which I thought was stupid really.

The other recollection as a child was the way girls were made a fuss of by relatives and friends were as a boy, I would get "geez" haven't you grown and that was about it, but the girls would get "isn't she so pretty", her hair looks so cute like that, her dress looks lovely etc etc, which I liked that. As a child I thought how much nicer life would have been for me if I was a girl not a boy???. I totally agreed with people making a fuss over a girl, they did look more cute than boys, far nicer I thought, and I often used to think about how life would really feel being a girl which for me would have been a better life.

As I started to reach puberty, I began to think about girls sexually and feel excitement from girls bodies and the clothes that girls wore which I thought was normal male feelings, but I had deep thoughts thinking how exciting it must be for a girl developing breasts at puberty and how much more interesting it seemed for a girl developing into a woman than a boy developing into man.

I was about 12/13 years of age home alone for a few hours was the first time I had this real urge to experience what it was like to feel like a girl and snuck into my mothers room to try on her clothes. I put on her panties, bra stuffing the cups with rolled up socks, pantyhose, a half slip, a dress and high heels and walked around the house for a couple of hours dressed like a lady and loved it totally, even sat down on the toilet to urinate which I liked too when dressed in ladies clothes. This behavior went on for a few years where having the opportunity to dress up was something very exciting where I would end my dress up session sitting on the toilet pretending to urinate like a girl would and self gratification.

Adolescence for me was in the late 70's early 80's where I felt totally comfortable being feminine which was well accepted by society in that era. I was extremely attracted to girls sexually and strangely enough the more feminine looking I became in my appearance, my long blow dried hair done in a very feminine fashion, skin tight stretch jeans, in fact I wore girls jeans which seemed to give me a more female shaped bottom, but the more girly my appearance was, the more I seemed to attract the girls who attracted me the most. I had quite a lot of really beautiful girlfriends, plenty of sex with girls and life was great.

Having said that though, my attraction to girls felt different to what other guy's described where my excitement wasn't only to achieve intercourse, my excitement was to get close and intimate with femininity, to learn and feel how girls clothing fitted their bodies, what their bodies and skin looked and felt like and sexually, I would become more aroused in the company of a girl intimately fantasizing how it would feel being her, having her body, wearing her clothes, and the thought of having breasts and no penis was instantly arousing. Every self gratification thought I have ever had to this day is the fantasy of having a ladies body and being female???.

To my embarrassment mentioning my strange behaviour, I did some very weird activities to try and capture/experience what it would feel like to have a female body which would be sexually fulfilling. I would secretly plan when sharing intimacy with a girlfriend to caress her vagina through her panties to specifically make her panties damp which happened on a few occasions where I timed everything perfectly and was able to get away for a quick toilet break taking her damp panties with me to try them on and feel from the dampness "exactly" where my vagina would be located on my body if I was female resulting in extreme sexual excitement and fulfillment to learn this.

I have absolutely no interest whatsoever sharing sexual intimacy with a guy, in fact being female having sex with a man is a repulsive thought to me???. I almost feel that if I was female, I wouldn't need an intimate sexual partner at all, erotically I would have it all is the feeling that I have.

Sorry for the ramble, but I am wondering if anyone else relates to what I am saying and how I have felt for so many years???

Chantelle

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello Chantelle

You are a courageous person to ask this. I say this because I have had the same thoughts over the years as well. So very close that I would dare to say it could be a mirror image of my mind.

Yes I have always had that feeling and wonderment, and even that I would like to be a genetic woman. I don't have intent of transitioning, not that there is anything wrong, but that I am terribly terrified of hospitals and doctors and especially of surgeries. I accept what I have but sometimes with resentment. I feel that I got cheated out at birth.

This is a thought that has pre occupied my mind ever since I was aware of the difference of male and females, so even now I find that when I am in traffic and waiting for a passing train, (stopped for up to 20 minutes at a time,) I will just sit there in my own world and try to actually physically feel if I could what having female body would be like now. I question like, what is the difference between the way I would feel sitting here as a male body, and female body.

Pretty much everything you said I would have to say I have thought of too. Perhaps the only difference is that I have been attracted to men as well.

I don't know exactly how to explain it. I just know that when I view myself I can in my mind see this woman where as if I looked into a mirror I would see this male looking back, the male look doesn't feel right, but the image I feel feels more real.

The bottom line is I think that you put into words something I think most of us hasn't even figured out intricately yet. You described it so much better and clearer then I know I would have if ever asked that question.

Also I thought that I was the only one if any that thought like that. I defiinitely appreciate you bringing this up.

In the end though if confusion gets me I stop analysing and just enjoy the fulfillment that I have when I stop to feel my femininity.

I think this is a topic worth exploring further. If you wanted to you could send a pm to me. It sounds like we both need to look deeper at ourselves.

Amanda L

[Guest Evan_J]

You know what, I read your post Chantelle and the end of it where you said "actually you wouldn't need a partner at all" made me think of something I saw somewhere around here on the board.....God knows where but I can look up the word on google.

Autogyno....hang on...I gotta look it up.....autogynophelia.

Google that. Or whatever search engine you like.

[Guest chantelle]

Hello Chantelle

You are a courageous person to ask this. I say this because I have had the same thoughts over the years as well. So very close that I would dare to say it could be a mirror image of my mind.

Yes I have always had that feeling and wonderment, and even that I would like to be a genetic woman. I don't have intent of transitioning, not that there is anything wrong, but that I am terribly terrified of hospitals and doctors and especially of surgeries. I accept what I have but sometimes with resentment. I feel that I got cheated out at birth.

This is a thought that has pre occupied my mind ever since I was aware of the difference of male and females, so even now I find that when I am in traffic and waiting for a passing train, (stopped for up to 20 minutes at a time,) I will just sit there in my own world and try to actually physically feel if I could what having female body would be like now. I question like, what is the difference between the way I would feel sitting here as a male body, and female body.

Pretty much everything you said I would have to say I have thought of too. Perhaps the only difference is that I have been attracted to men as well.

I don't know exactly how to explain it. I just know that when I view myself I can in my mind see this woman where as if I looked into a mirror I would see this male looking back, the male look doesn't feel right, but the image I feel feels more real.

The bottom line is I think that you put into words something I think most of us hasn't even figured out intricately yet. You described it so much better and clearer then I know I would have if ever asked that question.

Also I thought that I was the only one if any that thought like that. I defiinitely appreciate you bringing this up.

In the end though if confusion gets me I stop analysing and just enjoy the fulfillment that I have when I stop to feel my femininity.

I think this is a topic worth exploring further. If you wanted to you could send a pm to me. It sounds like we both need to look deeper at ourselves.

Amanda L

Hi Amanda

Your contribution to my post was appreciated and most interesting in fact, saying that you often see women and think how it must feel to be in their body is "exactly" what I have done since childhood. The confusing part is not knowing if my feelings are common to most boys, or are feelings more consistant with cross gender type issues?.

With me, it goes back as long as I can remember initially as a child feeling envy that girls could have long hair which then was my primary reasoning for why life would have been more pleasurable being a girl. I can remember clearly on numerous occasions staring at a girl with long wavy blonde hair trying to imagine how it would feel having such a lovely head of hair??. In comparison, I thought my head of short back and sides (boy's style) was totally disgusting.

Was I actually indentifying as a child that I should have been a girl, or was I indentifying a preference for having long hair and associating that with being a girl because girls were allowed to wear their hair long and boys were not???. Did this scenario of prefering a girls hair style provide the trigger causing me to take a deep interest in being female out of proportion or did my feelings occur naturally is the question that's difficult to answer???.

I too have no intentions of transitioning for the reason that I am bodily too large framed to feel truly feminine in the way that I would need to feel living as a female, albiet had I been smaller framed physically, I would have most definitely given transitioning a very deep consideration???.

Although in later life, I kept very much hidden with my girlfriends and then my wife any hints that would suggest a liking to being female myself, but nearly all my intimate sexual female partners at some stage made comments that they liked how I seemed different to other guys by showing an interest in things exclusively feminine that most guys had no interest in???. Perhaps that explains something, I am not sure??

Chantelle

[Guest Evan_J]

My mother would say that you developed the interest becasuse you wanted to do something acceptable for that sex, in this case, grow the hair.

I ususally end up in the role of "devil's advocate" I couldn't tell you why. I would accept that answer EXCEPT it may be incomplete.

For me the question then would be do you also wish your skin was very soft, creamy, and hairless, AND do you wish you knew what it felt like to feel breasts on yourself, AND do would it be pleasing to you if you spoke and a high pitched and possible lilting voice came out......continue the "ands". And when you finish going through as many physical descriptors as you can then take away society; "If I were on an island, and all other humans stopped existing, and no one would know whether I were in a male body or a female body, there would be no "reward" for one body over the other , there would be no "punishment", no one would be there to ooo ahhhh or compliment how I looked EITHER way, there's JUST me, how do I need for me to look. Which one will make me ok with myself when no one knows but me? No other trans people exist to "know" if I suddenly am ok with the body I have. There is no mainstream to complain should I change to the opposite. What would I want to do? Once both of those can be honestly answered I think then you'll have your answer.

[Guest chantelle]

My mother would say that you developed the interest becasuse you wanted to do something acceptable for that sex, in this case, grow the hair.

I ususally end up in the role of "devil's advocate" I couldn't tell you why. I would accept that answer EXCEPT it may be incomplete.

For me the question then would be do you also wish your skin was very soft, creamy, and hairless, AND do you wish you knew what it felt like to feel breasts on yourself, AND do would it be pleasing to you if you spoke and a high pitched and possible lilting voice came out......continue the "ands". And when you finish going through as many physical descriptors as you can then take away society; "If I were on an island, and all other humans stopped existing, and no one would know whether I were in a male body or a female body, there would be no "reward" for one body over the other , there would be no "punishment", no one would be there to ooo ahhhh or compliment how I looked EITHER way, there's JUST me, how do I need for me to look. Which one will make me ok with myself when no one knows but me? No other trans people exist to "know" if I suddenly am ok with the body I have. There is no mainstream to complain should I change to the opposite. What would I want to do? Once both of those can be honestly answered I think then you'll have your answer.

I believe to some extent if not in "all" cases of transexualism that society has influenced our thoughts and preferences which sex we would most like to be???. Had we all been raised on an island in our natural state with no interference by society to determine how a male and female should look in terms of clothing, hairstyles etc, the question then I wonder how many people in these conditions would be unhappy with their given sex would tell a more realistic story???.

[Sally]

The main problem that 'we' have in society is that the 'only' thing that anyone discusses in a relationship is sex - the physical act! If we placed more importance on intellectual and emotional intimacy (like we exchange here - ideas and feelings) and less on physical intimacy, then no one would care what you were when you were born and probably we would feel less pressure to make such drastic physical changes.

However, sex has driven mankind into numerous wars and where would advertising be without sex? How many people would watch a TV series called "No Sex in the City" or "the Open Exchange of Ideas and Feelings of Attractive People With No Sexual Overtones"?

It is a condition that we as humans will always have to deal with - so find what makes you happy and do it. If you need a partner because you want to have sex - find a male, female or fellow trans who feels the same way and be happy.

Love ya just the way you are,

Sally

[Guest eshaver]

Hi All,

I am new to this wonderful site, and what led me to finding everyone here was from searching the internet looking for answers for the way I feel.

I am male and grew up doing all the normal boy type activities and lived quite comfortably with who I am, but from a very early age I was attracted to the ways girls look and how they appeared to be accepted to be themselves. As a young child, I wanted so much to have long hair simply because it looked far nicer than short hair to me, but being a boy, I wasn't allowed to have long hair and was critisized by my parents for mentioning it. Girls have long hair not boys, what are you thinking was my parents attitude???. The other thing that I liked as a child was the way girls were allowed to be themselves and express themselves without ridicule. Girls were allowed to feel pain, feel cold, feel tired etc, where as a boy my parents would ridicule me expressing myself as a girl could. Boys aren't allowed to feel pain, cold etc, or more to the point, weren't allowed to talk about in fear of being called sissy or girly. I was raised I guess with the perception that boys are supposed to be tough which I thought was stupid really.

The other recollection as a child was the way girls were made a fuss of by relatives and friends were as a boy, I would get "geez" haven't you grown and that was about it, but the girls would get "isn't she so pretty", her hair looks so cute like that, her dress looks lovely etc etc, which I liked that. As a child I thought how much nicer life would have been for me if I was a girl not a boy???. I totally agreed with people making a fuss over a girl, they did look more cute than boys, far nicer I thought, and I often used to think about how life would really feel being a girl which for me would have been a better life.

As I started to reach puberty, I began to think about girls sexually and feel excitement from girls bodies and the clothes that girls wore which I thought was normal male feelings, but I had deep thoughts thinking how exciting it must be for a girl developing breasts at puberty and how much more interesting it seemed for a girl developing into a woman than a boy developing into man.

I was about 12/13 years of age home alone for a few hours was the first time I had this real urge to experience what it was like to feel like a girl and snuck into my mothers room to try on her clothes. I put on her panties, bra stuffing the cups with rolled up socks, pantyhose, a half slip, a dress and high heels and walked around the house for a couple of hours dressed like a lady and loved it totally, even sat down on the toilet to urinate which I liked too when dressed in ladies clothes. This behavior went on for a few years where having the opportunity to dress up was something very exciting where I would end my dress up session sitting on the toilet pretending to urinate like a girl would and self gratification.

Adolescence for me was in the late 70's early 80's where I felt totally comfortable being feminine which was well accepted by society in that era. I was extremely attracted to girls sexually and strangely enough the more feminine looking I became in my appearance, my long blow dried hair done in a very feminine fashion, skin tight stretch jeans, in fact I wore girls jeans which seemed to give me a more female shaped bottom, but the more girly my appearance was, the more I seemed to attract the girls who attracted me the most. I had quite a lot of really beautiful girlfriends, plenty of sex with girls and life was great.

Having said that though, my attraction to girls felt different to what other guy's described where my excitement wasn't only to achieve intercourse, my excitement was to get close and intimate with femininity, to learn and feel how girls clothing fitted their bodies, what their bodies and skin looked and felt like and sexually, I would become more aroused in the company of a girl intimately fantasizing how it would feel being her, having her body, wearing her clothes, and the thought of having breasts and no penis was instantly arousing. Every self gratification thought I have ever had to this day is the fantasy of having a ladies body and being female???.

To my embarrassment mentioning my strange behaviour, I did some very weird activities to try and capture/experience what it would feel like to have a female body which would be sexually fulfilling. I would secretly plan when sharing intimacy with a girlfriend to caress her vagina through her panties to specifically make her panties damp which happened on a few occasions where I timed everything perfectly and was able to get away for a quick toilet break taking her damp panties with me to try them on and feel from the dampness "exactly" where my vagina would be located on my body if I was female resulting in extreme sexual excitement and fulfillment to learn this.

I have absolutely no interest whatsoever sharing sexual intimacy with a guy, in fact being female having sex with a man is a repulsive thought to me???. I almost feel that if I was female, I wouldn't need an intimate sexual partner at all, erotically I would have it all is the feeling that I have.

Sorry for the ramble, but I am wondering if anyone else relates to what I am saying and how I have felt for so many years???

Chantelle

Chantelle, you must be reading my mind girl! You have lived within me dear, I you! I read and then re-read your post . Just rereading it made me relive painful memories I thought I had repressed . I can only suggest searching out a DECENT gender therapist . You may have to fire several in order for you to find "The Right One ". I went through several until I found one from a couple of years ago. Meanwhile , don't let ANY ONE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU. It's you're body and your mind ! You need to carefully become comfortable with who you are . Let it take several years if necessary too!!!!!!! You will not regret your decision either . If I can be of assistance , E-mail me . Ellen Shaver

[Guest shyheather]

The main problem that 'we' have in society is that the 'only' thing that anyone discusses in a relationship is sex - the physical act! If we placed more importance on intellectual and emotional intimacy (like we exchange here - ideas and feelings) and less on physical intimacy, then no one would care what you were when you were born and probably we would feel less pressure to make such drastic physical changes.

However, sex has driven mankind into numerous wars and where would advertising be without sex? How many people would watch a TV series called "No Sex in the City" or "the Open Exchange of Ideas and Feelings of Attractive People With No Sexual Overtones"?

It is a condition that we as humans will always have to deal with - so find what makes you happy and do it. If you need a partner because you want to have sex - find a male, female or fellow trans who feels the same way and be happy.

Love ya just the way you are,

Sally

very good point, if people looked for love not sex they would be more happier with they relationships .

love as in day to day feelings and intreactions

sex grows less frequent in most relationships over time while intellectual and emotional intimacy grow stronger

just had to say it

shyheather

[Guest Donna Jean]

Heather said:

sex grows less frequent in most relationships over time while intellectual and emotional intimacy grow stronger

just had to say it

shyheather

REAL good point, Heather.

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Donna1956]

This is my major confusion. I thought I had it straight a few months ago, but had a breakdown. I really wanted to transition and it seemed to make things line up for me. I tried to dress for a support meeting where female dress is strongly suggested and when I looked at my massive Man body looking like some kind of Monster I could not go. That episode left me without transition as an option and am lost for where my feelings are.

Now i am faced with not knowing what direction to. I may live as effeminate Gay man, but I don't know. Have any of you went thru something similar?

[Sally]

Well,

I'm not going to let it stop me from transitioning, I'm a petite 6'4" and currently 329 pounds. I'll lose the weight for my health and SRS, not just for looks. Look around you, there are a lot of very large and even mannish natal women running around. Don't let your self image stop you! Change your self image!

Your problem isn't that you are too big to be a woman, you are too afraid. I'm not trying to insult you, we are all afraid and it is hard to over come.

You also have a lot of self doubt, again a lot of us have that also!

Before you can go out as a woman, you have to be confident as a woman, you must think of yourself as a woman.

You must also learn to love yourself, if you don't accept yourself no one else will.

Please give your self a break, no one deserves the pressure that you are putting yourself under.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Donna - go to Walmart and look around. You'll probably see a lot of GG women just your size. I am 6'2 - and I see women my size more and more. So I figure I might just add myself to the taller-than-usual group of gals that are out there everyday.

And amazingly - one month on HRT - I am NOT out in public, but the minor body changes (face and body roundness) and my attitude change because I know I am on my way? I have been called 'miss' twice already when in guy clothes! So transitioning is do-able.

Don't be discouraged.

[Guest androgynous]

You know what, I read your post Chantelle and the end of it where you said "actually you wouldn't need a partner at all" made me think of something I saw somewhere around here on the board.....God knows where but I can look up the word on google.

Autogyno....hang on...I gotta look it up.....autogynophelia.

Google that. Or whatever search engine you like.

I think that term is (yet again) a way of labeling people. I am appalled by the idea that "they" see it as a "dis-order". Simply ridiculous. It's like there is a "norm" and anything that isn't inside that box, is a dis-order. That's 19 century Freudian reasoning, where a human is a mere beast with the libido that drives all his motivations. So short sighted. What about the fact that the male as well as the female body produces both estrogen hormones as well as testosterone hormones? I guess they forgot that in their attempt to box-up people? There is very little difference in gender biologically, and levels can also vary in both sexes. So is that a dis-order? FAR FROM IT.

Don't be fooled by psychoanalysts (who actually practice metaphysical black magic), how can you be certain if you only understand the brain for about 0,0000000000000001% ? Let alone the spiritual?

I'm tired of labels, DO what you feel, BE who you want to be. That always worked for everybody, because if "they" want to "treat" your "dis-order" the only thing that will happen, is that you will become miserable, because it isn't an "dis-order", it just a variation of being human, and one should be proud of it.