Anxieties

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hello all,

As of this past year, when I first learned I had to face myself and what everything meant to me, i.e crossdressing and sexuality, I discovered one thing that appears to have been a constantly intensifying experience up to now. However, because I am more aware of myself, I can see this costant more clearly.

This constant I have found in myself which seems right now to be another mountain to overcome, is Anxieties.

Most of these anxieties I have had, I am seeing have come from the years of struggling with myself through denial, and with the outside by expending so much energy hiding from everybody my "secret, or truth" about myself.

Is it just me or does anybody else have anxieties as a result of a lengthy period of time in their lives hiding or fear of getting caught.

Are there any specific anxieties that one has identified? I have had specifically and the most significantly, sexual anxieties which I haven't defined yet.

Any Takers??

[Guest Arbon]

Social anxiety. Can't talk well in most circumstances. Get over taken by to much fear to interact well with others.

Was like that through most of school and adult life.

Ironic though - I actually have done alright in my professional life, in management and sales I have succeeded (very strange - but true), and I guess in one other area of my life, but get me out of those elements and I fall apart. I don't chit chat with people on a personal / social level.

One instance a few years ago I attended an intense one week management conference where all the attendees were stuck together day and night for the whole week. A lot of non work socializing which I don't do well with. At the end of the week everyone is saying there goodbyes and yadda yadda, one person says "Well, I don't know if you actually talk, but it was nice meeting you anyway blank". I could not do it on the outside but I was crying on the inside. I could not believe that even this far into life the issue still becomes such a handicap, and what an idiot I felt like being at that conference.

Whether it is its own condition brought on by its own causes or if it started in some relation to transgender I don't know. I tried locking everything down emotionally pretty young. I know that had a lot to do with the feelings I was having at the time, or think it did. It would not surprise me if the anxiety is largely related to the repression and a need just to survive.

I have seen doctors for the anxiety, but could never tell them the rest of the story.

Of course there is so much more to pile on to all of it – the self loathing, shame, guilt, fear of being found out, how can any of it ever really be sorted out? How can it not all be related?

I do know that in just a few weeks of trying to be little more honest with myself, and what I may be, has been a great relief and degree to which I am uncomfortable with myself has lessened, as well as anxiety.

[Guest Evan_J]

Dunno how this is gonna play to you Arbon but while I was in therapy for testosterone the subject of social anxieties came up as part of whats evaluated for GID. Apparently social anxiety is part of what is consistent in that diagnosis. Thats not to say that yours definately is because of the gender thing but it definately might be.

Dunno if you're in any kind of gender counseling, but they'd poke around as to why you feel it.

[Guest Arbon]

Not in counseling yet. Got the guts up to call one person last week but they were not able to take me.

What you said, Evan, does not surprise me.