Do you feel this way..?

[Guest Melancholy]

I want to be able to express myself as I am. Me, actual me, as opposed to me that everyone else thinks I am. I'd like to grow my hair long, be able to act more feminine with just the right amount of masculinity and dress how I like. Make gestures people think are effeminate but come naturally to me. Stand the way I do without being called a queer.

But I can't.

For me, it feels like I'm stuck in a box. like Old Snake if his back finally gave out. Like I know who I am, but I can't show it. I can't be that person. Not right now. And it feels like part of me is missing. Like there's a massive hole that's been punched right into me.

What I was wondering is if any of you also feel this way?

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Dear Melancholy,

When I was in Jr. High and High School I felt this way most strongly ... I hadn't yet figured things out .. I felt like an outsider in many ways. It was a very lonely time. I got a lot of messages form society and from my family ... both subtle and overt messages that who I was was "WRONG." So .. I didn't want to think about that ... "who I was" ... it took me time to get the courage to explore "who I was".

For me, moving out on my own at 18 gave me the space and safety to do this. When I did discover who I was .. it took me several years to rid myself of the internalized feelings of homophobia (and transphobia .. although, I did not know anything about gender issues at that time.) I almost took my life at 19. Gradually, I found people who could relate to me and things became easier as I cultivated friendships with people who accepted me.

My life today is very full .. I am grateful. I think that you will also discover that life gets better as you gain independence and find friends who can love and support you as you are.

I am sending you a very big HUG!

JB

[Guest endlessummer]

Hi melancholy, I'm feeling like that very often, too. I'll second that it needs time to just figure things out. Right now I'm somehow starting to have the courage to support myself and my identity instead of battling against me because of society's views. People are constantly reminding me anyway...like saying nasty things or put me in gender-boxes. I hope we can find a way to handle it better :-)

[Guest agfrommd]

I want to be able to express myself as I am. Me, actual me, as opposed to me that everyone else thinks I am. I'd like to grow my hair long, be able to act more feminine with just the right amount of masculinity and dress how I like. Make gestures people think are effeminate but come naturally to me. Stand the way I do without being called a queer.

But I can't.

For me, it feels like I'm stuck in a box. like Old Snake if his back finally gave out. Like I know who I am, but I can't show it. I can't be that person. Not right now. And it feels like part of me is missing. Like there's a massive hole that's been punched right into me.

What I was wondering is if any of you also feel this way?

Geez, Melancholy, you just told my story.

A stodgy 50-year-old solid citizen father/schoolteachers who has this image of conventionality to maintain. Nobody knows the real me and I'm having so much trouble find ways to express my mix-gendered nature without feeling like I'm shaking everyone (and my own) image of me.

[Guest finalyfree]

dear melancholy wow i do know how u feel , i to was just dying to bust out and be me , the effeminate me , my saving grace was moving to a new city for work and no one knew me so i let myself loose and damn life is so good

[Guest endthesilence]

Hi I have felt this way much of my life. I found grace in accepting that no matter what no matter what no human being or beings have the power or the right to take my transition, my gender, my ability to express myself or not express myself on any given day or moment. The moment I realized my true self is bigger and stronger then any societal norm my masculinization and my feminization became one and I became able to walked a little more free. They cant take what they don't own and only you own you so even though I have had to sacrifice much to be me I have never give the world the best part of me to take. Easer said then done for sure but change is consistant and possible Stay strong xo Mattie

[Guest Protoman2050]

Your OP was me! I then transitioned, and I feel WAY better about myself!

[tracy_j]

From experience - to some extent I think that if you don't express youself as you are and feel you tend to project a false image so will not be properly understood anyway. I have found that I have not been properly understood when trying to conform to general social expectations so now do not try the same. It may or may not have changed general perceptions of me but has certainly made me feel better.

[Guest Delphinus]

I often feel this way; it's like everyone is staring and I'm invisible at the same time. It bothers me even more as I get older and am trying to establish myself in life. It's also more difficult now because my friends knows that something is wrong but they don't know what. I don't know what the solution is but I wish you the best of luck. - Del

[Guest Today]

Sometimes I feel the same way and it bothers me a lot. Mostly I try to distract myself from it. I hope things improve for you.

[Guest Alexx21]

I feel like that too...that i cant be who i want to be without hurting everyone around me

If i could be as i want to be my mother would disown me i would have no access to my young nieces who are 10 and 11

i hope things get better for you and am around if you need to talk