help me please ! love rachelle

[Guest spunky monkey]

hello,

i have come too the realisation that when it comes too transition our families hurt us the most....let me explain.

when i came out my mother told me she didn't mind me if i was gay but won't accept me if i cut of my man hood.

I told her tonight I was going too give her what she wants and that is her son back and i wouldn't discuss transition anywhere around her she said too me so i am no longer going too continue my stupidity about being a woman and i said no, i just wasn't going too bring it up around her.

she told me i was an ugly woman, there was nothing feminine about me and i embarrassed myself every time i dressed as a woman in public.

I have not started proper hormones, so i am sick of her telling me I am ugly when my friends tell me i look like her.

.

how do I let her go because its killing me, she doesn't realise I want her love....not her hate .

love rachelle aka spunky monkey

[Guest angels wings]

I'm sorry Rachael this is happening ((((hugs))))) those are hard words but remember ur mum is going through alot of emotions herself . One of them is anger . She has no right to say such hurtful things but don't give up hope because she will slowly work through her feelings . Again big warm ((((( hugs)))) people say horrible things when they are hurting.Stay strong lovey

[Charlize]

Rachele, Sorry for the hurts. She is denying the reality of you. We all want to control the world but none of us do. If you can accept that and calmly continue being you time will work its magic. Maybe not easily but slowly things change. Attitudes become more accepting and its because of an eventual acceptance. My son is going through that. He talks to me on the phone fine but he can't look at me. I can see the pain in his eyes. Time, Time helps me as well.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest amanda_s]

Rachelle your mom needs time i told my mom a week ago though mine has not said anything hurtful to me. shes just worried about me. your picture is small so its hard to tell but you look fine. hormone should help what is already there

Amanda

[KathrynJulia]

Rachelle:

Are you seeing a therapist? Reason I ask is a good therapist should work with you to help you with the approach and words you use. Mine also helped prepare me mentally for rejection because it happens. If the person we tell expresses surprise, anger and immediately goes into Drama Queen mode because what is everybody going to think, what about me, then they go into self pity party mode. And the more they draw you in to that crap by making you feel guilty that you are hurting poor ole mom.

Well you aren't hurting mom and she needs to get over it. Tell her that she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and when she can speak to you respectfully, otherwise you have nothing further to say to her. Walk away from her as if you could care less . A drama queen wants attention and they can get pretty nasty in order to get that attention. They usually cave in when that crap gets them no where. Also, control your own life. You don't owe her by giving her what she wants. Be yourself, be happy with yourself, be proud and be pretty.

Your mom sad to say is a manipulator. She is of the belief that the world revolves around her. Stay firm with your life. There comes a point where you have to stand your ground and draw a line. This is where you draw the line. If she calls you ugly, then tell her that she could be helping you with makeup to make you more attractive or she can be mean, self centered, and hateful, her choice. Good Luck Kathryn

[Cyndee]

Hi Rachelle,

Family members can be difficult and the most important to us. Validation, acceptance, or perhaps even tolerence from your mother is probably not going to happen anytime soon given what you have mentioned here. Don't let her comments hurt you, she is hurt most likely herself by these disclosures, don't allow this condition of hurt to self perpetuate, cast away these feelings, be strong, it's a hard pill to swallow. However if you continue to express your love, over time her objections may wither, just don't look for her to see the daughter she has anytime soon. If she sees you happy being yourself, then perhaps view points may change. Be kind to her, be geniuine, don't give her a reason to find fault in something totally unrelated to any gender issues. Look for validation of your female self from others outside the home, be with your mates as yourself that is a path to happiness. You also have us here in the virtual world to connect with we are here to listen, and help from afar if we can, you are not alone Rachelle.

I have been out to my family now for almost 2 years, this process is ongoing beyond the initial disclosures. I have not lost contact with any of them, being true to my self has brought out many new emotions and feelings, however because I do love them, I have given them all the time in the world to adjust.

Best wishes

Cindy -

[VickySGV]

All parents, some secretly, some not so secretly want to keep the small, helpless, but self affirming baby that kept us busy, but who gave us purpose and identity and status during the years they were helpless and depended on us for their very lives. It is a comfortable status for us and a very important part of our lives since not only our children, but our other relatives, and our communities see us, and for the most part give us needed approval, attention and honor, or in another word, validation.

The trouble comes when we realize that our time in that status is very limited and we panic or deny the coming changes that are needed and worse will happen no matter what we do. Still we are going to go down kicking and biting, and thus teenage and young adult years of our children become more painful than they really should be for both sides. One of my worst times was when my 19 year old son was picked up by his US Navy recruiter, wearing only the clothes he had on, and address cards stuffed in his shrt pocket to begin his Basic Training (boot camp). My life as Daddy was over and it was nearly the full 8 weeks he was in BT before I got over it.

My favorite reminder of how I should be as a parent is from the Poet /Philosopher Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, on his subject On Children:

"Your children are not YOUR children, they are the sons and daughters of LIFE longing for itself ... you may house their bodies but not their souls for their souls dwell in the House Of Tomorrow which you cannot visit even in your dreams!!"

Your mom has not read that or taken it to heart yet, but you need to remember she is growing up too. The others have given some good input, try to add this to theirs.

[Guest spunky monkey]

hello,

you have all been very wonderful, i'm glad too be able too share my journey with you.

love rachelle

[Guest angels wings]

((((hugs)))))